flutteringhoughts

[flutteringhoughts]

Sometimes I feel like I've wasted so much of my youth. It always seems like your school years should be fun and exciting, but I changed school in first grade and landed in a really toxic class far away from my friends. I spent at least five years being very unhappy and missing my friends back at home, and when things finally started to get better, I got left behind. Though I know a big part of it was my own fault. I spent one year desperately trying not to be ignored by my classmates and then now, in my last year, I'm completely alone. School haven't been a fun experience for my part, and it makes me regretful because I know that's the time when you should be young and free. It's still not completely over yet, but I really wish I could have gone to Hogwarts instead.

[flutteringhoughts]

Sometimes I just feel like I ruin everything I touch??

[flutteringhoughts]

London Dec 2016

Hello! Today I thought I’d write about my trip to London. I was actually going to write down all the things we did while we were there, but I never really had the time or the energy to do it. I kind of regret it now though, because it’s memories like these that I cling onto when pushing through school, so I thought that I’d write it down now instead, before I forget everything completely. 

I realize now, though, that this is going to be wayyy too long for my blog so I’ll just put a ‘keep reading’ here so that it doesn’t take up too much space. This is mostly for me to remember, after all!

So, me and my family took the plane from our hometown to the capital on the 8th of December, where we changed to the plane that would take us to Heathrow. We left at about 4 pm which means I had to skip my last class, and honestly, getting to leave early from school is one of the best feelings ever! We arrived in Heathrow at about 7 pm, and so we took the subway to Notting Hill where we were going to stay. I loved the apartment - it was very close to Portobello Road and had a very unique entrance! When you entered the house there was a small living room space right ahead with a tv and a sofa bed where me and my brother slept, and downstairs was the bathroom and the bedroom where my parents slept. Upstairs there was also an adorable little kitchen with a gas stove and huge windows that made the upstairs very bright. The apartment even had a roof terrace, which, unfortunately, was too cold to use, but I really just loved the look of it. 

So when we got there we basically just made a small dinner and went to bed. The next day was probably one of the nicest ones. You see, the winter weather in England always makes my head ache since it’s so humid and the cloudy sky is very bright, but the first and the last day of our trip were sunny and therefore my head didn’t hurt. 

However, first we made breakfast at home with the things me and my mum bought at an organic food shop nearby. Then we headed out early to take the underground to Oxford, where we looked at the christmas decorated storefronts. I’m not going to talk as if everything was perfect though, at one point we all were, for some reason, in a pretty irretable mood. And I don’t really know why, perhaps it was also because of all the people and new impressions, but I started to cry a little - and well, let’s just say that breaking down in the middle of the streets of London, in front of your whole family, is a little humiliating - especially if you’re someone who hates crying in front of people. I was very thankful when my mum decided to part and go in different directions to calm the situation. So, my brother and dad went of to somewhere else while me and my mum went to look at clothes at Forever 21, since I had mentioned earlier that I wanted to look in some clothes stores. We even got a blouse and a sweather for me there, which is unusual for me since I’m always hesitant when it comes to spending money. Then we started making our way to meet up with the rest of the family again, and on the way we saw a coupld of funny things like a santa on a tank. We also took a look in a super cute little alley where we bought two little mini cupcakes from a tiny store, and as we continued down the little road we reached an indoor square full of christmas decorated resturants, making it look a little like a magic fairy land! Though we had to turn back right away, because the others were becoming impatient. I really love doing things together with my mum, not only because it’s way easier to enjoy trips like this when you’re few, but also because we sometimes find and do impulsive things, like taking the boat to Camden even though we didn’t plan on going there.

We found my brother and my dad at a pub nearby the shop we were going to visit. They had already been looking at the display, so me and my mum went to see it by ourselves. The shop we were visisting was a bookshop with a museum on top where they displayed loads of concept art and props used in ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’, and even though I hadn’t seen the movie, nor read the Harry Potter books at the time it was still really cool to see! 

Somewhere inbetween, if I’m not mistaken, I think we also went to Japan Centre near Piccadilly Circus where we (finally!) bought some real chopsticks, I bought a magazine with Japanese fashion, and my brother bought a little basket with Asian snacks that he later were to give me for christmas(thank you!)~

When it started to get dark we made our way to Hyde park where they had set up a huge christmas festival called ‘Winter Wonderland’. There were lights and rollercoasters and music everywhere, and even though we didn’t go on any attractions, just seeing it was quite amazing. We ate dinner there as well - being able to eat outside in the middle of December was a funny feeling.

After that we went back to the house, changed and then me, mum and my brother went to see a play, while my dad went to a concert instead. We saw ‘The Tempest’ by Shakespear, and while it was interesting, I got very sleepy at the end and the fake thunder was a bit too loud for my liking. But despite me not being able to understand most of the manuscript, the actors were amazing! I was especially fond of Ariel, the air spirit, and the girl playing her.

