floreciendojuntos

[floreciendojuntos]

Song of the day: Messy by Lola Young

This song hit me in the feels the first time I heard it. I first heard her music on tik tok - and I loved her voice. When she released this song.. It resonated so strongly with me. Very emo-like lyrics.. Sort of like the emo boy bands - which was the first type of music that really helped me during my teenage years into adulthood.

But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?

Mum hardly ever gave me grace.. Judging, questioning my every move.. It was scary.. Was scared of doing the wrong thing.. Not doing things right.. And growing up in that environment.. I lacked a positive sense of self.. It was mostly negative.. And any positive Identities I held.. Such as:

music listener/lover, spending time listening to music constantly.. And the type of music I listened to..

Reading books, she questioned why I read so much and told me I read too much.. And made me feel bad for laughing as I read.. Like I'm sorry it was funny? It brought me joy?

My pursuit in higher education/art education/the art community. Putting my work out there.. Ridiculed and questioned me and my work

Being a feminist.. Challenging beliefs that she had that were unjust/discriminatory..she didnt like that I had friends that were black/indigenous/queer/women

Being a friend.. I didn't have many friends.. Wasn't encouraged to make friends.. Wasn't allowed to hang friends.. Wasn't allowed to play with neighbors.. And continued until adulthood I was told no one was friend ever.. I can't trust no one.. I was told I don't need friends

'Cause I'm too messy and then I'm too fucking clean

Yep always told I was too messy and shamed about it constantly

You told me get a job then you ask where the hell I've been

Being asked where I was if I stayed a lil too long at work..

And I'm too perfect 'til I open my big mouth

Never really told I was perfect.. Always told I would look prettier with a closed mouth.. Got told I was not a good daughter

I want to be me, is that not allowed?

Again being questioned on who I was and what I did and what I liked

And I'm too clever and then I'm too fucking dumb

There were points where I was affirmed for being smart esp whbe I was little and got certificates.. But as time progressed I was told I was just faking it.. That I was dumb.. Wasting time

You hate it when I cry unless it's that time of the month

Crying was allowed if I was in physical pain.. Of course my period I had really painful cramps growing up and when there was domestic violence happening but if I cried other wise as I got older I was ridiculed for it.. I have no reason to cry.. I have it good.. I has a good childhood.. I was never mistreated..

And I'm too perfect 'til I show you that I'm not

A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot

You hate the fucking lot

You hate, you hate

I emcopass everything you dont approve of.. I will stand up for what's not right, I am tolerant of others and advocate for them.. Who I am as a person.. And I'm sure may e other factor about who and how I am.. At least it's how it feels.. And the lyrics say it how it is

Music just always reminds me.. I am not alone. We're all experiencing so much.. Sometimes very different experiences.. Sometimes exactly the same.. But the feelings are all the same.

[floreciendojuntos]

Music has always been medicine. Music is my life. Music has saved me. Just like art.. And well music is art.

CD making with limewire and music player, playing them on my radio/cd player while writing lyric entries on my physical journals, making mixes for my closest friends and writing about songs, what I loved about them, why I resonated with them.. That shit kept me alive. I don't know why I ever stopped.

I still remember carrying my CD player around and playing it while I rode in the car ignoring as much as I could around me, drowning in musical feelings.

I remember carrying CDs in my backpack and when I got my first ipod. Thank you Pisces hermano for getting it for me. I'll always regret losing it.. Years years later after I hadn't used it for years cause at that point I wasn't really using it, wasn't playing CDs anymore mixed or bought new or from thrift stores. I was streaming on iTunes on my smartphone.. But luckily I never did forget about last. Fm

There was a gap after 2016 after I graduated from college where for some reason I stopped scrolling and I had lost access to that accnt I didn't recall my email / password honestly it might have been made up? But I'll always remember my username so I always refer back to it and then it occurred to me on 2018 that I could make a new last. Fm accnt and keep scrobbling my plays through my streaming service like old times.. Felt nostalgic.. Last. Fm connects to Tumblr and vice versa.. And well Tumblr has always been part of my healing journey of getting through life and Tumblr was also a blog service I kept going back and forth to since 2011? Or 2010? I had my share of fuck yeah circa Survive blogs.. Emo blog.. Aesthetic.. Life quotes.. Social. Justice/ feminism / book Tumblr - All of it.. What brought me back was the queer lgbtq sex positive body positive community.. Where I ended up meeting the love of my life 💘🥺

I'm debating getting pro last fm for a month just cause I want to be able to see my over all listening history with grid photos on the old accnt and since I only had 4 artists selected and to see more since it ain't my acct I have to have pro.. Bruh..

I was with iTunes for a long time... And 8 tracks at some point where I made playlists it was so fun.. Felt like I was making a mixed CDs.. I made some of my best 8 track mixes on there it was here limiting it to 8 lol And throughout it I kept last fm except for those years between 2016-2018 damn I know life was really hard during that time..

