fmddoyoung

[fmddoyoung]

inyeong​

for the past few days, inyeong knows she’s carried a different aura around with her. the mere thought that this could be a result of the loss of virginity has her mentally rolling her eyes – it’s not that so much as everything else that came after. the leaving, the apology, the fucking fruit basket. she carries anger around with her, which is not much of a change except this time it’s a different part of her that was affected. inyeong is often so worried about her public image, about what fans and the general public might think or feel when it comes to her, that she’s ignored what it feels like to be personally slighted. it’s a door that’s opened into the corners of her mind where she had shoved so many words thrown at her through the years. inyeong’s spent so long trying to weaponize herself she no longer knows how to deal with the consequences of being a victim of someone’s else’s mistakes.

she realizes then she doesn’t want to talk about menial topics. there’s no interest in her head for pleasantries and tiptoeing around her true feelings. there’s no care for their public presence – people are far enough away they would not listen, and if they do, what would it matter? so much, her mind offers, but inyeong pushes is aside. “oppa,” inyeong starts, gaze fixed on her nails as the tap against the table. “have you ever fucked someone, left as soon as possible then apologized with a fucking fruit basket?”

he won’t be able to forgive himself if he let inyeong down, maybe because they’re more than just the funny and innocent bickering they had become known for in their public friendship. it’s because she reminds him that this industry had exhausted him. it was more than that, more than feeling alone, or that decipher had taken too much out of him. he forgot who he was. it’s very round a bout to say a girl gave that back to him, maybe it laid too much on her shoulders, but he couldn’t resist that feeling.

her words are shocking, so much that he must smother down any instincts to visibly react just in case she felt embarrassed. if she suddenly stopped sharing these things with him he would feel even worse than he did now, teeth gritting and eyes widening as he gawked at her statement. “what?” he grunts it out, “are you joking?”

something grave in him knows she isn’t. “did some guy do that to you?” the bloodlust to murder is down on the cuff, put out for now so he can keep her with him instead of defensive. “are you, wait, a fruit basket?” he closes his eyes, “if you want to talk about it, i think i need more details. before i end my long and dry career in murder.” it’s a joke, he smiles, but the muscles in his forearms jump and the protective, disbelieving scoff can’t be misread.

[fmddoyoung]

taejin​

“that’s not what i meant.” laughter hugs his voice, a small step back for the words overshot in a haze. “i always enjoy any time where it’s just us two. just wish we were back in seoul instead of some random hotel room.” now, it’s the truth that escapes his own mouth when the comfort coming in leather sofas of his crisp interior paint the picture of home more than the meager walls of some four star hotel they’re subjected to. but for the sake of now, taejin bites back his own reservations. lets himself bask in the moment — if not now, he doesn’t know when the next time they’ll share the few moments of solidarity together.

there’s ignorance when he brushes off the statement, blatant in the repetitive circles they’ve drawn for themselves. thirty-somethings on the brink of exhaustion, and taejin’s left with a body skimming towards exhaustion and the inherent pull of alcohol down his throat. 

still, taejin pretends like he doesn’t know, taking another sip down. “you sure bc’s a sea of pretty faces?” an arch in his brow, and plucking out the humor becomes a coping mechanism. “do as they tell you, and all will come easy. at least, that’s what bc’s preached back in 2008. yet, i think they forgot to let us know that we’d still be here ten years later following the same routine over and over again.” 

but before he can finish, flattery’s never been his strong suit. so, taejin hides inside another subtle tilt of his head, eyes closed with the imagination painting a picture of unattainable futures lest of hopeless dreams he knows won’t ever come to fruition. “i’ll continue to act, the only thing i know. marriage too far off into the horizon — but, i could wait a few years only to find out my father wants me to take over the family business. there’s no certainty in tomorrow, at least that’s what i’ve come to accept. but one thing i’m willing to bet my money on is that i’ll always have you. after all, how else would i have managed all these years inside bc?”

“only because i actually care about decipher.” he admits that most of bc’s producers, outsourced or in house, seem to think decipher isn’t capable of matching up anymore. comeback after comeback they get more and more stiff and less trendy. it feels intentional now, like bc wasn’t taking them seriously. “they treat us like we’re too old to chase trends now, like they think we should be singing at retirement homes with some of these comebacks.” polishing off his drink, he stands and stretches, remains standing near for the remainder of the night. he won’t tell taejin that he’s bored out of his mind, it doesn’t even matter. “at least i can try. understand what we’re good at.”

he turns back to look at taejin when he’s countered and rebuffed, taking careful satisfaction in the laughter, even though he’s concerned and perhaps even a little jaded. “after 10 years, at least it’s comfortable.” the smile he revises is genuine, muted to mild. 

maybe bc had given up on them, but it is mildly reassuring that they weren’t giving upon each other. hopelessly tied together since the beginning, a well founded and unyielding friendship. not even the communication troubles will stop it tonight. he isn’t in the mood to argue, so he won’t. not even as taejin tenaciously ignores him, the implications of their year long circles, coming up empty like all the bottles that taejin will collect by the end of the night. 

“that’s why they don’t like me, after all. i’m a walking example bc made for what happens when you’re not the delicate perfect bc child.” if he weren’t much worse at taejin than handling liquor he’d have another just thinking of his unfortunate life.  

“imagining you settling down is too inconceivable for me.” shivers fetch through him and he props against the near surface to steady, “besides, business? that’s what you’ll do after decipher? i can’t imagine what we’ll do when we don’t have this. even if it means our 3rd time in taiwan in as many weeks, it’s still better than the opposite. the nothing.”

the nothing terrifies him.

