ffuckkit

[ffuckkit]

When he asked if I'd love him forever and I felt like I was bluffing by saying yes

[ffuckkit]

[ffuckkit]

I feel so stuck to the point that I cannot find the words to explain it. Explain how I feel, how I got here. How I started believing in true love, and ended here. Ended in a hole, sinking farther as I dig my nails into my own skin instead of clutching onto the side, crawling out one step at a time. I called true love too fast. I called it before I knew it. I called it and it wasn't real. I don't feel good. I don't feel good at all.

[ffuckkit]

I watched The Perks of Being A Wallflower tonight and now I feel mixed up inside. It is becoming so painfully obvious that I went wrong somewhere. I have no friends. I have no face. I have no identity. I am a shadow in a room. I am a word that has never been heard. There is pain and heartache all around me. I am lonely although we are always together. I am a hollow vessel. My family cares about me very much but that does not mean I know who I am. I am 20 and I am lost. I am unmotivated. I am friendless. I am meaningless. I want to achieve nothing because I truly am nothing. I have not had a meaningful night in years. My life is monotone. I am supposed to be building my life up so I can be happy later, or I am at least supposed to be building relationships and therefore enhancing my relationship with myself... But no. I am the same exact person as I was 3 years ago, I just pretend I have it put together. I make myself dinner. I work out sometimes. I feed my animals. I preach an ethical lifestyle. But in truth, I just see the evil in every section of our lives. And it makes me tired because no one cares. No one cares about themselves. No one cares about others. No one cares about suffering. No one else cares. No one else cares about me, or about anything. I am alone in this fight against the world that no one else cares about and I am tired. There is so much pain and so little happiness. I don't know how to get by when I am so tired and I feel so lonely. I miss the times when people noticed when I didn't reply for days. I miss the times when friends saw I am bad again, even with meds. I am wasting my life but I dont know what else I could be besides this. Whatever this is.

[ffuckkit]

i dont know how much longer i can feel this way

when every single day i keep trying

and i keep running into walls

and i keep hearing awful things

people dying under our awful power structures,

dogs laying in the street

no one cares

no one cares

so why do i?

[ffuckkit]

i dont want eyes, or a face, or a nose. i dont want to be seen, or heard. i dont want to wake up every morning. i dont want to try so fucking hard every second. i dont want to do any of this anymore. i dont want to see or do any of this. its all gray and ugly and nothing is ever easy. ever.

[ffuckkit]

i dont want to live anymore.

[ffuckkit]

i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die ih ate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i ihate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i ahte myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and iw ant to die i  hate myself and i want to die

[ffuckkit]

im so sad all the time i dont know how to escape this feeling because its essentially escaping myself and i dont think thats possible

[ffuckkit]

i dont want to be here i dont want to be anywhere

[ffuckkit]

i am having a hard time. my days are filled with sadness and stress. i never finish anything and i often come across things i should have done a week ago, or a month ago. i have no one, i feel alone even with a select few of great friends. my soul mate now acts like a parent and i feel like i cant breathe. i want to drown in a lake, i want to shoot myself in the brain. i dont want to be here anymore. every day is a strain and i feel as if im not equipped. i am a child who throws tantrums. i am a disappointment and far from unique. i am nothing. i dont know what to say or what to do to make myself feel better on days like these. i want to give up on every aspect of my life and rest my eyes and sleep and never wake up to this nightmare again. i have nothing to offer to this world.

[ffuckkit]

what do you do when you love the person who fights with you constantly?

what do you do when you love the person who you fight with constantly?

[ffuckkit]

i dont remember the last time i did something right in this relationship. i would rather be dead than anywhere. im wishing for it constantly. i dont want to be here, i dont want to be anywhere, im going to explode

[ffuckkit]

im 19 and i look haggard. i constantly look like i slept a hour or two the night before and did some meth to wake myself up. my bags are gigantic and i couldnt ever take a picture without makeup. i want to be naturally beautiful. i want to wake up and look in the mirror and see high cheekbones, nice lips, strong eyes... my face looks like it is sinking into itself. it bothers me i can never ever achieve that. ill just settle for nice skin. too bad my skin is filled with acne scar craters and bags drooping. just a big sad stupid complaint that i hate myself. carry on.

[ffuckkit]

my brain feels like it's going to explode

[ffuckkit]

i have no friends to surround myself with. my doggie is gone. my mom is far. the few good connections i have are far. seth is here, but seth is not here anymore. he slips things to me sometimes, like 'im mad all the time', 'can't i just be alone for a fucking minute', 'i wish i could leave'. i cant stand the thought of even a night without him. i throw tantrums. i honestly do. i don't even have myself anymore, i am a shell of the human i used to be. i can barely spend a minute alone anymore.  i am no one to love, i am not even a person to pity. i am unloveable. i am awful. i keep wishing i dont fucking wake up tomorrow. please.

[ffuckkit]

this is the craziest feeling i'm experiencing. i can no longer be in denial about how lonely i actually am. no one is around anymore. i have shoo'd everyone away, pushed until the walls caved in and now i can't move. i hope this hole kills me. i can't take losing him. this year has been constant loss, i cannot manage another one.

i feel sick and numb at the same time. i cut today but i dont feel any better. i cant cry. my body is stuck.