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finnsdameronss · 8 days ago

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We’ve Been Lonely Too Long

A rebelcaptain fix it fic for @andorerso ‘s event

Day 2: how they confess feelings

WC: 2600

Warnings/tags: descriptions of ptsd, hurt/comfort, little spoon Cassian

Read On AO3

That day would always be hazy in Jyn’s memory. Like the ringing in your ears after a bomb goes off, swallowing up your senses and replacing them with chaos. Haunted by the all too near echoes of the metallic clash of blaster fire on armor, of agonized cries and waves crashing. When she breathed deep, she could still detect traces of burnt flesh and salt air. Her tongue tasted faintly of blood mixed with the sea, like a coastal gust had settled in the deep part of her throat. If she opened her mouth to scream, she was certain it wouldn’t be her voice that came out, but the winds of Scarif.

The exposed bits of her forearms were still dotted with sand, stuck on with a combination of blood, sweat, and grime. A familiar second skin that she couldn’t bear the thought of being rid of just yet.

She tried to recall the comrades that she led into certain death, but something kept her from the agony of seeing their lifeless eyes on repeat. Instead it’s all covered in the bright green beam of the Death Star, slowly draining her memories of any other color.

Shock is too weak a word for what she was feeling, too mild for the survivor’s guilt that was already tying itself into a noose that would haunt her dreams for the rest of her days.

The debriefs and meetings she was whisked away into the second they touched ground on Yavin were equally hazy. No time to grieve. No time to process.

That wasn’t fair, though. Not really. Because she had been sitting on her freshly made bed in her newly assigned quarters for almost an hour, and she hadn’t moved a muscle, hadn’t attempted to unpack any of the loss circling her chest like a whirlpool. She was afraid if she dipped a toe in, she would get pulled out of herself completely, disconnected from the fraying tether fighting like hell to keep her mind and body together as one fragile piece.

There was still blood on her hands, her cheeks, streaked through her hair. Some hers, some Cassian’s.

Cassian.

There was so much Jyn wanted to say to him. So much that had already been imparted through glances and touches. They had come to terms with death, wound tightly around each other, before they were ripped away from another collapsing horizon on the last rebel ship skating the beach in hopes of any survivors.

She didn’t feel like a survivor. She felt like a ghost, hollowed of the things that made her who she was. Maybe in time, that emptiness could be filled with other things, other people, a new hope, but for now, she decided to air out the wound.

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she let out a gasping sob that shook her shoulders. Jyn didn’t try to stifle the noise. She wailed for all that she had lost. The myth of her father, the giant that was Saw, bright eyed Bodhi. For so long she had kept herself from crumbling, but when the foundation is ripped from your feet, what other choice do you have?

When the watershed had slowed to a trickle, Jyn drew in shaky breaths to try to steady herself once more. Allowing herself one good cry would have to suffice for now. Stars, it was late. Her head was beginning to throb along with everything else.

She had just about mustered the courage to rise and wash herself when there was a knock at her door, no louder than a whisper. For a moment she thought she imagined it. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand and loosened her blood crusted bangs from the wetness of her cheeks before taking a few unsteady steps towards the door.

Cassian stood on the other side, freshly showered, though his eyes betrayed him. They would forever be colored by what they lost that day. He opened his mouth as if to speak, inhaling a breath that hitched in his throat.

Jyn couldn’t find the words either, settled instead for reaching for his forearm and sliding her hand down to his own, which he took quickly. She gently led him through the threshold of the door as it slid closed behind him, safely encasing them in the walls of her room.

“I was just about to wash up,” she explained awkwardly, finally breaking the heavy silence like a safely chosen small stone dropped into the surface of the water.

“I don’t care,” he said like a dam breaking, pulling her into his embrace and tangling his hands in her grimy hair. Jyn clung tightly to him, clawing at the surface of his shirt and inevitably staining it. She had stained a lot of things beyond repair this week.