[fmddoyoung]

with: @fmdinyeong.

fixing himself next to her is an installment of solidarity in itself. that they set in public and the glass around them doesn’t obscure their meet, or the coffee and pastries; yet he smiles at her, sturdy, safe smile. those who had seem them together now in public knew of them and at least the rumors were never wholesome. it was something he could work with. was comfortable with. being a brotherly figure is these days is a far cry from the days bc entertainment commanded him hardly to show his face, that their apprehensions couldn’t be contained and his image was paused with dread. now he’s seen in public with a girl. it’s a pleasant feeling, complex but view finding. his grin is spurred with affection, “we haven’t met in public for a long time.” he sips his coffee and keeps his forearms rested on the table. “what’s going on in your life now?”

their age might have had something to do with it. too many years between them so that they’d become an unrealistic duo. the one way in which is age blatantly works against him rather than for him. “i rarely talked with you in the month.” his tone brings for complex expectation and some hope for good news not bad.

[fmddoyoung]

[fmddoyoung]

taejin

“they’re always bored of us, but why bother when they have knight and charm to replace us?” the rim of his glass rests upon his mouth, two taps of his fingers against the glass before he clean-cuts the remains. “if i’m being honest — i’d prefer they just not promote us all than have us in taiwan. would make scheduling a lot easier. i can’t even remember the last time i’ve had a free break.” and it slips before he can catch himself, the catch-22 of his own career: a busy solo schedule bleeding guilt for the members who bc hasn’t extended their condolences towards. 

but he knows, his back of his parents and the public praise of a clean image feed into the opportunities he’s been given (still, guilt clings close to home). “who goes to vacation to the same place in the past week?” taejin flits away the subject to another topic, eyes aimed straight towards the bottle calling his name for round four. “drink too much, i don’t know of a concept — i think this kind of thing is inevitable when we turn thirty. what else are we supposed to do? sit around and play video games — we maxed that out when we were doing why so serious.” a brisk chuckle, and in comes the flow of amber whisky falling straight to the glass. his eyes follow the trail, only to halt his movement at the question posed.

dissatisfaction, and it comes in waves. “idol-actors. that’s what i’m unsatisfied about — being looped into these mediocre actresses and actors thinking everyone should bow down to them when they’re complete trash.” his lips thin out to a mere smirk, one he knows doyoung can read the implications of. “so talented and professional, yet they come off robotic on screen. and then, they expect me to know their name? pathetic.” 

he’s good. he is. excess thoughts are easy to hang up on, like a drying rack with too much weight at least it’s light when all that evaporates. doyoung manifests a smirk, crossing his ankle over thigh and as always contributing modest affection to his gaze when it came to his leader and very long time friend. “you only like the era’s i help produce.” a bouncing nod and approving slow blink, “at least you still have taste.” 

the complaints don’t fall on deaf ears, but register in feverish shades of green, muddy red and yellow, mashed together to make something sad, unpleasant just like the sound he made and tone of his voice; “yeah...” comes the muted feedback, really all he has to add. it’s more interesting to talk about taejin’s own career and the stark contrasts. it brings forth an array of disappointment in bc for overworking the man at his side and more consideration for how much different this must be for taejin than himself. their careers were so different despite being in the same group. doyoung always thought of taejin as a star, someone he never hoped to chase. “must be boring to sit here with me doing nothing here — again. but at least, it means you can have a break.” 

the comment throws doyoung into a complacent mindset, too many nights argued over this same thing and he’s not in the mood. he doesn’t even argue, only clinks his bottle onto the table to be done with drinking for he rest of the night. he feathers a low sigh from his lips. “i’m not going to harp on you tonight. we can spend tonight drinking away and then just go to sleep.” he gives up and tacks on another thought to shift them quickly past it, “at least i get to perform where you at,” a song he worked hard with their producers on and he’s happy taejin likes it. 

he listens to taejin without surprise but with plagued attention coalescing to a peak, dissatisfaction right along with him. and some envy. but more than that, more than selfishness — which the presence is regrettable and human of him — he just feels dread to know that taejin had so many burdens he could know, but countless more he never would. “i don’t know what that’s like,” he admits, like tossing a stone into his glass ego, his smile shatters kind of awkwardly, sad, “i believe you’re past being looped in. maybe when it first started, when you were new and—” his sentence drifts when he doesn’t say what they both know; when bc first pushed taejin first and the reasons why that no one talks about, “but you’ve done nothing but prove yourself over the years. those idols are just getting pushed there for their looks. it’s not about talent anymore. especially bc family idols. just pretty faces.” he leans back in his hair until his head hits the rest and he closes his eyes, finishing his final train of thought with a breath through his nostrils, “everyone in our company, in the industry, is just numbers on a checklist. we all just do what we’re told.”

eyes flicker open and he looks at taejin with a grin right back, “at least you’re genuinely talented.” he can’t help the comparisons his mind draws back to himself. “are you going to keep acting when this is all over?” this, all of this, decipher, he doesn’t need to or want to say. being alone without taejin after all this time, a decade. “take arabella back to your parents and get married, become a real actor? never have to sit in taiwan drinking shitty alcohol with me all alone for weeks on end?”

[fmddoyoung]

taejin​

starter for @fmddoyoung, taipei concerts

taiwan, and it becomes a bleeding memory of a week prior. lost in the city, too much alcohol buzzing underneath his skin. only today, taiwan brings the hotel to a finer pedestal, and his company in the form of someone he trusts — knows, confides in throughout the twelve years of their bustling careers.

taejin relaxes his spine into chair, legs crossed. there’s a thrum of alcohol that entrances his throat, some fine whisky he’s managed to snag from the room bar and his fingers tap against the glass with the ticks of the clock (there’s comfort in familiarity). “i would’ve never thought bc schedule us for this shit when they had us here last week.” curse words, it free falls into conversation once the mask of formalities withers when he’s in full-on presence of a friend — the rare times like these he lets the facets of humanity show. “now, their ideas are even getting less creative, and borrowed from gold star — i could name ten other things i could be doing right now.” 

acting, drinking (he’s already doing that), hanging out. in hindsight, perhaps, he couldn’t have been anywhere else and company now is richer than he’s ever been given. 

