florrescentadolescent - Tumblr blog

[florrescentadolescent]

12/10 /17

In the 3 points I listed in that particular concern, outside validation is probably the least concerning. As I said in the past, I would have been fine with you flirting or sleeping with other people, as long as we talked about it. But that would require transparency and no secrecy or half truths.

[florrescentadolescent]

12/10

So at no point were you texting or flirting with other girls through social media? That’s validation seeking behavior. And the funny thing is I would have totally understood if you just said you needed some attention or whatever it was you needed, I wouldn’t have minded at all any of this. You could have slept with other people if we could have just had the conversation beforehand. I put the option of an open relationship on the table so many times so you should have already known it was okay. And you really wouldn’t have risked anything because I would have been faithful to you regardless. I’m a monogamous person in general - when I’m with you I only want you. But I understand not everyone thinks like that and time changes feelings and that’s why I’m okay with open relationships. But all of that comes down to trust, transparency and respect. I think you crave the secrecy and I think you enjoy making girls feel special so they fall for you , and that wouldn’t have been okay with me. You lied to me about “never using snapchat” , which is so petty , but I have a pretty good idea as to why you would hide that now..

[florrescentadolescent]

Acceptance/depression /life goes on

Idk what to even say and everything feels so artificial and misconstruable through texts I can’t get my hopes up just to be let down yet again, so if there’s anytime to come clean and practice complete transparency this would be it. If you want to have a conversation in the future to put closure to all this, I’m open to that. But I really don’t know what to say at this point. It’s difficult to construe what I’m trying to communicate via text, maybe I just need time, idk. Tell What’s going to be different next time your depression acts up and your thinking changes? Show me how you’ve conquered your fears toward confrontation and your ability to exercise honesty. Tell me what monogamy means to you, because I feel we have a completely different understanding. I cant even begin to express how much I wish things had ended differently. Presently, I can’t trust you anymore. If you had simply told me what you were feeling then, we could have ended things amicably and that would have opened so many possibilities in the future up. I would have loved being able to go on summer adventures with you, and cuddle from time to time. Maybe that wouldn’t have worked out though and you would have just jumped into a new relationship. I just hate that it’s not even an option. At this point I’m only open to staying in touch on a platonic basis. You have a lot of trust to rebuild and I think we both have a lot of growing up to do I think you’re seeking instant gratification and this isn’t a situation that will appeal to that desire. I have my hunches, but feel free to prove me wrong. If you really want to take the time to try to rebuild trust I’m open to staying in touch on a platonic basis. But my bottom line question is Have you learned anything from this? Sentiment is good and fine but concrete examples mean a lot more You were so quick to throw me away and completely ignore me for weeks, and all of the sudden now you want to rebuild what we had. I think you’re seeking instant gratification and this isn’t a situation that will appeal to that desire. I have a feeling this is all temporary, but feel free to show me otherwise. I can’t get my hopes up just to be let down yet again, so if there’s anytime to come clean and practice complete transparency this would be it. Even if that were the case, I never felt really validated. You wouldn’t text me back for entire days sometimes, you rarely ever put anything of us together on social media- especially toward the end, I never really knew any of your friends, and you constantly hid your phone from me. And when things ended I felt so disposable. I also would strongly advise you not to tell half truths or try to cover things in the past up, I found out a lot after we split up, though I can’t say I didn’t have my doubts while we were together. If there’s anytime to to come clean completely, and practice total transparency , this would be it. But my bottom line question is what’s changed? What evidence is there to show this won’t happen again with someone new? I think we have a different understanding as to what infidelity is- as I’ve said before , any sort of emotional pursuit bothers me so much. That includes texting/flirting/“hanging out”. I would have been fine with you sleeping with other girls as long as it was purely physical, but I suspect you that wouldn’t have worked because I believe you crave the validation you get from making new girls fall for you. Regardless, that would have required you to be completely transparent with your feelings, which you weren’t willing to do. What do you think the likely hood of you taking time to learn from this , reflect, and grow instead of jumping into a relationship is? Maybe I’m misinterpreting what you meant, but I hope you understand I in no way can help make your mind any less “fucked up”. No one can. Except for you. That temporary bliss you get when you’re dating someone new will always fade. It’s just another distraction but the underlying problem will still be there until you address it and learn to cope with it in a healthy manor. I could probably write you paragraphs, but I don’t know what that would accomplish. I guess if I could summarize it my main points would be this - I think we have a different understanding as to what Infidelity is. -I don’t think you’re mature enough to be able to communicate your feelings honestly, especially if you fear they won’t be well received. -I don’t think you’ve learned how to deal with whatever caused you to stray or “fucked up your mind” to begin with. If you genuinely believe your depression is that out of control, i would highly encourage you to seek out some professional help in learning to actually cope with your thinking and emotions. Maybe , and just maybe, if you’ve actually grown and learned something we could stay in touch on a platonic basis. Even then, a lot of trust would need to be rebuilt and I have a feeling you’ll just abandon any efforts toward that when you find someone new to date. It scares me in some ways that you have very little insight(or at least are only willing to share so much) into why you lost interest and strayed from our relationship. I felt like at that time You were able to cut me out of your life and completely dispose of me so easily. I am concerned that the only reason you are pursuing me now is because your other options haven’t returned interest. My biggest fear is that you haven’t learned anything from this , and if that’s the case things will inevitably end the same , not just between us, but in future relationships as well. How do you propose making things right? Cause I’m really not down with being ignored and picked up whenever it’s convenient for you. You say you’re sorry and broken up but from what I’ve heard you’re moving on just fine. I really don’t know what to even say at this point. If you want to have a conversation in the future to put closure to all this, I’m open to that. But I genuinely am confused as to what your intentions are. ***It would be good to talk. But I can’t handle just having a string of short replies whenever you get around to acknowledging my existence. (I didn’t think you could hurt me more but I guess you surprised me yet again). Fuck My sincere hope is that you learn something from this situation so it never happens in the future. I am working on forgiving myself and then in time hopefully forgiving you, however I can never trust you. Best case scenario, maybe , maybe we could stay in touch on some sort of platonic basis in the future. I fear that you are not comfortable being alone so you are grasping at whatever strings are in front of you to try to make a relationship happen. I will never be someone’s second choice. I’m guessing that whatever other lines you put out to try to be in a relationship may not be coming together the way you’d like and I’m a last ditch effort. I will never be someone’s second choice, particularly in this situation. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t know how that would work. I lost every ounce of trust I so hesitantly gave you to begin with. I have no idea how many girls or even when you began straying from our relationship. I wonder if at any point you were ever truly mine. Even now, I know you’re still pursuing other girls. I believe that fundamentally we have a different understanding of what a monogamous relationship is- to me it means not entertaining others in any form that you feel you would need to hide from your partner. I also don’t view my partners as temporary or replaceable. I don’t believe enough time has passed for you to have made a major change in your thinking. If you were too scared of confrontation a few weeks ago to tell me you wanted to see someone else what’s changed now? What evidence is there to show this same thing won’t happen again with someone new? I truly wished this had ended amicably. But the past can’t be changed. My sincere hope is that you learn a lesson from all of this. I am working on forgiving myself , and in time forgiving you. Best case scenario we could potentially, maybe, maybe stay in touch on a platonic basis. Even then, a lot of trust would need to be rebuilt and I have a feeling you’ll just abandon any efforts toward that when you find someone new to date. I think you have selfish tendencies and have a lot of growing up to do, but maybe you will take something away from this and I think deep down you’re not a bad person. I don’t know how that would work. You severely violated my trust when I gave you every opportunity to