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[fftmime]

Not Dead

As with most projects of this nature, it's based on my free time and desire to go on. My mom had neck surgery and has been going through physical therapy. My energy has mostly been going to watching her in the weeks just after surgery and now taking her to and from PT. Also generally helping her out more. If by any chance someone genuinely enjoyed Alex's adventures, I'm happy, but I don't know when this will continue. Particularly momentum like I had is hard to regain. Daily playing of skyrim for at least two hours or more is kind of needed to keep this up. I want to at least be honest.

I have been plucking away at Daggerfall Unity a bit at a time, though. It's great. I highly recommend it. That said, unless I am keen on installing some massive quest mod to stall for time, Alex and Derkeethus are pretty much in the home stretch. There's the forgone conclusion of taking down Aldiun, and then what? I feel like further would be meandering about.. Which I don't mind, but I do care about the quality of the story I am telling to some extent. I don't like this being entirely self indulgent. My desire to skyrim will likely awaken fiercely one day again, though. As is the way of things.

[fftmime]

Derkeethus Stealth Update

Derkeethus isn't one to write down what he's doing or take notes. He supposes Alex's habit of logging their activities so meticulously is from her upbringing inside the college itself. He's found at least one reason to keep some notes, at least. Alex's health. It's easier to note subtle changes if he writes down whatever he notices. He doesn't want to fail her like last time. When he left her side when she needed someone most.

Her hair is still growing at a ridiculous pace.

Her appetite is back.

She hasn't drank herself to sleep since the incident.

But she's picked up a new habit of smoking something sweet smelling when she gets nervous.

Alex has picked up a new habit of bathing regularly. With the excuse fur is far more unpleasant ungroomed.

She smells very nice lately.

She is more chatty with him than before. Slightly more with strangers too.

She's less willing to stray too far ahead of him.

Meeko has become overprotective of Alex very quickly.

The way she holds her body has relaxed more lately. Similar to what it was before.

Her willingness to brawl up close and personal with random bandits has not returned.

He's not entirely sure how useful his notes are, but his overall impression is one of.. improvement. Though he's sure she's not well still, he's glad she's not twitching at every little thing. One thing he has begun to suspect, this is not a sudden transformation. The rapid growth of her hair was a preamble. He can only wonder how long Sanguine was aware it would come to this, but all he can do is quiet his impotent anger on the subject. It's not like punching a Daedric Prince will get him anywhere good.

But it would feel great for the full two seconds he was still alive to appreciate doing it.

[fftmime]

Tirdas 17th First Seed (4E 202)

It's some days since we've arrived at Narzulbur and began mining for ebony. Gaining entrance was trivial. My deeds at Largashbur are still remembered, and being approved by their patron himself goes a long way to opening doors. Ebony is another matter entirely. Derkeethus pointed out the obvious to me before we arrived. Enough ebony to make an entire suit of armor could buy our own castle, and we plan to feed it to dragons or worse. Not that I'd know what to do with our own castle, but it's an enticing alternative. The orcs, at least, proved easy to negotiate with. Knowing I am the source of the dragons laying low as of late kept their ears open to negotiate. Telling them what I plan to do with the ebony convinced them. On two conditions. We must procure the ore from the mine ourselves, and they will do the forging of my armor. I did mention it was Eorlund Greymane I planned to hand the work off to, but the clan had little nice to say about the 'overblown reputation of a man with a magic forge to do all the work for him.

As I rest here, I become aware of the tradeoffs my body has presented once again. Maybe it's the fatigue talking, but I feel as if I got the worse end of the deal. The forging of my armor has already begun, but we are expected to keep digging in the meantime. Similarly, nothing else we dig up while we are here stays in our hands. Nothing for free among the orcs. Their leader seems to be strangely laid back for a chieftan, but he's a shrewder man than he lets on. I suppose this stronghold is secure for a reason. I just hope their work is a match for the skyforge.

