firstspectre

[firstspectre]

Kanan blinked a few times as he tried to focus on her. “I missed you,” he said, words slurring together. “Couldn’t… Couldn’ do it. Kept thinkin’ of you. Had too many- nah, not too many. Jus’ enough.” His face scrunched like he was thinking hard. “Room’s all spinny. Haven’ had a drink in… Long time.”

firstspectre:

It was surprisingly and painfully easy to fall into old habits. There was only one cantina in the area but it suited Kanan just fine. He had plenty of credits and before long the familiar buzz had settled over his mind and dulled everything down. And once he was sufficiently drunk, well, the next step was obvious. First Kanan tried his luck with the guy that had been sitting next to him. They’d talked on and off about things as Kanan let the alcohol set in and once Hera was pushed from his mind he made his move. At first things went pretty well. A little too well. When he asked for credits Kanan very nearly gave in. But he wasn’t quite that drunk. So the guy left him at the bar. Kanan eventually found himself leaving the cantina with a woman who very nearly was keeping him on his feet as they walked. He chattered at her about whatever came to mind and hardly noticed if she cared or not. They’d already kissed half a dozen times by the time they left the cantina and that was all either of them seemed to care about. It wasn’t entirely clear to Kanan how they got to her apartment or when they’d chosen that as their destination but clearly he was thinking enough not to try to take her back to the ship. As soon as they were in the door they were on each other again, kissing and grasping at each other’s clothes. He was only vaguely aware of his shirts getting tossed somewhere on the floor when they tumbled into bed. It wasn’t until Kanan had gotten most of her clothes off that he stopped short. She seemed to think he was going to be sick because she pushed him off and he hit the ground with a thump. He wasn’t sure if he said anything to her or not but suddenly he couldn’t ignore the ache in his chest. That wasn’t fair, the alcohol was supposed to have numbed that down. Somehow Kanan grabbed his clothes and stumbled from the apartment. The next thing he knew he was at Hera’s cabin door. His belt was undone so his pants hung low on his hips and he held his shirts in one hand. The shoulder armor had somehow gotten put back on and it clattered against the metal door as Kanan drunkenly pounded on it to get Hera’s attention.

She was going to kill him, she decided as she was woken up by the loud pounding on her door. That was almost enough for her to ignore the fact that for the first time in very nearly a year, she’d woken up alone. Forcing the rest of that thought aside, she rolled out of her bunk, padding over to the door. “Kanan, wh-” 

She hadn’t known what she was going to see when she opened the door, but an extremely disheveled Kanan was not even slightly on the list. Her gaze flitted over him, taking in his appearance, and she ignored the sliver of jealousy that threatened to show its ugly head. That was soon forgotten, however, as soon as the stench of alcohol flooded her senses. So he’d been drinking. And had probably gone home with someone. Great.

Shifting her weight onto one foot, she let herself look up at him, trying to come across as mostly indifferent to the sight before her. “Kanan.” she said finally. “What’s going on?” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan still looked a bit overwhelmed but he smiled. “Why go the easy way? It’s more satisfying to work for it,” he said with a wink.

firstspectre:

Kanan looked at her like she was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen. Which, to be fair, she pretty much was. He couldn’t put into words how much that meant to him, though, so he didn’t try. Instead he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

Hera let out a pleased hum at the kiss, happily tilting her head to properly return it. She pulled back after a moment, though, giving him a little smile. “Now I’m wondering if you were telling the truth, or just tryin’ to get a kiss out of me. Which, you know, there are easier ways to get a kiss.” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan looked at her like she was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen. Which, to be fair, she pretty much was. He couldn’t put into words how much that meant to him, though, so he didn’t try. Instead he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

firstspectre:

Kanan gave a small nod. “I know you probably already knew but I… I owed you an explanation. A real one.” He probably hadn’t needed to worry so much about her reaction but it still seemed like a huge thing to admit.

