flyhighbrokenheart

[flyhighbrokenheart]

[flyhighbrokenheart]

December 18, 2021 Saturday

I’m sitting here trying so hard to keep my tears from falling while my heart is hurting because you, dad, your love is transactional. I realize now why it makes me so upset when my bf don’t recognize the amount I spent on him. I don’t feel love when he doesn’t notice because of you. You’re so kind to me when I buy you something you want. When I don’t, you push me to the side. Brother decides to buy you new shoes and you treat him so well and treat me like poop. You treat him well all the time, but when he got you new shoes, you just started treating me worse. How? How can you do that to me? How can you treat the boys so well, show them so much love and then there’s me? How? You just laugh when I bring it up to you. How can you just laugh? You know it’s true but don’t care enough to make me feel loved. I grew up needing love. It’s ok though. My heart hurts but when does it not? Thanks dad.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

“I can’t give you what you need”

[flyhighbrokenheart]

I said I have to go to the doctors now, I lost feeling in my pinky toe. I think i have cancer and you just laughed. You just laughed. Ok.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

I haven’t gotten flowers in a while. The last time I got it was my birthday, before that I really don’t remember when the last time I got flowers was. It’s ok. I’m used to it. I see guys getting their girlfriend flowers and it makes my heart ache a little but it’s ok, I hope the boyfriends keep doing it for their girlfriends, I hope they continuously put effort and try to make her feel loved. I don’t know what that’s like anymore but it’s ok. My heart hurts all the same.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

November 22, 2021 Monday

Last night when I was driving home, stuck at the light, this guy made a u turn to talk to me🥺 I ended the night with a sad smile, and it was from a stranger after my boyfriend making me cry.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

November 22, 2021 Monday

I had just ran to the bathroom bc my little brother just got out and my older brother was unlocking the door to come inside. I didn’t want him to go inside bc i was suppose to shower after my little brother got out. It was still early. When I was brushing my teeth, my older brother texted me to hurry tf up and I always do this shit when I just got in BC I couldn’t use it before? After I went out to get my clothes, he goes in and when he leaves, he leaves the faucet running. What a douche. I go back inside and he texts me how effing annoying I am and go hurry the eff up and how he’s going to tell my mom tomorrow. Ok? You know she’s always going to be on your side. They’re always going to be on your side. Always will defend you even when you do things to intentionally hurt me. They make me feel crazy and bad for feeling the way I do towards you. You treat me like shit. You’ve never been a brother to me. When we were kids, you would beat me up. Punch me, make me fall to the ground, pull my hair, anything that would hurt me, you would do. You’ve never taken care of me once, it was always the other way around. The dinner my godmom was taking us out for was for my birthday yet you still had it in you to yell and scream at me saying everything is my fault and that I ruin everything bc I wanted to go to see grandparents bc they gave me money for my birthday. It was for my birthday. How did I ruin my birthday dinner for you? It was suppose to be my birthday and you had me crying. You made me feel guilty for your actions when I was only trying to please everyone. I ran to my room and screamed I hated you and cried and cried after I had just gotten ready. Few weeks ago with me in your car bc our parents told you to take me home with you and you ran a stop sign without slowing down. You tailgated people. Other times I had to be in your car, you wouldn’t let me roll the windows down bc it was 90+ degrees and you wouldn’t turn on the ac when I asked. You got mad and sped. Last week my little brother texted you and asked if you could buy tacos for the family and you texted him back saying you’ll get it for everyone except me. My little brother proceeded to text you that I wanted some too and you texted back saying you already said not for me. What did I do to you that you hate me so much? All I ever did was be there for you, hugged you while you cried, loved you, get you shoes, food. Why do people treat me so bad? Is it me? Mom and dad defended you and your words and actions saying there’s no way you could ever be like that and if I keep feeling and being distant, it’s my fault. That no wonder we aren’t talking is BC of me, bc I’m disant. It’s my fault we aren’t talking. How can they keep defending you? Last time I told my mom how my towel keeps having blood stains on it even though I had just washed it. She said it’s like that it’s not blood. I said I had just washed it, it’s the same as last time. I just wanted her to tell you or my little brother to stop using my towel but instead she said to bring my towel in my room then so they wouldn’t use it. Her solution was to have me remove my towel like it was my fault I had it there. That was a stab to the heart. I didn’t get it. I still don’t get it. I don’t get anything. I don’t understand any of it. My heart just hurts so much and I don’t have anyone to talk to. My aunt treats me like shit too and I don’t know why. Why does she consistently throw jabs at me? She uses me whenever she’d like. My cousin texts her now and I guess she gets to throw me away right? I’m not disposable. Why does everyone treat me like that? My heart hurts so much, I just wanted one person to love me, just one person. All I ever needed was one person. I just needed one. I don’t have anyone.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