At least the orcs are not putoff by my appearence. Or the thought of how I aquired it. They judge based on deed, capability, and their own sense of substance. Or maybe they figure I paid for my foolishness by being this way already. Regardless, convincing them of my identity was easy. I skirted the issue of fist fighting their chief by displaying some raw power. Not that most of the orcs can appreciate what a nice day I made it from inside the mines.

[fftmime]

Morndas 9th First Seed (202 4E)

Derkeethus and Alex find a comfortable place in the mountains to rest till morning. Investigating the man's flying device is a poor idea in the dark. And with this weather. It also gives them a chance to plan this safely.

It also provides another chance to talk.

Alex is done harboring her secret fears from Derkeethus of all people. He's glad she feels safe with him, but doesn't sugar coat it. She messed up. He doubts her reputation will entirely recover, and it does change their relationship's dynamic for an obvious reason. He's not mad, though. He just wants her to make better choices. Help her make better choices. Like he helped her. Alex bashfully agrees. She's spent so much of her life being self sufficient and in isolation it's become too easy to forget she can simply ask for help. She isn't sure how she can repay him for standing by her even after running away like that.

He says it's not about payment or repayment. Just do better from here. She's the one that taught him that, remember?

Derkeethus makes another promise to her. They'll figure out how to overcome her new fear of battle one step at a time. She confesses she's not sure it's so easy as that, but why is something she doesn't like admitting. Rather than fear, Alex now understands how much she likes her life with Derkeethus. She didn't have a life worth preserving before. At least, that's what she's come to understand.

The Jarl is strangely forthright about the nature of his dealings. A mutually beneficial arrangement with a bandit group he no longer finds convenient. So go kill them all. The man's intent becomes even more blatant when the location she is sent to ends up being a malachite mine. A far cry from the ebony she's looking for, and no doubt the Jarl wouldn't take kindly to any missing. He sent a hitsquad after the bandits. She doubt he'd care she's the dragonorn. At least it serves as a clear warning to go look for their fortunes elsewhere.

This is the one time she won't be wasting the day away mining for the fun of it.

A group of hunters gladly share their camp with their small group for nothing but a smile and some conversation. The people of the city are not near so kind about sharing Alex's presence lately. One of the hunters assures her they've seen many stranger looking things than her, and frankly their impression of her is she couldn't bring herself to harm someone's favorite pet skeever.

She's not sure if it's a complement or not.

But she does find out there are a few sources of ebony in skyrim from one of them. Unfortunately, the biggest one is right under one of those orc strongholds. She'll have to butter them up. Somehow. It's also clear on the other side of skyrim. That, at least, is far less of a challenge.

[fftmime]

Sundas 8th First Seed (202 4E)

Just as they decide on a new goal, opportunity knocks. Strangely, from Falkreath's own Jarl. Who promises to overlook the rumored incidents in his hold if she does him a favor or two. Plenty of money and opportunity can come from a Jarl, and Derkeethus agrees with Alex that they should build new bridges with so many old ones burned. Ingratiating herself to the populace, in light of what happened to her, may help people overlook things.

But Alex's confidence takes a sudden blow when an abandoned house along the road turned out to have squatters. Derkeethus and Meeko manage to intercept before they can run down Alex, but neither can get a word out of her afterward till Derkeethus suggests they go back home for now. Alex says she's fine. She's just not used to the feeling of her new lower horn shriveling in fear. Derkeethus assures her that just happens. Sometimes.

Being the one protected doesn't sit well with her either, but she decides not to spit Derkeethus' heroism back in his face. Seeing his dashing figure rush to her aid creates a funny new feeling she can't name.

The trio march in silence towards Falkreath with little of note. The roads feel safer than usual lately, as much that word can apply to Skyrim. Likely to their own presence on them, Derkeethus admits to himself. Alex, however, is lost in the awkward silence between them. At least it feels awkward. She always appreciated their ability to agree without speaking.

Or maybe it's her own guilt plaguing her.

A strange man falling out of the sky, his device giving way mid air, shakes her out of her own thoughts, and the prospect of tracking down where he came from sounds better than bargaining with a Jarl.