“this or that — would you rather be performing at an events show or performing for some university in taiwan?” he asks, another sip to flush out the dryness in his throat from the hours of sleep he’s deprived of. “also, where’d junkyu go? i thought he was going to show up tonight.”

there is one overwhelming thought. while he pops the cap on another lager and misses the taste of home; his life with decipher was more than a habit by now it was such a huge part of him. he gazes to the middle distance. it shifts, molasses slow from the buzz of alcohol in his system and sharp corners of his mind catching on everything. “hm?” it occurs late that taejin cursing means he’s most comfortable and probably on the verse of drunk and doyoung thinks fondly of that. “they’re just wasting our time at this point,” he gulps down some beer and paints a frown for his face. “the label feels bored of us lately, i know it’s not just me thinking that. the last 4 comebacks,” he grimaces so full his teeth show, rare enough in itself, for a grin or any expression on his resting features. “they’re bad. this one is the first title i’ve liked in so long and now we’re out here stranded in the middle of no where performing it.” he shakes his head.

taejin seems retrospective, perhaps they’ve had so many years a friends that this is the best they can. get drunk and wonder about their lives, careers and futures. wonder if they’re too old for this shit. “at least we get to treat it like a vacation.” some vacation this is. another week down wasted, the question prompted makes him realize they’re missing a member who agreed but he doesn’t even feel a surmise of surprise. inattentive shrug that doesn’t match the way his pupils keen in on the drink in taejin’s hand. “who knows. standing us up like a brat.” he shifts in his chair to face them inward, parallel, just like always, he always stays right across from taejin. like wings, right and left, doyoung is most at home with that prompt. “maybe he doesn’t wanna sit around and drink with us like every other night.” doyoung approaches is anything but nimbly, like a plane with no landing gear, “don’t you think we drink too much? can you seriously remember the last time we all met without drinking?” he knows it’s been years. “the schedules are boring, i get that. another month down with bc doing nothing with us. another schedule we hate.” he only snaps back to that placid place to keep them from an argument. “is it the schedules you’re unsatisfied with about decipher these days?” or is it something else, his tone implies without announcement.

[fmddoyoung]

* /        view ,          /

the music video is a wild adventure and so is doyoung throughout the whole process. he gets tipsy on the beers they bring out as props by sneaking them when no one is looking. it’s a good thing taejin is responsible these days because he certainly isn’t. it’s a miracle there wasn’t a dating rumor from this set ngl.

title track, may 2015    /     (( 𝘢𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 + 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘢 ))    /    681w.

the small town forest scents are warm and verdant, smells like free spirits and mixes strangely with shampoo and strong perfume. arms around his waist on a moped, wind wiping his hair until they round a corner and the clap of a take ending. staff calling them back to restart it all over again.

the set of view is not a set at all and that’s the best part.

it’s wide open, like unfurling main sail from the mast and taking to the sea, like feeling himself smile for the first time, really smile. her name is jessica and she’s pretty. her skin is warm, he likes when she presses against him when the directors aren’t looking.

view plays in repeat in the background on the set, a loud speaker that just goes over and over. doyoung enjoys the way view scatters to the wind among crunching leaves as they walk through the forest, and sounds gently hugging the trees near the abandon building site they borrow. she’s very bold, bolder than most of the girls he knows and even the ones he had dated in the past. but he doesn’t mind. she’s paired up with taejin for the individual shoots and he doesn’t mind that either.

he can steal her, maybe.

저 하늘을 곱게 접는 이 바다를 병에 담는 시간도

breathing in the dust in this building is the worst part of the entire shooting experience. did it have to be authentically abandoned though? the lighting here is another world, and sometimes doyoung can forget that he’s an idol when the set begins again, commotion and songs on pause, breathing heavily between dance retakes. he kicks over an empty pepsi can.

he wonders what chaeyoon is doing now. if she’ll watch this when it comes out what she might see or what he might look like. wandering over to the stylists on set he asks one to fix his make up and check his hair. it’s uncomfortable to look into the stylist’s eyes so he avoids it, looks around the room while she fixes his bangs and this time, he doesn’t shiver when her fingers brush his forehead.

doyoung wonders if taejin is really past those frivolous days where they would bud together like roses with thorns and take nothing too seriously. or maybe, it’s him being a good hyung again. he’s always done that but it’s more lately.

jessica comes back to the hotel with him after their second night of filming. drinking all night isn’t advised when they have the final day of filming to do the next day. neither is the instant ramen they eat when it’s a pool scene. but he wants to have fun more than he’s ever craved that emptiness before. 

so what if chaeyoon has a boyfriend?

starting a relationship with a girl who speaks sparse korean that he just met, who says she has to go back home to america in a few months, is hardly a good take away. but the view is nice from where he stands.

when she shows him the bikini she’ll wear on the set tomorrow a day early. and lets him take it off.

he lays in bed and thinks of whether view will do well on the charts. it’s one of his favorite songs to record and film. and something about the music video set being fun, exciting, summery, he knows it will. maybe it’s insecurity.

maybe it’s something else that keeps him awake that night. makes the noona work harder to cover his dark circles the next day.

maybe it’s the way he’s still burning. texts chaeyoon at 2 in the morning that he hopes whoever she met is a nice man. that he’s filming but he’s doing good for himself. hoping she’ll like his new title when it comes out, if she’s still watching him that is.

he said too much.

still sends another; that he hopes seungyoon is ok.

view wraps up successfully. he walks away with a new girlfriend and a summer tan.

that’s the best 2015 can offer him, really.

