flowlingual

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It’s not my vibe. Sorry. Whyyyyyyyyy?!

If it your favorite book that’s great. I am not digging it.

(That why is rhetorical.)

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I dunno why my best friend never wants to see me.

Fucking depressing.

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“Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy, always.”

— S.C. Lourie

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I don’t think real people exist anymore. Prove me wrong. Show me someone who genuinely cares about others and doesn’t just do things for others because they’re getting something out of it.

Please. I just am giving up on humanity today. I am so fucking tired of myself and everyone.

[flowlingual]

You'll never find the same person twice, not even in the same person

People evolve. You might meet someone with the same heart, the same interests, the same way of seeing the world… but they’ll never be exactly the same. Pain changes people. Time rewires them. Experiences reshape how they love, how they trust, how they show up. And that’s what makes someone so unique. It’s not just who they are, but how they became that way. That journey, that depth, that quiet strength… that’s what captivates you. That’s what draws you in. Because it’s never just about the similarities, it’s about the soul behind them

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Slowing things to be good can be very scary but I feel like I got the biggest blessing today from a person I met recently.

Hopefully this will be the thing that helps turn me around. A reason to keep going.

It feels like a reason to keep going.

But my heart is aching so bad guys. More than anything i want to be sharing this with someone who doesn’t care about me enough to treat me right.

I still told them about it. Sometimes the heat is just a big giant mess I guess. Good can that up somehow. Two years in a row is way too much.

He literally told me the last one was to push me away. When someone owns up to their own passive aggression… But still doesn’t realize that’s what it is.

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I’m not doing so bueno. Like struggling to keep my head above water at all.

Barely sleeping out eating.

Charged up.

I’m just caught in trauma loops with someone and i hate it and my heart is wrecked.

2nd year in a row they moved someone into their house and are acting like we broke up all over again. Except they’ve been involved with me both times before hand. And then something triggers them and they flip out and “break up with me “ all over again even though like we are never officially dating. It’s like a date here or there. And not not just hanging out. There’s clear emotions and intimacy there on some of these like when he kissed me outside the theater and the tea shop.

Some people would call us friends with benefits, but it’s deeper than that.

I might have even been the first person he told this new development. Because I’m his person a lot of the time whether he would admit it or not. I do my best to support him and he me. And yes he has been seeing other people too some of the time at least… but why tf does he keep coming back. I wouldn’t even argue with it except when he acts like this it hurts so gd much i wanna unalive myself.

I can’t keep all this in or get it out.

My body just buzzes.

I don’t recommend falling in love deeply. Most people are pretty messed up and they will hurt you so bad and even when you do leave them its like you’ve died.

Your tree misses you.

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We’re talking about CPTSD and triggers today, while I’m triggered and spinning. I’m also on nerve pain meds and muscle relaxers and cannabanoids. And nicotine, praise the lord. Thanks gas station attendant who is also very stressed out. (I hope your week gets better. Fuck all them bills. I hope you can figure it out.)

Fuuuuuuck

Anyways…

The amount of triggers today. Nice.

First off all lots of ongoing issues, pain, emotional, mobility.

But then you add in a bunch of triggers. Which will require explanation because they are situational.

My aunt is in the hospital. Trigger one. Because i have to think about her. I have to feel bad for her. I do feel bad for her. And then I remember she could give one fuck less about me. That i asked her for help and she ignored me and didn’t even have the decency to tell me why, though I’d bet you it’s the old, “Your parents aren’t like that. I know them.” Yeah not as their kid. Just like Papa never acted up much around me but you’d tell me he’s a different person and i told you i believed you, but i still loved him and to not let him drown laying face up drunk in the rain.

So yeah… i hope she gets well, but thinking about her makes me irate.

I have an ill cat. My cat came ill, unfortunately. At my doorstep. Ignored by all the able bodied people who surely could do better by him. But I’m the only one who sees him and don’t want to let him die, i guess. And we’re still struggling. But about a month ago? A few weeks? I tried to get help finding him somewhere to go where he’d get better care. No one offered to help, except one person, a week later after i came up with a plan. She could have messaged me before that. For some reason she won’t talk to me unless i show up where she works and the last time, on my birthday, she avoided me.

So… 🤷 I hope she’s okay, but it feels personal.

Yeah. I did get him some help. I’m doing my best. But at the vet before we can’t even get blood tests before my mom is asking me if we should just put him down. Trigger related to other times she has put down animals I didn’t think were ready. (She’s doing her best, but i just don’t think they were easy, personally.) My friend while I’m asking for advice on giving the cat a pill because he’s being difficult and I’m struggling, suggests surrendering him. Like… are you kidding me. Big trigger to be explained

I mean the day i rescued him my mother was trying to convince me to put him down.

