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TV!Bot: All humans are assholes. Disgusting, naive organic creatures that are only good at getting themselves killed. I hate being anywhere near them and couldn’t care less about their wants or needs. I should just let them all die. Or kill them myself because I’m an evil Murderbot. Yeah… yeah I think I will kill them. I will! …eventually. 

Book!Bot: My humans are the fucking best. No human clients are as awesome as my human clients. Did you know they drive the hopper safely? Don’t get into petty squabbles? Use the feeds so we can chat without them looking at me? Yeah, exactly. Phenomenal. If anything happened to my humans I’d kill everything on this planet and then myself. I want to kill things just for THINKING about hurting my humans… unless it’s Gurathin. It’s fine if he dies.

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BRO THIS IS NOT BASKETBALL

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TIL The chances of us eating even one spider in our sleep throughout our lifetime is close to 0%

via reddit.com

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Tornado

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thinking about boxed meat? again

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the fact that walls get dusty is ridiculous. you're vertical. act like it.

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Every time you eat cheese we fire a calf into the sun

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maybe the single funniest twitter comment I've ever seen

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just found out in medieval france, having a lion on your coat of arms was so prevalent that there was literally a colloquial proverb to clown on knights for being basic and not having a real coat of arms. the hate game was so strong back then. imagine medieval hate anons

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seeing strange fetishes im not into on my dash is like observing an edible herb on a walk. Hmm. someone wise ☝ could make use of this... but i shan't 👴

you paint such a beautiful picture with your words anon thank you

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my brother had a brilliant idea that i wanted to share with other people who have four-legged family members: he trained our two cats to go directly to the door when they hear the fire alarm.

obviously at first the fire alarm sent them scrambling for cover, but he started slowly by giving them treats whenever it went off, when someone burned food or forgot to open the fireplace flu. he then progressed to calling them to the door to offer treats immediately after the alarm went off. and it actually wasn't too long before the cats voluntarily started going to the door upon hearing the alarm.

i think this was genius because in the event of a real emergency we know exactly where the cats will be and we will not have to waste precious time trying to find them to rescue them. i think this method would work equally well with dogs and probably other free-roaming pets such as rabbits, ferrets, etc. and i certainly encourage others to give it a shot!

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The word you are looking for is “selfish.” Not narcissist, not sociopath, selfish.

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Actually no one should be having sex. All of us are aged-up minors and the passage of time is inherently problematic

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been listening to the knuckles raps from sa2 while pretending to not know the music is from a video game and i highly recommend the experience. really good from the perspective of a normal rapper who talks about ghosts trying to kill him and his ability to telepathically detect gemstones in the earth