[fmddoyoung]

* /        tell me          /

the first song decipher came back with after their gap year and it had a lot of expectations from him, lots of bittersweet. he had such a hard time filling in the blanks and becoming the person he wanted to be. he felt like he was lacking a lot during this era. the fact that it performed better than it seemed like it would, was the only fact that saved him and even that wasn’t much of a consolation prize.

title track, early 2018    /     (( 𝘢𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 + 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘤 ))    /    442w.

this was the year he had the most development in his initial life journey. before this he was always getting into trouble, but by tell me and the top seed album he finally had enough of being grounded lol. the gap year that came right before this was the worst thing...

the long gap year he spent working out a lot so one positive is that coming into this era he was fit as fuck and dripped out lmao. he just got a dog a year ago who he took to parks and had nothing to do so he got back into shape. ♥ ate more candy and sweets than ever before, but also had the most consistent work out routine that he’s ever had for the longest.

his body was bangin ok. he looked good in his costumes. he’s always sort of been fan serviced, glittery see through shirts and middies out and biceps but this era they were pretty reserved for how much he had packed on and toned down at the same time. his bmi was god tier lmao.

the stages were very simple, lacking a lot of showmanship that decipher had been known for before the gap years, but he was actually a fan of the simple, straight forward approach. felt more mature and at that point decipher was definitely well into senior group status. it did feel like overcompensating for him? from showmanship and charm, and trendy appeal to what felt like? really simple to a point of being kind of stuffy to him? the costuming this comeback was extremely conservative for a group like decipher. especially unfortunate when he had just gotten his body so top shape. he was actually mad that didn’t let him wear anything nice or revealing like they usually do.

they also upped their choreography level again up from the last title choreography and at least that much was a good thing. doyoung isn’t the strongest dancer but he’s gotten much better over time and since they had just gotten done with gap, he was eager for the chance to remind people he was an idol and show off. normally he enjoys just standing around singing lmao, but in this special case, he was starved for the stage.

this whole album was not suited to doyoung’s taste, though it wasn’t a complete failure for decipher it wasn’t up to standard and it wasn’t something he was personally proud of. i think he finds it a little bit boring. it’ll unfortunately only get worse from there but tell me starts the streak of releases that doyoung will just flatly consider the dark ages...

[fmddoyoung]

charlie

She’s learning that the past has a way of catching up to her — whether she likes it or not.

Although the past, in the form of a tall drink of water of an ex, wasn’t the worst of her past to have resurfaced in recent years especially given their ancient history together, it still caught her off-guard to be in his presence again especially when he seemed to have mellowed out even more since the last time they talked (which, in hindsight, she couldn’t really reference to because it had been so long.)

The mentions of memories long turned into dust makes her laugh lightly, fondness in the way she maintains a small smile at the thought of it. “It’s been a while since we did anything together,” is the response she offers, a slow shake of the head in affirmation of his question. “No, it was good. As you can get from a cruise ship, that is. Was the food to your taste then?”

Silence hadn’t always been prevalent in their relations, one which was characterized by the fun of two risk takers teetering dangerously on the fine line of safety and recklessness, but there had always been an undercurrent sense of calm to him, one which seemed to be more prominent now than ever before and she wonders what had brought on the change of heart. “Honestly? Not really. It was fun while it lasted but it was also time to move on.” Glancing up at him, a grin blooms on her face. “Only one way to find out.”

doesn’t it always? the past, having its way, just like the modest way she smiles, not a word he might normally pair with her; nothing between he or her was small other than perhaps the period of time they had spent in itself. “mmhm, that’s true,” he hums, a candid attempt to keep her invested. he likes to keep her speaking, he loves to memorize the words. “i didn’t mind. i think it was a bit spicy for my taste. would have like sweeter.”

but then, sweet is his favorite and everyone knows. sweet foods, sweet girls these days. not when he met charlie, that’s another time that felt long and far. if they’re having a double layered conversation, he doesn’t let it show that he knows. “yeah, i might say the same thing.” he thinks their mutual disengage had been perfectly prompted. their meeting of the minds, or maybe the lack of meeting, was exactly what he’d ordered. the grin he gives her is very genuine, and he’s pleased they still seem to share at least fond memories. memories, they’re funny in that, some emotions stick more than others, some mutate into different shades. nothing is ever what it seems. “are you seeing anyone these days?” he asks it seemingly from the blue but it’s a response to her question.

they had beaten down this path before. in fact, he and her tended to twist off of paths rather than take them. the first time around they would have been snuck off a tangent, wrapped up in each other, thirsting for more.

he isn’t that many any longer.

“give me your phone.” he holds out a large, open palm in expectation, “i’ll give you my number. then maybe i’ll learn more as we go.” the intention and tone are less coy this time, easier, straight forward. “is that alright?”

[fmddoyoung]

[fmddoyoung]

with: @charliefmd.

strolling with his hands in his pockets, he’s thankful they’re leaving the noise of restaurant behind; no more music, people talking or crowded disregard, just he and charlie. how long since he walked down anything but memory road with her? other than stealing glances from across the dinner plate, the last time he looked at her for more than an indulgent glance was probably years. for anything longer than that, he would have been sure she wasn’t looking back. 

