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[fiidlesticks-blog]

The small girl who was first raped 12 years ago is trapped inside the figments of my imagination. Laying on my hippocampus like its a hammock causing both spheres its connecting to divide like the northern &southern sides of the equator. I don't remember her much before, all I can see is her broken. Penis always seemed to leave her sub emotion. From before she was fives bee's needed honey from her hive. She was sweet, used on toast and marinated on the evening roast. After 10 she didn't flinch, figured she deserved her unwrapped gift. No returns nor exchanges; a regular site of obstructed sensation. Fear arrives like the second cumming. My holes don't bleed since the first anointing. Since my trust demolition my heart and males I depended on abandoned me from the start. Ill never forget that you were my father. That you left me to tend to children from another. My heart became an open feen; confusing love like pheromones and dopamine. Each meal opened and closed with the spread of my knees. A boyfriend, foster brothers, stranger, friend that guy from the party, wiped my tears as his clothes shed. Then it was you who made me feel bad, for saying no because I wanted you to chill instead. But your dick had no chill and neither did your bed... spreading my legs because I feared fighting you instead. As I began to disassociate, my beautiful body was being raped. but maybe I shoulda know motel 6 wasn't no date I told you I was exhausted you little dipwad fuck face

fiddle

[fiidlesticks-blog]

[fiidlesticks-blog]

Dear Heavenly Father... you could say the Mormon in me holds high, infliction causing me to question life versus  counting my blessings or persevering through my strife a black girl, raised upon a straight and narrow the Bible as a backbone  the Book of Mormon as my life years of feeling that we are the chosen people but everything about religion  seems to marginalize those who seem most alive dedicated nearly not enough of my life to invalidate the basis of man kind but I do hold a few questions, that about which I have heard i'm told to pray and look to my scriptures but I can't be the only one feeling this ripture Deuteronomy can't suffice for my Frequently Asked Questions Isaiah tells me "hope in the lord shall renew my strength" but it's not the lord I lost, its the religion that reaps his face his blue eyes and pale skin which don't reflect my own his overbearing masculinity most righteous and divine a culture that pushes different then my hood the thing that leaves me misunderstood I have my flawed convictions, as a Black, Mormon, Female, Critical Gender Studies Major the oxymoron, quite indicative I can't operate in a world of religion without grasping race, patriarchy, and those it leaves to hate can't persecute love, cuz the heart makes no mistakes lord, what if I choose to drink and smoke my lighter, my blunt the closest friends I've ever known other then my pen and paper or my heart and my head God would you still love me for having sex out of wed? for being attracted to the idea of a man but lovin a woman because she respects me instead or for fornicating late into the night my mouth not speaking, but my lips feeling just right and instead of crying out my sins feeling more accepted by *snaps* and hmphs and grins vibeing with people who speak the poetic tongue and binge do you love me for still seeing the light but wondering if there is another more bright pierced holes bleeding skin crucified his own child for our sins yet I can't crucify thing I love holes in my skin but not for him above piercings and tattoos keep me from atoning or is it my cursed Cain reflected skin? maybe Abel's life, the one worth mourning yes I had once walked the straightest seam but still my feet would cut and bleed God why can't I worship and still be woke?? "blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness" but who is to say by rights aren't just? I say these things not to be taken as a joke just thought it was time that lord we spoke to tell you directly about my rues why the temple now seems too white and hymnal melodies baring perceptive truths I know you carry me regardless of my life choices but i'm not too sure which ones would be anointed that's why we really needed this conversation my knees never tired of reaching you for revelation but my feet needed a chance to have their own standing ovation lord before I close, let me not forget I say these thing to you, in your name Amen

fiddle

[fiidlesticks-blog]

You are my benefits with friend Yes, let it sink in My benefits with friend NOT my friend with benefits For the longest conversation we ever had Lasted a couple of hours between the couch downstairs and The cheetah print of my comforter Red... t-shirt cotton sheets Matching the passion of each thrust between My hips and your ... control stick Yes, you are my benefits with friend Because we couldn't get through a movie in english Without our tongues needing french subtitles Lack of 3D glasses prevented visuals upon the screen Yet, I still felt the urges coming from your 1 D ..imension You are my benefits with friend and I am the girl who felt safe enough to Let your fingers do the talking My legs, do the provoking Benefits with friend became more like just benefits as friend fell off the radar a long time ago amongst some other shit Benefits with... benefits You grabbed me and made us fit Leaving male cologne stained pillow cases and prickles from chin hairs on my shoulder The tightness of your grip ultimately making the situation hard to equip Yet, you caress all of me, as you held the little spoon tight within your dreams But still, the fork jumped over the moon Benefits... benefits Benefits of an empty heart, multiple night stands and ravished emotions Kisses goodbye leaving both quite solace my virginity's extortion, or  extortion to his virginity Both bodies exsanguinate, no ability to love equally Benefits with lack there of Contrary to popular belief We are more similar then appeared to be We are more broken, empty, and unfulfilled We are much more then Benefits

fiddle