flooded--skies

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i’m sure silence should hurt less.

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“never too late to be who you might have been” by sara yukiko mon | still from i saw the tv glow, “there is still time”

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i. there's this video of a guy dancing on his tiptoes. i will begrudgingly admit the song is kind of catchy actually. i don't think it's the worst song i've ever heard. he seems passionate about it. but it is embarrassing, how he's dancing.

ii. you know where this story is going, unfortunately, and so do i.

iii. three weeks ago i had to drag half a dead rabbit out of my dog's mouth. i was just recently discussing how cruel things feel lately. that the way the world is shifting feels mean. three days ago, a random woman rolled down her window to snap at me because she missed her turn. this is now routine.

iv. 11 years ago in october, i made a post about how we shouldn't make fun of people for doing brave, vulnerable things. it has over 400k notes. people - at the time - seemed to generally agree with me. we have all felt shy and insecure when we share an intimate part of ourselves. we have heard someone at a concert say "that's fucking embarrassing" and said to ourselves - oh, this person is unsafe to be vulnerable in front of. we have said i can't act like that in public. we have left our art and passion in the dark. i think there will never be enough graveyard space for the art we have killed because what if others shame me for it.

v. the thing i was bullied for in high school was because i was a "predatory lesbian." a popular girl i'd literally never spoken to just decided she didn't like me and announced i was "stalking" her. to this day i have no idea what motivated this - i think i was just shy and poor and awkward and ugly. the perfect target. what they don't really ever show in movies is how quickly it moves, how suddenly strange people in the hallways are attacking you about it. they also don't show you that the bullies get this strange ... glee out of it. like, it's fun for them. it's enrichment. everyone else is in on the joke. suck it up, kid.

vi. so far, from what i have seen, creators that stand up for the musician all seem to have the same story: when i asked why we're bullying a random guy, people actually got mad that i asked. i've had similar things happen to me when i ask for us to be less comfortable with our anonymous cruelty. when an internet stranger says "be kind, it saves lives" - people find it funny to say fuck you i hope everyone kills themselves. pages and pages of people saying the same bullshit. sitting in their little caves, eating their own humor. it's just genuinely exhausting. the natural endpoint of "cringe culture" is that even kindness is cringe-worthy.

vii. loneliness is an epidemic. but where are you going to make your community? call your representative. go back to bed about it.

viii. due to how i was raised, i am always confused by cruelty. i understand the american isolationist belief "i can do whatever i want" - sure. but why wouldn't you want to be kind? i have lived too many bad things. i cannot be the epicenter of someone else's bad dream.

ix. it's just that if we were going to bully someone relentlessly, why is it never the healthcare CEOs. why isn't it the fascists. why isn't it, like, someone who you could at least argue "deserves" it. why is it always just some guy in socks singing a pretty mid song? or a person that doesn't look like you, just, like existing.

x. it's just that i think people enjoy doing it. they want to do it because they get some kind of masturbatory release from it - like a shrug or a splinter, they all seem to say the same thing - come on, it's funny.

xi. the world is sometimes beautiful, and sometimes you make something. the world is sometimes terrible, and you are worried they won't accept what your hands can wring. you open the instagram comments and they're still saying all sorts of shit to just - like - a normal guy. and some part of you thinks: if that was me. good lord. if that was me i'd -

xii. somewhere there is a graveyard. someone is already burying their hopes and dreams.

[flooded--skies]

Pride month by Shelley Wong

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spoke deeply to me.

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It’s one thing to miss someone that’s no longer here but missing someone that’s still alive, that you can no longer talk to fucking sucks.

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I can't believe you left me alone with grief. This is all I feared and I trusted you to keep me safe. You who knew me best.

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Soon enough the day passes and you don’t remember it was their birthday. Clothes from special occasions are just clothes. Their favourite snacks now another product on the shelf. Flowers are walked past, salted caramel ignored. Life goes on

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Life feels alright until I'm sitting in the kitchen and the reflection of all the people I've lost touch with stares back at me in my morning coffee. I hope they are okay, somewhere out there. Wherever they are.

From, Random thoughts in my journal

(via paperdreamsndtea)

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nothing is as painful as losing a friend who feels like a soulmate except for reminiscing on it years later and realizing as more time passes it becomes more and more likely they truly are gone from your life for good except for the bittersweet memories that will haunt you forever

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How I’ve Been Feeling // A Friendship is Burning To Ashes (And I’m Not Sure If I’m Angry Or Just Tired)

Be Nice To Me - The Front Bottoms // Tired - beabadoobee // ritikajyala // Tucker Edwards // aidashakur // Best Friend - Lauren Aquilina

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2- Mikko Harvey / 3- @beetlejuices / 4- Ocean Vuong / 5- Sarah Kay and Philip Kaye / 6- Franz von Stuck / 7- Cortes Edouard Leon

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is it normal for your chest to physically hurt when thinking about old friends who you don’t talk to anymore for no reason other than slowly and silently growing apart?

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RSD Diaries: an ode to the ghost of a friend