Alex body acts on it's own as the ambush closed in on her. Killing one man with a single swing of her staff at his jaw and shattering it besides. But the experience leaves her shaken. Her body proves itself capable and well trained, but it still refuses to take to direct violence again.

Derkeethus chooses not to insult her once more by offering to head back home. She's proven she can defeat much worse than a yellow streak down her back. Once he checks her for injuries, they continue.

[fftmime]

Sundas, 8th First Seed (4E 202)

Derkeethus and I decided to rest in Dawnstar after going so far north to take care of such a simple request. I say simple, but I've come to accept my situation as much as I am able. One week of being beaten senseless by an old orc on a hill isn't going to fix my problem, and even leaning on my magic I feel a deep clenching inside my gut. I am unsure if I could hold a proper weapon and gut another being yet, and there's more than my safety at stake if I screw it up again.

I have found a way forward with a combination of trickery and magic, at least. Which I proved while taking it upon myself to clear another fort nearby our original target. I suppose I felt I had something to prove after the official mark, as ordered by the Jarl, was easy enough for Meeko to wrestle down all on his own.

Derkeethus was quite impressed with the display of raw power. And my chosen vantage point.

This forced our long conversation to my current predicament, as I suspect the vigor with which my magic returns to me is due to my transformation. An uncomfortable topic for me even if I didn't have old acquaintances staring holes in my back. With everything he's done for me, and his patience and gentleness in dealing with me, I confessed the full truth to Derkeethus. I had some idea of what I was getting myself in to this time. Saying I had lost all sense of myself when I ran across my "patron" Sanguine again would be a bit too charitable.

I ran across "Sam Guevenne" in Falkreath and he offered the usual ritual. Drinking some of his personal mead to take the edge off my troubles. A typical tear through Skyrim continued from there. Including getting myself banned from showing my face in Falkreath any time soon. As drunk as I was, I did retain some sense of myself this time. I can remember our journey to Whiterun and around it. It is then 'Sam' offered me a bargain. His more devoted servants can leave their burdens behind and revel in his realm for as long as they choose.

Becoming New, he said.

I see now the fear I feel in combat had already taken hold. I wanted to leave it and the horror of that forgotten dragon and his priest, below the College itself, far behind. I drank and ate with many people that looked as I do now. I ignored many of them as they started to fornicate amidst the others at the party. I was offered to join a couple in their own closeness to 'complete my journey' and was shaken awake in realization. I fled immediately. I fled so far and so long that I can't remember how I ended up in that very well I found Derkeethus in.

I had saved myself from being enslaved by Sanguine, but I had already forfeited my humanity. Even now, I can feel my body yearning for a taste of what I've never had.

Derkeethus listened quietly through my confession, and said one thing. He is happy I chose to return.

[fftmime]

Loredas 7th of First Seed (4E 202)

With some time to rest and put together suitable kit, Derkeethus consents to go along with Alex on a minor request. A new bandit group has been acting out in the north. It should be more than easy, but it's worth testing the waters.

Alex has been honest with him. Things won't be going the way they were before. He keeps his opinion to himself that it may be better that way, but he doesn't want Alex to take that as an insult. Alex senses that too, but there's at least some pride lingering from her former self.

But there are other ways to fight, as Alex found out in her week of torturous training with the orc. If she can't be the fearless sacrifice for the front line, she'll have to do something else. Coward or not, she'll find a way.

A frost array laying in wait for their patrol to simply wander over it takes care of one of a duo without even a fight.

Meeko gets his own ideas from there.

Pointing out he gets just as worried whenever Alex charged in like she had a deathwish immediately cuts off Alex's anger at Meeko. It was a fine test to see how they work together anyway. Alex will need to accept being taken care of instead.

She says she's working on that.

But Derkeethus is a bit impressed. For her concerns of cowardice, she's a bit sparsely dressed for being so close to enemies. Alex assures him the robes are highly warded. It's somewhat impressive Savos Aren managed to die in his own. They're better than what she has left to wear.. unless Derkeethus is hiding a wagon full of ebony in his back pocket. Eorlund's charity on the first armor won't be repeated. He simply doesn't have the supplies to repair it. Till then, she's still the most well protected goat in skyrim.

