fletchershewrote

[fletchershewrote]

If you’re being questioned about a murder by one of those hobbyist detectives. it is an absolute rule that you have to be washing the dishes or pruning some plants while talking, so that when they finally get around to asking a pointed question about where you were at the time of the murder you can freeze for a second with a knife in your hand. It’s enrichment for them you gotta understand. They thrive off of red herrings, it’s their favorite treat, so even if you have a rock solid alibi and weren’t involved with the murder at all you have to give them some reason to be suspicious of you. It’s what friends are for.

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this was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my LIFE

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TBT to some very special guest star Lost Mystery episodes featuring Jessica Fletcher from “Murder, She Wrote”, The Golden Girls, John Waters, RuPaul and the cast of “Schitt’s Creek”:

“The Cabot Cove Creepster”: The gang travels to Maine to visit Velma’s family friend Jessica, who enlists their help in solving the mystery of a shadowy creeper targeting the elderly.

"The Miami Moonlight Mystery"- Scooby and the gang meet the Golden Girls when they pass through Miami and help them uncover a strange phantom that haunts the Shady Pines retirement home at nightfall.

"The Bearded Banshee of Baltimore" featuring John Waters and Divine.

“The Freaky Fashion Show Phantom"! The gang gets invited to RuPaul’s new runway show but a ghastly ghoul is determined to ruin the event!

"The Creepy Crowening of Schitt's Creek" Scooby & the gang get stuck in a small town on a vacation through Canada and help the Rose family stop a diabolical Crowman that's haunting the local theater!

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ver w/out text under cut

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the-expatriate​:

“Sure, Jessica. I’d be glad to clarify!”

Pari replied before finding some separate pictures of her feline friends. The first picture she’d centred on was of a calico cat who was lounging on a cushion.

“This one is Dave. She’s the lady of the house!”

She then would swipe to a picture of a black and white tuxedo cat with a little moustache marking on his face and a bow tie.

“Sir Thomas, he’s a fancy boy.”

Lastly, she’d swipe to a picture of a very fluffy grey cat.

“This is Cloudy Bollocks. He looks like a grumpy little cloud but he’s actually a really sweet gentleman.”

@the-expatriate​ “They’re all so beautiful,” Jessica cooed appreciatively as she looked at the pictures. “You know you can really see their personalities coming through in their expressions as well? I’ve always found that fascinating about pets.”

Taking note of the time, she turned towards the entrance to the bar. “Your manager should be here any minute now... Has he sent you any updates?”

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[fletchershewrote]

Ok, I’m not a big fan of these kinds of posts, but lately, I’m becoming more and more disheartened so I need to know if you’re out there. 

Please reblog this post if you are willing to write with ‘un-shippable’ muses. 

I’m talking about those muses who are perhaps elderly, who are married/taken and not liable to affairs, muses who are asexual/aromantic, or even just muses whose muns don’t really want to ship. 

While I’m always happy that anyone would want to write with me, sadly, over time I have realised that my older/married/ace muses are very rarely (virtually never) requested. So please share this on your blog so that people know they can throw their muses at you who are not going to wind up in ships or with smut threads. 

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the-expatriate​:

“Oh no, I got them at different times.. Lady Dave was the first, then Sir Thomas and then Cloudy Bollocks was the third.”

Pari stated, peeking through the pictures in turn.

“I’ve always had cats, and I’m pretty experienced in getting them all used to each other!”

“Cloudy-? Oh, my!” Jessica gave a small chuckle as her face pulled into a somewhat embarrassed expression. “Well, they certainly do have some unique names! Do you mind pointing out which is which for me?”

“That’s good. I’ve always heard they’re quite social creatures, so I’m sure they appreciate having each other’s company.”

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the-expatriate​:

“Ah, I absolutely do! Come and have a look..”

Rather than make Jessica come to her, she made her way over with a massive smile on her face and was immediately ready to hand over the phone with all of the cat pictures on it.

“Here you go! Feel free to look..”

Jessica took the phone and began scrolling through the pictures, seeming to have no trouble navigating or dealing with the touch screen.

“Oh now these are precious.” She said, smiling warmly as she paused to take a while longer admiring a shot of all three cats together. “Did you get them all at the same time? They certainly seem to get along well enough even if that isn’t the case.”

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the-expatriate​:

“Oh yeah, I absolutely understand that. Cats and birds, gotta be careful with putting them together.”

Pari of course could completely understand where Jessica was coming from but it was also reassuring to hear that she could share her excitement about her feline friends.

