finalities

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

Mornings were always the worst. While he struggled to wake himself up, he found it damn near impossible to get Bear up without it resulting in a war. Mornings had always been Ava’s speciality, then again, raising Bear in general had been. Abel tried every trick in the book, or least the extent of his knowledge in an attempt to calm the child. He’d scanned over parenting boards to find a solution, but no method seemed to fix the madness that unfolded in the Thomas household. “Good morning,” he greeted, a single nod all he could give before he handed over the child. “He’s mad that I woke him up. I didn’t want him to miss a feeding time, but I guess I screwed that one up,” he explained, feeling less defeated with her around. “Mom said it’s payback for all the times I did her like this,” he added lightly, accepted that she offered the nurturing touch that his son needed. “I can make breakfast, if you want? You can’t do everything around here.”

Monika’s fingertips stroked the back of Bear’s head, brushing through his bedhead, as he began to settle in her arms. She continued to sway as Abel filled her in on the reason for this morning’s outburst. “It’s best to let them sleep at this age. They’ll wake up and ask for food when they’re ready,” she said, offering him a smile. The parenting books lining the bookshelf in the room ⏤ Ava’s touch, she had to imagine, like most things in the house ⏤ had been a huge help in deciphering the toddler’s differing vocalizations and determining what he needed based on the verbal and non-verbal language he used. “Don’t beat yourself up. You’re looking out for him.” Her laughter at his mother’s joking remark of retribution inspired a similar reaction from Bear, who in the last day or two had taken to mimicry, imitating any major expression or reaction he witnessed around her and his father. He had also taken to hair-pulling, and was reaching for Monika’s ponytail when she intercepted his small hand. “I’ll tell you what: you can have the choice of feeding Bear or making breakfast. He’s already up, so we can get him settled in his high chair. What do you say?”

[finalities]

⏤ 16 DAYS MISSING.

"Abel?” Monika called his name out as she closed the front door and locked it behind her. Under normal circumstances, she would have rang the doorbell and waited for Abel to answer. But in the days that followed her first visit to his house since Ava’s disappearance, they had fallen into a sort of routine, where she would come by the house and let herself in, as if they had always done this even though it had only been six days. Today, she was greeted by the frantic cries of Bear upstairs instead of Abel’s weary welcome. Crossing the front entranceway, she climbed the stairs to the second floor as she had done so many times in the preceding days, and padded down the hallway to Bear’s nursery. The door was ajar, and it was only when she stepped into the frame that she found Abel standing in the middle of the room holding his son, Bear’s face pink with anger as he cried out, his father holding him at his shoulder. “Oh, goodness,” Monika said softly, stepping into the room. As she moved closer, she held her hands out, indicating to Abel that he could hand the child over to her. She knew his eardrums likely needed the reprieve. “What’s wrong today, sweetness?” she murmured, accepting the infant child as Abel set him in her arms. Once Bear was against her chest, she held him close and began to sway side to side, something she’d learned to help soothe the fourteen-month-old. “Hey, there,” she said, smiling up at Abel. “Are we having a rough morning?”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

As much as he needed to pull away, he couldn’t bring himself to do just that. How was he supposed to walk away with her fingers clenched into his shirt? “I never stopped caring about you,” he assured, eyes focused on emerald hues. Even after all those years, a marriage and a child, he never stopped wanting her. “I can’t promise anything, but I can try.” Truth be told, he wasn’t quite sure he understood how to be her friend. Maybe it’d all work out with the chaos that was bound to unfold around them, or maybe it would always be a foreign topic. Regardless, he couldn’t run.

Monika could feel the steady beat of his heart under her palm. It kept her present and aware of every second that passed between them as they stood together by his son’s crib, her hand clutching his shirt and his hands cradling her face. She wanted to kiss him then, wanted to impart upon him a tenderness to ease his pain. She wanted to taste the tequila on his lips and slip into a familiar bliss. They could forget about everything for just a moment. But even as he returned her admission of care, telling her that he never stopped caring about her, she knew she couldn’t cross that line. Not here, not again. She started to speak, only managing to get out quiet, “Abel, I⏤” before Bear stirred in his crib and began to cry. His unsettling wails broke the silence in the room, and Monika could feel a pang of hurt reverberate in her chest as Abel’s hands fell away from her face and she released her hold on his shirt. Despite the darkness, she could see the expression on his face and recognized the look of slight panic. “Abel,” she said, touching his arm as he stood frozen before her. He appeared to be processing what was going on; exhausted and worn down, he hesitated just long enough to prompt Monika to act. “It’s okay,” she cooed as she leaned into the crib and lifted Bear out, mindful to cradle the back of his head as she pulled him close to her chest. "Shh, shh. You’re okay, honey. Daddy’s right here,” she hummed, reaching out for Abel’s hand, guiding him to gently pat his son’s back in a comforting manner. “You’re okay,” she repeated, looking right to Abel as she soothed Bear, unsure if she was saying it for his benefit or his son’s. “Everything’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

fin.