When Derkeethus mentions they could make that their next goal, Alex readily agrees. A coherent goal feels comforting right now.

[fftmime]

One moment

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the higher res textures. In a lot of way they are nice, but they also dramatically change how Alex's face looks. I can tweak the textures a little on my own, and have already, but I'm uncertain. Do know this is as close to her original 1.0 face as we have ever been since I rebooted her save with a more stable set of mods. I remade her face from scratch. Till now we've been dealing with her filtered several times through different mods. Trying to keep her in line with the OG as much as possible. It doesn't help her look isn't yet complete. It's a bit hard to judge till she's hit her final form. But I'll figure it out. Pardon my dust if the textures change suddenly.

[fftmime]

Morndas 2nd First Seed (4E 202)

Alex attempts to sleep off the week's labor. The old orc on the hill doesn't play games when it comes to training, but even one complaint gets her kicked off the hill for the day. Everything hurts. She didn't think she could be this tired even using restoration to speed up resting. She's partly concerned it's her body. It feels less sturdy in some ways. Blows are difficult to shrug off. Even magic hurts more to be hit by lately.

But it's unavoidable. She has to catch up to this body as soon as she can. Being unable to do even the most basic chores in it is unacceptable.

She could ask the college, but she can only do so much via correspondence. Till Derkeethus comes back, she can't leave the area. She's had to settle for Tolfdir's indirect instruction through letters. Though some things she's too embarrassed to ask anyone but Derkeethus. Like how bothersome the lower horn is being.

She really wishes he would step through that door right now.

Derkeethus apologizes for not greeting her properly, but it's been a longer journey than expected. After making good on his end of the deal with Barbas, he got wrapped up in something of a necromancer crisis. Which resulted in their new friend here following him home. Honestly, he had been thinking of getting them a dog after seeing how useful Barbas is.

Before he gets to telling Alex about his unexpected adventure, he stops and cautiously complements her. She's clearly been taking better care of herself despite her condition. He knows she's upset about being 'hirsute', but she looks nice.

She admits it's nice being properly groomed and clean every day even given the situation. She's never given much thought to such things before, but.. Well she's not sure what the 'but' is. She can tell something has changed, but she's not sure how to say it. Derkeethus tells her to take her time. She doesn't need to figure everything out at once.

He's just happy to see her looking so well.

She admits part of that is help from the College. She's been talking to Tolfdir via letter, and he had some instructions on getting the most out of that Alter Body spell they found in the underground. Sadly, it's not been able to do much but set two things back to how they should be. Being a huge fuzzy deer lady is something harder to fix.

Derkeethus is impressed. He's aware of how easily she could have moved between the college and here without anyone being aware. It has a teleportation system, and she knows spells for it besides. He's aware of how much she must want to get back to normal.

Alex's desire for his trust is worth more than all that.

With that, Derkeethus tells Alex to greet their new family member. He'll make sure Alex is protected no matter how far across Skyrim they go. But he urges her to take it easy starting out.

"So what's his name?"

"Ahh, his previous owner called him Meeko."

[fftmime]

Loredas 21tst of Sun's Dawn

That went.. reasonably.

Not that mudcrabs are exactly the challenge for the ages, even if they can hit hard enough when they want. Still, it seemed wise to start small when figuring out why her body seized up before. Picking on the wildlife provides nothing. Making the next logical step up some local bandits. Luckily, Halted Stream has been repopulated lately. Though the bandits think they are laying low while they bring the place back up to snuff.

If Alex can at least fight a bandit without pissing herself, she'll know not all is lost.

One right inside. Just minding their own business a bit too much for someone who's guarding the entrance. Practically all she has to do is sneak up and stab him in a kidney. Easy.

No no no no no no no no!

The sunset gives way to night, forcing Alex to stumble through the dark till she runs in to some kind of shrine maintained by an orc who lives and trains his body in the wilderness.