be honest with me and you already knew i would be fine with an open relationship, but you decided to go behind my back. And that wasn’t the first time. I believe that fundamentally we have a different understanding of what a monogamous relationship is- to me it means not entertaining others in any form that you feel you would need to hide from your partner - that includes texting or “hanging out” with anyone other than platonic intent. You set up a relationship behind my back, there is no excuse for that. There is absolutely no evidence to show this won’t happen again with someone new. I think you crave the validation you get from making new girls fall for you and that’s something I can’t provide in a monogamous relationship. I truly don’t understand why you push monogamy initially when you continue to talk to other girls or hangout with them or even sleep with them while you’re in a relationship with someone else. I told you several times; I’m a monogamous person, if I’m with you you’re all I want. If you were honest with me I truly would be fine with you sleeping with other girls as long as it’s just physical. I still would be loyal to you so you really had nothing to lose. Except I think you maybe enjoy the secrecy of getting away with something behind your partners back, or maybe you know you wouldn’t be able to have strictly physical relationships without emotions. I mean even if you just told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore maybe we could have still applied the same structure we had and seen each other a couple times a week and see other people outside of that and we could have ended things amicably and remained friends with benefits or something of the sort. But maybe that wouldn’t have worked because you always want to be in a relationship I’ve reentered relationships after trust has been violated in the past and it was nothing but unhealthy; keeping tabs and checking up on stories and going through phones. I can’t put myself through that ever again. It wouldn’t be good for either of us I promise you that. This is too difficult and complex to do over text and I feel my points aren’t being communicated in the way id like. If you’d like to have a conversation in the future for the sake of closure I’m open to that. In the end I truly don’t know who you are, but I know you severely violated my trust when I gave you such an easy opt out and you hurt not only myself, but another lovely person as well. I question just about everything in regards to you, but I will say I have love for the person I thought you were and I wouldn’t want to lose you completely. It is my sincere hope you learn and grow from this , and potentially we could stay in touch on a platonic basis. This is too difficult and complex to do over text and I feel my points aren’t being communicated in the way id like. If you’d like to have a conversation in the future for the sake of closure I’m open to that. I can’t make care and for whatever reason that’s hard for me to accept cause I believed you cared for so long I think the scariest part of this is how I really feel either nothing or sorta numbed depression outside of a relationship. I don’t think that’s your fault. I think I’m searching for meaning in other people and that’s the only way I feel I can give my life purpose and true contentless is if I have a partner. And if I’m alone nothing really makes me feel happy; or anything for that matter. And that thought is very scary to me because I’d like to think I’m an independent person I’m fucking dying and all you can consider are your own feelings. You hurt me and some how you’ve managed to make me feel pity toward you. I should know better considering I know several of the women you’re trying to talk to currently. You hurt me and somehow I’m the one who feels bad for you. Even though I contiously know this is another one of your little acts and deep down you don’t give a shit about me , some pathetic part of me wants to help you and wishes we could be friends. If you’re up for it , I certainly would like to talk, not just have a string of one word (short) replies every couple hours/days/weeks. Idk, I guess that’s up to you though. I never had the mindset you were temporary so it’s hard for me to cut you off completely Do you ever wonder how I’m doing with all of this? It just seems that you’re focused on how you’re feeling and “you’re sorry” but you don’t want to address why you’re sorry or the different aspects /your insight into your actions. Awh 😊 how cute! Now ask him about how he rushes into relationships just to cheat on every girl he dates This might be too much, but I would like to talk to you, not just to process and move on from this situation but I wouldn’t be opposed to staying in touch/being on good terms/even being friends in the future. Up to you though, I really have no idea where I stand with you and I certainly don’t want to be where I’m not wanted. What are breakups usually like for you? I don’t want you to hurt but idk if I can do anything to change how you’re feeling. I offer to talk because that’s the only way I know how to process things and maybe it would help you too. Oh. Hitting me up saying how sorry you are and shit but clearly you have no problem moving on just fine after a matter of weeks. Cool. I somehow thought maybe you texted me cause you actually gave a shit about me or about how much you hurt me after saying you loved me for so long, and maybe you wanted to make things okay(not to get back together but just for the sake of closure), but obviously I’m just garbage nothing to you. Temporary, Disposable, and replaceable. Have fun with your new piece or whatever. I’ve been feeling so numb to everyone lately and I’ve been out in Nevada trying to get away from my thoughts but it’s not working. And I thought I was getting to be okay but after last night clearly I’m still not. And at the risk of sounding absolutely pathetic and stroking your ego- I miss you,Not in an “I want you back” kind of way. But I miss the way you filled the silences and made me feel something. I believe you are a truly special person, maybe you just have some growing up to do. I have so much I’d like to tell you, but idk if you care or if it would help and I really am not comfortable opening up to you if can’t do the same to me. I wasn’t ready to lose you completely. I still believe you have a good soul, maybe it’s just a little lost at this stage of your life. I think you were perfect for me, but i wasn’t right for you. And you got bored, and in the long run things probably would have ended regardless so maybe it was a good thing this ended 7 months in and not later. I envy whoever ends up catching your eye long term though, I hope you learned from this and treat her better then me in the end. I wish I was enough, but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason I don’t mean this to sound cold but I tried my best to be there for you for 7 months, but that’s an impossible task if you won’t open up . I think maybe you’re used to people- particularly women- being temporary so maybe it’s hard to let your guard down with that view point. Idk Skye. I think you know me well enough that you know I want to help and it hurts me to see others suffer. But I can’t just be on call for you to pick up and put down as you please. I’d like to one day be your friend but that would require you to consider my feelings and respect me and not just leave me hanging when someone exciting /distracting comes up. I guess I’m just confused why you messaged me if you were going to ignore me? If you wanted comfort or reassurance I tried my best for 7 months and it never worked then. If you wanted to see how much power you still have over me, you win. I still care and you can put me down and walk away whenever. I hope that’s the ego boost you needed or whatever. I guess I shouldn’t expect you to answer that. Idk why I thought that this would be different than any other time and you can just put me down and walk away whenever you’d like . Idk why you texted me to begin with if you just wanna ignore me I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I really would love to know where I stand in your life and how you view me. If you want to talk, I’ve been waiting to talk. But idk if I can handle you coming in and out of my life when you feel guilty/think about me/remember me Idk how to say this, but basically if you want to be completely blunt and honest with me you have nothing to lose. I didn’t think it was possible to feel more disposable and forgettable than I already do. This is dumb but I noticed you unfollowed me. On top of everything that Made me feel like absolute trash (really disposable) , like I was never a part of your life to begin with and I’m easy to throw away. I unfollowed you because I’m afraid you’ll replace me soon and post pics of you and your new girl doing all the cute shit we used to do and I really can’t handle that. I’m barely able to pass as okay now and that would absolutely break me. I do envy your ability to move on without a second thought, I would kill for that . I was hoping in time maybe we could be friends or at least be on good terms but maybe you’d prefer to cut me out of your life completely or maybe you just truly don’t care I guess I never really knew where I stood with you, but I feel like you cut me out of your life without a second thought and that hurt more than everything else. I feel very disposable and used by someone I had nothing but love for. *I thought I was maybe starting to be okay but I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. You were a big support for me and I don’t want you to be gone completely . But I guess In the end it’s always your choice , I can’t make you care The only reason I unfollowed you on Instagram was because it hurt me to see your face and know I’ll never see you in person again, I can only imagine it’s a matter of time until you replace me and post pictures all coupled up with your new girl and I really can’t handle seeing that.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/20 acceptance