On the second day we mostly stayed in Notting Hill. Since it was saturday, the market at Portobello road was up and running. First we ate breakfast at a café that me and my mum found last time we were in London, and then we proceeded to look at all the different stands and shops in the area. For example, my mum bought a christmas present for my dad in the bookshop from the movie ‘Notting Hill’, I took a peek in a really cute sweets shop called ‘Biscuteers’, and me and mum tried bubble tea at Bubbleology (it was weird). Then we also bought some cheap chocolate and christmas crackers at the pound store. When dinner time rolled around, we got a table at the Electric Diner before we went over to the Electric Cinema where we were going to watch ‘Rouge One’ later on. The Electric Diner is a resturant designed to look like a 60′s American diner, and they do have some good food! Though, as a vegetarian I usually have to get something like french fries and cheese. And even though it wasn’t as bad as when me and my mum tried to eat there last time, and we actually had to leave because it was too loud, the volume was still pretty high. After dinner we went over to the cinema next door and watched Rouge One while lying in the sofas in the front. I actually didn’t enjoy the movie as much as I thought I would - though it was very nicely done, there was simply too much action, and the story and characters were pretty flat. Towards the end I got so tired that I even dozed off a little, and I was quite disappointed when I realized I had missed the scene with princess Lea at the very end. Also, if you’re ever going to watch a movie at the Electric Cinema, I recommend you bring a pair of ear plugs!

On the Sunday, we started the day with a visit to Charles Dicken’s old house where we got a tour by his ‘maid’ who told us all about the family and the different rooms. We bought a few things from the gift shop, and then we made our way to Covent Garden where we ate a bit at a café called Patisserie Valerie. Then we went to Foyles bookshop, and then I think we accidently stumbled in on a gay pub, because later on a transvestite started performing. And while they were really good at singing and quite funny, me and my brother became a bit uncomfortable so we left soon. Me and my bro stayed at home that night while our parents went out to eat at another pub. 

The Monday was the last day for my dad since he was going home a day earlier than the rest of us, so the first thing we did, I think, was to go to the ‘Forbidden Planet’ comic shop. We also got some pills for my aching head, which thankfully got better after that. After quite some time at the comic store, we met up with my mum and went to the National Gallery where we actually didn’t look at the paintings, but had a coffee and bought some christmas decoration in their gift shop. My mum and I had been there the year before, so we had already seen the paintings and we knew that they had some really cute decorations for sale. After that we took train to Kew where we first looked a bit at the very idyllic, christmas decorated shops, and then went to the gardens where looked at the christmas lights. I also got to taste roasted chestnuts for the first time! Then we went to a little pub where we had dinner, and after that we went back.

On tuesday morning we followed my dad to the underground station where he took the subway back to Heathrow, and then we made our way to the Old Spitalfields Market. This market was probably my favourite of the ones we had been to. We bought some really good English fudge, a The Tempest-themed poster, and then we had some crêpes at the ‘Crepe Affaire’. When we were done at the market we went back to central London again where we visited an ice rink, just to see the Londoners and their poor skating-skills, and then we walked the bridge over to the South Bank, just to have a look around. Then we went to Waterstones to have some afternoon tea and look at books, and then we walked through China town where we bought some take away noodles for dinner. This was, as well as the first day, probably my favourite day of the ones we were in London, much because the weather was so nice!

On the last day, we packed our things and headed to the same café as before to get some breakfast, and then we took the train to Heathrow from where we flew back home. And even though it’s always sad to leave London, it was a lot easier to leave knowing that christmas and all of christmas break layed in front of us when we came home~

Jeez, it took me several hours to write all of this down! But these trips are very precious memories to me, and I don’t want them to all become blurs in my memory that are near impossible to revisit! So, I’ll probably come back later to add a couple of photos, but for now - goodbye!

[flutteringhoughts]

A little update 29/01 - 2017

Hello!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written here now, so I’m just stopping by to write a bit about my weekend, because it was quite nice! Last friday was the memorial day for the Holocaust, which of course, isn’t very fun, but a very important and meaningful day. So on this day there was a lecture arranged for all the ninth graders in my area where they talked about statistics and a few people who survived Auschwitz. This was really interesting and a great way to teach us about past happenings, but it’s not really what I’m here to talk about. Since we were on this lecture at the local university our usual classes were cancelled, and after those classes we have an almost 2 hours gap in our schedule, so I thought I’d have lunch in town. However, it turned out my friends from another school were at this event as well, and so I could have lunch with them instead of eating alone! These friends are my old classmates from when we were younger and before I moved, and they are pretty much the only friends I have at the moment. The holocaust-lecture ended with a quite funny, yet insightful, play, so we left in a good mood. Then me, my friends and a couple of other girls from their class took the bus back into town and had burgers at a fast food resturant. I’ve only met these other girls a couple of times before, but they’re really nice and easy to talk to! I had a vegetarian burger of couse, since I’m vegetarian, and we just had a really good time. Actually, I really love veggie burgers, because they don’t give you that same kind of heavy fullness that meat does, and that’s just perfect for me. Though I think my digestive system is still kind of messed up, because I remained full for another 7 hours after this... Anyways, after that I had to get back to school to attend my last class, which I actually sneaked out of a couple of minutes earlier to catch the early bus home, but I don’t think anyone noticed hehehe. That’s one of the few good things with being invisible - no one notices if you’re not there.