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

Out of everyone that had came over to check on him, Monika was the only person that bothered pushing against his resistance. She understood him and knew just what made him tick. She was just as stubborn as he’d remembered, always willing to help, no matter what it would cost her in the end. “I’m trying,” he assured, though some days that was easier to believe than others. Swallowing hard, Abel’s hands found comfort cupping the woman’s face. Her skin was warm as thumbs brushed against her temples. She was too good to be true, but he’d known that his whole life. “I’m going to be fine, alright? I’m always going to be fine.” If he said it enough, there was a chance he’d actually start to believe it. “Look at me,” he exhaled, eyes finding her lighter hues through the dim lighting. “I’m going to be okay.” He couldn’t promise that, but he’d try. If not for himself, then for Bear.

Monika’s fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt, her free hand moving to grip the railing of the crib to keep herself upright as Abel held her face in his hands, the pads of his thumbs working over her temples. Her gaze faltered, falling to his chest, then lifting to his mouth. It was his turn to reassure her, and she wanted so badly to believe him when he told her that he was going to be okay. She couldn’t handle the thought of anything happening to him. All of this was difficult enough, she didn’t want to fathom a reality where any harm came to him or his family. It was only when he asked her to look at him that she met his eyes. This close, she could smell the tequila on his breath. She wondered if it’d had any effect on him, on his response to her. “I still care about you,” she murmured softly, acutely aware of the child sleeping a mere foot away from them. “Please don’t push me away. I want to help.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

“I think he’s gonna have my smile too. He does this thing,” he hummed, eyes finding his son’s sleeping frame once more. “He does this thing where he I swear he grins just like I do. It’s like he knows he’s being an ass.” Ava had commented on it tons during Bear’s dramatic moments, but she wasn’t wrong. No matter what the next day brought, Abel knew he couldn’t give in to the temptation of defeat. He’d always have to stand tall, even when he felt so small. “I know. I can’t give up. I won’t.” While leaning on her would be hard, Abel was sure there was no other way he’d make it through this. It was fucked up to be leaning on someone he loved in the way he loved Monika, but other than his mother, she was the only person who knew how to help. Money couldn’t buy his trust or comfort; only time did. “I can’t ask you do that. You have to sleep.” That, and he was sure her husband would eventually return, right? God, he needed the sleep though. “I’ll stay in here. It’s where I sleep,” he admitted, releasing a quiet huff of air before turning toward her. “You don’t have to do this,” he reminded, eyes tracing the shape of her face the way he’d done so many times before. Somehow, she’d changed so much, yet not at all since they were young.

To hear Abel speak so reverently about his son gave Monika hope that he wasn’t slipping away, falling under the weight of the heavy burden that had come to rest on his shoulders. Not to mention the outside stressors. The rumors around town, the speculation about him. The investigation. Standing here, in Bear’s room, she saw his edges soften. She saw his vulnerability in the dim light. She saw strength in a man who was being beaten down by everyone and everything. And she felt love ⏤ something that had never truly gone away no matter how many years they put between the past and present. “I know I don’t have to do it,” she said softly, her hand stilling as it fell to his lower back. “But I can’t stand by and do nothing, Abel. It kills me to see you like this. You haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten.” He turned to look at her and she couldn’t bring herself to break contact. She needed it, needed to stay tethered to him somehow. Moving her hand, she placed her palm gently on his chest and looked up at him. A sigh fell from her lips. "I’m worried about you.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

It felt inevitable. It’d been ten days and as hopeful of a man as he was, Abel couldn’t let go of the idea that maybe something had happened. Whatever that something was, maybe he’d never know. “All I care about is him.” It was hard to care for himself when he was too busy blaming himself instead. What more could he have done to prevent this? God, he’d never stop asking that. Nodding, Abel released a quiet, muffled chuckle. “Everyone says he looks more like her, but he’s got my eyes,” he grinned, though the words came with a shot of pain all the same. He still remembered the night Ava cried the moment she released her son wouldn’t share her oceanic hues. “It doesn’t always feel like that.” It was a heavy confession, especially to the father himself. “I’m trying,” he half lied, eyes finding hers in the dimly lit room. “I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to sleep knowing he could need me.”

