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[fixingforeverandalways]

Yah. This took a turn.

[fixingforeverandalways]

So now what, we seen eachother on Sunday the 7th for the first time in months, after all the jasmine thing and shit with Brad.

I never thought we'd get over this, or at least some days I didn't think we would.

After staying out for hours talking on the 7th, I felt like I've been stuck in limbo of how I feel since then. I was so nervous and it was so good seeing you again.

Then last night, well, earlier this morning 12th/13th, when we slept together. I'm so confused. I know neither of us are in a position to commit fully as we need to heal from what's happened. We've both grown and changed as people but God you know me so well.

But I also know you, you said you didn't want to lead me on so I didn't expect a relationship etc which was kinda a given. But I'm dying to know what you want in the long term.

You kept saying how much you'd missed it, and how good I felt etc but were you just using me? As company? For sex? You described us both as being toxic and I definitely agree. We're both obsessed but I know you're hurting right now.

I know it's still early days and we have a lot to work out but fuck. I want to know what you see in the long run for us to be honest.

Last night was beautiful, the stars, your accord was pretty decent too 😘

I definitely dissociated through the entire thing. But fuck.

God fuck do I miss you

If I didn't detach like that I'd have killed me.

[fixingforeverandalways]

There's no mistake, I got my karma.

I got hurt recently the way I hurt you.

You've lied to my face.

The difference is, I lost control. I lost myself and I lost reality. I got paranoid and it spiraled. I was not in the right mind. Quite literally it was like living in a different world.

But.

You were in control. You chose to hurt me, and you're not even sorry for it.

You've not even apologised or understood it. You've been pushed into being honest months after what you should have.

And the worst part is no matter how I try to express it, you just shut off and don't want to hear it. You made me accountable for my actions and my behaviour that was hurting you, and yet you refuse to hear it when the roles are reversed.

What you did was not my fault.

I don't want to lose you and I've worked so hard in moving forward and growing as a person.

But what happens when we get to the point I've outgrown you as a person?

Because I'd never purposely hurt you the way you have me.

And I don't know how long it'll take me to get over, after as the last months worth of posts prove, you were pushing me back down to earth, to become a better person and get a grip of my life again... Meanwhile you were betraying my trust in the worst possible way.

The reason I fell out with abi was because she was telling me oh well what if he's gone back to jezis house and I told her not to be so stupid. You would never do that.

There is no excuse, no reasoning and absolutly no explanation which makes what you chose to do acceptable.

I don't know if this will ever get better.

[fixingforeverandalways]

Wow how far things have come. I love you beyond belief and I'm going to start working here again, to remind myself and us when we need it that nothing is beyond fixing, and we're worth the occasional hurt. I love you.

[fixingforeverandalways]

It's been a little while since I updated. Honestly I'm super sleepy and have uni stuff to worry about tomorrow. Just know I had an amazing time watching spider man on Sunday and honestly I just love to spend time with you. I will never take our time together for granted. You're the love of my life.

[fixingforeverandalways]

I’m glad it’s not just me

Who worries about the hurt of the past still. 

Knowing that you’re still cautious and careful because you don’t want things to go back to how they were means the world to me because thats exactly what I want too. Knowing that we both want to move forward and ensure we support each other is pretty much just it really. 

Knowing you still worry about shouting, or feeling pressured means I can work extra hard to find ways to build your trust back up in me. I know it’s not easy and honestly, I feel like time is the only answer for that, but I also think that by keeping track of my thoughts and feelings and opening up here allows me to express EXACTLY what goes on in my head, and in time you’ll be able to read this, and previous and future posts. 

Sometimes I feel you’re not that interested in what I have to say or talking about feelings and stuff but I feel so deeply on so many levels, my emotions are so strong it’s honestly the only level of deepness I’m interested in. 

Honestly; I’m glad you told me your current worries so ima just briefly express mine because I feel there’s so much. 