That sounds much more mushy and emotional than intended. *I think you came into my life to test how strongly I would adhere to the lessons previous relationships had taught me. Instead, I listened to my heart and not my instinct. That was a mistake, and I probably should have ended this a while ago. But I am grateful for the good times we had and for whatever part of us that was real. I’m getting the feeling you’d rather burry this and focus your energy on finding my replacement. But if you ever want to talk, ... Im truly embarrassed how I acted the last time we were together, I wish I had known the truth and I wouldn’t have been so clingy. It would have been nice to say goodbye in person after 7 months as well , but oh well, not that it would change anything I guess. I think the scariest part is none of this feels real anymore. For the first few days after we broke up I couldn’t stop memories of you running through my head , but I’m having trouble remembering those now. I don’t even recognize you when I see your face.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/19/17 depression

Idk how to even approach this. I have the feeling you want nothing to do with me or you would have reached out. I guess you’ve had plenty of practice going through breakups but this is my second time so I’m not doing so great. I’d wish you the best but you’d already had it Do you even think about me?. Just say the word and I’ll leave you alone forever. I miss the person I thought you were so badly. I meant what I said every time that that person was absolutely perfect. It was just too good to be true I guess. . I guess that person never actually existed. I’m halfway curious to know who you really are, but maybe I wouldn’t like that person, not that you’d give me the chance to see in anyway. I’m not alright, but that goes much deeper than just you. I honestly don’t know what I feel or what I’m even doing. I can’t change your disinterest in me and I know how annoying it is to hear from someone you don’t care about anymore and I have no intention of ever pursuing you romantically again, but I do miss your presence and conversation on a platonic level. But you probably don’t have time for me. God this is making me come across so mushy and pathetic. Idk what I’m even trying to say. I don’t hate you. *You have the mindset of jumping from one relationship to another to try to make yourself feel good without consideration of the damage you bring onto everyone else involved. You look to other people to make you happy or to distract you from your own issues. Life doesn't work like that. You're never going be able to permanently fill that void with drugs like you tried in the past or with women like I believe you try to do now. Those butterflies and excitement or whatever will always fade away and you'll be left with the same problems you tried to push down and distract from. No one can save you from your problems except you. You will have to learn how to work through and cope with your issues before you'll ever really be happy. But it sounds like thats a lesson your not willing to address yet, I hope you'll consider it for the future.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/18 bargaining

** it’s honestly just weird not hearing from you. Maybe that’s how breakups are supposed to be though. Regardless, I hope you’re okay. If it helps you at all to know, I am starting to be okay, starting to heal. SHE has been a huge support and I am thankful you introduced us, even if it was non intentional. ((I also am working on putting my resentments and questions aside and trying to forgive you.)) I get the feeling you’d prefer to burry this and work on finding my replacement, which is your choice, but if at any point you wanted to discuss any piece of this so you can have closure, I am more then willing to. I want the person that I thought you were, because that person was literally flawless. But I don’t know you. I still feel attached to the idea of you, and I hate that because you’re a stranger to me now. My intention in talking to you is to gain some insight so I can learn about myself and how others view me. The way this ended brought up a lot of shit for me and really made me wonder. IOne thing I can’t let go of is why shady people are drawn to me? I should be able to spot the red flags, but no. **I think you perceive the world as such a shitty place because you value the wrong people and treat the people who care about you like they're disposable. You're trying to make yourself feel better in all the wrong ways and you hurt people in the process. That manifests into feeling even worse and then dealing with it with more shit behavior. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you just did that to me. I guess I’m a little curious why your liking my pics/viewing my story on Instagram , but never read my text. Idk maybe it’s not that deep. I apologize for coming off so confrontational in my last communication. Although I meant everything I said, i was extremely upset at the time and could have phrased better. I never had the intention of making you feel worse, I just wanted you to understand what I felt and why. I still have so so many questions, though the answers probably don’t matter. it’s honestly just weird not hearing from you. Maybe that’s how breakups are supposed to be though. Regardless, I worry about you, and I hope if you’re ever comfortable talking openly to me about anything you won’t hesitate. If you need to invest that emotional energy into my replacement or if you don’t trust me enough , I understand that too. I don’t know what your intentions are for the future but I have a strong feeling you’re probably actively pursuing my replacement. I’d like to offer an open line of communication, platonically of course; no judgment, no hard feelings. If you’re ever wanting to talk to someone I hope you’d consider me a friend. I worry about you and I don’t want to see you hurt. If you have no interest in having me in your life I understand that too. I’d be happy to tell you how I’m doing if you honestly want to know. You don’t owe me anything so please don’t pretend to be okay talking to me if you want nothing to do with me. I figured if you wanted to talk or thought about me, you would have reached out. You haven’t in weeks and you came across my mind so I thought I’d initiate . Just say the word and I’ll leave you alone forever. Take account of the people you have around you. Negativity attracts negativity and positivity attracts positivity. Before assuming the world is against you and all is hopeless, take a step back and assess where your value lies. Do you prioritize the people who treat you like less then you are? Do you brush off people who genuinely care? Just a thought. Nothing will change if you don’t change I wish you’d give me the time of day to actually talk through this , not just focus on how much you hate yourself. I hate that you can put me down and walk away so easily. Maybe it wouldn’t matter any way because you know exactly what I’ll want to hear and you can say it so easily with absolutely no meaning behind your words. I can’t stress enough how important actually talking out what’s going on in your head is. If there’s no one in your life that you trust with that information, I would strongly urge you seek out a professional. Changes won’t happen overnight, but I can almost guarantee it won’t hurt. If it had any possibility of allowing you to feel better about yourself and how you view the world, why wouldn’t you take that opportunity ? It’s not healthy or “strong” to hold all of your emotions and burdens inside. It just makes things worse. I believe that either you 1.- Are trying to find other people (women) to distract you from whatever void inside you causes all of your unhappiness and make you feel good so you don’t have to address your own issues and can push them further down. Or 2.- you seek constant attention and external validation that your unable to satisfy internally by seeking out new women as “challenges” and reassuring yourself that you have value when you’re able to get them to fall for you, but once you win them over and you figure them out then the game is over and you move onto your next target. *I am curious how you thought this would play out? Or did you think it out at all?? Were you just going to keep stringing me along at a distance until you were sure you could secure a relationship with her and then cut me off completely ? Even then, did you think I wouldn’t find out who she is and inform her? Or were you planning to have me keep believing that you were too depressed and suicidal to continue a relationship with me and leave me with only that explanation? I still would have found out eventually, I always do. I get the feeling I was a second thought in all of this. I was just the girl who came over and you fucked on the weekends; I didn’t matter and my feelings certainly didn’t matter as long as you got what you wanted. I am just so amazed how well you could fake it with me- I really just believed whatever you said and I hate myself for that. What truly truly confuses me the most is why you didn’t tell me months ago that your feelings had changed; even if you weren’t ready to leave me, I asked you so many times so I could at least know where I stood. I thought I put it out there enough so that you would know that it wouldn’t be a confrontation or a negative thing if you wanted to talk about it. Maybe you just had to make sure you got all there was to get out of me. I can’t wrap my mind around any of this so your insight would be greatly appreciated if you’re willing to offer it. *I don’t know if you care at all, I don’t want to bother you cause I know how annoying it is hearing from someone you’ve lost interest in. But I wanted to tell you that I'm going to take the mindset that the majority of you is a good person, you just made a terrible ongoing mistake. I am still hurt in a lot of ways, but I forgive you. I miss hearing from you and I still worry about you. i have a lot of healing to do, but I hope maybe one day when we’ve both grown and moved forward from this we can keep in touch or even be friends. That is, If you have any desire to, you seem like the type that cuts people off completely when you no longer need them, And if that’s the case I can accept that too. I can walk away from this knowing I tried my very best. I know now to listen to my intuition, not my heart, in the future. (Not to blindly believe what I want to hear). I still have questions, not that the answers matter, but if you’re ever ready or capable of a conversation I would love to have it. I have no intention of trying to make you feel bad, I just am curious about your perspective. But that takes transparency and honesty and mutual respect, and if you’re not ready for that I guess that’s okay too.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/16/17 anger &denial