Though she had already allowed herself a good cry, tears welled up again as they held each other like they did huddled down on the beach, certain that they only had moments more together. Despite the fact that they had made it through the day, it felt like the clock was still ticking on their time together. The fight hadn’t just begun, it had been waged the sum of their whole lives, but now it was entering a new level that they were both unfamiliar with.

Cassian’s hold on her strained, and he let out a pained grunt. Jyn quickly pulled back and cupped his shoulders lightly.

“Your back,” she intoned with regret.

“It’s fine. They shot some bacta into it. Just stiff now.”

He took in the sight of her with all her defenses down. Wildly brave and defiant, but still full of the love and care that made for a great leader.

There was a gentleness in his gaze one wouldn’t expect from a high ranking spy with a kill count like his. Jyn had seen over the course of their missions that he was weary. His humanity was being stretched paper thin, already torn at the edges, still he clung to the tender parts of himself, refusing to turn his back to them, sometimes to the detriment of the cause at hand. She heard it in the way he spoke to her, in the way he spoke of others, in the sum of his decisions always leading to the fewest casualties if he had any control over it.

“You did well today,” he said softly, bringing the back of his hand to her cheek in a featherlight touch. Tears were tracking slowly down his own cheeks. Not a desperate cry, but one of relief, pain, and uncertainty about how to move on.

Jyn swallowed hard as she tried to parse the part of him that was speaking to her. Was it Cassian the Captain, Cassian the friend, Cassian the apologetic who had tried to kill her father and still wanted to make it up to her, or another facet of him she thought was just developing. The Cassian who had kissed her so softly in the elevator. The tingle of her lips was one of the only things she felt through the crushing numbness. The Cassian who had taken her hand on the beach. The Cassian who had clung to her when the sky had burned white with the threat of infinite nothingness. A Cassian who could love her? If not now, maybe someday?

Jyn quickly banished the thought. Surely when he looked at her, he saw K2’s fried circuitry, Melshi blown to bits, Tonc facedown in the sand. How could he ever look into eyes as green as hers and ever see anything but the death sentence of the Death Star beam? She felt herself begin to tremble again under the weight of his gaze.

“I’m so sorry more didn’t make it,” her voice broke as she wrenched herself from his grip and turned away from him, collapsing in on herself like the holy city. She felt like the Empire was reducing her to rubble day by day.

“Jyn,” Cassian whispered, placing a hand on her arm and trying to draw her back to him. “I don’t blame you for any of this. All of these people, all of them were soldiers. All of them knew the risks. All of them were willing to die for this chance. Just like you and me.”

“So why didn’t we?” Her words were bitter, angry.

Cassian shrugged, “Tomorrow, we take the next chance, and we do it for them. And the next one, and the next one, till our chances are spent,” one corner of his mouth turned up in the hint of a smile as he repeated her words back to her.

Jyn had no strength left to fight his gravity as he pulled her back to his chest. Cassian tucked her securely under his chin, pressed a lingering kiss to the top of her head, and Jyn refused to allow herself to get used to the weight of him in her arms and against her body. She tried to fight it, but her limbs were so tired that she began to melt against him.

They stood frozen in time. That seemed to happen a lot the past few days. Like the hands of the clock had pity on them, fighting to slow the moon’s rotation and allow them a moment to grieve.

Wordlessly, they fulfilled each other’s needs; Jyn’s, to be held by gentle hands; Cassian’s, to hold someone he cared for against his beating heart. To share warmth and breath and hope.

When Jyn eventually let out a shuddering sigh close to contentment, Cassian rubbed his hands up her back as if to wake her up. “Go wash up. Take your time. I’ll wait right here.”

Jyn’s eyes were blown wide, illuminated only by the soft light next to her unmade bed. Cassian walked to her dresser and pulled out a starchy set of standard issue sleepwear. “These are better once they’re worn in. Let me grab you a set of mine. Might be easier to sleep.”

Jyn nodded, struggling to anchor herself to this moment, this new reality. She perched on the edge of the desk by the window and began to shed some of her layers. Her boots, belt, vest, and gloves all piled into the floor to be dealt with another time. She reached back and pulled the tie out of her hair, wincing as it snagged and pulled out a number of bloodied strands.