- The nightmares; EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT i can’t escape, when you’re not here, as relaxed as I feel when I go to bed, no matter where I’m sleeping I can’t escape them. It starts off with us watching Z nation in bed, having some cuddles where you’re facing the other way. Like I can kinda feel you a little distant but I put it down to you feeling a bit depresso, and we’ve talked and I know it can’t be me causing it? we’d communicated and we’d sorted everything? right? then a few hours pass and I wake up, i figure you’re just in the bathroom... i check my phone and it’s 3.30... then 15 mins pass and you’re not back and I needed to ask for some juice cause your juice is the bestest and you ALWAYS make my juice because it’s one of those things you know I love.... I get out of bed to check the bathroom and notice the outside light is on, the house is empty there’s no stuff in the bathroom, the kitchen, your clothes are all gone... and so is your car. i try to ring and call and ring and message and call and you’re not picking up, i try your work phone and message your work whatsapp and there’s nothing, my message wont send, i search you on facebook and your account is gone. i cant find your insta, i cant find anything relating to you, the photos are gone, everything is gone and im just stood in the kitchen with the door wide open crying beyond control because i cant i literally cant you’re just gone. 

and that happens every.single.night. I wake up in a panic, im crying and it all feels so real. all i can think about is you sitting in front of me telling me you dont want to try again, that you’re done and even though you love me you don’t want to try and you don’t want to fix this. 

and oh god it hurts so bad. it feels so real because it WAS real. because you said those things and those things will resound in my mind for a very long time to come. I know in my mind that everything was so emotional and raw and you had every right to be so hurt after I was such a monster for so long. I’d lost myself, i’d lost all of the parts of myself that strived to make the world a better place and I never want to go there again. 

but my fucking god am i hurting. the worst part is that there is only me to blame, but it felt so cruel, every time i think about it it knocks me for six and i just stop. i cant feel, i cant function i just cant. i sometimes get lucky and can fall back asleep after but sometimes i just end up getting up. i sit on the wall outside in the pitch black and cold and all i can think is how deserving I am of someone to hurt me the way i hurt you. all of the awful things i experienced in life, all of the traits I hated I ended up becoming. the difference is now I have something that grounds me far more than ben ever could, I have a love that I want. A love that quite literally will find me wherever i go, I’ve got tests to come and the truth is I need help sometimes, I over think things and get a bit uneasy about dumbfuck things, but i need to know that no matter how dumb af my question may sound to you, i’m only asking because it’s new to me and I want to understand. 

[fixingforeverandalways]

The past two days

Have just been so nice, like the spending our day just kinda chilling, getting breakfast then doing some nice drives down to the house viewing in netheravon, I’m so glad you liked it too because it ticked all my boxes yknow. I can imagine us living there and being so cosy and happy for the next year. Like im so excited to just start over in our own space its amazeeee. 

Then picking luna up from school was pretty nice too, it was nice to see her even if you carrying her out made my eyes rolllllll. like bitch, you don’t fuss over me like that. no neeeeed for that it was a bit weird, didn’t see anyone else carry their kids out of the school :’) it was a bit weird and loads of people were looking at you too. honestly tho It was really nice to see her again after so long and even better to hear that she still loved her hoodie haha! I’m super excited to give her her tshirt and the giant unicorn ;D she’s gonna love them! im sooo looking forward to simply jap, i just hope she enjoys it cause it means its more things we can do with her haha that we’ll all enjoy too. I’ve got loads of epic ideas of things we can do, sure it wont be all the time we do something but it’s good to have some ideas yknow. 

 I think one of my issues that’s playing on my mind since last night is that obviously you’ve spent like the past 6 years or so playing happy families, while i’ve been off living life and shit. and im not at that point in my life where i want the whole family bullshit yet, but I will be within the next 5 or so years when I do want that out of life, once we’ve got a house and got married etc, like I do want a family with you, like actually more than i realised yknow. One that is actually OURS and extends beyond the pigs :P and i worry that it wont mean as much to you, or you just wont want to do it because you’d have gone through it all twice over already. or just that you’ll be bored of doing that shit in your life, but I dont think it’s fair to settle down with me and expect me to give that up just because you’ve already done that... because I want a life with YOU, a whole life with all the little things we were looking forward to all those years ago, sure you’ve got luna and celestia but for me it’s not the same, no matter how much i will support you with them, and care for them its just not the same because they will never be mine, it just kinda feels like another cousin or whatever. and I do know that I will want the whole settle down shit in the distant future, and i know it’s so far off but honestly its one of those things where i dont want to end up like hanna room, with me saying *this is what i want* in X amount of years, and you turning around and being like, ‘yeah been there done that, so no thanks’ because it’s different for me, and while yeah it’s not something immediate to worry about, it stresses me because I know what I want in life more than ever now, i dont want to get 10 years down the line and you say actually nah you’re not interested. 

