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Memento Mori

First of all, I watched the whole livestream with no breaks. I didn't want to miss any of it.

I'm too nervous to do this on my real tumblr, so I'll be doing this here, but I really want to get my words out. Who knows if Mark or Ethan will ever see this, but right now just getting it out is most important.

When the channel first started it was so exciting for me. The whiplash from the fine suits to cooking with sex toys always makes me smile. I wasn't able to watch every video or keep up with every day. I've caught up on some, but I'm content on what I've seen. What I haven't seen, I just won't see, and I'm actually fine with that.

This year has been ride for everyone probably. I went through so many highs and lows. I had a vacation, my mom got a new boyfriend, I reconnected with an old friend, I lost some pets, I lost some friends, I got a boyfriend and then he broke up with me after my 18th birthday, I got a snake, I'm studying something i'm passionate about. I never thought I'd have a plan for the future until recently, really. I never really had hope for myself. This year has been a ride. Alot of smiles and tears. Maybe more tears than I would have liked, but that can't be helped.

What really stuck with me during the livestream was Ethan talking about 'Memento Mori'. That it doesn't just mean 'remember death' but also to remember life.

As a person with horrible depression and anxiety, I never really think about how much time I spend wasting away in my bed. I still do things like draw, watch videos, and do my school work, but I never leave the house. I haven't showered in a while, I forget to drink sometimes, and overall i'm in bad shape. I never think about how many precious seconds I'm wasting. I am scared of death, but I never realized how much I haven't been living. I want to be able to get through my fears, and be able to create and continue living. I want to get out more, and be able to take care of myself. Most importantly, I want to learn to value my life. Cause my life is so fragile, it could end without me achieving anything. I don't want to die pitiful.

It's 3 am. When I wake up, I plan on showering, brushing my teeth, doing my chores and eating breakfast. It's a small step admittedly, but still a step. Depression is so hard to deal with, but I don't want it to stop me anymore.

Hopefully this next year I can grow. Maybe I'll be able to make more videos, create more art, get out more. I want to have a life worth living.

Mark and Ethan have done so much for me. They were here for my highs and lows, even if they don't even know who I am. They always made me laugh. The videos that used to be on Unus Annus, I want to be able to experience as much as them. Maybe not the exact same experiences, there's stuff I'm unwilling to do, but I'd like to try new things, meet new people and just. Live for once.

Unus Annus is over, but I doubt I'll ever forget it. I didn't have enough money to buy a shirt, but I got the poster that's coming soon.

I never used to be hopeful for my future. I'm still a bit skeptical, but I'm starting to see a small little glimmer for me. Maybe things will turn out alright. Maybe I can make it. Only the future knows.

I can't express enough how much all of Unus Annus meant to me, the videos, the laughs and the entertainment and absolute joy. There's so much I want to say, but I just can't form words.

Just, thank you so much for sharing this experience. I'm so glad I could be here for this amazing event. It'll definitely go down in youtube history.

Thank you for everything. The channel may be dead but the rest of us can move forwards and hopefully better ourselves for the coming year. It'll be hard, but that's how life is. I just know I won't be taking this climb alone, and it warms my heart.

I can't really thank you enough for this.

Goodbye Unus Annus

Memento Mori

Sincerely and with love, a random fan