floor-bagel - Tumblr blog

[floor-bagel]

[floor-bagel]

no its fine I'll just go go gadget fuck myself

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Do you ever get sad but then remember you can sit her right on you and go schplagablagablagablagablaga?

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just got kicked out of Starbucks for - you guessed it - inventing a special kind of glue that lets me climb up anything.

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maybe cain wldnt have killed abel if they had video games to healthily channel the violence between siblings. unfortunately back then the only smash brothers they had was smash brothers head in with a rock

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Ripley's don't believe it

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Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

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i live in the most haunted house in the northern hemisphere because i keep buying cursed dolls and cracking them open like pistachios to release the ghosts inside em. see i've got this business idea and it's to unethically harvest their ectoplasm and sell it in little jars like honey. unfortunately i've hit a snag, namely that ectoplasm tastes like shit and also if you ingest it you permanently lose the capacity to feel joy. so now i've got a bunch of unsatisfied customers who are literally impossible to please banging on my door at all hours. it doesn't really matter though because the ghosts are already constantly slamming all my doors and cabinets so it's just a wall of sound in here at all times anyway. i'm pretty sure i've got tinnitus now but on the upside i've got this new business idea where i repair old dolls with kintsugi and sell them at a ridiculous markup to etsy women in cuffed corduroy pants.

[floor-bagel]

gun is a beautiful mother animal and it gives birth to baby bullets who are so fast and small and strong

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there's penis in the air tonight......

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he’s going The pisstance

he’s going For peed

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my wife, upon learning that pubes can be straight: Thats not bush,,, thats just grass

[floor-bagel]

my brother started calling our cat "doobie brother" which he then lengthened to "dubious brother" and has since morphed into "brother dubious" like he's some sort of fucked up little monk