ffs-diary

[ffs-diary]

05/10/19 - 20:59

I definitely don’t deserve to be happy so I’m not gonna try.

Nobody should have to feel bad just because i feel bad.

I am making people feel bad.

[ffs-diary]

04/10/19 - 21:11

I want to kill myself again.

It sucks that I can’t get rid of this feeling but at least I’m smiling so no one will know. This means that I don’t have to deal with the Pitt I used to get.

I can continue to lie and say that thinking of BTS makes me happy when in reality I still want to die.

I’m not gonna for tonight but one can dream, right?

[ffs-diary]

19/09/19 - 10:04

I’m ugly, I’m annoying, I’m disappointing my friends.

I’m a terrible person. I don’t deserve to live. I don’t want to live.

I’m ruining shit for my siblings’ friends. I’m annoying my sister. I’m too clingy. I’m an attention whore. I’m narsecisstic. I’m selfish

I’m disappointing my teachers. I’m not doing my homework. I’m bad at everything I do.

I’m so awful can’t get my parents to love me. I’m pathetic. I’m horrible. I’m such a kiss-ass. I’m a liar.

[ffs-diary]

15/09/19 - 21:47

I want to die right now

[ffs-diary]

11/09/19 - 13:28

I’m a terrible student.

Today after period three my maths teacher had to keep me behind to tell me how I’m ruining other people’s education by being so selfish.

I want to kill myself

Why do I even have the power to ruin shit for others, she shouldnt have to ever talk to me or be around me. But I’m being selfish

[ffs-diary]

14/08/19 - 22:32

I feel like I want everyone to pity me. I’m so pathetic I can’t even understand that most of my flaws are self inflicted. I’m fat because I eat too much, but I don’t stop eating. I’m ugly because I don’t take care of my self, but I stick with my bad habits. I do poorly in school because I don’t revise enough, yet I still spend all of my time watching BTS.

The worst part is that I’m not letting anyone understand what mistakes I’m making so no one can help me.

I put myself here so it’s my fault that I feel this bad.

But it feels so bad.

I don’t want to feel like this. Or maybe I do. I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to feel better and wanting to continue to put myself in these situations.

Why can’t I just be honest.

I’m a fucking bitch for lying to so many people.

I don’t deserve anything yet I’m the most privileged person that I know.

I don’t deserve to live like this.

I think I get why people commit suicide.

[ffs-diary]

11/08/19 - 20:05

I haven’t written here for a while, but right now I’m really sad so I’m gonna bent here.

I got some friends which is why I stopped writing here, but it never takes me too long until I realise that I don’t actually have friends and it is my fault. I am a habitual liar who is constantly forcing other people away from me: either by flat out contradicting my self so that no one likes me or by not letting anyone get to know the real me so that I feel uncomfortable around the people in my life and leave them. I am a terrible, terrible friend.

I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve to have other people around me since I bring pretty much everyone around me down. I’m not particularly good at anything and am so scared to confrontation that I can never be loyal to the people around me. The people that I love who don’t live me because of me being a liar.

I made friends with a painting on the wall of my hotel room, since I don’t deserve a family and they don’t deserve me to be constantly weighing them down I haven’t seen them that much this holiday. That’s why I’m alone in a hotel room with a painting.

It would be alright if I was pretty, but since I’m not I just constantly feel bad for ruining all group photos and for being a big part of their summer.

Uuuugggghhh, I hate myself so much. Why can’t I just stop living.

Good night, I’m going to sleep soon since I’m still a bit jet lagged and New Orleans is 6 hours behind London .

[ffs-diary]

28/12/18 - 17:03

I like K-pop now days and it’s quite nice. However I am not very good looking and all idols are super attractive so I feel a bit down because of that.

It was recently cristmas so I ate way too much but I have next to tasted recently eating around 600 kcals a day.

I hope I can lose some weight as I am now super upset about how thick my thighs are.