November 22, 2021 Monday

“You should no longer be distant tomorrow because I’m giving you time.” Lmao ok. Guess everything is always on your terms. I can’t feel anything unless it’s on your terms right? You hurt me and expect me to not be distant? I told myself after I drove away that I’d never let anyone in again. You never try to understand me. It’s always about you. You always, and I mean always, bring it back around on me. “Well you did this.” Ok. I’m sorry I didn’t know I was addressing myself. I’m the one that was suppose to be upset but then you started crying. Bro please. Ok. I don’t get it? Why do you do that? You don’t try to understand me. You just get angry. You don’t listen. You’ve said some things that hurt me because you didn’t listen. I just wanted you to talk to me calmly and listen. I just wanted you to listen. I just wanted to feel safe. I just wanted to be able to talk to you of why I felt the way I did. I just wanted it to be a safe spot for me to talk and express how I felt. But you got angry and impatient so my heart started hurting and I got angry so I wouldn’t have to feel sad. And today I confirmed that I said we are ok, but I never said don’t text me an apology and then you bring up how I swore and what about what I did? Sigh. I only swore we were ok, not that you couldn’t text me an apology. And really? Me again? Why do you always insist on turning it around on me? You broke my heart again. I’m done with everyone and everything. I don’t ever want anyone near my heart again.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

November 21, 2021 Sunday

You’re sleeping while I’m sitting in the car crying. Just like the beginning, except you were out, betraying me and having fun while I was crying myself to sleep. You didn’t care then. You don’t care now. “Nobody’s going to look at you! Who would look at you!” God you sound like my parents. “Who would ever want to look at you? You’re nothing.” You swore you’d always protect me, but you’re only hurting me. You broke my heart and I still don’t know why. You said you loved me, so why did you do it? I still don’t get it. I don’t ever want to let anyone in again. My heart hurts. My heart is hurting while you’re asleep. Texted me goodnight ily be safe like you care. How can you do that? How can you sleep knowing I’m not ok? How are you able to do that? Bc i can’t. My heart hurts so much

[flyhighbrokenheart]

October 3/4, 2021 Sunday/Monday

I am done chasing people. I am done loving so hard. I am done giving all of me. I am done trying.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

It’s my birthday. I woke up to no messages. No matter how many people I tell about my birthday, whether it’s a week before, a month before, I’m always forgotten. It’s ok though, I’m used to it. I’m learning to celebrate myself so I got myself tickets to somewhere I’ve been wanting to go :)

[flyhighbrokenheart]

September 23, 2021 Thursday

Well it’s my birthday. My heart just hurts. He ignored me. I thought maybe he would text happy birthday at 12, but he didn’t. He just ignored me. Happy birthday.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

It’s not that we have hope — we shelter it.

John Berger, From A to X: A Story in Letters

René Wiley/Fire in the Sky//René Wiley/Turquoise House//Jennifer McChristian/Versailles Launderette//Tibor Naggy/A Red Glimpse//Matthew Snowden/A Crashing Wave//Chin h Shin/Rainy day Walkers//René Wiley//Before Breakfast//Chin h Shin/Winter Reflection//Michael O'Toole/Road to Charlevoix

[flyhighbrokenheart]

“Loving you was like going to war, I never came back the same.”

— Warsan Shire (via thehopefulquotes)

[flyhighbrokenheart]

August 28, 2021 Saturday

You don’t have to ignore me. You could just let me know if you don’t want to talk to me or could just read the message. I love talking to you, but I won’t ever beg again for you to talk to me. I am worth it. I will forever be worth it. If you can’t see that, it’s ok. I’ll be fine.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

August 12, 2021 thursday

I feel so stupid. He made plans with me tonight but ditched me and went out with his friends. It hurts. It hurt when my boyfriend did it to me and now it hurts when my friend does it to me. Is there something wrong with me? Is it because of me? Just let me know so I can fix it. I can fix it.

[flyhighbrokenheart]

It’s been me against the world since I can remember.