flightfreak19-blog - Tumblr blog

[flightfreak19-blog]

A Question.

I have been struggling with my anger for years. I am now 26 and it has gotten so bad I cannot talk to anyone without getting so angry and ripping them apart repeatedly in my mind. I wasnt always so angry, it started in Middle School, I wasn’t as busy nor did I have as many friends anymore. I no longer did meaningful things, I wasnt permitted to hang out with my friends or go places after school. I was limited to within view from the back porch of our row-home. 

I get why my parents did it, they loved me and didnt want me to be corrupted. But by shielding me from experiences and problems another one grew. Resentment, Rebellion, Anger, Loneliness, Depression, just a myriad of things that piled up. I didnt go to parties, I didnt hang out or create bonds, I didnt make connections or get into trouble. I was a loner, people knew me, but they didnt want to be around me. Always picked last for activities or sports despite being athletic and intelligent. In high school I was only sought out the cheat off of. After high school, I no longer had social interaction, community college was a waste of time and money, the people there either middle aged or just looking for sex. 

Im not boring you with all this nonsense for no reason I promise, I dont even expect anyone to read this. If you do I apologize for wasting your time. Now 3 years into college money at home was very tight my father couldn't find work for over a year, and I wasnt paying for anything I was using, I felt guilty. So I dropped out, and let me tell you, once you do, you never want to return. So Id suggest doing it right after high school. anyway I started working a dangerous job and making some money, then we moved states. 

That was when this main problem started, frustrated, working a dead end mechanic job, barely paying my bills, helping my parents, no extra money...I had absolutely no blow off valve, masturbation didnt work, its hard for me to get to ejaculate...and if i dont, I get very angry. It started effecting my professional life, snapping and threatening my coworkers until it was taken to management. I was given a final written notice that went in my file. So at the time I was at my breaking point, fighting with family, fighting at work. I had a girl from back home contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to be with me. 

I brought her down she stayed for a week. It was amazing, we were so sexually compatible it was insane. I could release all my rage through sex, all my raw anger, my hatred, manifested itself through intense pleasure for us both. But through that it became more, the feelings blossomed, sure it may have been the illusion of love through lust, but it felt pretty real at the time. She wanted to stay but didnt want to move here and I didnt want to go back, having burned all my bridges and cut ties with family. For that week I was ok, but she left after that week and I was back to work everyday, eat, sleep. 

I had withdraw bad. It was so bad I became ill, caught the flu, ended up 20 lbs lighter from it, but severely weakened. So she came again a year later, same thing, but she pleaded and cried when I said i wouldnt go back...another year passes and I got a new job, much better paying, almost double being a mechanic. I went and got her and moved her down here. My job required traveling, all the time. So she was here for 1 month. I thought everything was fine, apparently not. evil grew between my girl and my family. I was ready to get an apartment and move in with her. Then I got sick, really sick. So sick I was having hallucinations, vomiting, passing blood. I didnt think I was going to make it. I drove home. 4 hours, seeing the dead, watching nuclear explosions, seeing soldiers run in front of the truck. It is a miracle I made it home. 

I collapsed. 2 days I was out. I woke up dry heaving, couldnt eat or drink. figured Id rest and it would go away. a week passed, I got worse,another week passed and I hadnt eaten in a month, I was barely drinking any water. my body was eating itself to stay alive, I lost all my muscles, I was weak and frail. I finally went to the ER. 

They said they didnt know what was wrong, took blood, then said my bill was $800.

I left furious, dizzy and reeling. 2 days later I could barely move, so I went back, They no said I had mononucleosis, the kissing disease. said I need to rest and drink fluids. I demanded to know how I was to drink when I just vomit it back up. They didnt care, just want me to pay $2,000 and leave. I went home and slept. 2 days later, I wake up and something is very wrong, my vision is off, I cant balance myself anymore, Im gasping for breath, my sides are killing me, pain I never thought possible is attacking me. Im in and out of consciousness, I make it to the ER, the nurse rushes me back to the doctor, he looks panicked. Everything is very slow to me, I feel tired, sleepy, I see darkness at the edges of my vision..

I am in a room on a bed/chair, I am having an I/V administered, my father is there, his face is white, I wonder if Im going to die, the nurse returns, her hands are shaking, she plunges it into my arm, it hurts, its a large needle, I watch at the fluid is released to come into me. I see 5 large air bubbles come down and enter my body.

Fear. Extreme fear I have never felt grips me, I look at her and say “you have just killed me” I look at my father to say goodbye. Im gone. 

I am in a kaleidoscope, fans spinning, cows grazing. Imagine a  kaleidoscope spinning endlessly, clowns, kids, school, cars, helicopters, sex, death, explosions, bullies from the past. its gone. Im in space, I see the milky way, I see planets, the sun, stars, comets...I am back at the  kaleidoscope, I see my family and everyone I ever cared about. they are leaving...

I am slapped hard in the face, the nurse is screaming my name, I open my eyes, my legs are in the air, I have death grips on the bed railings. I cant feel my body, I cant feel anything, Im breathing so fast, the nurse is rubbing my head cooing me. My hands slowly regain feeling, my legs start to lower then stop, they are cramped and i cant move them. my arms and hands are cramped into position...

Some time later I am in a bed in the dark. Pain so impossible is coursing through me. I cant move, I cant speak. My whole body is failing, I am told by the RN I have Mononucleosis, and hepatitis. My kidneys, liver, pancreas, and gall bladder have all shut down. I am told if I had waited even a few more hours before coming in Id be dead. To this I laugh and say “you stupid motherfuckers sent me home twice.” The RN looks around nervously and says ‘I dont know anything about that, but id appreciate you not using that language’  For thefirt time in a month I laugh and say “Im almost dead and you care about cussing?”

After all the nonsense is over I need to piss from the I/V. I shuffle into the bathroom. And look into the mirror. I see a face that isnt me. Its an old mans face, worn, sunken, dark rings in the eyes and cheeks. And my eyes, they are smaller and a dark yellow. I looked like a literal corpse. 

So fast forward, Im in the hospital, they cant find out what is wrong with me, They say its all kinds of different things. I get a CT scan, then a full CAT Scan. Nothing. They do an ultrasound...nothing. after 2 weeks my rage meter breaks. I call for the doctor, he insists they are close to finding the problem. I ask him what my current bill is. $30,000. wow. Im done, I get my shit and walk out. They ask for a payment, I laugh and leave.

Sorry to get off track. But during this time my family got to my girl and she leaves. Im alone again. I found out I got sick because of either her, or drinking dirty water...I stay with my job a while longer until I am fred, now I am back as a mechanic.

So in conclusion, my anger is worse then ever but I dont talk to anyone about it, I dont hurt anyone. I just have no relief from it. I hate everything and myself...Any advice?