He says she's the most pathetic sight he's ever witnessed. Alex has no excuses. This is pathetic. They used to punch daedra in the face without fear. Now facing down an enemy makes them feel like their bladder is going to drop out of their body. This time the enemy's back was even turned. That last dragon put fear for her own life in her heart, and she's not sure how to get rid of it. If she can.

She asks the orc if he's ever seen anyone recover from being a coward.

It's even worse than he thought. Not only is she pathetic, she's an idiot. He's not sure who put thoughts of bravery or cowardice in her head, but fighting without valuing your own life isn't bravery. It's suicide. True warriors step in to battle accepting they must put what they value most in danger. He's seen many reckless fools lose their heads over this mistake. Literally. True cowardice is when you abandon your oaths to save your own skin. She should be thankful she's learned the difference without losing hers. Or worse. Sustaining an injuring that ends her usefulness as a warrior.

He then chases Alex out of his camp. She can come back to talk again or train, but she has to do her blubbering somewhere else. It bothers him.

---

Alex reflects on the orc's words.

He's not wrong. All her experience is from simply wandering Skyrim. Clearing out mines so they can start producing ore again is not exactly much to talk about. Spiders and Skeletons can practically be stomped in to submission. She's never really had someone show her how to conduct herself as a warrior. Or as a person.

Maybe she should just go back and ask him for help?

Somehow she feels his isn't the kind of thing that would ever occur to her before. She actually likes being alive now and would like to keep it that way.

"...Wait, I like being alive? Then what was I doing before?"

[fftmime]

Fredas 20th of Sun's Dawn (4E 202)

The leader of the High Plains Reavers sets out at midnight with Alex in tow. His group has been given a job to clear out Shivermist. A den of falmer a bit too close to civilization for comfort. Alex wasn't sure what to think when told to tag along, but she is suitably impressed when he smites the giant spider protecting the entrance with one blow.

Alex watches from a distance, for once unsure how to cut in on a fight. She feels a strange hesitation she's not used to. This is her first battle since recovering, after all. At least the man seems incredibly strong, and it gives her a feeling he could clear these caves without her help at all.

Which is appropriate. Derkeethus had introduced them on the pretense of her being a newbie in need of training.

The moment she moves in to support him, her body seizes up and ends with her tripping over herself and the falmer. Her babysitter takes this moment to simply cave the creature's skull in, and barks at her to stay back if she can't handle it. She can support him just fine from a distance if she lacks the nerve for melee.

Alex relents without argument. She's at least competent enough with restoration to render the falmer's love of poison a nonissue for them both.

Alex patiently sits through a much deserved lecture by her more experienced escort. Though much of what he says simply drifts through her ears. She's not sure how to express the real problem to him. It's not a lack of experience. Her body simply refuses to obey when she gets closer to the fight.

His complements that she'll make a fine combat medic one day just makes it sting more.

Being saddled with the job of taking back anything of worth at least gives Alex a chance to ask the other High Plains Reavers their opinion. They don't see the problem with Alex lacking the stomach for proper melee. So what if they have a bit of a yellow belly? Magic is a rare talent in Skyrim, and she took care of their leader's back well enough. Plenty would be willing to hire a timid little lass for their back line such as herself.

Their unexpected understanding takes Alex off guard. It's strangely comforting. Still, it's not exactly what Alex had hoped to hear. Not that she's sure she knows what she wanted to hear.

[fftmime]

A notice

According to popular consensus in the threads, I am informed a giant, flat chested, burly lady built like a barrel wearing a dress is just a tomboy in a dress even if they grow a dick and balls fit for a horse. This turmoil among the two people who read pleases me immensely. But I am impressed by the passion of this argument enough to concede the point. Have it your way. She. Not he.

[fftmime]

Turdas 19th of Sun's Dawn (4E 202)

Alex admits he's having a little fun.

Even a short journey around Whiterun was more educational than he thought it would be. As much as it stings to admit, taking it slow with as much help as possible is the right choice right now. Alex regrets Derkeethus is suddenly not around to give it.