“I had a hunch,” she said with a nod. “S’nice to hear it out loud, though.” It didn’t change the risk, but at least now she was more aware. But it was a risk she was willing to take.

[firstspectre]

Kanan felt himself go a little cold as he imagined that. In his arms the baby started to squirm and fuss again. Not just because of Ezra, but because of the other dangers. “If they are… I’ll make sure to teach them early. How to control it so they can be safe,” he promised.

firstspectre:

Kanan looked extremely pleased by that and then snorted. “I don’t think they listen to me any better than they do you. I… I don’t know. I’m not even completely sure yet that they can use it. It’s still difficult to tell at this age. But I think… There’s a certain bit of them that responds to it.”

“Hm. Well. That might come in handy, at least for calming them.” She didn’t want to think about what may happen if they were discovered, however. “Ezra better not try and do anything crazy with them if they can use it.”

[firstspectre]

“Wouldn’t work on anyone else even if I tried,” Kanan said lightly. “I might. You can tell me what you think.”

firstspectre:

Kanan wrinkled his nose but then seemed pleased with the compliment. “Well, as long as I still have my looks I guess I’ve got nothing else to worry about. The beard’s staying. It’ll grow out more.” Plus it was easier to not worry about shaving it but he didn’t say so.

“Well, I mean. You’re not using those looks on anyone but me, anyway.” Hera rubbed her hand against his cheek some more. “Guess it won’t look so bad when it grows out. You gonna let the rest of your hair grow too?” 

[firstspectre]

It was surprisingly and painfully easy to fall into old habits. There was only one cantina in the area but it suited Kanan just fine. He had plenty of credits and before long the familiar buzz had settled over his mind and dulled everything down. And once he was sufficiently drunk, well, the next step was obvious. First Kanan tried his luck with the guy that had been sitting next to him. They’d talked on and off about things as Kanan let the alcohol set in and once Hera was pushed from his mind he made his move. At first things went pretty well. A little too well. When he asked for credits Kanan very nearly gave in. But he wasn’t quite that drunk. So the guy left him at the bar. Kanan eventually found himself leaving the cantina with a woman who very nearly was keeping him on his feet as they walked. He chattered at her about whatever came to mind and hardly noticed if she cared or not. They’d already kissed half a dozen times by the time they left the cantina and that was all either of them seemed to care about. It wasn’t entirely clear to Kanan how they got to her apartment or when they’d chosen that as their destination but clearly he was thinking enough not to try to take her back to the ship. As soon as they were in the door they were on each other again, kissing and grasping at each other’s clothes. He was only vaguely aware of his shirts getting tossed somewhere on the floor when they tumbled into bed. It wasn’t until Kanan had gotten most of her clothes off that he stopped short. She seemed to think he was going to be sick because she pushed him off and he hit the ground with a thump. He wasn’t sure if he said anything to her or not but suddenly he couldn’t ignore the ache in his chest. That wasn’t fair, the alcohol was supposed to have numbed that down. Somehow Kanan grabbed his clothes and stumbled from the apartment. The next thing he knew he was at Hera’s cabin door. His belt was undone so his pants hung low on his hips and he held his shirts in one hand. The shoulder armor had somehow gotten put back on and it clattered against the metal door as Kanan drunkenly pounded on it to get Hera’s attention.

firstspectre:

Kanan felt another bubble of frustration in his chest. She shouldn’t have been the one that got to shoulder past in a huff. This whole mess was her fault, not his, and it wasn’t fair she got the last word. He checked to make sure he had all his things from the room and then reluctantly returned to his own room.

It was all wrong. It felt cold and empty and since he’d never spent much time there he didn’t particularly see any appeal to the room. Hera’s room wasn’t much different, but it was hers. Had been theirs. As Kanan dumped his things on the bunk he felt a persistent urge in his gut that he hadn’t felt in some time. His first reaction was to push it aside. He didn’t need a drink. But then it occur to him that it didn’t matter. Why bother to stay sober if Hera wanted nothing to do with him? He only had over the past year because of her. Because somehow he didn’t feel the need to drink as long as she was around.