A smile formed on Monika’s face. “He definitely has your eyes.” And how fortunate was he, to have inherited his father’s most beautiful physical trait ⏤ the very eyes that were looking at her now in the faint light. Even in the near-darkness she could see his pain shining through them. It hurt her to see him like this, overwrought with doubt, exhausted by everything life had thrown at him in the preceding days. “Some days will be easier than others; some days will be harder,” she said, her hand traveling up and down his spine, still moving in reassuring motions. “But you can’t give up, okay? And you can’t be afraid to lean on me.” A thought crossed her mind ⏤ one she should have given more thought, but in the moment, she was desperate to ease his suffering. “I can stay the night. I’ll stay up and watch Bear, so you can sleep.” It was too much, too soon. Dropping off dinner was one thing, but this was something else entirely. Something she wasn’t sure she would know how to explain to her husband, beyond simply stating that Abel needed help with Bear, and who was she to decline helping a friend whose wife was missing? Fearful she’d overstepped, Monika added: “Please, just tell me how I can help.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

The walk to Bear’s nursery felt endless with Monika’s perfume stuck in his head. He kept his eyes straight ahead with every step, knowing where every picture was placed and just how to avoid it. He’d never wanted to do half the photoshoots that Ava had talked him into. He hadn’t being in front of the camera, despite his years of practice. It was always pretending to be something they weren’t, but perhaps Ava had thought they were. Maybe she truly had believed they were the perfect family and maybe eventually he could’ve too. At least that’s what he always told himself with every day that passed.

Abel moved toward his child’s crib slowly as if guided by the gentle touch on his back. How was he still terrified of his own kid? The man leaned over slightly, catching a full view of Bear still knocked as if nothing in the world could’ve touched him. “I remember the night we brought him home,” he mumbled quietly, eyes never leaving his son. “I was so afraid of hurting him that a nurse to put him in the carseat. When we got home, my mom was already there. It’s like she knew,” he laughed, feeling his eyes burn as tears dared to spill onto tanned cheeks. “Ava told me he wasn’t nearly as fragile as I thought he was, but how do you look at something so small and not be scared?” While he’d moved past the fear of accidentally hurting Bear, another fear had took over entirely. What if he wasn’t able to support the needs of his son? What if being a father wasn’t nearly as natural as he’d always assumed it to be? “I don’t know what I’m going to tell him if…,” he paused, unable to say the words aloud. If Ava never returned, how did he explain that in the future?

Monika’s hand moved in small motions on Abel’s back in an effort to calm him as he spoke, recounting the night he and Ava had brought their son home for the first time, and the fear that had come with fatherhood. She understood the fear of causing harm to such a tiny being; it had coursed through her the first time she’d held Bear during her and Sebastian’s visit to see the new parents and their beloved child in the days following the birth. Nestled in the crib now, Abel’s son slept peacefully. Monika gazed down at him, amazed by him and how much he’d already grown in the last year. “You don’t need to think about that right now,” Monika whispered in the dark, shifting closer, her hand still working on Abel’s back. “All you need to do is take care of yourself, and take care of him.” It was much easier said than done for him to focus on the present and not worry about the future, but if she didn’t talk him down from the ledge, he’d burn himself out on the stress of what was yet to come. “He’s so beautiful,” she said in an effort to shift his focus to his son and away from the hypotheticals running through his head. “You’re a good father, Abel. He’s lucky to have you.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

He could never blame her for the way he felt. It wasn’t her fault she was everything his heart craved, even after all those years apart. It wasn’t her fault he looked at his wedding ring at times and wondered why he’d vowed his life away to a woman he’d never be able to give his all. They’d made a family and while things were starting to look forward, Abel couldn’t let go of the summer before. “Come with me?” he exhaled, unsure why he’d made the offer when her back was towards him. He needed a second to breathe, but being away from her in a moment like this? That seemed like a harder pill to swallow than he wanted. “Odds are he’s probably still knocked, but if he’s not, I could use some backup.” If anyone was going to show him the way of nurturing a child, it was Monika. If that would offer a distraction to the dark places his mind lingered to, then it was something he was willing to try. “Please?”

