finalterms

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Happy "The Bear Season 4" to all those who celebrate 🐻🐻🐻

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The most inconvenient truth is that men do misogyny because they get something from it. They get labor from intimate partners, they get social capital in their public circles, they get the benefit of the doubt, they get default respect and promotions and people listening to them and people afraid of them.

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Do I have to die to be loved?

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BPD culture is purposely triggering yourself when you feel empty/numb, so at least you'll feel something.

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WHEN ON PERIOD:

do not crash out

your feelings are NOT valid

do not send that text

don't kill yourself. lock in

do not act on negative emotions until at least 2 days have elapsed

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painting this on the ceiling above my bed so it's the first thing i see upon waking in the morning and the last thing i see before falling asleep at night

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Nope, still want to kms whenever something goes wrong

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Bonskeid House, Pithlochry, Scotland,

Oliver GM. Lewis Photography

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There’s something truly tragic about how Robby’s top residents (Frank and Mohan) have the worse coping mechanisms out of everyone else. To the point they hide it and try to pretend things are fine when they aren’t.

I don’t BLAME robby one bit but part of me wonders if Frank and Mohan saw Robby and thought that THIS was how their suppose to cope. While I love Robby I think it’s clear he doesn’t have space for any relationship even being a Mentor. It’s clear with how he interacts with his younger residents.

Due to his own fair share of baggage. It is possible he might have inadvertently taught them harmful coping mechanisms.

honestly, this is a very interesting way to look at it. i've been really careful about saying anything about robby because i don't wanna start anything and because i can't be certain how much of my feelings and thoughts about him and his handling his top residents is just me feeling very strongly about both frank and mohan (i don't talk about mohan a lot, i know, but the quiet of her breakdown really got to me, she tries so fucking hard--) but uh, YEAH, here we go.

what if find superbly interesting about mohan and langdon is how we've been trying to determine what kind of 'child' they read as, meaning, youngest? oldest? eldest daughter, youngest son, and so forth. i wonder if part of it stems from the fact that they have this mentor/mentee, sort of work parental relationship with robby specifically.

he berates them and responds to them implying a connection that establishes them directly under his authority and leadership, as opposed to collins, who is a senior resident like frank, but isn't treated in that same semi-distanced, semi-intimate way. the differences may be determined by age, how long they've known each other, by collins being robby's ex, but even then, that just implies collins likely never had a dynamic with robby the way robby has with samira and frank, for them to date in the first place..

those are his two oldest lmao, and as such, i do believe they get the brunt of the worst of what his mentorship can bring. robby's baggage is unfortunate, it is painful, he deserves all the help he can get, but much like a lot of parental figures in this world (we're keeping with the parental dynamic because it helps me word my thoughts), they rather let their responsibilities break them than seek that help.

i think robby projects a lot. and if samira and frank are his two closest proteges, they're simply likeliest to get direct crit hits from that. he doesn't know the new gang enough to do it but might one day if they climb the relationship ranks to positions similar to samira and frank; he treats and considers heather much more like an equal even if she is also a senior resident perhaps for her age or their past relationship (as elaborated on briefly); and while he tries to have a mentor relationship with mckay, i think perhaps her being a mother or her personality as a whole doesn't really allow for that same kind of dynamic.

mckay stands up to him, goes behind his back when she finds it necessary. she does this when she believes her attending is in the wrong. whenever frank or samira give the impression they're circumventing robby's input they're doing it with this energy of wanting to keep it from him not only because they're going solo, but because they expect a very intense emotional response they may dread having to confront.

