fieldnotesconfidential - Tumblr blog

[fieldnotesconfidential]

OKAY WHAT ELSE AM I EVEN DOING

I feel like my life SERIOUSLY depends on me figuring out how to get out of something again. Am I freaking out of do I need to be on the defensive?

*from the other room* You know how you can’t have five fucking seconds without some wild situation or predicament or somehow you have to be assisting some small or large situation unless you hide somewhere and then it’s just a matter of moments until you’re hunted down and plugged into multiple differ...

If this is about how I didn’t read through my cases this week, I did lose my phone briefly. It is important that you understand that I did think it was stolen however I did legitimately misplace i...

*from the other room* What?

I skimmed the files very quickly.

👩🏼‍🔬Ugh. You’re on three drugs that interact with each other directly. We told you this but you filled the prescription anyway. One of your jobs will cause a serious condition if you indulge which you’ve already done and the condition has already been precipitated. This is all knowledge you knew at one point too. You also cannot abruptly stop the medication or even wean from it which is perpetuating the condition you *air quotes* technically *air quotes* gave yourself.👩🏼‍🔬

Technically

*from the other room* Technically.

Okay. Now I know. I forgot but now I remember and I’ll fix it. Next.

👽Ex-Military that resembles family will potentially hire you for a book of their story which is legitimately what you experienced and saw first-hand because you were supposed to just write for free like a crazy idiot moron but that didn’t work because you aren’t reacting emotionally like a normal fucking person ever.👽

Right. I wonder if it is because I’m not completely fucking retar...

👽What the fu...👽

👹You’re still in trouble with the Vatican and you know exactly why.👹

👩🏼‍💻You have also managed to bring together several drug groups by making them all equally mad at you, but in a funny way, but they are pretty pissed.👩🏼‍💻

Like that thing where people all love each other from a mutual hatred of the same person?

👩🏼‍💻Correct.👩🏼‍💻

Okay. I don’t see why I should be concerned.

*from the other room* The diabetic ketoacidosis is a critical situation of you do not do your bizarre medical healing bullshit STAT because we need you with feet on ground, upright and conscious for everything in the files you didn’t read this week and moving forward.

Fine. I’ll start correcting it as quickly as possible.

👽You will not survive the next five days.👽

GO FUCK YOURSELF NIBRU

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Morning. Run. Sand. Beach. Get. Off. Ass. You’re. Working. Not. Vacationing.

*from the other room* Get off your ass and run in the morning. Your sand workout. That’s why you aren’t scheduled in the mornings.

Oh.

*from the other room* Your appetite should start to dissapear so get it together. The New Third Reicht has confirmation on your weight gain so unless you want to end up taking trailer park maternity photos draped in stapled-together lace from Dollar General in a parking lot mud hole versus pick yourself up and do something with your life you need to get it together.

👽Where do you come up with this stuff?👽

Facebook groups.

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LOL? Oh. Okay, not really.

*from the other room* Did you see the other El Chapo was let outta jail and sent to try and terrify you again except you aren’t even phased anymore because of your last apartment?

You know what’s even wilder? The apartment before that was scarier. Also, the one before that is whe... no. As I said before, people aren’t possessed it is places and situations. Also it’s a collective consciousness making that shift and conscious decision to place that designation! Why can’t people understand that?

✝️Excuse me?✝️

God dammit.

👩🏼‍🔬Come to the lab so I can see what got blown in your face.👩🏼‍🔬

I don’t care. I took my pills and I just have to trust they are what they are which is impossible so I am now just half taking them on faith they work and half taking them because every time I do I am expecting to literally not wake up.

👩🏼‍🔬Come to the lab.👩🏼‍🔬

*from the other room* God dammit.

[fieldnotesconfidential]

To Speak You Gotta Chill

*from the other room* We have someone in custody on the spectrum who is speaking a language we can’t even begin to deco...

Explain to that person that the alien references mean alienation not outer space or I.C.E. and, also, the cannibal references are about veganism, which could be a solid dietary choice to consider, and, also, a repressive force to cur... you know what? Ask a psychologist. If you need someone to decode I will but I am not doing an analysis too. In the meantime have you guys checked out that band Kill Devvils?

👹Please quit monopolizing the speaker with your gutter music from NYC. Wannabe. Poser.👹

👽I knew about them before they were on Instagram.👽

*from the other room* All of you back into the field or I’m putting on Michael Bolton.

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You sure you know exactly without question and no margin of error?

*from the other room* See above.

Yep.

[fieldnotesconfidential]

Am I Ever Going To Have Sex Again Or Am I Just Done?

I kinda feel like I would be completely fine never having sex again. Like, I could take it or leave it. Seriously. Is this bad?

👩🏼‍🔬Come to the lab. It’s either your meds or the trauma. Are you slipping into the darkness again?👩🏼‍🔬

👹Hahahahahahhaha!👹

I’m being serious!

*from the other room* Look you’ve been traumatized pretty badly and you’re still being used as a lure, technically, so this will keep happening.

Seriously though, I’ll never find love or enjoy sex again?