As soon as the ship settled Kanan slipped from his cabin and left. He didn’t owe Hera an explanation anymore and it was time to break his streak of sobriety.

Hera hadn’t seen him since they’d landed, but quite honestly that was just fine by her. She didn’t want to see him yet - she was trying to shake the image of his face from her head, trying to justify that she’d done the right thing by ending it now. It was either this or lose herself if she ever lost him.

Out of habit from their few fights over the last year, she’d checked around the ship to see if he was still there. He wasn’t. She figured he’s just gone to blow off some steam, and honestly it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. She needed the time to cool down herself, then maybe… Maybe they could talk about it after that. 

When he wasn’t back by dark, though, she ignored the stab of worry in her chest. He’d come back if he wanted to, she told herself. So shoving her worry aside, she’d gone to bed.

[firstspectre]

Kanan felt another bubble of frustration in his chest. She shouldn't have been the one that got to shoulder past in a huff. This whole mess was her fault, not his, and it wasn't fair she got the last word. He checked to make sure he had all his things from the room and then reluctantly returned to his own room.

It was all wrong. It felt cold and empty and since he'd never spent much time there he didn't particularly see any appeal to the room. Hera's room wasn't much different, but it was hers. Had been theirs. As Kanan dumped his things on the bunk he felt a persistent urge in his gut that he hadn't felt in some time. His first reaction was to push it aside. He didn't need a drink. But then it occur to him that it didn't matter. Why bother to stay sober if Hera wanted nothing to do with him? He only had over the past year because of her. Because somehow he didn't feel the need to drink as long as she was around.

As soon as the ship settled Kanan slipped from his cabin and left. He didn't owe Hera an explanation anymore and it was time to break his streak of sobriety.

firstspectre:

Kanan snorted. Somehow he didn’t believe that. He couldn’t imagine how they could continue working together. But maybe that was just him. He also couldn’t imagine leaving her for good. In the end he’d take a rocky work relationship over never seeing her again.

“Well, I guess we’ll see what happens when we get there.” He shrugged at her. She didn’t have to know if he would come back or not. Especially since he wasn’t so sure himself.

“I guess we will.” she said. She absolutely cared whether or not he came back, but she refused to show it. Turning on her heel, she shouldered past him, going to prep for their landing. “Have fun, Kanan, with whatever it is you’re going to do.” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan wrinkled his nose but then seemed pleased with the compliment. "Well, as long as I still have my looks I guess I've got nothing else to worry about. The beard's staying. It'll grow out more." Plus it was easier to not worry about shaving it but he didn't say so.

firstspectre:

Kanan leaned into her touch so he could drag the stubble across her palm. “What’s wrong with the beard? Thought you said you liked it,” he said, pretending to sound vaguely offended.

Hera chuckled softly at the feeling, running her hand against his cheek. “Looks a little patchy,” she answered honestly. “But,” another peck to his lips, “you’re still very handsome.” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan looked extremely pleased by that and then snorted. "I don't think they listen to me any better than they do you. I... I don't know. I'm not even completely sure yet that they can use it. It's still difficult to tell at this age. But I think... There's a certain bit of them that responds to it."

firstspectre:

Kanan smiled slightly. “They’re plenty perceptive but there’s a good chance they got that from you and not me.” He knew how likely it was that one- or both- would be able to use the Force but he still hadn’t explicitly mentioned it. “What? I didn’t do anything you can’t do. There’s plenty of times they don’t listen to me either.”

“I dunno, love. You have your moments. Not many, but you do have them.” Hera let out a little laugh. “They listen to you more than they do me. Like now, she calmed down when you held her. Wouldn’t work for me.” She paused, hesitating a moment. “Is it a Force thing?” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan took a step towards her, wanting to reach out and take her hand but the motion stalled and his hands sort of failed briefly like he wasn't sure what to do with them. Telling her wasn't just a huge risk to him it made it all the more likely to put her in danger as well. But the fact was his presence alone did that already. She at least deserved to know that the risk existed. "It's pretty bad," he warned. "But not telling you... It's eating me up, Hera. You need to know. And I understand if you want me gone. You can drop me at our next stop and you never have to see me again."