So, despite me slipping on my way to the bus and scratching a hole in my jeans, as well as in my knees, I had a very nice day. The weather were also a reason to my good mood - sunny days always makes me happy! 

Yesterday was a sunny day as well. I didn’t really do much, though I did put on a cute outfit and a bit of extra makeup and did a little photoshoot in the nice lightning of my room. I also got plenty of sleep, yet awoke quite early, which is another thing I love. Then I even made a proper lunch, and for once it kind of felt like I had my life together, haha! I went grocery shopping with my dad as well, and then we ate an early dinner (to us, at least, it was early) since my parents were going to see a show in the evening, leaving me alone at home. And yes, I do have a brother, but he was staying with a couple of friends over the weekend. I usually feel a little bit scared being home alone when it’s dark outside, so I mostly stayed in the living room with the lights, tv and the radio on. Though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate being alone - it gives me time to practice singing and acting undisturbed. I also successfully made frozen yoghurt for the first time! If you’d want I could share the the recepie, but I doubt anyone will read this except for me, haha.

Today I’ve done even less than yesterday, but that’s what sundays are for, aren’t they? I finished painting the wall in my room, as well as recording it for my little speed paint video, and then I finished a little doodle I started yesterday. I’m planning on finishing one of my digital art pieces to day as well, and hopefully fixing that hole in my jeans before I forget about it! 

[flutteringhoughts]

My mum slipped on the ice, hit her head, got memory loss and had to go to the hospital. Now that's a good start on 2017

[flutteringhoughts]

Me, trying to open up to my friends: I feel sad

Them: aw :(

Me: okay I'm never doing that again

[flutteringhoughts]

A good day

Today was a good day, and I want to write it down so that I can remember it later on, as well as sharing it with you! 

At the beginning of this semester I joined a theatre group, something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, and today I met them outside of theatre practice for the first time. Our group is very small, only five people including me, and we get along very well! Of course we’ve spoken to each other before outside of our lessons, but we’ve never hung out everyone together like this. What made me especially happy is that I feel like I actually have a couple of friends. This is something that have been bugging me for a while now, and put me in quite a depressing mood this last half year. Aside from my theatre group, which I still don’t know that well, I only have about three or four friends that I meet very rarely since we don’t go to the same school. Anyways, I have a feeling I will be ranting about this some other time when I’m feeling sad, but today I want to focus on the positive!

So, maybe I should introduce the members of our group to you? I could describe them and give them nicknames - quite mysterious, isn’t it? Haha~

Okay, I’ll give you a short summary of my new friends. Let’s see... There’s Harley - she’ve got blue hair and is a bit of a tomboy. She listens to all kinds of strange music, though that is something I appreciate! But well, let’s just say that some of it is a bit too edgy for me, haha. She loves DC, especially the Joker and Harley Quinn. She’s a capricorn and is one year older than me. She’s quite outgoing and takes every chance to stand in the spotlight, and she also loves to complain about how early she have to wake up to go to school.

Then there’s Destiny - she’ve got dark red hair and a very strong eyebrow-game! She’s a Taurus and the same age as me. She’s kind and quite funny, though I can’t help but notice that she’s a bit stiff at times. I like her, but just like with Harley I don’t think we click perfectly. That isn’t something you have do to be friends, though! I’m more than happy to have someone to hang out with. I can totally see her being a host for some tv-show in the future.

There’s also Hermoine, whom I really like! I guess you could say I have a bit of a friend crush on her, haha. The reason I chose Hermoine as her name is her love for Harry Potter, which I’m now sharing with her since I got the first Harry Potter book for christmas(which I love, by the way!!). When I first met her, I thought she was going to be a bit sniffy, since she have been doing theatre a lot longer than the rest of us, but it turns out that she was probably just shy, and she’s actually very modest. I feel like we’re quite alike, and we have a lot in common! For example, she likes to draw, just like me (and she’s fantastic at it, too!), and she has the same weird taste in music as I do, which is something I’ve never experienced before! She’ve got brown, quite short hair and is the same age as me. I really look forward to getting to know her better! (PS. I was just going to look her up in our towns school year book, and I opened up the right page at once! Is this a sign??)