Pandora was meh.. I remember giving raphsody a try at some point.. What else.. Well Spotify.. I'm sure I had it by 2018 maybe started sooner but hadn't thought to scrobble sooner.. Then I gave google music a try and most recently prime music.. But just nothing hots the spot like Spotify.. An imperfect streaming services as they all are.. I am still open and trying to find the most ethical in terms of paying artists better.. Oh yeah that reminds me band camp was one I did enjoy especially for independent artists where I coudnt stream elsewhere and it was nice owning the music and I could add to my computer.. But yeah Spotify.. My playlist making haven.. Literally saved me again..

Lately playlist making has been slow.. I haven't endulged in music listenting as much as I had before.. My mind is too loud lately that adding more into the mix isn't all too appealing.. But I have my moments where it is just right..

I miss making playlists for my baby and finding all the songs about healing.. And a good bop to clean the house to and Spanglish goodies..

Any who this year's Spotify wrapped sucked.. Apparently a lot of employees were let go the past year or so and their work was replacrd with AI and it shows... There weren't nearly enough categories of tops.. Like genres or albums.. Or tops if each month.. It just lacked a lot of customization and stats that it's had in previous years.. It was truly underwhelming..

But luckily I gots last fm and I did forget that they do a similar thing as wrapped in January so I look forward to that.. Here's some shots of what it looks like currently.. The past year and the rest are overall since 2018 and the 4 are for my old old acct since 2009 (my senior year of HS) that I cannot recover acces to.. Boo

I love to see it... The artists.. The art.. Medicine to my brain

[floreciendojuntos]

Having to live a future you didn’t think you’d be alive for is so fucking hard

[floreciendojuntos]

First my leg

Then my arm

Then my stomach

multiple times in the past youve threatened to strike me

with your hand up in the sky

You've been hitting me daily with your violent words

This physical form has not been worse

It hurts the same I just feel it longer

But at least it wasn't as painful as

when you hit my teen face

It will never hurt as much as

When your abled body chased mom

Around the house, holding her down

Hitting and kicking her

And I ran in my room

Scared and crying

That is the strongest hit I'll ever get

The most painful strike I felt as a child

Feeling rage and powerless

I still feel that same way

[floreciendojuntos]

I just want to love myself

[floreciendojuntos]

She keeps telling me in many ways that I don't deserve love, forgiveness, gentleness, compassion, understanding.. Love.. To live life..

And why do I believe her?

Wish I could stop my brain

My therapist once told me.. You're living in a domestic violence situation.. You're experiencing domestic violence.. I have been before I was even born.. Intergenerational trauma, the trauma of the inner child of ***. All the violence up until I was born and then when I was born... The sadness and anger that runs in the veins of the people that brought me into this world.. What I heard, felt and saw as i grew up.

What I hear, feel, see now.

He said: well what have you done? What are you doing for your situation?

Sir you're never gonna understand.. Yes youve had it rough.. Still have it rough.. And I do too.. But you don't understand.. The insight I need is in need.. Within me. Has been and is. Do you feel better reminding someone else that they have failed at getting out a miserable state of mind and environment (mental illness: c-ptsd, S ideation, anxiety and a domestic violence).

I'm defensive now.. I'm defensive.. Why?

I think I get defensive.. Because.. I feel people aren't understanding..people don't care to understand.. And have the right not not want to... But don't ask me questions, give me your judgement or life talks.. Because you don't understand and hopefully never will.

I've been wanting to leave this environment.. Since I was little... This is I often think of one of my kiddos who said he wanted to work so he can move out as soon as hes 18 cause he doesn't like hearing his parents argue... That was me... And I did school and I worked... But I didn't make that happen... I wanted to leave earth and yet I stayed.. And I stayed stuck in the environment.. Fought my ideation and depression hard cause I'm still here... Alive.. Better.. Because I've been resilient.. And hopeful because friendship (chosen fam), the youth, my pets and now the love of my life.

I hate that I feel both happy and sad (perks of being a wallflower coming through) I feel anger.. And gratitude.. I feel lost but hopeful.. I feel too many things all at once. That's being human I know.. I gotta allow myself to feel it all..

I'm alive, hopeful and in love.

[floreciendojuntos]

Emotional flashbacks

I could do without you

You make me feel unsafe

Scared and powerless

[floreciendojuntos]

[floreciendojuntos]

[floreciendojuntos]

Damnn I feel thissss

Having CPTSD and trying to work in the modern American workplace is wild. It's so passive aggressive and fake that it makes me long for the days when people would just scream at me about what they were mad about.

[floreciendojuntos]

complex trauma is kicking my ass

[floreciendojuntos]

i don't know who needs to hear this, but guilt, self-hatred and shame are not sustainable sources of growth and healing. you can't hate yourself into feeling better, or being better. you can't repeatedly punish yourself for your flawed humanity and expect wholesome results.

[floreciendojuntos]