“it’s been a while since we were stealing dinners out in public together.” those were different kinds of dinners, cornered away beneath hats with their jackets and hoods still close to the neck, faces to their plates because anyone who spotted them would be bad business for the publicity departments. “so was it as bad as you thought?” he grins before looking over and down at her as they head towards the private halls where the rooms were located. meanderingly, with no rush. “the food i mean. the sushi.” 

he can’t help but bring it up as they walk along, with elbows brushing and his memories taxing up from no where. “do you still think about those days?” a glance at her which sticks longer than the others. “i think we both moved on so fast, the wind must have blown those memories to dust by now.” he speaks for himself, wonders if she feels the same with a soft, inspecting stare. “i bet there’s a lot to learn about who you are today.” the tone isn’t meant to be as coy as it sounds.

[fmddoyoung]

artemisia

“why can’t you just leave me alone?” her face twists into a mask of irritation, smoothening out as she guards her feelings surreptitiously, twisting every notion of irritance in the tap of her foot and the downward slide of her lips to a mask of simple neutrality. “i just wanted to get fucked for once. nothing more.” she twists a little more to the side, away from his eyes as she lies to herself, and then digs a complete hole to expose herself. “and…and i know what you’re thinking, but i’m not lying, alright?” she twitches as he lets out a bereaved exhale, the prick of her supposedly non-existent conscience making her grind her teeth in the moment as she runs a hand through the mess of her dark hair. “its really nothing. i just wanted to try overdrinking. for once.” a bad lie, and a bad reason–a terrible cover up for something so out of character for someone so controlled and static as she. 

clearly, something was wrong, even if she didn’t want to admit it. to admit such a fault was only to make herself seem more flawed in another’s eyes, and that was one of the last things she hated to admit in front of others. sia–was someone strong. there was no room for mistakes, for feelings, or for momentary let downs in life that would lead her to revealing things that she shouldn’t–even if doyoung was the steady beat in a sea of a messy chorus, like an anchor in a chaotic sea that was life that she couldn’t find herself brave enough to drift in. 

“there’s nothing much to celebrate out tonight.” sourness proliferates her tone as her eyes wander, a hand tossed abruptly along the side of the railing, words twisting bitterly into the air. “the last few months are nothing but just a fucktard of shitty motes. nothing more and nothing less.” she grunted, pulling away like a prickling flower as she crossed her arms and spared a glance up at him, desperate in her desire to chase him away and yet–yearning in the moment for him to stay without her admitting so aloud, for a shoulder to lean upon momentarily, to be listened to as he often did without qualm or question for her. “stay.” she allows the word to finally fall from her lips with grudging admittance. “i told you to leave in a fit of momentary anger. that was wrong of me. besides, the stars are out here, being rather pretty tonight.” she turns around, half embarrassed at her admission and wanting to shift topics as she turned her attention towards the dark night sky, only to freeze in absolute mortification as the skies yawned back at her, patronizingly dark, and without a single speck of a star in sight.

“well. i thought i saw–i saw a speck of light somewhere…somewhere out there.” her ears heat, cheeks blushing as she fidgets, eyes darting to and fro whilst caught in a frenzy. “could have been mistaken, but i’m sure..i’m sure i saw it. at least once.” 

cheap alcohol and soft moonlight, rich gray sky with cool undertones that reflect from the ocean. her hair is dark, and longer now than ever before. his smile stays small but stuck. “if it’s cheap, it’s ok if i throw it away.” it isn’t a question but it is a dare. and it’s met when she leaps like into the air like a cat bouncing for a butterfly – the bottles clank together when he hoists them higher and she clashes against his chest like thunder to his heart. a moderated laugh, half sigh, scoff and dubiety, when she lands. small hands loop around his bicep, painting herself against him and he slackens enough to set her straight but not to give distance. his free hand cuts from his pocket to lay a sharp path from her side to lower back so she doesn’t topple over, unstable drunk and leaping around like a fox doesn’t equal a happy ending. the bottles he has extended above his head are an after thought now while he chastises her with a low grunt and “watch it, you’ll fall,” beneath his breath but she’s already abandoning him.

she’s out of reach and his palm falls away like playing the final melody of a harp with a fingers flexing over the invisible strings. he shoves them back into his pocket quickly, and lowers his precious cargo without her sticky fingers to threaten them. she stomps out her war drums, pouts and spits out a battle cry. ah, he made her angry. 

he just absorbs that blow as part of the fight. it glances over his mask in place over face with hardly a twitch of his brows at the center – a hint of a frown that’ll never manifest in full. “i can, if you want.” a sigh that lasts too long in the air before it disperses and walks the alcohol to the bench a few steps away and leaves them resting. like a trap in the open. the look as he does is a gun in holster, arresting her from trying again. he returns to her with a steady gaze, all of his usually rounded grins gone. “i don’t think either of us are buying that. if you’re speaking for me at least make sure it’s something i’d at least say.” he can’t be surprised with her. pressed lips make his lips round down, chin dimple and his eyebrows twitch with half of an expression. “you’re already drunk.” he doesn’t leave his post as if he were stationed there in front of her, between the extra alcohol and her. “half the time i see you or talk to you lately, you’re drunk.” why do all of the people he cares about just drown their sorrows. frustration hadn’t began to surmise how much it drove him insane. he’ll stand his ground or die on this hill. 

her colorful language dyes his mask with a gray smile that flickers blue, “sia, i’ll go if you want.” is all he says to her spiel of words, colorful like her, language that he would never say that he thinks she’s funny for. “is that what you want?” she’s so fast, like a wave crashing into herself, a built sandcastle she herself builds, and then knocks over just as fast. how exhausting it looks to be that much force against yourself. doyoung observes her with a magnifying attention as she stills, quiets, that wave crashes into the wall over her mote and she stills. he likes the way the water settles when she folds in on herself, in a way he wouldn’t explain aloud. 

stay.