From everything I’ve seen it looks like you’re moving on and doing great, so maybe you won’t care at all, but i want you to know I forgive you. I am still hurt but I miss hearing from you and I still worry about you. I’ve learned a lot from this and am grateful for those lessons. Maybe one day when we’ve both healed and moved forward from this we can keep in touch or be friends I don’t know what you’re looking for. If it’s comfort or helping you justify your actions by telling you it’s okay, I’m not in a mental space to provide that to you. I’m torn between being okay and still having a lot of questions and wondering where things went south. I don’t hate you, at no point in this did I feel hate toward you. I am upset with the choices you made and how deeply they affected me , but I also may have forgotten that you’re in a different place in your life and in your relationships and have a lot of growth to achieve still, and maybe I expected too much from you by trusting that you could be open with me. Regardless, I would like to offer you forgiveness. Additionally, If you have any desire, I would like to stay in touch in the future on a platonic basis. I still worry about you. I know I never have the right things to say, but if your depression, or anything else for that matter, is bothering you I am here to listen. I just ask that you be real with me. (( I don’t know how much of this was playing up your mental illness as an excuse and how much of it was real symptoms)) I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse , I just really hope you learn from this and learn to work through your issues so you never make this mistake again I just wish I knew at what point were things not working out, idk why it would matter now, I probably couldn’t have saved it then. But maybe it would give me an idea as to how real this was to you. I think at this point it just sucks cause I'm realizing you were never really mine and now you want nothing to do with me. I don't know if you care at all, but I'd like to tell you after having this time to reflect and process, I'm going to take the mindset that the majority of you is a good person, you just made a terrible ongoing mistake. I am still hurt in a lot of ways but I would at least like to let you know I forgive you. Maybe one day when we've both healed we could be friends. But until that point I hope you're doing okay and I wish the best for you. I have a pretty good idea as to what happened; you weren't getting the same satisfaction with me as you used to and your depression was acting up and making you feel less valuable. To combat this , and to get away from your own thoughts you felt that you needed validation and attention. You sook out attention from girls and eventually found one (or more, who knows ) that you liked and you needed to prove that you were able to still make girls fall for you and this would give you some sense of value. You sweet talked her and hung out with her and were ready to just jump into that relationship without a second thought. I know I can't compete with some shiny new exciting girl. I know you think you got all there was from me and you lost interest. I wish you loved me and respected enough to tell me what was going on at the time, because If what I'm predicting is correct I would have understood completely. a part of me thinks maybe we could have continued to work out because if you had told me, I really wouldn't have cared if you get attention from other women or if you sleep with other women as long as its strictly psychical. But maybe that wouldn't have worked out for you because I don't think you wanted anything to do with me anymore. And in all honesty I would not have been okay with you having an emotional and psychical relationship with someone new and continuing with me. If the case was that you were completely done with me and you were able to communicate that to me , I would be sad , but I could have accepted that and we could have ended things amicably and gone our separate ways. Instead you did the one thing I was terrified of you doing and went behind my back and pursued other girls and hungout with this girl hours before we hungout and slept with her and tried to be monogamous with her before you ever even told me anything was wrong between us. All while making the excuse you're distance was strictly due to your depression. I was so worried about you until I saw what happened Monday night. I am devastated. I have some irrational idea that maybe talking all of this our will make things okay. But then I remember how good and convincing you are at saying the right thing and doing something completely different. I believed you when you said you were just too depressed to talk/see me this week , but you were all smiles hanging out with her instead. I can't get that image out of my mind. I hate that I'll just be another girl on your list, another heart you broke. And you'll just move on to the next one. I really wonder if I hadn't found HER and informed her of your infidelity if you'd even be bothered by this. I just wish things were different, maybe I wish you were different. I wish you were actually the person I believed you to be. Because I don't want that person to suffer the way I'm suffering. You clearly have the mindset of jumping from one relationship to another to try to make yourself feel good with no consideration of the damage you bring onto everyone else involved. I still have love for the person I thought you were I don't want to see you suffer like you made me suffer. I understand that hurt people hurt people. I wish way before this you were able to open up and get help to actually address whatever is going on in your head. I can pretty much guarantee you will never be truly happy or at peace until you do that. I believed what you told me and I believed we were close enough that you would communicate your problems with me, but that wasn't the case. I feel so dumb for trusting you or having any shred of hope that this would have worked out long term or you actually loved me. I've seen now how manipulative you can be and how you play both sides. That is where I hold most of my anger; there's a part of you that's a complete stranger to me. You were single in your head and able to fake it with me for I don't even know how long. You tried to set up a new relationship before you ever informed me your feelings had changed. I think back to all the other sketchy things I found during the time we were dating and have to think she probably wasn't /isn't the only one. I feel so invalidated and I wonder if any part of our relationship was real to you. I knew you would get bored with me, I just thought you'd have the decency to tell me. Part of me is still extremely hurt and livid and wants nothing to do with you. Part of me wants to stay friends and help you through anything if you would let me - however I know I will