But a few things were learned. Alex finds they tire more easily than before, which is worrying. The armor feeling heavier wasn't just their imagination. Yet scrabbling up and down rocks, or even sheer cliffs, is easier than ever. Alex isn't sure exactly how far they could jump before, either, but this is clearly.. much different.

He's also realized he really hates this new haircut.

Alex finishes the day with a few mundane deliveries, but it hammers home another harsh lesson. It wasn't just paranoia. Even merchants are wary of taking the materials gathered over the course of the day. The only ones seemingly willing to do fair trade with a goat are the khajiit. Rather than hold it against them, Alex stores it as a lesson for the future.

Trying to carry every burden on their own ended exactly like this.

From where Alex stands now, they're not sure what they were thinking back then. Something as simple as confiding in Derkeethus would have prevented everything. Still having toes would certainly be nice.

[fftmime]

Turdas 19th of Sun's Dawn (4E 202)

It's been a while since Alex has been in plain iron. For now, the fancier robes that used to be attached have been done away with. There's already rumors going around Alex has gone through some deal with a Daedric Prince to gain powers beyond mortal knowledge.

This is technically correct if you include the ability to not die of liver failure on that list.

Alex isn't so sure what was gained, but he's glad he never threw away the old gear. What with the rest in shambles, this is all that's left. Maybe going back to origin is fine, but it somehow feels heavier than before. A harsh reminder of how little Alex knows about this new body.

And this is a good reminder of all the places Alex can't go right now if they ever want to see Derkeethus again. Alex understands the restrictions are out of concern, though. Which he admits is probably appropriate. Even walking still feels strange. Swinging this sword on a stick might not go so well as one would hope.

But Derkeethus has made arrangements for his absence. The High Plains Reavers have been informed Alex is a talented but 'inexperienced' fighter that could use watching for their first steps in to mercenary work. They'll allow Alex to tag along next time they go out. Alex fights back a wave of embarrassment at being treated as a newbie and a child by their leader.

Though it starts to feel like the later of those two descriptors isn't wrong. Particularly lately.

Sadly, there's no plans to go out today. Alex will have to drum up their own trouble to get in to. Without leaving sight of Whiterun at that. Perhaps for the best. A bit of time to run around and get used to things might work out better.

Alex deeply regrets thinking poking in to a random tunnel underneath a city would be okay. In recognizing these weirdly clean skeevers, he realizes exactly where it goes down to.

Never. Never. Never again.

[fftmime]

Journal - Middas 18th of Sun's Dawn (4E 202)

Barbas has run out of patience and forced Derkeethus to make good on his promise. There's no time to wait for me to become 'battle worthy', as Barbas put it. Though he claims he enjoyed playing house with us while it lasted. Among other sly comments about our relationship.

Maybe it's my own guilt speaking, but I noticed a bit of Derkeethus' anger with me slip out as he, very directly, reminded me of the rules he's imposed on me. He doesn't expect me to stay by this cabin, but I'm not to go further than Whiterun or Riverwood alone. He's made it clear it's over if he returns to find me gone again. I couldn't think of anything to say in response and silently agreed with his conditions.

Try as I might, I couldn't think of any way to make it up to him. I know he says he just wants to see me recover, but as I idle around the house, barely able to walk around, I realized I've never been okay. I guess I'm not sure what being recovered means then, but maybe aiming to have things better than they were is a good start.

Strange, I've never really missed having someone's help before. I already want Derkeethus to hurry back.

On the note of help, asking for Sigrid's help with my hair again was one of the most difficult things I've done. It was easier having her eagerly press her desires on me. Having it the other way around is awkward. Naturally she asked what even happened to me, and I was as honest as I could be in as few details as I could. I got mixed up in something I shouldn't have and paid the price. Perhaps permanently.

But I don't know how to fix my hair myself, and she's the only one I know to go to for feminine tips.

We spent all afternoon in her house fixing the state of me the best she could. And just talking. She's still unhappy her own daughter won't take these kinds of things seriously. I tried suggesting she can convince her daughter of it while also letting her become a blacksmith, but she said I 'wouldn't understand'.