Here’s a pic of some lights I saw:

[ffs-diary]

Note from the past

This is a note that I wrote a while ago

“I’m getting to a point where I honestly want to die. The best time [to commit suicide] would be after college and before university. I think that way I’ll cause The the least stir. I’ve listened to the same Ted talk over and over again, trying to convince myself that I could stop feeling this way. I’m lying to everyone, saying that I’m fine and getting better while I’m simultaneously trying to overdose. I just took 8 pills of my antidepressant which is 160mg of the substance. I think that The easiest way to die would be strangulation. I don’t know why but I honestly want to die passed out in a hotel room somewhere.”

[ffs-diary]

20/10/18 - 16:40

Everything is a fucking shitshow right now. I don’t feel safe at home anymore, I haven’t since July. I sleep so little I can barely keep muself away when I’m somewhere that I don’t feel equally unsafe in. I now don’t even have parents that can help me out. I don’t have any friends, plus I’m also doing poorly in school.

So I don’t feel safe at home, I generally can’t sleep and I have many times resolved to sleeping in busses so that I don’t need to worry about my parents hitting me or being otherwise abusive. I frequently sleep less then 6 hours a night many times 2 or 4 hours. I end up tired and unable to do anything.

I haven’t ant been able to trust Noa since July but now I font trust Alex anymore. He keeps on telling me that I’m spoiled or that I don’t do enough. He said that there was so much mould in my bedroom that he wouldn’t let his child ever stay in there yet did nothing about it and is letting me stay in there. That is most likely the reason that I have been sick for so long. It’s truly pathetic. I also borrowed money from alex and he bugged me for so long about giving him back his £40 yet with my sister she is now multiple hundreds of pounds in debt to him yet he never mentions it to her.

I don’t have any friends that I can rely on because I’m generally so selfish I don’t think any of them wants me around, like as soon as I ask any of them I just get a blank no. It’s been like this for weeks.

It’s my fault for being so egocentric and constantly pushing other people to revolve around me. It still hurts tho. The fact that now when Faye is in hospital everyone is trying to visit her but when I went my parents didn’t even show up. Faye is a better person then me so it is pretty understandable.

In school some girl was mocking me, she called me popular and it was so clearly meant to be nice or something like that but it just felt so bad. She knows I’m not, I know I’m not, she was just trying to make me feel better because even she is a better person than me.

I also properly failed my further maths exam and I’ve been working so hard on everything else going on it was so painful to screw that up.

I also realised that I can’t get paid for my job; I don’t have my national insurance number. It sucks because I spent a lot of time there yet I can’t get anything out of it. I also really need the money.

I have seriously started considering moving back to Sweden. I have nothing that’s holding me here and I’m over 16 so I very much can.

It feels like no one loves me right now which I would usually be able to deal with, but right now it’s just so painful that the only person that somewhat respects me is Jem, my sister and she is so nice to everyone it literally has nothing to do with me.

[ffs-diary]

15/10/18 - 01:21

So Kyla has been living with us for 5 days and I’m a terrible friend. I know she’s in a bad situation and I know that she really needs help but I’m being a dick to her constantly.

I’m acting similarly to everyone. But mostly to Kahadija. I promise her that I will watch the K-dramas she likes and then it goes weeks where I only move a few episodes forward. It’s so sad.

Here’s a picture from one of the K-dramas:

My acne is also getting worse and I look like an idiot. I scratch them until I have blood coming out of my skin. It’s gross

I will get some of my assessment results this week which will be interesting, mostly because I think I did well. I am so full of myself constantly that I truly think I’m doing well. Like I seem to act like I am better that the people around me even though I’m clearly not. I’m so pathetic. So full of myself and narcissistic. It absolutely disgusting and I don’t know why I’m even allowed to still be friends with these people, like why aren’t I just getting kicked out.