lose it when you start dating someone new; which I'm sure won't be too long from now. I hate how unfair this is. I loved you. You look to other people to make you happy or to distract you from your own issues. Life doesn't work like that. You're never going be able to permanently fill that void with drugs like you tried in the past or with women like I believe you try to do now. Those butterflies and excitement or whatever will always fade away and you'll be left with the same problems you tried to push down and distract from. You will have to learn how to work through and cope with your issues before you'll ever really be happy. But it sounds like thats a lesson your not willing to address yet, I hope you'll consider it for the future. I agree with you that we are two different people; although I believe we have been since the beginning. I craved stability and honesty in a relationship. I wanted someone who was a friend and a partner. Someone who was ambitious and supportive who I could grow and build with. But also someone who could balance me out and go on adventures and be spontaneous and silly- and for those latter aspects you were beyond perfect. However I don’t think you wanted routine and stability, I think you enjoy the drama and chaos of nightlife and everything that comes with working at a bar. I think you see women as entertainment and temporary fixes to your problems, and you need constant company or your eyes start to wander. There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. And I guess there’s no way I could have predicted in the beginning that our lifestyles and ideal partners would have such vastly different needs. I wish by the time you realized this you communicated it to me so if there was any chance of making changes , the attempt could have at least been made and if it failed we could walk away knowing we both tried. A part of me still wants to believe this isn't real, that you are the genuine and kind person I thought you were. But I've seen now how manipulative you can be and how you play both sides. Maybe deep deep down some of that act is real. I am still extremely hurt and upset with you but With time I would like to be able to forgive you because holding on to anger only hurts ourselves. I saw those texts to her and it's like you're a completely different person. I think back to all the other sketchy things I found during the time we were dating and have to think she probably wasn't /isn't the only one. I'm hurt that you went behind my back when you didn't have to. I feel so invalidated and I wonder if any part of our relationship was real to you. I'd like to say I'm here if you need to talk, platonically of course, just for support. But I'm not ready to do that. I'm still too hurt. And I'm still hurt and betrayed that you're not the person you tried convincing me you were. Not that it would matter because you clearly didn't feel comfortable really opening up to me in the first place. I just wish I listened to my gut feeling because I knew you would get bored. I wish this hadn't ended as Badly as it did. I would like to say let's stay friends. The person you showed me is a special person and I'd to be able to stay in touch, however I know I will lose it when you start dating someone new; which I'm sure won't be too long from now. I hate how unfair this is. I loved you ****. I haven't been hurt this deeply before I wish you had done all of that reflecting weeks before all of this. You could have saved everyone from so much pain. You know **** I have pages on pages written about how much hurt you caused me but I don't think sharing that with you would do any good. Instead I hope you use this experience as an opportunity to learn something. You look to other people to make you happy or to distract you from your own issues. Life doesn't work like that. You're never going be able to permanently fill that void with drugs like you tried in the past or with women like I believe you try to do now. Those butterflies and excitement or whatever will always fade away and you'll be left with the same problems you tried to push down and distract from. You will have to learn how to work through and cope with your issues before you'll ever really be happy. But it sounds like thats a lesson your not willing to address yet, I hope you'll consider it for the future. I can't put into words how awful I feel. I am torn between agony , anger and denial. I still can't eat, I Havent slept since Sunday night, I almost had to call into work this morning because my face was too Swollen from crying for the past day and a half. I know you could care less about me. The only reason I'm telling you this is I still hold on to some shred of hope that maybe you're not the aweful person that all the evidence is reveling you to be , and maybe if you have any empathy you would learn from this and avoid hurting someone else in the future. I love the idea while I'm fucking sobbing over you you're out with some new girl, not wasting anytime in replacing me, not that I meant shit to you in the first place. You know, up until now I felt bad for you and was eating up all those lines you fed me about all of this being due to your depression that you weren't thinking and made a mistake . I thought Maybe you actually felt some remorse or you actually had some idea of the amount of pain you caused and were genuinely sorry. But I guess that's bullshit too since you turn your whole story around depending on who you're talking too. I am so grateful that the girl you decided to cheat on me with has been so open and honest with me. I have to say you have good taste, too bad you don't deserve either of us. I thought you would maybe learn a lesson from the hurt that you caused me; learn that you could have avoided all of this pain and loss if you were just honest. But no, you are continuing to lie to her and deny you have any idea what's happening so you're obviously familiar with this game. I wonder if you took me seriously, or if you even loved me at any point during this. Not that it matters now. I don't know you. You're not who I believed you were. I feel so betrayed and stupid for ever putting trust in you. I've spent most of the day outside of work and crying trying to process how I feel. Initially I was too hurt to put into words.Although after some light was revealed on who you really are and the additional actions you've been taking , I think I feel anger and regret for ever opening up to you. I am livid that you were able to go behind my back and try to set up a new relationship while we were still dating, I can't believe that you never communicated your feelings to me at any point during this. I am upset that you already moved on weeks before I was even informed. I have lost any respect I had for you. I don't know who you are, maybe I never did.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/16 anger