And lastly, there’s Rose. She’s two years older than me, but that’s certainly nothing you think about much. She’s very cheerful, which I like, but I’ve noticed that probably all of us thinks her sense of humor is, well, maybe not the best, and she can almost be a bit ...intrusive? She have very recently moved here from the south, so I can understand that she’s a bit desperate to make friends. I do like her though! I’m just being honest about my thoughts, really.

So, after a unnecessarily long description of my theatre group, let’s get on with the day, shall we? I and Harley met up in town at 11:40, since we take the same bus. A bit later we met Destiny, and lastly Hermoine and Rose. We wandered around the shops in town for a bit, and then we took the bus to a big mall a bit outside of town. We didn’t do much there, really. We looked in a game store and at toys at Toys”R”Us, just for fun. I and Hermoine fangirled a bit about Harry Potter, and then we looked in a book store to see if we could find the second book for me. Though they didn’t have the right version so I’ll have to buy it later. Then we bought some frozen yoghurt and sat down to talk, which was very nice. We haven’t known each other for a long time, but we chatter like we’ve been together for ages! After that, at about 3 o’clock, Hermoine and Rose had to leave, and me, Destiny and Harley went to Destiny’s house. It turned out that Destiny have 4 cats and one adorable dog, and as the animal lover I am, I was pleasingly surprised. Since we are all theatre kids, we played an improvisation game for a while, where we had to act out a scene together using a plot description and one random line each. Then we went out to buy ingredients for our dinner - we went with taco which is a good dish for me since I then can choose not to eat meat. Then we got back to the house, prepared, and ate dinner. Afterwards we continued with our game, but me and Destiny got quite tired quite quickly. Though it turns out that Harley is one of those people who have to do activities all the time, so we put on Let’s Dance on youtube and danced for a while. Then me and Destiny practically collapsed on the couch - we had been up and about for almost 8 hours, after all.

We also played a game of Truth or Dare, and both Destiny and Harley really opened up about themselves. They told me, and eachother, about their problems and struggles with body image, bullying, exes and such. And even though I wanted to open up too, I couldn’t. I actually think that might be one of the reasons I have such a hard time making close friends. I’ve always had a hard time telling others about my feelings, mostly because I don’t want to throw my problems at people, but maybe also because I don’t want others to see me as weak. And well, that’s why I made this blog, after all. Anyways, both me and Harley left at about half past 7. After Harley had left, me and Destiny agreed that Harley is a very energetic person. I consider myself an energetic person too, but not in the same way. I’m very happy and cheerful and usually become very hyper when talking to people, but that drains my energy and then I have to recharge. Harley, on the other hand, is calmer but doesn’t want to sit still for long. It’s interesting how different people are, isn’t it?

Well, I think that will be all for today. Now, excuse me while I finish my cheesecake and read the last bit of my book *sniffles*. Then I really have to go to bed, because I’m exhausted. Well then, I’ll see you soon!

[flutteringhoughts]

Tales of a wallflower

…is a name that would quite accurately describe what this blog will be about. Unfortunately, that name has already been chosen, just like most clever urls here on Tumblr. But after tries and tries, I finally found a decent url. Though I can’t promise that I will never change it, of course.

However, the url of this blog isn’t what is important - that would be the content. So what will be the content of this blog, you ask? Well, the answer to that would be… me. Basically, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. My mind is always full of them, swirling and twirling, just waiting to be expressed. The problem is just that I don’t have anyone to talk to. Sure, I’ve got my art and my music and my poetry and photography and theatre… but it’s just not enough. I’ve tried writing in a diary, several times even, but it just never goes very well. Have you read ‘Girl Online’ by Zoe Sugg? Because that describes it quite perfectly - it just feels pointless to write page after page about something that noone will ever read. Don’t get me wrong, I’m starting this blog for my own sake, but it just feels tidier and easier to keep it on a blog than in a diary. And let’s be real - sure, writing by hand is way more charming and classic, but after a while your hand starts to ache, and then you’ve barely even come halfway with what you want to write! So writing on the computer is clearly a lot easier.

Going back to the topic, I want to be able to write about myself. My thoughts, my worries, my struggles, my dreams, my hopes - everything! I want to be able to complain and be dramatic and express myself without having to worry about what anyone else thinks. And that’s also why this blog will be anonymous - because I want to be able to be completely honest. So, I will write about those things, as well as my everyday life and moments that I want to remember. And all of this will be for my own sake, not anyone else’s. Though if someone actually found what I have to say interesting enough to read, that would be nice. Honestly, I’m surprised you, whoever you are that is reading this, have made it this far! Thank you for taking your time to listen to - I mean read - my blabbering.

I think that’s a big enough wall of text for this time - I actually do feel a bit lighter after getting that out of me! I look forward to writing more on this blog. I’ll see you soon!