flamered147 - Tumblr blog

[flamered147]

I just want to shut down.

[flamered147]

Sorry that I just went offline like that - I just got so overwhelmed..

This is exactly, what I did not want you to think: That you only bring me pain.

I’m still glad I met you. I just need to figure stuff out, knowing you and I wlll never be a thing. I don’t know what to do, I wish I did. I don’t know how to handle this.

And I don’t want you to “think” - I don’t want you to filter yourself and not say what you actually want. As always, I want you to be raw with me. I want you to be brutally honest with me, even if it hurts. Even if you think it would make things worse.

Ughh............. I hate this.. I hate it all... fuck me.

[flamered147]

It’s killing me to know that you are just as horny as I am and that I can not just grab you by the throat, make you drop down on your knees and fuck your pretty little face with my cock until you become a little mindless doll for me..

[flamered147]

I’m basically using this as a journal for me and you at this point..

I feel like shit. I feel so tired, and it might just be that I switched to decaf coffee 3-4 days ago. But I just goddamn miss you so much. I want to hug you so hard, I want to see your pretty face, I want to talk to you, I want to tell you how cute you are, how much I love you. I know that I’m obsessed with you lol And that’s fine with me. I know I should not be saying this. I am so glad that I get to talk to you a little bit at least, really am, makes it much more bearable. I am sometimes still on the verge of ripping apart. But that’s fine, cause the little interactions we have is what keeps me together.

This is me oversharing, this is not something I should be saying, I should be putting up a strong front. Please do not feel bad. This is not to make you feel bad!

I am jealous lately. Not even on him, well, maybe a little, but even just on Tumblr? I don’t know why, it never bothered me before, but being cut out, seeing you make new mutuals, reblog stuff, even if it’s meant for me, getting all the attention of everyone with your selfies. Why is it bothering me? It shouldn’t, it didn’t before.. now it does.

I’m hoping by writing some of these things down I can process it, I can come to terms with it, understand it a little bit better. I’m not sure if I even want you to see this.. Might delete this later.. Might leave it up here.. I don’t know yet.

I tried distracting myself, but nothing helps, it’s all a band aid at most, just temporary. You - you are something that touched me on a deeper level. It’s not only my body and my mind that is craving you - no - my soul is longing for you.

Ugh, this is soo cheesy..

And I miss the sex with you too. Both the hard, kinky, nasty stuff, but also just holding you afterwards, smiling with you, feeling happy.. I know, it never was “real” but it was real to me.

I do really want you to get better, I do want you feel good about yourself. And I get you want to give your marriage the best shot, give it it your all. And that’s fair. And on one hand I hope you do find happiness, but on the other, I hope you realize it’s not with him, but with me. I hope.. Probably in vain, but I still hope. Call it denial, call it stupid, I don’t care. All I care about is you. And that’s why, to be honest, I hope you never get over me. I know you try to, and you might succeed, but I want to be a part of you, forever. It’s selfish, I know. But I can’t help what I want.

I will get my life back in order as well though. Start cooking again, eating healthy, working out, getting stuff done at work. I should try to move on as well - just like you. That does not mean I do not want you, but I cannot keep clinging onto you like this, I guess. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. I don’t want anyone else but you though. Maybe some artifical compliments from strangers might help, I don’t know lol Maybe I should do a photo shoot and try to get some good selfies? Or maybe not lol

Wow, this is actually helping a bit.. Feeling less anxious already.. Not completely gone, but still..

I’m kissing and cuddling Lia, knowing I’m not alone, and yet, I can’t stop feeling lonely without you.. I love you.

[flamered147]

I wish he would treat you better :( You deserve so much better.

And I'm so jealous !!! I miss interacting with you normally, everyone else on Tumblr is giving you attention and love and I'm sitting here in my corner, sending little messages in a bottle lol but it's fine, I know why we have to do it like this and it's better than nothing ❤ I just feel like telling you how much I love you and miss you. I want to cuddle you in the morning, kiss you, touch you, smell you, feel you. I want to tell you how pretty you look, I want to hear your voice again, god I miss your voice. I wanna spend the nights with you!

I want you to be mine :(

[flamered147]

Good morning / Goodnight baby ❤❤😘

I miss you so much.

[flamered147]

This was literally the dream I had of you btw.. And it felt so real..

[flamered147]

About to take a shower and then prepare for bed, gotta get up early for the doctors and return the equipment.

Hope you made the right call regarding meeting those friends. And hope you are not doing too bad and I wish you the best for your therapy session tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you.

Goodnight. I love you ❤ And I miss you, so very dearly.

[flamered147]

You look beautiful :( Why the sad face?

[flamered147]

Missing you.

[flamered147]

The amount of love and affection I have for you right now and want from you is immeassurable. I just want to hug and kiss you, and cuddle you for the rest of the day.

[flamered147]

I want that all day already :(

[flamered147]

I get that you don't want all that talk about kids and that's why you don't wanna go - and honestly, I wouldn't want that either. I know how it feels to be alienated, when interests don't match anymore. That's how I feel with my family, remember? And I can only talk for myself - it was the best decision to not force myself to those family meetings anymore where all they talk is stuff that I don't fucking care about and I just feel like a stranger and cannot contribute.. I can't just be like "haha yeah, babies.. Who wants tequila?" lol

[flamered147]

And yes, there is much more to life than having a family and a home - travel, good food, drinks, sex, dancing and laughing, being silly all night long like kids again and being sponatenous - having money to actually be able to afford yourself stuff, being relaxed and having some good night sleep. Trust me, there is a lot for you to experience still. Having a kid is not the answer for everyone, heck most people just do it cause they don’t know what else to do and feel like they have to - but you know that already.

*hugs you* Sorry that you feel lonely and alienated. Really am :(

[flamered147]

:( Another one bites the dust. Sucks so much, it’s like a zombie apocalypse. Ugh I hope you don’t just give into the pressure like them and stay true to yourself. You are worth 100x more than any of them cause you do not abide by any fictional rules that tell you you have to have kids. Instead, I hope you can enjoy your life to the fullest, the way it is. Remember, I have saved your best friends life!

[flamered147]

But also, if you actually really want to see them, then that might be a good thing to. It really comes down to what you want, truly want. If it’s just being scared but you want to see them, I would say, go see them.. If you actually just wanna be alone right now, and not socialize - don’t! Without any consequences, listen to what YOU want, and do what’s best for you.

[flamered147]

Not my business, I know, BUT if you really do not feel like it, it is totally normal and understandable to cancel. It might take a day, a week a month or a year (or more) until you feel like socialising, and that is okay! There is no point in pushing yourself to do something you don’t want to and then regret it later. No one will blame you for it.. at least that’s what I think