The request to accompany him upstairs to check on Bear was not something Monika had expected. Admittedly, she felt out of sorts in the house, due to a combination of her own warring emotions and the fact that they were alone, something he had admitted he didn’t trust. But wasn’t it something she needed to be comfortable with if she was going to help him? He was asking for her assistance now; refusing it seemed callous, selfish. She couldn’t put her feelings ahead of what was needed. Dropping her head, she inhaled deeply before turning to face him. “Okay.” A beat passed between them before either of them moved. “Lead the way?” she asked, prompting him to guide her through the house. She followed him silently as he climbed the stairs to the second floor, trying not to spend too much time focusing on the various framed family photos that lined the wall. There were pictures of Abel and Ava from their engagement photoshoot and wedding, and ones of Bear spanning his growth from newborn up until recently. At the top of the stairs was a gorgeous family portrait that Monika assumed to be somewhat recent, given Bear’s size. She couldn’t stand to look at it any longer than was necessary to register the details. 

Abel stopped before a door along the corridor, pausing before he slowly turned the handle and opened it to reveal Bear’s nursery. The room was dark, but in the faint light in the hallway, Monika could see a crumpled blanket and pillow on the floor. Her heart ached as she watched Abel step over the mess to approach the crib. How many nights had he spent on the floor, lying awake, agonizing over the absence of his wife? Standing in the doorway, Monika felt like she was intruding on the moment, but she couldn’t look away, couldn’t stop herself from entering the room, trailing behind him until she was standing a half-step behind him. Lifting her hand, she placed it on his back as a sign of her wordless support. 

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

Despite everyone labeling him strong, Abel knew he was weak. He couldn’t deny the way his heart raced every time the phone rang. He couldn’t wash down the sadness he got every time he looked at his own son that resembled his mother more so than his father. How was he supposed to care for a child without his wife? How was he supposed to do anything without his wife? It was only when Monika pulled away that Abel felt his facade falter. She could encourage him all she wanted with her kind words, but it ultimately, it changed nothing. He was a man in love with someone else, trapped in a nightmare with a missing wife and a child he felt out of place caring for. Perhaps it would’ve been better for Bear to stay with his own mother, but Abel couldn’t stand the thought of staying in the house alone. “Don’t,” he hummed, pulling back entirely, head shaking. “Don’t apologize,” he added, temptation to down the entire bottle of tequila all too strong. He couldn’t do that, not with his son upstairs. “I should probably check on him. Just to make sure he’s okay.” It was the only thing that was going to keep him from the bottle, even with Monika standing before him.

It was difficult to hide the tears from him as he pulled away, completely disentangling himself from her. Monika kept her head down, wiping at her cheeks. Don’t apologize. It was all she felt capable of doing in the moment; the only suitable measure to make up for the thoughts racing through her head. She had been the one to start, to lean away first. And yet, she found herself feeling rebuffed by his move to put distance between them. Even if it gave her space to calm her thunderous pulse. She nodded when mentioned checking in on Bear. The house was deathly quiet; for only a moment, she’d forgotten that they weren’t completely alone, and that his son was sleeping upstairs, blissfully unaware of everything, unable to comprehend that his mother was missing and his father was struggling to cope. “Yeah,” she said, sniffling as she turned away from him and toward the counter, resting her hands on the cool marble. Her glass was so close, nearly in reach. “You should check on him. I’ll... I’ll stay here.” If he was going to leave the room, she didn’t want to watch him go. 

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

He hadn’t expected her to say anything back, especially not the words he wanted so desperately to hear. Monika was everything he’d ever wanted, but at the same time, everything he didn’t think he deserved. He’d been the one to leave for LA without looking back and she’d been the one who supported him through it. Maybe, just maybe if he’d been a bit more patient, he could’ve had it all. Or, maybe if he’d reached out like he wanted to all those years ago, things could’ve been different. Nodding, Abel stood from his chair, free arm looping around her frame gently as he pulled he closer into his chest. If she wanted to pull away, he wouldn’t blame her, but he craved the comfort in her touch. “Thank you,” he hummed against the top of her head, arms closed firmly around her. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so at peace in the last ten days, but having her in arms offered him just that. Missing wife or not, Monika was still his safe place.