“alright.” he relents instantly. “i will.”

she keeps going, speaking so quickly and he sighs through the nose as he listens. another explanation, words coming out fast and he steps forward right in the middle of them, breaks into her sentence like a wave of his own, curls into her words until they’re face to face. gazing down now that they’re close enough to see the lines in her lips and watch the words materialize on her lips, “you don’t give me a chance to speak. or ask. just go off on your own and decide things on your own.” it isn’t a criticism but he wages it all the same. 

her words draw them away again, she’s like a glass pane crashing into the ground, sparkling, reflecting, cutting into everything and he just lets it go. used to it by now. pointing his chin to the sky where she mentions and coughing up a laugh at the lack there of. “yeah...” he peers at the wide open sky, not a twinkle in sight, “there’s probably a star somewhere. i think i saw one.” that’s an offering because he doesn’t want her to be embarrassed. looking back at her as she looks up, frenetic searching the sky as he searches her profile. “sia,” a caution flag in his tone, “if you’re having a hard time, you don’t have to have it alone.” he offers it like a rebirth, restart, begin the night again like it hadn’t started as it had.

[fmddoyoung]

* /        tell me what to do          /

a song he had nothing to do with creatively which is oddly enough one of the things he liked most about it. just submerging himself into the music and raising his voice, interpreting lyrics and feeling across with just his voice, or while acting. lots of memories from the set and the night after, as well as promotions. one of his favorite eras.

title track, nov 2016    /     (( 𝘢𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 + 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘤 ))    /    470w.

this music video filming was one he came to feel only positive for despite 2016 being a really horrible month for him over all. 

the filming of this music video was moody and fun, on location that the crew rented for the days and tbh those are always his favorite. doyoung really curses those sound studio days where they just stand in square boxes and don’t even film at the same time lol. he likes his bros and he likes his fun and that’s neither.

this one was an abandoned building (ok as well as a sound stage or 2 but, the building was very cool), and a few other outdoors shoots. not to mention the car shoot and riding around with the stunt driver doing wheelies, another thing he really had fun with.

there were girls and extras (the girls were the part he was excited about) on the set with them and in the end he almost went home with one of them lol. tbh any set where there’s girls he can talk to and play with becomes his favorite to film. tell me what to do is one of the favorites for that, only ranking after maybe view.

i don’t know what it was with bc and throwing decipher with random girls in like half dystopian/busted settings with moody, washed out lighting. maybe it was a consequence of 2014-2015.

the live stage was a fun one. really memorable thanks to the gimmicks and extras. god, i think the sparkling, velvety, silky and/or see through shirts to this day are memorable. doyoung’s choker was really beloved by fans and himself. 

the choreo also stands out for not just the uniqueness in terms of decipher dance until that point but as bein very fun and creative? i wouldn’t say it suits his style, since doyoung is a simple guy who would just stand in one place with a mic if he could, but it is something he can really appreciate.

he also loved this era and live stages because the dance was really simple lmao, he could focus on singing without worrying about forgetting moves or being on beat. though over the years doyoung has gotten much better he still prefers singing to dancing.

lots of iconic moments for this era.

including but not limited to the MBC live recording that goes down in history. ♥ iconic live vocals... anyway this song was very meaningful and fun for doyoung. it helped his mind escape and i think overall, 2016 was one of the most happy, stress free early years he had as an idol. he had just come down from like 3 years of just never ending stress and hard times. tell me what to do is still cathartic to this day because he has nothing but good memories.

[fmddoyoung]

artemisia​

she takes a swig from her bottle, eyes glittering with the dim flickering lights of the slightly swaying cruise ship at the coast, her body lingering with each motion as the boat rocked on the slightly more turbulent waves that crested against its large frame. sia squints, fixing the mouth of the bottle to her bottom lip as she hummed contemplatively, turning around to glance at the bunch of dancing bodies enjoying themselves at the party, sparking in myriads of strange, different colours–like a lightshow that only she could possibly get for free, a scoff of laughter bubbling from her lips, self deprecating as she lets the beer flood the confines of her mouth, head mildly aching and vision swimming as a yawn caught onto her lips, parting those tiers as she raised a hand lazily and scratched the nape of her neck. 

“yooo–”she slurs ever so slightly, hoisting herself up slightly at an angle as she grins in the direction of the steady pulse of honey brown and liquid gold that was doyoung in the distance, raising her bottle in a shaky attempt of a drunken salute, eyes blinking rapidly to at the very least–clear the slight fog of drink from her mind as he approached. “fancy seeing you here.” alcohol loosens her tongue on many ways that she never perceives, drawing the rare grins and scoffing laughs from her lips as she indulges herself in the moment, raking a hand through her dark hair only when the wind chooses to ruffle its feathers, parting her dark tresses in a wild dance over her face as she swipes frantically at the wayward strands, tossing her hair back over her shoulder as she nonchalantly peers back up at doyoung, letting her eyes vaguely dance over his features in greeting (though never once meeting his eyes.) “you look better than i last saw you. maybe even cuter than i last saw you. what did you do to change to your lifestyle to make you so..aglow with life?” she teases,  allowing the compliment to fall from her lips as she pushes herself away from the ledge, swaying just slightly as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other, offering up a lopsided grins as she stifled the strange urge to giggle at the look on his face. 

rarely did sia have friends that she always found safe enough to return back to–her best friend miyeon was one of them, and then..came doyoung, who never left despite how flighty she was in their friendship. if it came down to wondering who actually hurt more within the boundaries of their friendship–doyoung would be the one, sia thought, chugging another mouthful of alcohol from the bottle of beer, another empty one sitting by her foot, toppled over from a kick of her foot. after all, she had always left without telling him the reason, once things got too close, or she felt too seen for her own good. 

but that was the good thing about doyoung too–he never left her behind, even if it meant having to endure the multiple times that she did the contrary to him, absconding and leaving, only to return back to where they begin, as if nothing had happened in the end, dark eyes unrepentant, and seeking for some refuge from the lonesome path that they bore. 