I really resent you for taking advantage of my empathy. I am so disgusted by your ability to just say whatever I (or HER for that matter) wants to hear with no meaning behind your words. I don't expect you to understand or even care about how you destroyed me. I wonder if you ever cared or took me seriously or even loved me at any point. Not that it matters now, I'm just going to assume all of your words and promises were hallow. I feel slimy for ever trusting you, opening up to you, sleeping with you. I don't know who you are. You're a stranger and you tricked me. I think I'm most upset because you got to prepare for this. You for to move on, checking out your options and you had a whole new relationship lined up before you Even told me our relationship wasn't working, let alone broke up with me. I hate that you can move on so easily, if not with HER then with some other girl. I cant help believe whatever I had with you was just hallow and meaningless to you. I'm fucking destroyed. And you clearly haven't learned anything Was any of this even real I don't think your sorry . I don't think k you know what sorry means. I think your sorry for yourself because your little backup relationship isn't gonna work out since you got caught . And you continue to lie to her so you obviously didn't learn shit I want to believe you when you tell me those lines that all of this is due to your depression and that you weren't thinking and made a mistake, but I feel so gullible and dumb for believing you in the past. So much more has come to light after this and I really wonder who you even are cause clearly I didn't know you and I obviously never meant shit to you. The worst part is some part of me still pities you and wants to help. You were trying to see her hours before you saw me on Saturday?? That's so low and slimy. I really didn't make you out to be this selfish and immature of a person.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/15 denial continued