I was a bit hurt like i said to you last night about you coming across like you were snapping at me talking about jezi, because you make such a fuss and get so het up over her, yet show literally next to no emotion when i’m supposed to make you happy? fuck knows. I dont understand you with this kinda thing to be honest, it’s just irrational and your issue to deal with, I just struggle with that. I’m really glad that you bit the bullet and didn’t make me wait at the top of the road. I feel that was a massive thing in showing me how serious you are about us, this and everything working and that meant more than i can express to you, i appreciated that so much and honestly it’s like a huge thing for me so.  

I’m super excited after mattress shopping, and so excited I really really really hope all this referencing shit works out, it’s stressing me hugely thinking about that ngl. but eh, nothing we can do now we’ve just got to wait it out I suppose. 

[fixingforeverandalways]

I just feel like I can’t talk to you without you getting stressed. I have questions, I need you to be understanding and patient while we work these things out. You said you’d rather I ask but when I do, I make you feel like a dick? I don’t think me wanting to be open and talk to you is an issue - it’s you getting on the offensive when im just asking a question, it’s like you get ratty with me for just wondering and asking you upfront which is what we agreed we would be with each other. 

[fixingforeverandalways]

The past two nights and yesterday at PGD were beyond amazing. Our first night snuggled up, and then getting to be in the car with you on the way to the show was lovely <3 I like your company, even when we’re just sat in the car yknow <3 Then all your help and hard work setting the stand up as always, I will forever appreciate how much you do for me <3 Just being able to spend the day relaxed and watching the track and seeing all the cars was so so nice to spend that quality time together I loved every second of it ;D <3 It was so nice to not be rushing around while you’re left to put the stand up and clean the cars tbh, like I deffo need to find a better way to organise bigger shows I think! When you said it was nice to see me smiling I think it hit home how much happier i was now...

Then oh lordy, coming back for pizza and drinkies was the perfect summer night ;p not to mention the amazing sex and I’m 10000% sure like we are just made for each other. You’re so amazing, the things you do for me and just eughhhh you. just you. I honestly never want to know anyone else ever again, you’re all I’ve ever wanted and needed and I’m so so so glad of how much better things are, and how much better they’re still getting. 

I’ll be honest, up until last night I was scared. Scared because I felt like you might leave again, at any second without warning again. I know you had ever reason and right, but it hurt me really badly. I felt so on edge around you and worried I might say or do the wrong thing or stress or upset you, but yesterday and last night really relaxed me, I know I accidentally stressed you in the morning but now you’ve told me the best time to ask and talk to you about stuff, I know what to avoid and really felt like you communicated so easily to me and that’s EXACTLY what I need and needed to know. I’m not on edge, i’m just excited for the future we have together. I just hope you’re as happy and as excited for things as I am <3 I just hope that no matter what, if you’re ever worried, or stressed, or upset that you’ll be able to turn to me and I can be there to support and help you when you need it. 

When you left today and whispered in my ear that you had a secret, you loved me. That moment just melted me. <3 

I hope you have a lovely day with Luna and Celestia today :D <3 

I love you, and I promise you that this will be the best decision you’ve ever made <3 

[fixingforeverandalways]

I loooove this idea sooo much ;D It reminds me of curling up in bed next to you playing minecraft <3 

[fixingforeverandalways]

It’s the first time in what feels like forever that you’ve said you love me. Deffo over a week. It meant so much. 

[fixingforeverandalways]

Opening up

So today was the first time i’ve actually ever expressed to you or anyone my fears about us having a family in the future. It was upsetting, hard and well just shit. It hurts to think about. a lot. so much. there’s so many amazing things I want to do with you, and that’s one of them. 