Monika’s breath hitched as Abel stood and drew her into an embrace. Her hand on his shoulder fell away to settle tentatively on his back as his arm wound around her, pulling her flush against him. Could he feel her heart hammering in her chest? Could he hear the way her breathing had changed? Could he sense that she was seconds away from breaking down in his arms? Her bottom lip quivered as he thanked her, and her eyes filled with tears once more. Emotion rose steadily in her throat; at the risk of having it all tumble out, she was afraid to speak. But the silence was too much for her to bear. “Of course,” she mumbled into the fabric of his shirt, and immediately resented how her voice cracked on the last syllable. How could she find any comfort in this ⏤ standing here in his arms, in the house he shared with his wife, as ten days had passed without any news of her whereabouts? Ava could be out there somewhere, gravely injured or in a situation far more dire. And here Monika was, comforting the woman’s husband, entertaining such lurid memories, all the while trying to hold it together long enough to avoid making matters worse. Abel had enough on his plate. “I’m so sorry,” she said softly, pulling away slightly. “I’m sorry about Ava. I’m sorry about everything.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

He was better than this; better than the asshole everyone had assumed he’d turn into once he hit the spotlight. Even while on the road with plenty of opportunities, Abel was never tempted. He kept his down and performed as he was asked; everything else was merely background noise. Still, as he sat in the privacy of his own kitchen, he found it hard not to reach out and close what little distance stayed between them. Gaze shifted to her touch, which somehow only left him wanting more. “I miss you,” he hummed, words sweet like honey dripping from his lips. He missed her in every single way possible, but what he missed most was the comfort she never failed to offer. While everyone else rattled off cliche words to make him feel better, she put forth action and showed just how much she wanted to support him. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this,” he trailed off, eyes finding hers once more, “but I’ll figure it out. Just don’t leave.” Losing Ava was one thing, but losing Monika too? He couldn’t.

Monika’s heart was in her throat as she regarded him, her pulse a steady rhythm in her ears as her gaze traveled over his face. “I miss you, too,” she whispered, and it still felt deafeningly loud in the silence of his kitchen. The irony of his words was not lost on her. After all, it had been Abel who had left all those years ago, Abel who had moved on, Abel who had married first and started a family. She could never fault him for chasing his dreams, but she still remembered the renewed heartbreak of seeing his picture splashed across the gossip rags at the grocery store checkout, in various paparazzi photos depicting him with different women. And then the news of his engagement to Ava, followed by the Save the Date for their wedding. She had been so happy to see him so content, but she’d never been able to swallow down the grief of losing him completely. Her sadness was palpable now as she looked him in the eye, wordlessly willing him to understand that she’d been here all along, and she wasn’t going anywhere. “You take it one day at a time,” she said, moving her hand to his shoulder, the movement drawing her closer to where he sat. “And I’ll be here. I’m not going to let you go through this alone. I promise.”

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

More than anything, Abel wanted his wife back home. At least if she was there, he could continue to live with the fact that he’d screwed up. Maybe once she got home safe, he’d tell her everything. If their marriage survived it, then so be it. If it didn’t, then he got the satisfaction of coming clean. It was wishful thinking, considering it’d been ten days since her disappearance, but he held out hope. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t of kissed me back. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Clearly, he hadn’t been. Not only had he put his marriage in jeopardy, but he’d risked hers too. One time was more than enough to make him need another; to make him need something more. It hadn’t been his call to make the summer before and it wasn’t his to make now as tequila settled on his lips and jumbled his thoughts. “I’d do it all over again if I could.” Bold statement coming from a man with a missing wife. Then again, Ava had been on the back burner of his thoughts for longer than the ten days she’d been missing. “Does that make me a horrible person?”

How could Monika believe herself to be a bad person for what had transpired between them and not think the same of Abel for his role in it all? It was so much easier to demonize her own actions and the desire that had flowed through her like the tequila was now, making her face warm, loosening her tongue. The alcohol, mixed with a resurgence of the feelings she’d tried to keep at bay for so long, made her feel far more drunk than she could possibly be on tequila alone. God, how could one person get her so flustered, so easily? The effect he had on her was unlike anything she’d experienced with anyone, except for maybe her husband. But as her eyes drifted down to Abel’s lips, and her mind flooded with thoughts of that fateful summer afternoon, she knew that what she felt with each of the two men was incomparable. Incomparable not because she was married to one and mourning the could-have-beens with the other, but because she was just shy of the realization that she’d never truly love Sebastian the way she loved Abel. “You’re not a horrible person,” Monika assured him, reaching out to grasp his arm in a show of physical comfort. “You’re... perfectly human, with complex emotions. That doesn’t make you horrible. It makes you real.” She squeezed his arm lightly, hoping he would accept what she was saying. 