*from the other room* Honestly, there’s a possibility. What you have experienced, seriously. Jesus fucking Christ.

Well, whatever.

👩🏼‍🔬You don’t even care?👩🏼‍🔬

Have you ever had bad sex or been relentlessly pursued by someone who you did not feel the same way about who would not accept your polite, then firm, then insistent pleas to respect your boundaries and to leave you alone? I’ll give up sex and the chance to experience love again for the rest of my life to get out of dealing with that shit. Do you know what I mean?

👩🏼‍🔬No, I’m a scientist.👩🏼‍🔬

Ugh, nevermind.

[fieldnotesconfidential]

What if...

*from the other room* I read your 542-page plea to re-open Guantanamo Bay at full capacity as well as the list of prisoners you intend to house there.

Oh. You saw that? I thought I uploaded that on a secure server to Gitmo.

*from the other room* Excuse me, *air quotes* a significant list of garbage people from the Midwest that you intent to personally break emotionally, physically and mentally *air quotes*?

Someone needs to. These lazy, entitled, adult-children, inept, draft-dodging alcoholic losers are under the delusion that they will inherit the country and have been using the *air quotes* power of Online *air quotes* to do so for decades but they are just spreading systematic racism and perpetuating hate and stupidity.

👹There is no draft. Also, are those two things not the same thing or...👹

They will singlehandedly cause a draft and then get out of it to plug in minorities in their place to fight a suicide mission that they perpetuated!

*from the other room* You can’t just torture people in the wrong. That’s why we have the judicial system.

They did it to me! That’s what they are gonna do if we don’t do it first! Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me around here???

*from the other room* To be clear, as I have said previously, some of that torture was us, and the rest of the time was simply us placing you strategically to take that abuse because you literally survive EVERYTHING and ANYTHING so we could track and essentially tag these people.

What the hell??? If you know who they aren’t why won’t you do anything?

*from the other room* Because they are outing themselves and you’re safe right now. Don’t lose your temper. Gitmo got a good laugh but they are shredding your document.

Fine.

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Harness The Dark Arts To Horrify, Humiliate and/or Emotionally Ruin Rapists, Serial Killers and Stalkers Just To See What Happens

*from the other room* Remember that language that developed and then those people using different torture devices on people to influence them, like those people that think eyes have power or music or whatever delusions they’re trying to perpetuate but it’s just drugs? Usually the ones that tout themselves as extraordinary intelligent but couldn’t find their way out of a motherfucking paper bag if their life depended on it? Will you defy the Vatican and unleash Hell on them? Subtly though? Don’t lose your temper? You’re already losing your patience pretty obviously so could you simultaneously bring it way down then Supernaturally dial it up beyond all reason without being detected?

It would be my pleasure.

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It’s Completely Acceptable To Be Crazy It’s NOT Okay To Be Stupid

*from the other room* Okay give me the synopsis.

Fine. He framed the one guy for rape by poisoning the shot. Then there was the red wine. The one guy did try to warn me. Is he in jail? The one who should be in jail is not. Also, the poison was on an extended release and designed to induce an uncontrollable fear response.

👩🏼‍🔬Are these people mentally handicapped PhD students or???👩🏼‍🔬

As opposed to???

*from the other room* Well, how did you survive the different dosages and th...

BECAUSE I AM A NEUROSCIENTIST AND PART OF THIS RETARDED TASK FORCE YOU FORCED ME INTO

*from the other room* Excuse me? What about the wife whose husband was poisoning her food and she thought it was good allergies.

That happens ALL .THE. TIME. How am I supposed to keep track of everyone? Also, I was in the middle of, like, SEVERAL different cases!

*from the other room* Fine. Did you file your report? They are all just outing themselves on social media like a bunch of trained baboons at this point. Very entertaining.

Yes. Did someone hack in and intercept it?

👩🏼‍🎓Probably.👩🏼‍🎓

Motherfuckers.

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That Won’t Work Either

*from the other room* I saw your latest suggestion to the DEA, are you joking or...???

Dead serious.

👹Is this from when people were giving you stuff laced with other stuff and now your brain chemistry isn’t even something in recorded medical history. What combination of pills are you even on?👹

Uh, yeah. Hello? Also, I don’t know.

*from the other room* Some of that was us.

Yeah, well, some of it wasn’t and I’m still FURIOUS so...

*from the other room* They aren’t going to go for this. The DEA is a bunch of puss...

💊 What was that?💊

Oh here we go...

[fieldnotesconfidential]

The Communist Youths Are Still Populating The Internet With Garbage

Still with this?

*from the other room* We have been successful in converting many of them to actual interaction with others like them in person but there is still a select group of shut-ins populating the Internet using fake accounts. An astounding number of fake accounts. And perpetuating false information.

👩🏼‍🎓Did you not implement The Russia-China Close-Off? Have they caught on that we’ve tracked everything and can see everything they’ve done?👩🏼‍🎓

I guess they aren’t too keen on minute details but we’ve definitely identified and rounded them all up thanks to technology.

[fieldnotesconfidential]

Rursus Adamantem

👹How’s anger management going?👹

Not the best.