“I’ve got three. Rescues, all of them! Cats, of course.”

“Oh, how lovely! Do you have pictures?” She asked, leaning forward with interest.

Rescue cats could be quite a handful from what she’d heard, especially those that came from feral cat colonies. There had been quite a problem with one forming in the hay loft of someone’s barn back in Cabot Cove a few years ago, though luckily the farmer had discovered it before it had gotten beyond a dozen or so cats.

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the-expatriate​:

“Not as such, it’s as quiet as can be some days around here so I can’t say I have many of those.”

Pari did however crack a knowing little smile, before reaching into her phone.

“I can however show you something really silly. Tell me, Jessica. Are you okay with cats?”

“I adore cats.” Jessica said, her eyes crinkling softly at the corners. “I’ve never kept any myself because of my parakeets, but I’ve been known spoil my neighbor’s cat whenever I stop by for a visit.”

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the-expatriate​:

“Aside from save the pictures I’ve taken. I mean.. I don’t know what else to do right now. Let’s just say the last thing I hoped for was this. I’d only came in early for the stock counts! Just as well I did really.”

Pari was perhaps a little baffled that anyone would have wanted to target the bar but it wasn’t at all something she would have associated with the company she used to keep.

“Yes, it’s certainly not what anyone hopes to see when they come in to work in the morning.” Not unless they especially hated their job, but even then she suspected the schadenfreude would be dampened by knowing they’d have to help clean it up.

“I suppose we should just try and keep ourselves entertained. Do you have any funny stories about working here, maybe?”

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“Of course,” Jessica said, smoothing the back of her skirt as she took the seat Pari brought over. “It wouldn’t be right to make you deal with this all on your own.”

“Is there anything special you’d like to do while we’re waiting?”

Getting into the Bird’s Nest after a few days off had proved to be something of a challenge. Especially as the entire pub was in an absolute mess.

It had started off in the Gents restrooms, where it looked as if someone had placed something into one of the cubicles. Namely a spray paint bomb.

Pari didn’t know what to do, but given that it was most likely a harmless prank gone wrong, she knew the person who could help her with that particular mystery.

Before she could attempt to try and clean up, she remembered a certain someone was staying nearby..

@fletchershewrote

[fletchershewrote]

Jessica nodded, sympathetically, looking around at the mess. “For now it’s likely best to leave it as it is, at least until your boss decides whether or not he wants to bring the police in on this.”

“Once you’ve gotten the okay to start fixing things up though, I’d be happy to roll up my sleeves and lend a hand.”

Getting into the Bird’s Nest after a few days off had proved to be something of a challenge. Especially as the entire pub was in an absolute mess.

It had started off in the Gents restrooms, where it looked as if someone had placed something into one of the cubicles. Namely a spray paint bomb.

Pari didn’t know what to do, but given that it was most likely a harmless prank gone wrong, she knew the person who could help her with that particular mystery.

Before she could attempt to try and clean up, she remembered a certain someone was staying nearby..

@fletchershewrote

[fletchershewrote]

“Yes, I imagine anyone would be shocked given the circumstances.” Jessica agreed, nodding her head lightly. “Did he mention what time he’d be able to stop by? Assuming he wants to come take a look at the damage himself, of course.”

Getting into the Bird’s Nest after a few days off had proved to be something of a challenge. Especially as the entire pub was in an absolute mess.

It had started off in the Gents restrooms, where it looked as if someone had placed something into one of the cubicles. Namely a spray paint bomb.

Pari didn’t know what to do, but given that it was most likely a harmless prank gone wrong, she knew the person who could help her with that particular mystery.

Before she could attempt to try and clean up, she remembered a certain someone was staying nearby..

@fletchershewrote

[fletchershewrote]

“Of course, I’ll wait over here so I can keep out of your hair.” Jessica said, stepping back to rest her purse against one of the barstools while she waited.

Turning to view the rest of the room, she kept herself busy by indulging her usual nosiness. Taking note of decor, the positions of the tables, the photos on the walls. Whether it was idle curiosity or simply out of habit, she made sure not to miss anything.

Getting into the Bird’s Nest after a few days off had proved to be something of a challenge. Especially as the entire pub was in an absolute mess.

It had started off in the Gents restrooms, where it looked as if someone had placed something into one of the cubicles. Namely a spray paint bomb.

Pari didn’t know what to do, but given that it was most likely a harmless prank gone wrong, she knew the person who could help her with that particular mystery.

Before she could attempt to try and clean up, she remembered a certain someone was staying nearby..

@fletchershewrote