I fucking hate people. And alot of people want me to just not be an issue anymore too.

I hate people. Being ill and disabled doesn’t make you disposable.

And there’s also the trigger of i asked for that help and you said no and now i ask for different help later and you’re like hey want help with that other thing? No. I want help with the thing I’m asking for help with in the moment. Jesus. Like what?! I don’t understand that. Am I missing something? It just feels like they’re fucking with me to some degree. This is a consistent thing i deal with. With my own health as well. Months after something would be helpful people offer to help. I now need something different and they suggest the thing they previously wouldn’t help with but not the new thing, on repeat.

And then. Bless his heart because I’ll start out by saying he meant well. I guess everyone does, but i just… Don’t get it. This one got explained, though. Without me having to guess any.

So i call my best friend and am like I’m literally having a panic attack over this cat thing because I’m trying so hard and people suck. And he’s like i wish i could help.

So to me, i heard that as dismissal, too bad but i can’t help you at all.

What he meant was, i can’t help you right now because I’m at work, which i knew and thought did not need to be started, which is why iv assumed it was the other thing.

So i flipped out a bit in him as well before we got that worked out. There’s a reason this is a big trigger and it literally comes from him. We dated and broke up she i still needed help. And he used to get irate sometimes that he has to help me and would threaten not to ever again, knowing i was desperate. He was overwhelmed at the time, big time. But, the abuse was still fucking horrible and I’m pretty damaged from it. Thankfully he knows this and asked why i thought he was saying no altogether and said he’d help as much as he is able to.

And i went off on the friend who i do think is trying to be helpful but…. Just doesn’t understand my triggers and want getting how overwhelmed i was. Or maybe she is judging me. I mean who knows. I obviously suck at this because part of me thinks the waitress who avoided me but usually gives me hugs is kind of a friend. But honestly… I’m not sure i have any. Even the friend who explained things, though he tries his best, sometimes still treats me in ways that makes me feel like he looks down on me.

Y’all I’m not doing so good and tomorrow i have to be fine again. It’s awesome.

My mom doesn’t understand why I’m mad at the family, so she got mad at me about that earlier and called them her family, which i guess they are cause they aren’t mine. They sure as hell don’t act like family. They could give one fuck about what i have to say about anything and that’s on them. They expect me to understand the abuse they’ve dealt with but deny mine.

Addendum: I feel like I’m probably being a little mean to some people in this. Feeling they are out to get me some and like i Ray don’t know why my aunt won’t talk to me. I feel like if she’d ever tried maybe we could have worked through it. But at this point I’m so short with her I’m not sure that’s possible. So this addendum is me after calling down some, though I’m still spinning quite a bit. CPTSD is hell and I’m tired of feeling like the walking dead from just not being able to forget ash this awful shot and people not caring about the things i bring up. I’m not dating ash cptsd could be fixed by conversations…. But some of it probably could. It’s just that having the right conversation… where people validate each other and listen, where they don’t blame or become defensive… It’s not easy. It takes practice. Some of these people here know how to do that. One definitely doesn’t.

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It’s finding other people accessible mental health help when my needs are not accessible that is so frustrating.

But that’s life.

In the mean time I’m also missing cuddles over this, which sucks.

Can i please get a devoted partner? Please? Thanks.

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I think i finally got to the core of my sleep issues.

The only time i get ready and truly comfortable sleeping is in the day and only in a home alone or with animals i trust.

It’s because growing up and often as an adult, night time was the only time it was quiet and safe, but especially as a child. My parents are night sleepers. There was no arguing at night. There was no threat of spankings and grounding for simple mistakes. It was quiet. And i like that. That made me feel safe and that’s why that’s when my body wants to be alert and awake is because the quiet time is when the mice come out and play.

As a teen if i wasn’t in school i would sleep all day and spend my nights online talking to my internet friend in California (who genuinely is real despite my parents’ fears).

How do i turn days into peaceful times when they are swarming with the ignorant masses?

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“Wait for someone who bumps mouths clumsily with yours cos they’re too busy smiling to kiss you properly. Yeah. Wait for that.”

— Azra Tabassum

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“i think it’s attractive when someone texts you after hanging out just to say they had fun with you”

— Unknown

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my dad was outside feeding the slugs cucumber slices earlier

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This feels so Anne of Green Gables to me…

💛🩷💚

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Mongamous because putting up with one person and their bullshit is already more than enough thanks.

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I got to see my favorite person twice this week. And an old friend.

It’s dumb that i feel so lonely right now.