THIS ALL BEING SAID, yes. the nature of robby's mentoring of frank and samira specifically does impart them with a lot of bad coping mechanisms. they're emotionally invested from the point of view of someone who is trying to apprehend. and not only that, they're also sensitive to his bad coping mechanisms, and often times when faced with such levels of projection, you start internalising it and projecting it back. bad behaviours are easy to incorporate when you're in a relationship with someone you rely on in multiple ways and are inclined to learn from.

when your parents treat you a certain way, even way into adulthood, and you technically recognise you'd never want to do the same to someone else, you may. you may never notice. and you may especially if you end up in confrontation with that same parent.

i also think robby would rather choke than get compared to people he's mentoring that are supposed to be better than him (someone said something similar on here once but i can't remember where/who, it was excellent). and you know what else? this part here where you say "While I love Robby I think it’s clear he doesn’t have space for any relationship even being a Mentor. It’s clear with how he interacts with his younger residents." i think this is absolutely fucking spot on. i think if he could stop mentoring, he would. but anyways ♥

i got this for and lost my train of thought i hope it makes sense

also no worries about saying you're not excusing his behaviour, there's no he's wrong he's right in that scenario. they're both wrong, and they're both right, meaning they both say things they shouldn't have, and in both cases i get where it came from and why they did it. plus, they're not real ♥

(tho i think if i had to say who handled the interaction worse i would have to pick robby because of the positions they started from, frank the addict in the scenario responding negatively was a given, which i think someone like robby would know, which is why i think he started nodding like that when frank started going 'what about you'. it sucks for robby that he had to be the one in that position, but it's also true that he fumbled it)

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I really want someone with a better understanding of emergency medicine than me to write a fic for the pitt that basically goes:

It's a few weeks since Langdon first arrived back from rehab, and he's been tentatively welcomed back and things seem to be getting back to normal. But one day, the staff in The Pitt get news of an MCI - a train derailment and crash with lots of casualties. They start prepping, and get frustrated that Langdon hasn't shown up yet despite the shift being about to start (they need every pair of hands they can get, and night shift has stayed late to help, just like the reverse in the show).

But senior leadership (who know why Langdon was stood down for a few months) start to worry a bit, so Robby texts Langdon and gets back a response of 'train delays, hopefully soon'. And he rolls his eyes, because of course the next time they have an MCI one of his senior residents isn't there yet again (though Collins is here this time and Fully Ready to dig in). But he's also relieved because for a moment he'd wondered if the tough shift the day before (something something drugs and personally confronting) had caused Langdon to slip.

Patients start coming in with sticky notes attached to their foreheads covered in scrawled messages to help the staff with what they're about to treat - what they're seeing, suggested treatment, what to look out for (e.g. any disabilities, medical history etc). Everyone is confused and then Mohan takes the initiative (because my baby is so kind and so ready to find out from the patient what they need) to talk to one of the patients and check if what is written is accurate, and it turns out it is. They check a few more and find out that those notes are accurate too. Patients get triaged and treated faster, and there is a high survival rate.

Some tentative arcs:

Mel having to treat a child with extra needs whose father dismisses his child and Mel (who he sees as both a woman and as someone 'odd' like his kid), and the father doesn't think the injury to his child is that bad (it is), and all of this while she's dealing with her own flashbacks of the last MCI - themes of what it looks like to be a good doctor

Whitaker stepping up when no one else is around and saving the patient on his own based on his own gut, bonus points if it's an older man with a heart condition - themes of learning from your past

Collins is deciding whether to try for IVF again, and sees a woman come in with serious lower abdomen injuries and is having doubts

Doug comes back from being on the same train, and the staff have to treat him and he apologises and makes a statement to police about how he punched Dana and is then arrested and charged (my own personal wish fulfilment)

Santos is treating a patient where she ignores the sticky note instructions and what the patient is saying, and instead goes off her gut, but nothing she does helps, the treatment keeps failing - themes of sometimes you're just not good enough and sometimes experience is worth something and you need to listen to your patients

Mohan is reluctant to work with either Abbott or Walsh and avoids them the whole time due to the pressure she was put under to choose last time and the stakes with that choice, and she eventually has a patient that appears low-stakes but she makes a choice that saves the person's life (because it was more serious than she thought) and she is told she has good instincts and lots of empathy and is kissed on both cheeks by everyone she meets <3 - themes of standing your ground and trusting your own instincts (which she is very good at anyway)

Javadi tells her mum that she doesn't want to end up like her, and that her mum is cold and unfeeling and pushy (personal headcanon) and they need to do better with each other, and one of the paramedics notices her and is super attractive and they have a little MCI-flirtfest going on because she's valued for her incredible brain and her empathy and her courage (and she's given up on Mateo but they remain good friends)

Slightly related but Javadi's mother has a patient whose mother is extremely pushy about her treatment, and she realises what she's doing to her own daughter

McKay ends up having to treat her dad, who was on an outing with Harrison, and they start worrying where Harrison is and she has to put that aside to treat other patients, and Robby has to walk her through it (and there's tension between them after what happened during the last MCI and how no one deliberately caused this one)

Robby is Back but it still feels wobbly and everyone keeps side-eyeing him and he worries that he's being pitied and not listened to/doubted because of it, and it makes him angry and frustrated and slightly short-tempered - themes of sometimes people's perception of you changes and there's nothing you can do about it, and it's not always healthy to wish the impetus for that change never happened or to pretend it never did

Dana is an absolute boss, love her so much, she spends the whole time kicking ass

Abbott keeps trying to chase Mohan down because he can see her potential, and he and Walsh end up in a screaming match in the middle of the ER (he is practical, she is by-the-book, they are neglecting their patients by screaming!) and the security staff have to break them apart - themes of 'doctors are not gods' (in the sense that they know what is Right and everyone else is Wrong)

Shen drinks 8 dunkin donuts coffees and spends the entire time ducking in and out of the bathroom between patients but miraculously makes it each time to save the patient in a calm and slightly-amused fashion

Then the notes start to come with blood-stained fingerprints on them, and smears at the edges. They're asking all the paramedics who it is writing the notes, but none of them can answer because they've all been running around trying to help, and the patients are put in a line for them to pick up, and there's heaps of people running between patients at the scene.

Robby texts Langdon again asking where he is, and receives a garbled response. Autocorrect, says Dana, and they look at each other, trying to hide their growing frustration and the small inkling of concern.

It's Santos that realises it's Langdon's writing on the notes, and Robby is desperately trying to call Langdon to find out what's going on, and now they're directing paramedics to find him (and giving them an actual description of what he looks like), and the patient influx is slowly coming to an end but they still haven't heard back, and for a whole minute there's dead silence in the ER until the wail of a siren, and Robby is rushing out to the ambulance bay and pulling on a clean gown and flinging open the doors of the ambulance, and Langdon is barely conscious in the back, and the paramedics are saying something about how he just went down like a house of cards once we brought the last patient in, and Robby gets up on the step and freezes for a moment because Langdon is sheet-white and there's blood coming from somewhere, and Langdon's head rolls on the bed to look up at him and says sorry I'm late, and passes out.

etc etc.

And basically throughout there's themes of trust and penance and desperately trying and pedestals and what it looks like to get better (on all their parts, especially after the trauma from the last MCI) and how getting better and healing isn't always linear.

Sorry, that was a lot!!

[finalterms]

everyone joking about Langdon exhibiting signs of adhd nobody discussing the way that this is inherently tied to the later reveal of his addiction. like idk I just think it was a very fascinating choice to introduce us to Langdon as high energy and impulsive and fidgety, and then later completely recontextualize that under the lens of his addiction, bc the thing is that for me That was the moment where I was like oh yeah no he has adhd. bc I’ve lived with that endless restless energy and the hamster wheel of thoughts that just never really stops as your brain desperately tries to find something rewarding enough to pay attention to, and it drove me up the wall so badly I’d stop sleeping so I didn’t have the energy for it. and while Langdon has probably been managing it thus far by just funneling himself through a series of high stress environments that demand enough of his mind to keep it from eating itself alive, he can’t be in the ER all day. and it’s those moments in between, where he had to be alone with his thoughts, that I’d bet you money the benzos helped with.

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Langdon immediately clocking that Mel would just love meticulously picking out gravel from an open wound. We love to see adhd game recognizing autistic game

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High grades low bmi

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tips that aren't the same list from 2006

you know exactly what dumbass list I mean, and none of that shit is practical, it's giving uwu ana butterfly and we all know it

hi, I'm angel, I'm a nutrition major, and here are tips to keep yourself safe and hide your eating habits that actually make sense. this will not be in any particular order, but

avoid ketosis. i know, i know, you heard it burns fat faster! it also makes you smell like a dog rolled in sharpies and makes you stupid. i'm not kidding, you will be slow as fuck. avoid keto at all costs, carbs are better and healthier than being caught and dumb

take electrolytes and pay close attention to your potassium intake. if you neglect this, you will damage your heart and muscles and run the risk of having a heart attack. i use liquid IV because I have POTS and need the extra sodium, but that brand is also good for ED-havers because it has extra b vitamins

take ultra strength prenatal vitamins. they contain extra folate, fish oil, and dha, all of which are necessary to protect your heart and brain when you're not intaking much food.

For other supplements, I recommend Metamucil to keep your bowels going, iron, vitamin c packets (will make the iron absorb better, I personally use the +immunity ones), b-complex, calcium-magnesium-zinc, and vitamin d. Make sure the b-complex contains b-12. Feel free to send me an ask or dm me for dosages because some of these will depend on where you live geographically or what food you are eating.

find a protein shake you like. I'm a muscle milk bitch personally, but fairlife, premier, etc, are all good. make sure it isn't a meal replacement shake, and make sure it contains at least 20g of protein. these contain vitamins beyond protein that will help you stay healthy. the protein will also keep you full. i recommend using it as milk in coffee because the coffee will also suppress hunger and act as a mild laxative without harming the bowels. don't take your iron along with this, as dairy will hinder the absorption of iron.

don't take laxatives. you're going to give yourself IBD. maybe once a month as an extra cleanout you can do a little miralax, but the natural route is always better. regularly drink coffee and drink specifically senna green tea, they're both natural laxatives. the metamucil i recommend will also keep you going. if you need a bigger laxative effect, blend a whole peeled and seeded orange, a few inches of peeled fresh ginger, juice from a whole lemon, add a tsp each of cracked black pepper and turmeric, blend with coconut water until it's a thin smoothie consistency. drink that, you'll be good.

the best thing you can do for yourself is hide your behaviors behind health food gym girlie orthorexic behaviors. nobody takes orthorexia seriously and they encourage those behaviors. you can cut out whatever the hell you want if you're crunchy and healthy about it.

don't go too crazy about it. old tips would tell you to act like you loved food and it's really obvious. being obsessed with food and cooking is weird and obvious. don't talk about food constantly and make it your whole personality to try to hide, it's bizarre and one of the signs they tell parents to look out for. you have to be nonchalant. food is whatever. you like it, you have favorite meals, but you get tired of tastes quickly, you're picky about textures, you don't like it once it gets cold, etc. it's just fuel and it's meaningless to you. you eat for your health, not for pleasure.

high impact workouts like HIIT and running may not be the best idea. some studies show that high impact exercise stimulates hunger hormones in some individuals. pilates, ballet, and yoga are low impact, high results, and give a very desirable aesthetic. they're also quiet and can be done with a yoga mat and maybe a theraband.

get a job. get a hobby. join a sport. being out of your house as much as possible gives you the largest opportunity for excuses. oh my job catered lunch, oh there were snacks at practice, oh so and so brought something to the knitting circle. this can also be an opportunity to earn or save money (or swindle your mom out of cash by obtaining money for concessions at games and then only getting a diet coke)

if you control your own food, maximize your nutrition. salmon, tuna, sardines. kale, chard, spinach. beans, lentils. berries. protein pasta. pasture raised eggs. the fancy filtered fairlife milk. your body will hold out so much longer if you're keeping it fueled with proper vitamins and minerals.

track your food using cronometer - if someone sees it on your phone and asks, you have a perfect built-in excuse. oh, you don't care about the calories, but it tracks vitamin and mineral intake, and you're trying to make sure you're getting enough of those because you have, say, an iron deficiency or you're worried you're not getting enough omega-3s.

anorexic hair is really obvious. it's from malnutrition and stress. absolutely ensure you're getting enough omega-3s and other fats in your diet (avocados, eggs, oily fish, nuts like walnuts) to avoid the anorexia hair and the sallow, dry skin. this is also why i insist you take vitamin d, iron, vitamin c, a b-complex, and a pre-natal with folate and dha, those will also protect your hair and skin health. also make sure you're trimming dead ends, get a deep conditioner and/or bond repair treatment, do scalp massages, and if it does fall out, start using a mousse for volume and get a cut to maximize volume to hide it.

keep up your oral, skin, and nail health, too. these can also be obvious indicators. if you're taking the vitamins and keeping to the foods i'm recommending, it'll help, but make sure you're brushing and flossing, use the nasty brown listerine, a good dry skin lotion like curel, and a nail oil. keep your nails short if they start peeling, but if they're peeling, you need to take more vitamin d and iron, or you could have celiac disease.

there's no such thing as a broken metabolism, and you can't boost or slow down your metabolism. those are myths. the only way to make your bmr higher is to have more muscle.

extra tip: if you start fainting, tell people you have or think you have POTS. work smarter not harder.

[finalterms]

I learned how to be quiet about pain when I was very young. I learned how to fold in on myself like laundry, to take up less space in the cupboard. I learned how to keep the peace around me by sweeping the dirt under my own rug.

I have been taught that expressing my less favourable emotions is just complaining—something weak people do when they're too incompetent to solve their own problems.

Incompetent. Incompetent. This word is very important to me. Incompetent is the word I am always running from. To run from incompetency means to run from feeling dejected, feeling lost, feeling hurt. To run from incompetency is to run towards goodness. To run towards a me who knows all the answers and shoulders all the burdens and shrugs off all the pain.

Some days I am not very good at this race I am running. Days when the past lurches forward to bite my ankles, or days when the future looks back to scorn my present.

On these days I am weak. The poise slips. It's all too easy to cry a little and vent my fears. I forget that I am supposed to be keeping all of this shut away where no one else can see. I forget that I am not supposed to be dragged down by these feelings in the first place.

Today I feigned nonchalance and I feigned it well. No one noticed that I was hurt by the thing that happened, and sitting alone in all my hurt, I was bitterly gratified. I had fulfilled the proper narrative of an animal who is injured and returns to its cave to lick its wounds only in private.

But there is a desperation for the hidden pain to be noticed. This is the Achilles' Heel of the whole stealth operation; it threatens the little play I have constructed in which I suffer alone and inconvenience no one and am all the stronger for it.

Today I stood upright to talk to my mother and doubled over in pain the moment she left the room. It is satisfying, knowing I did the valiant and honourable thing of keeping the damn pain to myself. It is infuriating, the way my eyes flickered to the door in the dark and private hope that she would come back in and witness me while I was down.

I want to be strong and hide all the hard things away. I want someone to see my efforts to hide all the hard things away and realise I'm strong. I want to bring to life this character I have created who suffers without complaint and is loved when the truth is revealed. Who suffers well.

This is the person who stores up agony to a breaking point, to justify the ultimate snapping of composure. This is the person who wants to be depended on relentlessly and one-sidedly, so that someone someday might notice the unfairness of it all. This is the person who virtuously and righteously take all the hits without a sound, so that when they finally, inevitably break, their pain will come to light all at once and inspire awe and guilt in equal measure.

Who am I, really? Is it terrible to want to play this character? Perhaps some old wound craves acknowledgement and understanding and doesn't know how else to ask for it except by hiding until it festers.

Strength. Competency. Resilience. Dependability. Independence. They have all become synonyms in my black and white dictionary. They have all become straws for the drowning man.

I self-impose silence. I take pleasure in denial and secrecy. I take pride in successfully keeping a problem to myself.

Pride. That's another important word. I think I have too much of it, although it pains me when others point it out. Pride implies I think highly of myself, which is something a good person should never do. Pride is so audaciously self-absorbed, so high-and-mighty, so filthy with ego. There's probably a lot of it in this damn thing I've written.

Pride is the other thing that keeps my mouth shut. The thing that says I should be austere, untouchable, immovable. Pride is the thing that says look here, you don't have a lot going for you so you better keep this mask on right if you want to be good. If you want to be admired.

These terrible things keep me safe. I can't let go of that stupidly noble character or that cowardly pride. I need them to shield me from the reality that I am emotional, not all that put together, and honestly hopeless most of the time.

I need to have something worth liking about myself. I need to have a grit that makes me undeniably good. I need to have a strength that goes unsung, that lies in wait of discovery.

What an exhausting way to live. But it's the only way I know.

[finalterms]

I learned how to be quiet about pain when I was very young. I learned how to fold in on myself like laundry, to take up less space in the cupboard. I learned how to keep the peace around me by sweeping the dirt under my own rug.

I have been taught that expressing my less favourable emotions is just complaining—something weak people do when they're too incompetent to solve their own problems.

Incompetent. Incompetent. This word is very important to me. Incompetent is the word I am always running from. To run from incompetency means to run from feeling dejected, feeling lost, feeling hurt. To run from incompetency is to run towards goodness. To run towards a me who knows all the answers and shoulders all the burdens and shrugs off all the pain.

Some days I am not very good at this race I am running. Days when the past lurches forward to bite my ankles, or days when the future looks back to scorn my present.

On these days I am weak. The poise slips. It's all too easy to cry a little and vent my fears. I forget that I am supposed to be keeping all of this shut away where no one else can see. I forget that I am not supposed to be dragged down by these feelings in the first place.

Today I feigned nonchalance and I feigned it well. No one noticed that I was hurt by the thing that happened, and sitting alone in all my hurt, I was bitterly gratified. I had fulfilled the proper narrative of an animal who is injured and returns to its cave to lick its wounds only in private.

But there is a desperation for the hidden pain to be noticed. This is the Achilles' Heel of the whole stealth operation; it threatens the little play I have constructed in which I suffer alone and inconvenience no one and am all the stronger for it.

Today I stood upright to talk to my mother and doubled over in pain the moment she left the room. It is satisfying, knowing I did the valiant and honourable thing of keeping the damn pain to myself. It is infuriating, the way my eyes flickered to the door in the dark and private hope that she would come back in and witness me while I was down.

I want to be strong and hide all the hard things away. I want someone to see my efforts to hide all the hard things away and realise I'm strong. I want to bring to life this character I have created who suffers without complaint and is loved when the truth is revealed. Who suffers well.

This is the person who stores up agony to a breaking point, to justify the ultimate snapping of composure. This is the person who wants to be depended on relentlessly and one-sidedly, so that someone someday might notice the unfairness of it all. This is the person who virtuously and righteously take all the hits without a sound, so that when they finally, inevitably break, their pain will come to light all at once and inspire awe and guilt in equal measure.

Who am I, really? Is it terrible to want to play this character? Perhaps some old wound craves acknowledgement and understanding and doesn't know how else to ask for it except by hiding until it festers.

Strength. Competency. Resilience. Dependability. Independence. They have all become synonyms in my black and white dictionary. They have all become straws for the drowning man.

I self-impose silence. I take pleasure in denial and secrecy. I take pride in successfully keeping a problem to myself.

Pride. That's another important word. I think I have too much of it, although it pains me when others point it out. Pride implies I think highly of myself, which is something a good person should never do. Pride is so audaciously self-absorbed, so high-and-mighty, so filthy with ego. There's probably a lot of it in this damn thing I've written.

Pride is the other thing that keeps my mouth shut. The thing that says I should be austere, untouchable, immovable. Pride is the thing that says look here, you don't have a lot going for you so you better keep this mask on right if you want to be good. If you want to be admired.

These terrible things keep me safe. I can't let go of that stupidly noble character or that cowardly pride. I need them to shield me from the reality that I am emotional, not all that put together, and honestly hopeless most of the time.

I need to have something worth liking about myself. I need to have a grit that makes me undeniably good. I need to have a strength that goes unsung, that lies in wait of discovery.

What an exhausting way to live. But it's the only way I know.

[finalterms]

10 days in corporate india. Evrything is a fucking scam