Weird, she's not the kind of person I would pick as a friend to talk to, but it was nice. Maybe I just don't know better about these things.

Of course it was dark and pouring rain by the time she released me back to the mercies of Skyrim. I had hoped to explore and stretch my legs a little today, but I suspect Derkeethus wouldn't want me running around in the dark and rain now of all times.

And I just got my hair done.

As if I even know what to think of what Sigrid picked. She seemed to enjoy lavishing a mother's knowledge on such a willing target more than I enjoyed receiving it. Maybe Derkeethus will like it when he gets back.

[fftmime]

Journal - Morndas 16th of Sun's Dawn (4E 202)

How do I sum up how much trouble I caused?

"I can finally walk under my own power again. I only fell over three times today."

How is that for a summary. I would be lying if I said I didn't remember what I did while running around with Sam Guevenne again. Well, I mostly remember. I also remember not feeling in control, but that seems like an excuse right now. I just didn't think the consequences could be so.. permanent. Having hooves is not something I think can 'just wear off'. Even as I write this, I'm not entirely sure what to do or say. I suppose admitting how badly I screwed up. There's no way to sweeten the truth. I got drunker than I ever have in my life and ran off with a daedra pretending to help me.

I just wanted someone to help me, but I ran away from the one person trying to move all of Nirn to do it.

By that I mean Derkeethus. I would not have blamed him for simply abandoning me as I likewise abandoned him in turn. Yet he is still here, and has been nothing but patient with my body's new needs and peculiarities. It makes me feel guilty, but I'm not sure what to do with that guilt other than quietly accept Derkeethus seemingly endless patience and charity.

At least I can finally do basic tasks for myself, but learning to walk on these has been a trial. Yet Derkeethus seems more okay with this than I am, and helps me every day relearning my balance. Training me day and night till I'm exhausted. Though I'm afraid to ask how he really feels. He'd be right to be angry. At times I want him to yell at me. What I did was terrible. To him. To myself. To a few people I owe apologies.

The people aren't blind to what's happened, though. As if it wasn't obvious, but I can feel the suspicion in people's gaze. I overheard some talking behind my back as I walked through town. Acting as if I'm some kind of hagraven that gave up their humanity for power. I suppose that's not exactly wrong. The proof is right here, after all.

This pair of horns isn't the kind I can take off.

Others just mock me. The town drunk, Embry, likes to greet me cleverly with, "Are you alright? You look a bit.. fuzzy." Then laughing as I walk away. If Derkeethus wasn't keeping an eye on me, I might have slugged him already. It just proves I need keeping an eye on.

It just makes me feel like a child. It's entirely justified, but it doesn't change how I feel. I'm not allowed to walk through town alone. Derkeethus has agreed it's time I start doing jobs now that I can walk, such as it is, but insists I may only take on mundane deliveries or gathering materials.

I decided on fishing up some salmon and made myself a basic fishing rod. It's better than sitting at home every evening and dwelling on everything. Derkeethus says I can take on more complex jobs as soon as I can at least fight a mudcrab without falling on my face.

Still, I feel better in some ways, but I'm not sure how. I just know I'm tired, and I'm glad Derkeethus is still here by my side through it.

[fftmime]

Thanks!

This is just the archive, but I'd still like to say it. First, though, this post acts as a sort of buffer when using the tag to read Derkeethus Gaiden.

Thanks to everyone who silently read along in it's original format. Thanks to anyone who even checks here too. I had a lot of fun, more than I thought I would, leading Derkeethus around to find Alex. Things will slow a bit again as I now have to actually play the game again. Terrible news. In all the ways to add hooves and horns to Alex, this ended up being the most sane options. I can quietly edit boots in outfit studio. A race with more convincing legs would need totally custom models for any armor and be a nightmare. Besides, the more I play it the more I like the other details of it. Derkeethus Gaiden is gone but not forgotten. Also not gone. It will return any time Derkeethus has shit to do without Alex.