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this is social anxiety summed up in two gifs

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#bearjew #donnydonowitz #aldoraine #ingloriousbastards #tarantino #debestmovieeva 👌

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If you’re not doing anything, why not get a degree as a stylist?  Open up a shop, build a respectable list of clients and then one day, you do that thing where you purposely struggle to even out someone’s sideburns.  You trim one side, then the other.  You frown.  You squint your eyes. 

"Hmmm…"

Then you trim again: back and forth, higher and higher until the two sides meet at the top of the customer’s head, creating the classic “headband of baldness” effect.

He’s livid, of course, but you calmly explain that the haircut was done as a strange joke inspired by a recent lottery win.  You go on to say that you’re a millionaire and that you’d like to give him a few thousand dollars for being a good sport about the bad haircut.

"Well, okay."

You pay him and as soon as he leaves, your stomach sinks because you didn’t win the lottery.  It was a lie and the stupid check you wrote him will surely bounce.  After trying and failing to win last minute on a handful of scratch off lottery tickets you decide it’s that magical time to fake your own death.

The car lights on fire pretty easily, but the whole thing heats up faster than you expect.  Within seconds, it becomes impossible to manually push the flaming car into a ravine.  Plus, you left it in park.  In a panicked, Plan B you heave your body against a tree until you lose consciousness.  A hiker finds you the next day.

"Ugh!  I was in a car accident and I hit a tree!”

"But the windshield isn’t broken."

"I must’ve rolled out the door sideways and then rolled forward!  Ugh!  I don’t remember anything!”

"Something’s not right," says the hiker. 

And so you try to kill the hiker by chewing through his ankle, but your teeth struggle to break through the fabric of his jeans, which provides him ample time to hammer you in the head with his aluminum water bottle.

At your funeral, your family comments on how nice it was for the mortician to use a skin-colored spray-paint to cover up the piece of loose denim trapped in your frozen jaws.

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#myday

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WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Meep morp meep meep morp.

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If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be “The Gardener”, ’cause I’d always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.

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Suppose an evil king decides to do a twisted moral experiment on you. He tells you to kick a small child really hard, right in the face. If you do, he will end the experiment with no further damage. If you refuse, he will kick the child himself, and then execute that child plus a hundred innocent people. The best solution is to somehow overthrow the king or escape the experiment. Assuming you can’t, what do you do? There are certain moral philosophers who would tell you to refuse. Sure, the child would get hurt and lots of innocent people would die, but it wouldn’t, technically, be your fault. But if you kicked the child, well, that would be your fault, and then you’d have to feel bad about it. But this excessive concern about whether something is your fault or not is a form of selfishness. If you sided with those philosophers, it wouldn’t be out of a concern for the child’s welfare - the child’s getting kicked anyway, not to mention executed - it would be out of concern with whether you might feel bad about it later. The desire involved is the desire to avoid guilt, not the desire to help others. We tend to identify guilt as a sign that we’ve done something morally wrong, and often it is. But guilt is a faulty signal; the course of action which minimizes our guilt is not always the course of action that is morally right. A desire to minimize guilt is no more noble than any other desire to make one’s self feel good at the expense of others, and so a morality that follows the principle of according value to other people must worry about more than just feeling guilty.

Scott Alexander (via cyborgbutterflies)