Kanan gave her a small crooked smile but it didn’t last long. It was quickly replaced by nerves and he’d gone completely still as he forced himself not to start pacing again. “There’s something I need to tell you. It’s just… not very easy to say.”

[firstspectre]

“I know. Tomorrow should improve things. Supposedly it’ll hurt a lot less.” Kara kept his hand around her waist and closed his eyes again, mostly to ease some of the lingering pain that came from messing with what was becoming scar tissue.

Kanan let out a slow breath. “It’s ok to say it,” he told her. “It must look pretty terrible. Lightsabers do plenty of damage.”

[firstspectre]

Kanan gave an overly dramatic oof at the elbow. “Sabine would work. She- Chopper? No way! Hera, we can’t leave him in charge of two babies. That rolling bucket of parts can’t be left alone with them! Now or at any point!”

Kanan blinked and raised an eyebrow. “You want to leave our children in the hands of our other children for a few hours? I didn’t think you were that sleep-deprived, Hera.”

[firstspectre]

Kanan gave her a small crooked smile but it didn’t last long. It was quickly replaced by nerves and he’d gone completely still as he forced himself not to start pacing again. “There’s something I need to tell you. It’s just... not very easy to say.”

Something like fear flickered in Kanan’s gaze but it was covered quickly. “Well. It’s true. In… a manner of speaking,” he admitted. He swallowed hard and looked away briefly. “I don’t like keeping things from you, Hera. You know that. Right?” 

[firstspectre]

Kanan blinked a few more times as he tried to absorb that. He pushed to his feet in an effort to feel like he was on some kind of even ground but instead it just felt like he was going to lose his footing if he wasn’t careful. 

“Too risky?” he repeated, sounding stunned. His mind scrambled to keep up with her. “Is this because of the other day? Hera, I know it was a little rough and I- I maybe shouldn’t have rushed in but...” He trailed off and tried to keep his expression even. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix it.”

Kanan had never been great with routine. He’d spent years keeping on the move, avoiding staying in one place for too long, avoiding staying with one person for too long. But things with Hera? They were different. And he liked it. He was hesitant to admit to himself that he was happy, but the fact of the matter was he was quite happy.

Which was why when Hera just about burst into the room and made the startling declaration he simply stared at her for a moment. “What?” he managed, sounding a little strangled. It felt a bit like the world had suddenly dropped out from under him and he desperately hoped that she wasn’t trying to say what it sounded like.

[firstspectre]

Kanan let out a slow breath. “It’s ok to say it,” he told her. “It must look pretty terrible. Lightsabers do plenty of damage.”

Kanan hummed softly at the kiss. He kept his eyes closed as she moved the bandages and he could only imagine how rough the skin looked even as it healed. “Bad, huh?” He tried to keep his tone light but didn’t really succeed. He opened his eyes slightly, though that much still stung quite a bit, especially with the damage to his eyes.

[firstspectre]

Kanan blinked and raised an eyebrow. “You want to leave our children in the hands of our other children for a few hours? I didn’t think you were that sleep-deprived, Hera.”

Kanan wasn’t sure it would ever be over. “It would be wonderful,” he said honestly. “But we don’t have to worry about that right now. We’ll go back to the Rebellion when the time is right. For now let’s enjoy this, just us.”

[firstspectre]

Something like fear flickered in Kanan’s gaze but it was covered quickly. “Well. It’s true. In... a manner of speaking,” he admitted. He swallowed hard and looked away briefly. “I don’t like keeping things from you, Hera. You know that. Right?” 

Kanan gave her a crooked smile and shrugged. “Hey, if I’m not gonna sleep there why should I think there?” He shifted on his feet. “Uh, would it be a cheat to say I’ve just got a lot on my mind?”