“want to have some drinks with me?” she offered, shaking the nearly finished bottle of beer with a slightly cheeky grin. “nothing better than to live to the fullest for tonight.” 

the swarming nature of the packed main hall leaves no room for his claustrophobic heart and overwrought thoughts. it’s a day like any other, a surplus of bodies uncomfortably close for too long, so he traverses his way across the area and to the outer deck. the walkway is empty, late night hearts had tucked themselves together or into bed, while his was seeking dissolution. she’s hera, silvery pink and bedlam like the sunrays smattering waves over a morning sky. the dark around her just amplifies it so he grins broader for her when he spots her at the end of his catwalk to the front deck. 

“is it fancy?” his gaze soft on her motions, turns watchful. he had seen it enough times to register, as of late as many times as he had seen her at all. it’s uneasy “are you drinking alone out here?” leaden steps, a ponderous and imperceptible dialing of his gaze. now it’s quite clear she’s drunk, her complimenting him, not that she never had, but it was enough that it curved down his spine and wrapped around his ribs like an embrace. his grin climbs and he ducks his head to hide it as he comes closer, imitating exceptional attention to his hands as he shoves them into his pockets. when he looks up his lips are curved just so, the way he likes. “you’ve had too much, huh?” finally within range, he exhales through the nose and gazes down, reaching for the bottle from her, prying and gulping down some for himself. he swirls it in the glass bottle and breezily beneath his breath, rends a quiet laugh, “this is very bad manners of you,” he motions with fact that they’re drinking out of the bottle with no glass, raised like a flag until he washes down the final gulp. he hadn’t drank all night, nor eaten enough, so he should stop there. peering at sia, he fixates on the thought that she should as well. “whelp,” the syllables drift from his lips spaced and airy, strained at the end while he bends over – dropping his empty bottle next to the one she kicked, he scoops up the full, unopened left overs he sees on the ground into his right hand.

ironing out his spine so that he’s fully upright, hoisting the two bottles up with him, they clink between his knuckles. “i think it’s good enough as it is, don’t you?” he reaches his free palm out to plant it on the crown of her head and pat her down, like gently patting down soil around a flower, firmly smoothly her hair out. 

“we can celebrate the night together without you overdrinking.” his hand slips away and he backs up, taking the beer with him a safe distance. now that his attention is drawn from sia’s drinking habits, he rounds back to her question from earlier, on his glow and the state of his life. tilting his head to the sigh, profound inhale and bereaved exhale that moves his whole chest like the island on the turtles back. so full of so much that, an entire life he can’t explain in mere words. his lips press together, his blinks slow, his tone stripped raw. “i guess,” expression swirls like an oil spill, colors mixing into something muddled with mood, “i started drinking more water?” he jokes with a straight face. “what about you? what brings you out here, doing this to yourself, all alone?”

[fmddoyoung]

taejin

teach a dog new tricks, and it’s as if escargot brings a new vision to the table. taejin laughs, lets his smile smear across his face as twelve years inside decipher draws doyoung as one of the closest people he houses inside his heart. inside and out, they’re held together — time wields them stronger than tungsten, honesty brighter than the flashes of faux smiles they’re subjected to.

“i couldn’t get a hold of her if i tried.” he shoots over with a cursory huff, the jostle of his head enough to relay the unspoken sentiment — wish is busy, but it’s fine, i’d rather share the time with you. because a field day of idols where he’s posed as the ‘big brother’ figurehead only becomes relieved the second he steps outside of the camera lights, and in any case: he’d rather be with his members than a herd of new faces.

taejin taps his fingers against the table, his own smile widening further — it’s the hapless image sitting inside his head of two veterans run down inside a french restaurant. twenty years into the future, he suspects, nothing would be changed. 

his attention reigns back onto doyoung, his eyes questioning. “tiramisu, do they even have that on the ship? regardless, if you can manage to find it — cake and coffee after this on me, just as long as you’re paying for the snails.”

he should be happy when it comes to spend time with taejin, in particular like this. relaxed, not drunk and not with a million things on their plate. the metaphorical one. 

“it’s a good thing that she’s successful. if you’re going to date a girl like her,” he doesn’t reference what they both know he’s thinking allowed, having given taejin the side eye over that one time was enough.

the fact that wish was so successful, and that taejin was hanging around dating someone so much younger, and so successful at that, reminded him how much they’d grown. how many years he and taejin had at one another’s side as friends, family. he grins, “i’m not even sure. this whole thing is new to me, too. i’m a traditionalist. korean food for me.” he leans back in his seat, “but if i’m trying something new i hope it’s dessert.” he downs a drink. 

“splitting the bill? really? isn’t it your job as eldest to spoil me? buy me the slimey snails too, this whole thing was your idea.” 

[fmddoyoung]

junkyu​

when they were rookies he had always heard that he would look back on those years and smile, be fond of the memories they carried. it turned out to be true. each time he recalls the past, it’s always with a fondness and desire to go back. trainee days were tough, the beginning was tough. it wasn’t always easy, especially not when he had so much inner turmoil but. the members made it worth it, any memory with them was tainted a rose gold color. 

“you wish you dated half of them,” he rolls his eyes at his member, knowing that it was a lie, just some horrible attempt at a joke. “you’re too old to be sneaking around anyways, and it’s not like those girls didn’t want to be with you,” doyoung had always been a hot commodity, he’s sure even know nobody would think twice to be with him. “hey,” he groans, “i don’t want that cute image anymore. don’t you think i look kind of sexy now? i could totally go for a heartthrob image, right?” the younger knows he’s grown well into his body: an above average height (even if the man before him, and taejin on set, are a few inches taller), doe eyes, full lips, dimple that peeks out when he smiles. he’s handsome. but maybe it’s his personality that keeps him tied to the prince image instead of a heartbreaker one. 

how funny: to be giving an advice he isn’t he follows. 