👩🏼‍🔬Oh here we go.👩🏼‍🔬

*from the other room* Was it the file folders? We can’t give you information on some cases while you’re in them because that would compromise the case and, in many cases, your life.

Are you being serious or???

*from the other room* Half serious.

💃🏼What happened?💃🏼

A series of things, really. First? Someone drafted paperwork and started rumors saying we were married then sent a series of male prostitutes my way to try to catch me in soliciting a prostitute and then also as an insult.

💃🏼Ew.💃🏼

Exactly. Also the money can be traced to the source so those parties were held responsible as an accessory.

💃🏼That’s so stupid.💃🏼

It gets worse. Next, someone has been creating a staggering number of fake social media accounts to perpetuate a completely made-up industry and fuel delusions for those chasing fame.

👹An absolute nightmare.👹

You don’t know the half of it. Lastly, someone is battling mental illness, AS WE ALL ARE AT THIS POINT DUE TO THE DRUGGINGS AND ASSORTMENT OF POISONINGS, however, they’ve manifested their symptoms into a demonic possession situation but it is false and it is very clear why that is false and the rectification of the situation and reset of the situation or *air quotes* spell *air quotes* could be easily facilitated but I’m already in trouble with the Vatican for something seperate but related.

*from the other room* I have a call with them this afternoon. They are convinced you are the literal Devil. Seriously. Someone is working on a new text and you keep proving them correct.

God dammit.

👩🏼‍🔬If you get a moment I need to try a serum on you in the lab.👩🏼‍🔬

UGH FINE

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Profiling 101

*from the other room* Okay, pop quiz. Go.

I don’t even know the questio...

*from the other room* The profiling rules!

Ohhhh okay, so, make them question their intelligence and see how antagonized they get, if they back down and come back calm-aggressive it’s gonna be bad.

*from the other room* Correct, and why is that?

...because when normal fucking people are communicating and someone makes it EXTREMELY CLEAR that someone else is making them uncomfortable NORMALLY social queues would dictate the person would back off versus up the intensity.

*from the other room* That’s right! However you are tasked with fielding those with whom cannot pick up on that, some to the extent that they will end a li...

Yeah I know! I’ve been through this! No hospital visits this time I am going to be crystal fucking clear with people if someone cannot respect my boundaries.

*from the other room* Good! Keep your cool online though, all of your accounts are Government controlled and monitored so we can track these people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m doubling my meds.

👩🏼‍🔬You can triple them for the next mission if you want.👩🏼‍🔬

Done.

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The Global Economy Has Been Impacted

The funds are being generated from ad revenue from YouTube playlists perfectly calibrated into various genres.

*from the other room* What is the total?

More than the average GDP of most countries around the world.

*from the other room* Well which countries? There’s a lot of countries. What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

*from the other room* Jesus Christ. Locate and account for every single dollar. All of it. Where has it been routed? Who has intercepted it? Where is it being laundered? ALL OF IT

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Probably Not

*from the other room* Agent, the most insane person on the planet is still hunting you down for decades and decades and decades and any time you meet anyone or have any kind of connection that seems meaningful to you they will intervene and make sure that is fractured or vanishes. Could you please at least try to have a normal reaction and some kind of emotion about it at some point considering you truly care about these people and legitimately form relationships and then they are taken away?

Honestly? No. I don’t care anymore. What’s even the point? If each and every time someone is undermining me and coming in to halt everything what is the point.

*from the other room* Because we need to make sure your other serious and major injuries have healed and we are checking to see if you’re legitimately apathetic or if you’re just masking your extreme feelings.

I’m masking my emotions very well. I’m absolutely devastated.

🐲Seriously? You seem fine.🐲

I could legitimately start sobbing right now I’m just choosing not to because what is the point?

🐲That’s wild.🐲

Anyway, I’m so over-the-top beyond dealing with rumors and a fake lives other people have conjured up and fake documents and on and on and on and on.

*from the other room* That’s your life. You have no identity. Suck it up.

Fine.

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You’re On Serial Killer Duty Again But You Can Do It Remotely

Comeon, another one?

*from the other room* This one is copying off the Craigslist one that lures people they feel have sinned to abandoned and cursed places with weird religious symbolism, remember that one?

MmmHmm.

*from the other room* This one lures random innocent people looking for jump scares to their disembowelment after unbelievable emotional and psychological torture. We’re sending you into one in about six months as bait and surveillance, and to see how he does it, and uncover the pattern, is that cool?

No.

*from the other room* Okay awesome. Walk off your PTSD from the other stuff because this will be BRUTAL

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UGH FINE

Did you get my linguisting breakdown of the dialect that has formed in that small experimental society?

*from the other room* Did you email it or upload it?

Both.

*from the other room* No I didn’t get it.

God dammit. Did those cancel each other out or di...

*from the other room* Hahahaha I got it. Robot!

You’re a robot!

*from the other room* Dog!

Is that an insult or a compliment?

*from the other room* Well, I haven’t read it yet I just saw you turned it in.

WHY DO I EVEN TRY?