[finalities]

I did not beg him to stay because I was begging God that he would not leave.

Warsan Shire, What Your Mother Told You After Your Father Left (via wnq-writers)

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

Whether Sebastian or Ava liked it, Monika would always be a part of him. She taught him to love, to possess patience and enjoy the small things that life had to offer, and she pushed him to do better and be better. When the offer from LA had been put on the table, despite their budding relationship, she hadn’t asked him to stay. If that wasn’t an act of selfless love, he wasn’t quite sure what was. “I’m the one who kissed you,” he shrugged, head shaking, “you were only reacting.” That’s what he’d wanted to believe, because at least if that were true, it would mean there wasn’t a chance. “It was one time. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. You’re good, Monika. You’ve always been good.” And she’d always be good, no matter what she did.

Monika kept her eyes averted from Abel as heat bloomed in her cheeks, a potent combination of the truths they were sharing and the alcohol working through her system. The tremor in her hand was impossible to hide as her fingers brushed across the wetness on her cheek, wiping away the tears that had spilled over. She hated how quick she was to tears. “I still kissed you back. I didn’t have to, but I did. More than once. And I wanted to.” Finally, slowly, her line of sight shifted across the room to him, settling on his face, searching for any indication that she was making a grave mistake, being so honest. It was hardly the time, considering the circumstances. “It doesn’t make me a good person, even if it was one time,” she said quietly, gaze locked on him. Despite the nervous energy flowing through her, she felt bold. Her hand fell to rest atop the counter, inches from his. The desire to touch him was unravelling her on the inside. “But I didn’t care about it in the moment. Because you made me feel good.” A light huff of air passed between her lips, a faint exhale, before she mumbled: “Better than good.”

[finalities]

sebastian damien ward ⏤ 39 years old ⏤ trauma surgeon.

thunderstorms, barrel-aged bourbon, fluorescent lights, leather gloves, a gold wedding band, hot steam showers, steady hands, the revving of an engine, yellowed pages in old books, echoes in empty hallways, cold bedsheets, firm handshakes, black coffee in the morning, calvin klein underwear, a heavy feeling of dread.

[finalities]

[finalities]

ABEL THOMAS.

A missing wife was one way to tear him down, but if anything happened to Monika too? He’d be downright useless. It wasn’t fair to think like that, but nothing seemed fair anymore. Life was unfair, or so he’d be told by countless people. God, if only they knew how right they actually were. “We did,” he grinned, feeling a slight tug of heat settling in his stomach. It was hard to forget the nights she’d wrapped herself around him on that family couch. If her moms had ever found out, he was sure they’d would’ve burned it to the ground along with everything Monika owned. “It was.” That was something he couldn’t easily agree to. Close calls or not, riding out his high with her had been a feeling unmatched, Ava included. 

The break in her words made his heart beat harder. Did she understand? Did that hurt? He half wondered if she’d ever told her husband, but the nights they’d came over for dinner told him that she hadn’t. If she had, there was no way she’d be there before him, right? “I don’t know that I’ve ever trusted us,” he admitted, eyes still trained on hers. It was as honest as he’d ever been about what lingered between them, but he didn’t expect the same to come from her. She still had her marriage and a husband that should’ve been waiting at home for her return.

“I know I shouldn’t think about it, but I do.” It was a dangerous confession, one that would potentially break every single offer she’d already made. “I shouldn’t have kissed you that day, Monika, but I did.” And he hadn’t stopped thinking about it since.

The relief (and, however slight, satisfaction) of having Abel echo the sentiment that every close call, ever near-miss, had been worth the trouble was washed away by the shock of his admission that he was unsure he’d ever trusted them together. Monika stood frozen before him, fingers stilled around her glass, feeling like she’d had the wind knocked out of her. His words repeated in her head once more: I know I shouldn’t think about it, but I do. Was this the time for her to come clean, to tell him the mistake they’d made was one that had played over in her mind in the days that followed, too, and far beyond that? Tears filled her eyes. She could never truly hide emotion on her face, not when it surfaced like this, in a sudden rush of exhilarating fear. Looking away from him, she fixed her blurry gaze on the entrance to the hallway where it had all happened. “And I shouldn’t have kissed you back. But I did,” Monika replied, blinking furiously to keep the tears from falling. “I wanted it. I wanted you. I don’t know how I live with that.”