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[floater333]

Why?

I’m currently watching That 90′s Show... basically a reboot of That 70′s Show, with the setting 20 years later from the original plot.

Today I am...

26, making art, journaling my thoughts and feelings, documenting via photos.

None of these activities make me any money. If anything, it costs me more money and time to create these things. And I can’t help but ask why?

And to counter that.. why not?

The oldest drawings made by homo sapiens lies in southern France... Chauvet Cave, dating back to 35,000 years ago. And it’s so interesting - why do we feel so compelled to recreate this world around us?

Maybe creating art is not about the final product. Maybe it’s about engaging with our present. Maybe it’s a tool that allows us to interact with the world around us in a more meaningful way. But what even is meaningful? Is that even necessary? I don’t think so. I believe meaning is inherently meaningless to the void. Meaning is only meaningful to people who care. So what do we care about?

You can branch this off as a mild mild mild form of hedonism, I suppose.

Hmm.... what do you really care about?

I think caring is difficult when you go through depression - because caring is actually really fucking difficult. You have so many emotions, you go through ups and downs, moods that swing left, right, pull you into so many directions without any real rational.

But I also think that’s what makes us not just human, but animals. That is where our instincts... this weird internal drive to continuously procreate, survive, thrive... comes from. Feeling is where we get our motivation from. Kinda funny the more we’ve learned about biology and the natural world around us, the sillier the information gets. That it’s just some chemicals in the brain doing their thing. And we’ve mastered the science to admit doses of pills to synthesize these drugs that alter the brain chemistry.

Just some thoughts before bedtime.

[floater333]

january is one of those months where you experience every feeling on the human spectrum and you just have to go about your day like that isn't happening

[floater333]

days of unknown

i think with human’s mastery of the natural world around us, we’ve been able to extend our lives to almost unnaturally prolonged time... which allows us the luxury to ponder more about what we’re going to do rather than doing with our lives.

and with more time to think, comes more anxiety about the future as well since there’s a lack of total control and/or prediction.

today i was really helpful, optimistic, exerted myself physically a bit. Did my job but I didn’t do what I need to for future career.... hm

setting an intention in the morning really helped though. I think it really elevated my mood and allowed me to push and do my job. Now i need to be better about writing tasks in my agenda and focus on that as well! :)

[floater333]

first post

I’ve decided to start blogging again, whilst journaling, to get my thoughts out in a digital media content. After going back to my old private posts from high school, I became somewhat sentimental of the ~vibes~ that are so different when life is documented with the media contents that resonate with that current self. And it makes sense - the digital world is so intertwined with my physical world, perhaps even more than physical is reality.

This sounds like an argument for meta, which isn’t the case. I still stand by wanting to be more present and play with the old, tangible world. A stickler for the old analog I suppose (ironic, considering this is my digital diary lol).

It’s been almost 10 years since my last “blogs,” and I’m not sure what I want this to be quite yet. I have a strong inkling that it’s going to be personal essays filled with topics that are compelling to me. I don’t want to keep forgetting.

I’m actually scared of my own mind... in a sense where I almost don’t trust myself, which is the worst thing for a self-sufficient human to feel. I know my capabilities, it’s just a matter of finding pride in that growth.

I don’t know, there’s been a lot that’s been on my mind recently. It’s 2023 and I’m about to turn 27 in a few months... which is not far off from my 30s. I should really get my finances, plans, goals in order. I should be on my spreadsheet bullshit considering I have a degree for it from one of the top universities in the world. I should have it somewhat together by now but to be honest I don’t and it feels like I’m so behind. I know it’s not necessarily true, there’s no “timeline for success” blah blah and I can always make the change blah blah yada yada I know I know.

Execution is just so difficult. I keep trying to gaslight myself by saying “it’s simple. It’s really simple..” and to be fair, it is! It’s just difficult for moi lmao I watched a video recently describing how action is put into motion by knowledge, but people with ADHD have it reversed.

We have the knowledge, but we can’t put it into motion... blah. Idk. I do, but it’s a struggle. Definitely a fight everyday. Too bad I can’t give up because I literally have no back up plan and am my parent’s hopes and dreams hahahaha

Regardless, I am thankful to be where I am from where I started. My finances may be a mess, my love life is watching Singles’ Inferno, my work is not a passion or career but I’m sure life will take me on it’s way eventually. I just need to work, get on my shit, and be ready for it.

And keep soul searching what matters to me.

Ah.