I hate that that was the last time I will ever see you I don't want to smother you or bombard you with essay long texts. I know how annoying that is when it's coming from someone you're no longer interested in. I guess I'm just hurt and confused and I really really feel lost. I am trying so so hard to be okay. I haven't felt this awful in a long time, I don't even know how to pinpoint what I'm feeling exactly. I want to curl in a ball and die. It's so fucking hard pretending everything is okay. I'm honestly jealous that you got to prepare for this, that you got to call things off and move on. I dont know what I want anymore. I don't know how to be okay or hold myself together I can't eat, I Havent slept since Sunday night, I almost had to call into work this morning because my face is too Swollen from crying for the past day and a half and I can't stop myself from breaking down everytime you cross my mind. A part of me still hasn't accepted this isn't just a bad dream and that I'll see you this weekend and everything will be fine. I really had hope that this was going to work out long term. But I know that's never going to happen now, this will never be okay, I can't ever let me guard down again with anyone like I did with you. ...I can't stop thinking things over, trying to figure out where things went wrong , trying not to picture you all fucking smiles with that girl while I was awake worried that you were suicidal. I don't know how to be okay.... But On a less selfish note, It seems to me you try to use distraction to try to push down whatever's going on in your head and make you feel good. Maybe in the past it was drugs, maybe now it's new exciting girls, but eventually that sparkle of whatever is new and exciting will fade and those issues will still be there. I hope for your sake you're able to address them and find help instead of stuffing them down. I just wish I could have been enough to help support you through all that . I really want to hate you so badly, but I can't , I wish nothing but the best for you. I can't say enough how much I wish you would have told me earlier; told me at the point you were starting to gain interest in other girls. Maybe this could have worked then. Maybe it still would have failed but at least I would have known and could prepare myself. It makes me question all of those incidences where I found something sketchy and you just denied it and said you were faithful. It's not fair. You get to move on. It's not fair, you've moved on. You've been single in your head for a while now I guess; you told your friends months ago, you told that girl "a bit" ago. I guess I'm the last to know. I hate that you'll fill my place soon enough and forget about me. I hate that I believed you. I can't even think about starting over with someone new, going through this same cycle again. I hate that you've already had that opportunity. I should have known better. No one has ever hurt me this deeply . I craved stability, reliability and honesty in a relationship and I thought I could have that with you. I should have known that you needed action and change and late nights out at bars with your friends and I wouldn't be able to provide that excitement. I guess I could understand that you wanted a girlfriend who was local and could hangout at your bar or who had the same schedule as you. I'm hurt that you went behind my back when you didn't have to. I'm hurt that you didn't tell your friends about me. Im hurt that you continued to lie to that girl after you got confronted, maybe you won't take any lessons away from this. Regardless I feel so invalidated. I guess it makes sense why you never made any mention of me in the last few months on social media. I really do wonder how long you've been unfaithful in the emotional sense, maybe physical, I don't even know at this point. . You made such a huge impact in my life, I bet you won't even remember me. I don't know you , you're not who I believed you were. I gave you too much power over me, I got too attached and made you a priority when it was clear I wasn't a priority for you. I changed my schedule around for you. I have reminders of you all over my house. Now I get to pick up the pieces and just sit alone in the time I used to see you in. I loved you exactly how you are. I can't even go into the specifics without balling but you made me so happy. But maybe I never had the privilege of actually knowing you. I'm trying so hard to just stay busy at work but do you know how hard it was to work with clients in crisis and pretend everything's gonna be fine while im fucking dying inside?? And when I'm at home I can't stop thinking things over, trying to figure out where things went wrong , trying not to picture you with that girl, with whatever girl will take my place. I don't know how to be okay. I guess maybe I just envisioned what we had as ideal; were both busy people and we make time to see each other and have adventures but we stay independent. Routine is comfortable for me, boring is comfortable for me. By nature I am monogamous, i have no problem spending time alone or waiting a week to see someone.