“yeah,” a whisper. weighted down by a fear, that the desire he’s carried for six years will never come true. sometimes he wonders if he’s being selfish. he’s been lucky enough to debut three times, twice with decipher and once in a subunit that was quoted to be the strongest performers. that should be enough for him, he should be glad enough for that. but debuting solo had always been about him. about getting to know the raw version of himself that could be found through his own music, his own dance. a stage purely for him. something he could feel in control of, that wouldn’t be tainted by his mothers desires or the company. he shouldn’t think about this here. it’s a dangerous slope to start to go down. “we should head back, let’s go,” hand grabbing onto his forearm, he smiles at his member as he drags him back onto the set. half an hour more. they could survive that much.

he figures himself likely to head over to the girls after this and stir up some sentimental laughter. a time when he had hardly spoken to them comes to mind. after nearly ruining everything. junkyu’s comment showed how innocent that guy really was. almost 30 himself but he still seemed naïve, sweet to doyoung. he looks over with a smile and thinks it’s best not to tell him. best not to say that he really had. best not to mention he had incidentally burned half of the bridges in the industry, but easier when most of the bridges could be rebuilt with patience.

patience he was full of. enough that he didn’t even fuss over the elf hat back on his head, but instead just sighs and nods. “i don’t have to sneak around around anymore. not that there’s anyone left to sneak around with.” he chuckles and chugs the last of his black coffee like a demon straight out of hell. exhales loudly like a dragon might breathe out steam. “sexy? to me you’ll always just be cute.” he smirks.

he rolls his eyes at junkyu’s gimmicks. “calm down there or else the director will see you make a much better dorky elf than me, then you’ll be the one in hell.” he lands a heavy hand on junkyu’s shoulder and guides him along with a gentle push, listening to the words almost as if he weren’t paying attention, almost as if junkyu hadn’t sounded so unsure and small there for a second. right back like the days they were kids together. and junkyu wonders why doyoung will always view him as the baby. “let’s get back kid. they’ll miss us too much. christmas isn’t complete without you.” 

[fmddoyoung]

junkyu​

and, so, naturally he craved to showcase himself as a soloist. but then. there are the moments in between that would normally mean nothing, some holiday music video with two senior groups can be easily overlooked. when he has to hold back a laughter at his members distaste for the leaders cooperative attitude, when the sweater becomes itchy, when he has to struggle to keep the stupid innocent smile on his face, he figures: he’d be so lonely without the members, how he’s so glad they get to do everything together. and it doesn’t matter that he’s been waiting twelve years for solo activities, not when he’s thankful he’s gotten twelve years with decipher.

“i could rock it,” his hands reach for the elf hat, smoothing out the parts that were wrinkled from doyoung’s tight grip, placing it upon his head. “i don’t put it past them. but if they do, i hope they make you santa and the rest of us your reindeers. i can’t rock a fat ass suit but i think i’d look good in some antlers,” mentally, he crosses his fingers he didn’t just send a message out to the universe and that a twenty eight year old jeong junkyu will not be placed as some bad rendition of rudolph. 

another laugh escapes, this one laced with nostalgia and a cough from the hot drink hitting his throat. “yeah,” he nods, memories of the rookie years where everything was new and fascinating float around,”i used to act star struck around most of them, always attempted to keep a distance, but not you. we’d always end a co-ed shoot with our manager being pissed off that you snuck away with one of them.” and if, by some miracle, the members hadn’t caught doyoung in the act of sneaking away they’d definitely hear about it later, through thin walls, at the dorms.

he watches the members of lipstick flee the scene. his ex girlfriend, girls he had grown with over time. doyoung knew too many people in this industry, he thinks of that again, and again. standing with junkyu and thinking of how the world around them had changed. how many hearts he had broken in the worst of his days. and how he was sure he wouldn’t do things the same if he could. if he could redo his past he would.

if he could redo his past, would his karma be good enough that he doesn’t have to take photos in elf hats and striped silky elf ties? god that’s something he definitely wonders.

“karma says i deserve it i think,” he jokes about what his train of thought had been but he hardly feels in a joking mood. just ready to go home. though moments like this, quiet laughter and wisecracking, they made it a little easier. worth it. this long, weary process of becoming an idol only to be shoved down repeated – sometimes by himself, admittedly. “i think they’ll make taejin santa, i’ll probably be mrs. clause knowing the label.” he snorts out his chagrin at that, takes a sip of coffee to wash it down but, in reality, even that he would laugh about later and he knows it. 

junkyu recalling the past like that is another reminder, stark and as quick and bright as the camera flashes they just took – “yeah.” that one, the tone comes out muted. “maybe it’s because i’ve already dated half of them.” he attempts to dial it back by joking of the members of lipstick, not least of all his ex girlfriend minah, but any others. “there’s really hardly anyone left for me to sneak around with.” doyoung feels a little bad for that. “at least you were always the cute maknae. even star struck or shy they would have loved you, huh.” junkyu is loveable, hard working, considerate but not entirely self sacrificing these days. “we’ve grown if it means we can do cheesy concepts like these without cringing in the replay footage. but it makes me wonder when decipher became this. or if we’ll ever get back to the days.”

he looks over at junkyu as he walks his way over to find the loathed elf hat he threw away. “or if we’ll ever solo debut the way taejin has.” holding no hope for that, what so ever, he at least wishes junkyu will.