Because I love you, and want to share in all these experiences in life with you, not be sat on the sidelines while you’ve done that with someone else. That hurts. A lot. Especially knowing that it’s not something you’re overly interested in in the future. I feel that in your mind you’ve done the kids and shit and now you’re just wanting to live your life. but I haven’t. I want to do things properly and have an amazing life with you, and part of that in the distant future would be to have our own family and do amazing things together. Idk. 

I know it’s so far away and I shouldn’t worry but the thing is I like to plan ahead and have a little plan laid out so it stresses me. Ultimately though living for the present is a much better idea but i don't want to set my self up to fail like hanna room did. 

It’s hard to focus on the present when we’re officially starting our life together, properly. I don’t think I could live knowing you had all the experiences I want with you, with someone else yet knowingly would choose to not have them with me. It hurts so much. 

Am I not enough? 

[fixingforeverandalways]

Triggers

The cars. I feel these are our space, and anything I don't like being in them is an issue. Ie jezi in your car is a huge no go. The same with mess and gross stuff. It annoys me because I don't like dirt and genuine grim sticky stuff and it irritates me when the car gets gross.

No hearts on messages when I feel vulnerable. Sounds stupid but it makes me worry I've done something wrong or thst you don't like me and it makes me worry and doubt and leaves room to get stressed because I get paranoid.

Not being upfront. Especially now we've properly spoke I don't think there's any excuse for this from either of us.

Pet names. After talking today I definately don’t like the idea of you calling me and either L or C the same petnames. I love the fact you want to make Luna feel as special as you make me feel, that melted me a little but I do still think that the relationship you have with your partner and the relationship you have with your children are VERY different and there are lines that should be drawn there, especially when i’m over sensitive and need to feel extra special at times. I don’t want to always feel like just another person in your life yknow, sometimes I need to be made to feel extra special, and extra loved. Not more important, but just that extra little bit of idek what. 

[fixingforeverandalways]

This. My God this. Throwback to those vampire emojis. Oh god I needed this so bad. They feel amazing, not just in the moment but for days after, feeling them throb and seeing the marks you leave on me and knowing you own me. That I'm yours. Always. The sign of want and love and everything in between. This is what drives me so wild. Bite me harder and see how long it takes before you're tied down in the bed restraints while I sit on your face and let you fuck my throat.

Then after you can read me a story and snuggle me because I'm your princess, always. 👑😏💖

[fixingforeverandalways]

What a rollercoaster

The past two days have been so hard for you, and I know I got emotional at the worst time but honestly I freaked out. But we got through it, I really needed this morning and last night and you being happy to stay over as it eased my mind - for some reason where you’ve been so busy with work and we’d hardly spoken I was so worried you hated me :s So for you to take the time to spend with me and talk to me about what’s going on, opening up and talking to me about what’s happening I really appreciated so much. It speaks to what a selfless person you are because I know you knew I was a bit up in the air the night you spent with celestia and honestly it was a struggle to know how badly you were suffering with her. My heart broke knowing how poorly she was and how worried you were. But the fact you stood by her, helped her and soothed her speaks to the amazing person you are <3 I know sometimes I can be selfish and not see the struggles you face, but I felt you dealt with that and me being emotional so so well just by telling me WE were ok but you needed to focus on celestia rn put my mind at ease and kicked my worries and doubts - I know it seems like a no brainer to you like it was obvious but to me, i’ve never been in that situation before and all i wanted to do was help you and I felt so so helpless for you knowing you were struggling. and it sent me spiralling. 

Jezi royally gets on my tiddies with using the girls against you. She said at the start she would never do that to you etc and yet the first chance you get to be there for celestia when she REALLY needed it - she starts to take the piss and riles you up. You MUST manage your stress better because this is EXACTLY what she wants, to break you down and make you feel like you’re you’re a bad parent and person when that is SO far from the truth. You deserve better than to let her get away with pulling this shit on you, you ARE better than that and i hope as time continues i can help to support you and show you your worth <3 It’s hard because she plays with your emotions with luna and celestia because she knows how much you care and want to do the right thing but it’s sick and twisted and i think shes a horrible person for it. I just wish I could relax you better and help you chill <3 

[fixingforeverandalways]

It's hard knowing that even though I don't deserve the support, you still give it to me, you still care for me and make sure I'm OK 💖

I love that about you, so much.

[fixingforeverandalways]