[florrescentadolescent]

11/15/17 denial

I keep getting flooded with good memories of you, I'll never get that again. Some other girl will. I hate how much effort and hope I put into this and how it failed. I hate that I'm such a mess over this. It's never been this bad before I really don't know what to do I can't stop thinking about you; good memories and suspicions alike. I break down every fucking time you cross my mind. I'm torn between wanting you and wanting to hate you, but i can't have either. I hate this so much. But I am starting to see you're not the person I thought you were. Maybe I just look for the best in people and always give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't think you're a terrible person though, I just wish you hadn't hurt me so badly , I wish this could have been different. I wish I didn't have to see you in this light and lose you. Maybe it's because youre young and you still have some growing up to do as far as communication goes, I hope for your sake and for the sake of whoever takes my place you're able to learn from this.

[florrescentadolescent]

Breakup 11/14/17

Rip 4/11/17-11/14/17 . First post in a series of many many many . I just hurt a lot. I'm sorry I think this is particularly awful because you already have someone or maybe more then one backup lined up. You don't have to heal, you are all ready to just move on. It took me so so so much to move on and build myself back up after I was able to leave me ex.And that relationship was terrible. You were the first person I slept with in 6 months. It took me years just to get to that point. I just wanted to have a healthy relationship and be able to trust someone without second guessing them so badly. And for the majority of our relationship I actually trusted you enough to let go. I hate how this ended because I don't know how I'm going to recover from this, I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone again like I trusted you , just to be let down yet again. I want to hate you but I can't. I want to be with you but I can't. I just wish so badly things were different. I want to hate you so badly but I can't. The worst part is I don't want to stop talking to you. I don't want to lose you. I actually considered you one of my best friends regardless of how distant you felt toward me. You're still the only person I want. But again that would never work because you've moved on and don't want the same thing and I would never be able to trust you. I wouldn't be able to see you casually because I still am in love with you and it would sting like hell. But that never works out well especially considering you were ready to move on well before all of this. Idk what I'm trying to say or accomplish. I'm just really incredibly hurt. You get to be fine. You get to move on. You are surrounded by pretty new girls at your bar, online, I don't even know where they all come from. This isn't fair. I don't even want anyone else. Everything reminds me of you. I'm so stuck. You were the first person I started to trust after my ex fucked me over so badly. I really actually thought we had a deeper bond than this and that I could trust you. I hate how this ended so so much. and I'm sure you'll move on in no time Fuck

[florrescentadolescent]

d

Maybe. To be perfectly blunt, You've been flakey and shitty toward me in the past I'm over letting people treat me like that. I guess you can come over/we can hangout, but I don't see anything happening like it has in the past. If that's all you're looking for though and you're not interested in just hanging out that's cool too , I understand, but I'm not really down to be your booty call again. I don't mean that to sound bitter , I'm just trying to be upfront.

[florrescentadolescent]

I'd like to just be real with you. But every time I've tried in the past you either don't address the actual issue or ignore me. But I'll say it anyway; I lost a lot of respect for you that day. There was a point in time, not too long ago, that I really liked you. Liked you enough that I would have considered a relationship with you. You showed me that you're not capable of being faithful or loyal. Even when you post on social media how perfect your relationship is and your with her all the time, You're still trying to hit on me, and I can't believe I'm the only one. I can never trust you after seeing that. I would have given you the option to be my friend. For the last 9 years, up until that day, I did consider you a friend. However, it became abundantly clear you see me for nothing more then sex. When I wouldn't help you cheat of your girlfriend with me you removed me from your life, so it's obviously you only saw me in your life for one purpose. I really wasted too much energy on you. It hasn't all set in yet. But thankfully I'm starting to lose interest in you entirely. I should have recognized the same red flags in you that I saw in my ex. I hope you grow up one day. Your girlfriend deserves better.

[florrescentadolescent]

If I ever get the chance;

I feel like I've known you longer then anyone else in my life. But I don't know you at all. I don't know who you are. Nothing deep. If I ever get a chance with you again I'd like to get to actually know you

[florrescentadolescent]

I make everyone else fall for me at the drop of a hat; but not you. You're holding out on me. I don't know what those all girls have that I don't but I'm never enough for you. Maybe they're smarter and prettier and more interesting , idk. I wish I was enough. and it hurts cause I guess I want what I can't have , and I want you.

[florrescentadolescent]

Oh baby. We're equally responsible. Let's not play that game. We're there for each other when it works for us, and nothing more. and at this point in time ; that's perfect.

[florrescentadolescent]

You rember when you were a little kid and you'd get so excited over something you wouldn't be able to sleep the night before and you'd be up at the crack of dawn ready to go that morning? I guess that excitement just fades with the years. I want that back.