Cassian came back in a moment later, having changed into his own sleep clothes with a pair of faded slippers on his feet. In his arms he carried a pair of pants and a shirt almost identical to the ones he had one and an extra blanket.

“Here,” he handed the bundle to Jyn, setting the blanket on the edge of her bed. “It can get cold in here.”

“Cassian,” she started.

He turned to her almost expectantly. For the first time, he seemed out of his element.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

His eyes softened and he flashed a shy smile.

“I’m just trying to repay you for everything.”

They shared a look that only people who had survived tragedy together could share, and Jyn disappeared behind the fresher door.

Cassian got to work dressing her bed. He tucked the sheets under the mattress with care and precision. He swapped the thin top sheet they provided everyone with for the thicker knit blanket he had taken from his own room. It was a cream and brown simple chevron pattern with a thicker down layer in the middle. When he finished, he sank down on the edge of her mattress, suddenly weighed down by the exertion of the day. His back ached violently and his limbs felt as if they could completely detach from his frame at any moment. Cassian allowed himself a moment to lie down, convinced he would force himself to rise when he heard the water cut off.

Jyn took the longest shower of her life, hoping if she stood long enough beneath the scalding stream, she could peel out of her skin and let it slip down the drain with the rest of the ash and blood, leaving no trace of Scarif on her surface. It was already spreading like a cancer inside of her. Attaching itself to her brain and heart and lungs, weighing her down with every breath, reaching its ice cold fingers farther with every beat of her heart.

After towel drying her hair as best as she could, she rubbed a clear spot in the middle of the mirror and tried to make sense of her reflection. Staring back at her was someone with hollow, reddened eyes and a permanent frown. The girl in the mirror looked exhausted, defeated, afraid. Had she always looked like this? Would she always feel this heavy?

Jyn looked at the faded pajamas on the edge of the sink, and her breath hitched once more. On the other side of the door waited a man who had stayed with her through the darkest days of her life since Lah’mu. Something made her think that he would’ve stayed with her then if he could. Cassian’s steady eyes and hands were seeping into those memories and filing down the sharp edges that had sliced her tender skin open for years. She pulled his shirt over her frame and almost sighed at the softness and the scent of him. The pants sat low on her hips and spilled over her feet, but she liked the feeling of being covered by someone else, so she kept them on. As her hand reached for the light switch, she couldn’t ignore the fluttering pound of her heart in her chest. Jyn took a few deep breaths before exiting the fresher.

The edges of her eyes and mouth softened even more at the sight of Cassian snoring softly on her bed. Jyn quickly weighed her options and almost decided to just sleep on the floor, before one final burst of boldness overtook her. She crossed the room with careful steps and nudged Cassian slightly towards the wall.

“Move,” she mumbled softly.

Cassian roused in a slight panic. “I’m sorry. I can leave, I—“

“Hush,” she instructed with no hint of harshness in her voice.

Cassian scooted in and kicked the cover down over his feet while Jyn sidled up behind him. She draped a firm arm over his waist and pressed her face tenderly into his back, ghosting a kiss over the broadness of it while being careful to not exacerbate the hurt any more.

Cassian tensed slightly at her presence and tried to stutter out another apology. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I can leave, really.”

“I want you to stay,” she said firmly and clearly.

Cassian winced as he rolled to his back and then once more to face Jyn. Her eyes were already closing, eyelashes heavy on the sharpness of her cheekbones.

“Are you sure?” He asked carefully, giving her one final out. The tensions of the day had surely clouded their judgment, though he knew deep down that his feelings were true. He had made his mind up about her on Jedha. When he saw her rush into a firefight to save a little girl and carry her to safety, he knew the kind of woman she was, and that only became increasingly clear over their time together.

Jyn leaned forward to catch his mouth in a firm kiss that softened at the end. They lay nose to nose, and she breathed a final sentiment against his lips, “I’m sure.”

#this is so beautiful!!!#made my morning #rebelcaptain #jyn x cassian #rcfixitweek

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