floodofcolor - Tumblr blog

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I looked in the Mirror.

And for a fleeting moment I think I felt Beautiful. 

But alas it was indeed a fleeting moment and as the moment passed. 

The hand of insecurity once again took mine and lead me out the door. 

[floodofcolor]

““I didn’t mean to and I had drank a bit. I swear it’s the distance. You- you were so far away,” He stumbled desperately, “what was I supposed to-,” “Love me,” she whispered, the tears running down her cheeks, “All you had to do was love me.””

— tara love / was that too much to ask for?

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“It wasn’t a matter of falling out of love…she just loved who she was without him more than she loved him.”

— Jess Amelia

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“People fear someone falling out of love with them, but no one usually questions what it’s like to be the one falling out. They can’t picture feeling that something must be horribly wrong with you because there’s no other plausible explanation for why your heart doesn’t flutter when you look at him like it used to. It was the position I never thought I would find myself in, yet here I was, looking at the man I supposedly loved and not feeling a thing. If there was anything there, it was negative. Annoyance, anger, sadness, the complete opposite of everything he used to make me feel. It wasn’t right to let him believe things were okay, so I told him. Watching his facial expression drift from a quiet seriousness into a brokenness I never thought I would cause, I wished I didn’t mean the words I said but I knew I did. I couldn’t keep running away, after all, where could I go when the person that used to feel like home no longer did?”

— Maxwell Diawuoh, Request: Telling the guy you love that you’re falling out of love for the same reason you fell in love with him.

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“I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate that you were my best friend I hate that you believed the lies I hate that you abandoned me I hate that I trusted you I hate that I forgive you I hate that I miss you I hate that I love you I love you I love you I love you”

— I hate you - @lyrics-of-a-lost-soul

[floodofcolor]

As someone who suffers from BPD, I can’t even begin to explain how our fear of abandonment differs severely than those w/o the disorder. This disease is shit. It’s hearing the slightest change in tone, seeing the most discreet change in posture, constantly and endlessly analyzing everyone to pick up on signs that indicate that they’re going to leave you. It’s replaying seemingly miniscule things in your head over and over and over that impact you so severely that it becomes a physical pain- oh, your friend is hanging out with someone else? Guess what, they hate you now, they’ve already replaced you, you’re gone and forgotten about, just like that. Our fear of abandonment is rarely subsided. Our fear of abandonment is the only thing we know won’t leave us. Our fear of abandonment is crippling and toxic and it festers inside of us until we lash out in pure RAGE, driven by those formerly repressed emotions, and push the ones we want to stay away from us. We fear our own fear of abandonment. I am tired of being this way. I am tired of having this disorder.

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“Out of everything I’ve experienced, pain of abandonment hurts the worst. Knowing that a person I loved, protected, needed and embraced never saw anything of value in me breaks me like nothing else does.”

— you didn’t even see a human being when you were looking at me.

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Me playing Skyrim

Me: *goes in NPC’s house, steals literally everything they own*

NPC: get out of my house

Me: what the fuck don’t be rude