That is also something J think about a lot. Why haven’t I gotten kicked out of any friendship groups I’m in. I mean there must have been hints that I’ve missed that they don’t want me there. The worst bit is that I’m blaming my autism even though I haven’t gotten a diagnosis for anything yet.

Here’s the original bone hurting juice:

[ffs-diary]

08/10/18 - 01:44

I think I have a crush on someone new, it’s weird. I still like Samuel a lot more then I should, but now I’m not thinking of him when I’m sad or lonely, I think if the new boy.

There is a number of issues so I’ll just run them down.

1. Dekaisha likes the new boy. She said it on the first day he started and I know of it and I would be a terrible friend towards her if I went out of my way to peruse someone that she really likes.

2. He’s polish. I have a personal vendetta against the entire country so I don’t think that is a good match.

3. I tried to get him and Natalia to get it on but it just got awkward. Now if him and me were doing something it would be super weird.

4. I thought I was lesbian, yet I’ve been crushing on two guys. Like I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to sleep with him anytime soon and I don’t think I ever wanted to have do it with Samuel either, I just thought of him while satisfying my own libido.

5. His name is Emil. That is the name of Effy’s ex. It is a really common name back in Sweden and it would be proper strange if I were together with the other generic white person in the year.

Overall, it is a terrible thing that I kinda like him. We will not be together ever, yet I’m still scared that I will be just as big of a pervert as I was with Samuel.

Here’s a picture of a card:

[ffs-diary]

22/09/18 - 18:35

I am so egocentric.

I still think that Samuel likes me just because I like him. I have told him I like him and he rejected me yet I am still fantasising about us being together.

HE CLEARLY REJECTED ME.

What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I respect other people’s wishes. Why can’t I just be normal and let him be: he doesn’t like me.

I absolutely suck. There is a huge chance that I’ll never get over this and that I’ll continue to stay in a bubble where I think that he likes me. I mean I don’t think that many people suspect me to still be this obsessed with him.

I like that we bond over the fact that we’re both immigrants, he’s from France btw.

Here’s a picture of clouds in Carcassonne:

[ffs-diary]

29/08/18 - 21:09

I suck.

I’m lying to my psychologist and I don’t know why, I’m unsure if I even want a diagnosis.

I’m just a shitty person

I’m still just as fucking ugly.

Here’s a picture of me in Paris:

[ffs-diary]

24/08/18 - 20:43

I hate myself right now.

I lied to Effy and I don’t even know why. I think it was for attention but I really don’t get it. I also over exaggerated what happened with Frode and Faye.

I suck as a human person right now.

And I said to her that we would talk today even though I knew I wouldn’t call her at all. And I am so terrible.

Plus Alex is now forcing me to eat three meals a day so I can’t lose any weight.

I am still so fucking fat, it’s embarrassing.

[ffs-diary]

15/08/18 - 22:48

Today I’ve felt fat AF. I managed to eat less lunch but ended up snacking back the calories which set me back a bit. I did swim for quite a while though so I hope that burned enough.

We went to Mathias’ cabin on an island his mother owns. We went swimming there.

I’m still snacking. It’s late and I’m snacking on fake crisps which is rather pathetic when you think about it. I don’t want to be fat but I don’t have any self control so I’m going to end up there either way it feels like.

It’s okay.

I’ve always hated myself, it’s just getting worse. Especially considering that I have now lost all of my friends and will probably not see them until school starts.

Here’s a picture from the island:

[ffs-diary]

14/08/18 - 12:04

My foot still hurts but not as bad. I still feel terrible because I’m fat. I’m wearing clotges today that will make me look skinnier.

Two days ago Frode said to that I look so over weight that I probably have health problems so I’m wondering if other people also think so. I used to be a lot skinnier. I weight 95kg now and I used to weigh 79kg a year ago. I want to get back to 79kg.

I hope I’ll succeed.

I’m thinking of fasting until I get there, and restricting. I’m thinking of about 700 calories a day where I don’t count fruit or vegetables.

Here’s a picture of today’s outfit: