findingmylostbirb

[findingmylostbirb]

[First Mission] Entry #25

Boots on grounds first mission.. being in Isreal. What a way to start. Sigh. I’ve been through a lot, from the toughness of the military and the wide range of mishaps with a few girls that surprisingly took interest in me.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Selfish] Entry #24

someday, part of me wishes you’ll regret not hearing from me for awhile, regret that someone’s and something’s missing.

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[Roads ahead] Entry #23

An empty road

Even after surviving through bootcamp that had given me the worst PTSD, I cant help but feel both accomplished yet in such turmoil. Accomplished as I'm now confident and able to look straight forward without flinching. I've broken down so much that it had crafted me into someone I never thought I'd be. Yet at the same time.. at what cost? What's the point now? I can see why they teach us about suicide in the military, because it's a lot more common than one may think. I really feel like offing myself sometimes cause how badly I've been bleeding on the inside because of everyone.

I don't even know where to start with how emotionally broken I feel. I want to scream but I'm suffering in silence. But I guess this is the only place I can dump this. Someday if you're reading this.. maybe I'll be in a better place or maybe not.

Let's start with family.. I love them so much but mom.. why do you talk behind my back? I know you want me to help out the family with finances.. but do you know how much you've put me through? You couldn't at least help me take care of the loan while I was away from bootcamp. I got the loan to help you if you agreed, but no. You backed out from the deal and now I'm in a major debt because I couldn't pay while i was gone... yet you continue to ask for money? I know you both are struggling paying bills but really? You think I'm making bank here?! You DO realize security paid me more than here, I JUST started so of course it sucks. Why cant you understand when I said I really cant. I feel bad for my brother, having to defend me.. mom I owe him too you know? A great amount, I cant pay him either. Part of me is glad to leave otherwise it would never end, I need to spread my wings, but I'm continuously being clipped, please stop..

(Continue to edit later)

[findingmylostbirb]

[No Turning Back] Entry #22

This is it.. it’s finally happening. It should be my final entry for awhile but it may be for the best. There’s a lot of things in the previous posts that received a change in perspective, but there’s still a handful of things that I want to hold onto. 

This entry is more of a reminder to myself and I suppose others can read it if necessary.

Even though I will be walking into the military with an empty lonely heart and mind with a lot of questions unanswered, even though she doesn’t know how much I tear up each night, even though I know for a fact I won’t be in her thoughts as much as I have her on my mind, even though she doesn’t know the grand level of how I ended up here was because it’s for her, even though a handful of people had told me that I should have self respect and to not pursue.. I have no intention of changing my course. I’ve chose Lunatic + to get the true ending of this story, and I’m going to stick with it, because all these years together means the world to me and I plan.. I plan to see it through it all.

I say this so many times, but I don’t think she would ever be able to see how much she means to me, and I hope someday she does. Not just hearing those 3 sacred words, but the willingness to accept the worst and best in me.

It hurts each day not knowing how everything could turn out, but the last visits had given me a bit of hope. In my mind I hope you prove me both right and wrong. Right that you truly are the person to be by my side, and wrong that I’ve ever doubted you and myself.

I can’t turn back, I won’t turn back. I won’t turn back to the life of restrictions, I want us to bloom into something incredible, with freedom and eternal love. I really want you to hold that candle out for me, because the moment it burns out, so will I.

I do hope you find what you need in grad school, because ill be rooting for you.

One thing I was afraid to disclose to you is that.. you literally will determine my path in life. If I no longer have the will to fight, then I might as well give my life to the greater good and sign up for the SpecOps.. to be in the forefront of war conflict. The candle going out would represent me being trapped in the dark with no way to come back home.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Unnecessary] Entry #21

I prefer to be told than to find out. I've said it a lot of times with people in general. I see no point in lying or hiding things from me.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Replacement] Entry #20

Before I start pointing fingers, these are not facts.. but can you honestly blame me for thinking this way? Can you blame me for having no one to talk to through the lonely days as these thoughts start to build up in my mind? No one is there to reassure that everything will be alright and all I can think of is nothing but deception.

 I just feel like there’s a lot I don’t know. On one hand you’re probably not hiding anything from me, but on the flip side I just feel like I’m not knowing the entire story. I just have a gut feeling that you have someone to talk to about your inner stuff that we always had talked about.

Again I don’t care or give a damn if you have someone neutral to talk about, but when I start thinking how you could comfortably talk to someone about your dreams, thoughts, fetishes, rants.. the thought of it really hurts.

And what would happen if i was gone for awhile? would things get worse? I don’t want you to lose your feelings for me, as well as for me to lose feelings for you.

By now you’re probably tired of all these posts, but I can’t help it. THERE’S NO ONE AROUND.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Annoyance] Entry #19

It makes me sad knowing I'm annoying to you. It's just such an odd culture shock to me, I hope deep down the heart will grow fonder while were both away.

It's just.. hard to grasp sometimes, I know I can be a nuisance.. but not once have I ever felt that way for you. If I was busy or even concentrated on something, not once have I thought you were a burden. I'd put my controller down, stop what I'm doing on the computer and put a 100% towards you.

What upsets me the most is that I'm making you feel uncomfortable. Me.. making you uncomfortable? Me being myself.. I just don't know anymore. How can I be myself? How will I know the lack of affection would mend and not push us further?

I can't even be myself anymore. I can't share my passion of gaming with you since you're busy or dont even want to try new games.. even though I'm always open to new things and even support your passion.. it hurts.

I can't take this anymore. On the outside I seem fine I'm internally bleeding, just waiting to die.

Uggh. I hate myself.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Strange Letter] Entry #18

So my mother found a random letter in front of the door addressed to me.

Strangely, this letter had shown my name, my involvement with the navy and to top it off.. calling me sweetie and such. It also included a imgur link on it.

My mom thought it was from my love interest, so she left it in my room for me to look at later.

I'm still quite clueless as to who this person is. My love interest told me she did not send it, so who could it be?

I have no affiliation or know any person revolving around coffee breaks and sweet exchanges.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Interests] Entry #17

You know the world is quite fascinating sometimes.

It's quite unfortunate to see yourself keeping a convo up with someone on a topic you don't have an interest in, yet when it's your turn to share your enthusiasm.. you don't get much of a response from it.

Now.. I understand everyone is different, it's just sometimes sad not receiving the same kinetic vibe as they were feeling.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Selfish] Entry #16

Is it bad that I want to be selfish for once?

We've both have things going on in life yet.. I feel like even the smallest things have gotten slightly trivial when it shouldn't.

I don't want you to see this as nitpicking or I'm blaming you, but the smallest things are starting to hurt me more than it should.

I guess I just miss being the man who you look forward talking to, the first person you actually talk to at the beginning of the day. Yeah I know you check messages and stuff, it's not a big deal, but it's just a vibe I'm getting.

I love it when your passionate about your projects, I'm also happy to be a part of it.. but the truth is that I can't stop you from what drives that passion. I only want to support it and see you smile, I stay reserved because I don't want you to apologize, cause I'm legit happy for you. It just disheartens me cause I can't be there physically to help. If that's all you want to talk about, then I have no problem with it. But can you at least give me the same attention about the stuff I talk about to you? I know I'm a very boring person constantly parroting crap.. again, all the things I'm saying here dear is not meant to be mean spirited, it's mellow as always. But I have no right to complain as your honestly is something I really value.

I do hope you'll share your enthusiasm with me for my passion. You know my passion is creativity and of course gaming... you know I enjoy playing with you no matter how stressful it is, cause I prefer to rage and laugh together. I understand you want some time alone, it just slightly bums me out but again I naturally can't blame you given your circumstance. I will admit when I try to invite you to try other games or even OW and get brushed off for AI skirmishes.. kinda hurts. Though incase you haven't noticed from all these years, my other passion is to watch you try new games.. and yeah.. I just never wanted you to see them as chores. Its just an odd mix of pulling and supporting your passion, while my passion is shoved away.

I still can't get over you being too reserved. I missed it when you tell me your pleasures or when you're in the mood, I obviously can't be the only one. You know we love that stuff even when we go on dates. Surprises and even you telling without me asking is delightful.

I'm starting to even question myself if I'm really an unlikable person, if it's all on purpose or unintentional. These questions always emerges when you only got yourself to talk to.

I can't emphasis how little time we have, how I could address it to you without making it sound like a chore or something you are forced to do, is it so much to ask?

This pain is only growing and I have more questions than answers even though I've been given them.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Bail] Entry #15

As each day passes by when I talk to you, it relieves me knowing you’re starting to gain more confidence in me. This is the emotion that I’ve been looking for.. it means a lot to me.

It means the world knowing if everything around you is slowly falling a part, I can catch you in your time of need.

Now all I need is one more thing for you to believe in me as these words come out of my mouth: “I will break you out of this cage and destroy those chains that had been binding you down.”

Think of it as your knight in shining armor finally rescuing you, the heroic soldier that will bust you out of enemy lines, or..

The Drifter that’s been searching each timeline for that birb.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Bad Hunch] Entry #14

First I must say I’m sorry if a lot of topics are practically the same, since these thoughts keep coming back.. it’s really hard to compress them and it must vent out.

Anyways.. I don’t know why everything seems so off today. It’s like an unshakable feeling that I can’t let go of. Something uncomfortable, some kind of caution, yet.. I don’t know what’s ringing these bells. I feel like something’s in danger, or something that needs to be attended to immediately.. but where?

I mean I’ve already had a certain level of it but it’s amplified to the max. Uggh, I hope I’m just worrying over nothing but it’s something impending..

[findingmylostbirb]

[Being missed] Entry #13

Sometimes I ponder about my self worth. Would I be missed while I’m gone? Would family miss me? Would friends miss me? Would you miss me?

I guess it’s tough for me to wrap my head around.. considering they’re aware of my departure. The thought of being taken for granted always comes to mind ever so often. Others smile and do other things with other focuses on their life, even if though I’ve been giving them my best attention.

I’m going to be going through a lot in bootcamp, hell throughout my military career. I just hope.. this is all worth it, for bettering myself and our future.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Fighting Chance] Entry #12

The more I sink into the darkness, the more I question a lot of things. It’s frustrating me that I can’t talk to anyone about this.

I was told that I was to be given a fighting chance yet.. why do I feel like it’s not even a chance to redeem myself? If keeping your options open for anyone.. why must it hurt?

The more I think about these things, the more I start to really be cynical. Why does this always happen? When I give friends or someone I have an interest in.. i feel like I’m simply thrown away or used. Granted I know I wasn’t used, yet.. feeding confidence and support does mend and help people get better/stronger. Then once they’re strong they utilize that confidence to expand else where.. slowly being left behind.

Maybe I wasn’t needed at all, maybe I’m just destined to be used or a stepping stone. Uggh, I hate myself.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Navy] Entry #11

A long time ago, I've been fascinated by joining the military. Mainly from all my inspired friends and benefits that's life changing. I've been stopped multiple times from friends and especially that special someone. I couldn't blame them, they cared about my well being and don't want me killed.

Honestly after asking her firmly if I should join, she disapproved and respectfully didn't join because I treasured my time with her.

But times have pushed me through this path, and how do I feel now? Excited and scared.. Honestly I didn't even want to, it's just surreal I'm going to be deployed in a few months.

Without the loving support.. Its.. tough. I have doubts I can make it.. i no longer feel invincible. If she was by my side I could topple anything without any questions. However part of me does feel confident and hopeful for the long path towards a better future.. but knowing nothing could be at the end of it all would be the cruelest thing. How can I be inspired knowing that? It's no different from going through college and grad school knowing it's a dead end job, it just makes you miserable.

When I was choosing my occupation at MEPs they asked if I was interested in the special ops, much like the navy seals and stuff. Ya know.. the bad asses that goes in first for special operations with highly stressed training. I told the person to give me 5 minutes to think about it. If I joined, I would've been more involved with combat.. with higher chances of death or dismemberment. But then I thought again about her.. How I promise I wouldn't put myself in any harm.. At the same time i hate myself and want to repent.

After some time I did decline.. but it was a high consideration.. I just hope she someday knows that I thought about her even if it was my fate.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Ballad]Entry #10

Seeing you for the first time in awhile made my heart flutter, being able to kiss and to hold you in my arms was like a dream. Being with you had brought me so much joy that I couldn't even express.

Talking about the future with you was so exciting and beautiful, it's in fact inspiring to aim for a lifestyle we would love.

Alas, though this dream was too good to be true. I understand you want to wait until after grad school, but it hurts so much.

Talking about the future is still not guaranteed but it's my dream to make it come true and I'm being hopeful I can share this with you..

I want a home to return to, someone who will welcome me back with open arms. It would give me a reason not to die from services.

[findingmylostbirb]

[Fighting Loneliness] Entry # 9

Back as a drifter in high school, I was always used to being alone. Always have done things on my own, had my peace of mind and frankly I’ve became hollow to being attached to people. It was generally a hermit life that I’ve gotten accustomed to. 

However, overtime being a drifter started to take a toll on me. As I got older, meeting new people or even catching up to old friends started to become more difficult and part of me felt like I’ve taken a lot of things for granted. Being alone slowly drove me insane. I’ve helped so many people, never really asked for help or kept them company from time to time.. but when I truly needed it, no one was there to lift the emotional void, the world continued to crush me because no one was truly there.

After seeing so many friends move on, getting married, hooking up, hanging out on a daily basis, family.. all that stuff made me sad. I’ve realized I’ve yearned for a lot of that. My good friends who I’ve always referred to them as guildies were my family.

But good things had come to an end when everyone moved on in life and become separated. I fell again into depression knowing I can’t give them a call or would barely have time to bond with them. Even after being taken by an animation team, I still felt like I was doing things so aimlessly.

The depression was starting to grip me into wanting to just silence everything... permanently. Family, finances, loneliness and everything else started to take a hold of me, I just.. didn’t want to live anymore.

Until a special someone appeared in my life, and brightened up everything. My world views suddenly changed into a whole new perspective. I wanted to return all my appreciation to this person with my affections and faithfulness.

Though even in such a beautiful relationship, the loneliness feelings still crept in every now and then. Not the fact I wasn’t feeling loved, but the fact that I miss having comrades and still the uncertainty of my future’s purpose. There was so much that was going on behind the scenes that I haven’t disclosed yet, because I didn’t want her to worry, on top of me always worrying about ‘our’ situation. I wanted to tell her that I was right by her side, she wasn’t facing it alone. There’s just some things you can’t explain in words or actions.. I guess I’m just a fool

I hate to beat the same bush constantly, but it keeps coming back. This lingering feeling.. It’s getting stronger each day and it won’t go away until it has resolve. It’s hard to talk about the same topic when the other person either doesn’t want to or even yourself is tired lingering about it. So it just stabs me each day, I can’t yell or talk to anyone about it because there’s no one except for that person.

Here I am.. sitting in the dark with a monitor illuminating the room with it’s only light source, not being able to sleep. It’s heart aching knowing I’m not on someone’s mind, missing that feeling of expecting a call to mend the nightmares, to wake me up from all the fears and concerns of the world. I guess sometimes still wish I was more valuable than a video game or in general. It’s quite interesting, I always thought I was the guy who would never put the controller down to give my full attention to someone, but it turns out as much as I love my passion.. I can’t let myself do that, my priorities are always on that person.

Guess I’m truly an old fool, I’m not fooling anyone but myself to know that I was something special.

Each day it hurts, and I can’t express it.