focussg-blog - Tumblr blog

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

How to Thrive with Your Teen

Building strong bonds with our teens can start today!

By Amos Ang

The teenage years are marked by significant physiological, mental and emotional changes. How can we adjust our parenting styles accordingly to meet the needs of our growing teens?

In a recent radio interview, 938NOW host Susan Ng, my 19-year-old son Nathan and I had the opportunity to discuss the parenting beliefs and practices that my wife and I follow with our teenagers. It was a good discussion of how we can better engage our adolescents who seek greater autonomy and freedom.

As a family life trainer and father of 2 teens, here are some tips that I’ve found personally helpful.

1. Move from telling to offering advice

When our children are young, we often tell them what to do, where to go, and how to get things done. However as they progress into their teenage years, they no longer appreciate our directions as much. They’re more likely to see it as nagging.

Nathan shared on air how much he appreciated us for giving him the space to voice his opinions and make his own decisions. But this was something I learnt to do through experience. I realised earlier on that when Nathan is adamant about something, it is way more productive to talk through it with him than to try to talk him out of it.

He shared an example when he wanted to buy an expensive racing bike with his own money. Even though I had expressed my reservations when we discussed it, he went ahead and bought it anyway. He’s only used it thrice since. When he publicly revealed that he considered that a poor decision, I was surprised by his candidness.

Through this episode, Nathan learned to value our counsel more and to re-evaluate before making a final decision in future.

When teachable moments like these present themselves, we should seize the opportunity to help our children learn from the experience instead of rubbing salt into their wounds.

2. Spend quality time together, intentionally

Quantity time begets quality time.

When Nathan was 11 to 14 years old, we would have breakfast together every Sunday. We would talk about our high and low points of the week while affirming and encouraging each other. If he had misbehaved at home during the week, I will also take this time to bring it up with him. This weekly ritual provided ample opportunities for me to teach him the right values to prepare him for life.

You can’t get quality time without quantity time.

3. Offer a listening ear

One thing Nathan said during our interview reminded me that journeying well with your teen requires good listening while keeping an open mind.

When our children face problems in school or in relationships, how can we ensure that we’ll be their first confidante when they need help or advice?

We have to be willing to listen, be open to what they have to say, and suspend all judgment or disapproval. When they’ve expressed themselves and feel heard, they become more ready to listen. We can then offer our counsel or insight.

A stable marriage and a strong parent-child bond foster a great sense of safety and belonging in the home, which is important in helping our children be more open in their sharing and come to us when they have a problem.

A sense of safety and belonging in the home will help our children be more open in their sharing.

4. Handle conflict constructively and calmly

Conflicts are part and parcel of life, but it’s how we handle them that makes the difference.

Nathan shared that as a family, we try to air concerns and express our frustrations appropriately. Even when we have differing views, we help one another see things from the other person’s perspective and try to find common grounds.

It’s important to talk things through when all parties are eventually calm. We can agree on a suitable day and time to do this instead of pushing the issue in the heat of the moment. This way, we are more likely to resolve the issue, if not get some closure.

5. Live your values out

At the end of the day, our children will tend to follow what we do, not what we say. Regardless of how much time we’ve invested in sharing our held values with our children, it’s more crucial that we walk the talk.

When it comes to issues such as boy-girl relationships or peer pressure, the choices they make are likely to be influenced by the way they see us conduct our own lives. Hopefully the congruence that we demonstrate will inspire them to follow in our footsteps.

Practicing these points have helped my wife and I foster strong bonds and open channels of communications with our sons. I hope you will also discover what works for your family so that your children thrive in this unique parent-teen relationship.

Amos has carved a professional career in developing and coaching people. In a personal capacity, he and his wife have been facilitating marriage preparation and enrichment courses for over 20 years, longer than they’ve been parents! He has also anchored numerous relationship-focused workshops for Focus on the Family Singapore.

Want to learn effective and creative strategies to engage your child at the different ages and stages of their growing up years? Join a Parenting with Confidence workshop!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

8 Ways to Raise an Avid Reader

Simple strategies to teach your child to read

By Judith Xavier

Reading holds great value for a child’s development. Research shows that reading can boost cognitive ability and verbal skills in children (A.E. Cunningham, K.E Stanovich).

Reading is a form of relaxation for children, and also boosts their imagination as they are introduced to new worlds and characters. Fluent reading is essential for children to be self-directed learners, once they are of school-going age.

Follow their Interests

Child-led learning is a highly effective way of teaching any skill. Observe your child closely, and identify their areas of personal interest. Choose books that are aligned with your child’s likes to hold their attention and draw them into the reading experience. For example, a child who loves sea animals will be more open to reading a book about sharks, while another who loves cars may prefer a car-related story.

You may also tie the reading experience to your children’s preferred activity, making it more attractive to a reluctant reader. If they enjoy art and craft, you could create a craft activity based on the book you are reading together. This will encourage them to look forward to the reading activity.

Child-led learning is a highly effective way of teaching any skill.

Choose Quality Books

Not all books are created equal. High quality books have a few things in common. Firstly, they espouse positive values and characteristics, which you can discuss in detail after reading.

When choosing a book for a young reader, find one that uses simple language and has short stories. Young children rarely have the patience for long and complex narratives. Simple books also aid in comprehension and help them connect with the story and enjoy it fully.

Read Aloud to a Fidgety Child

Many parents start reading very early to their children—which is great! Research has shown that when we read to young children, their memory and grasp of vocabulary increase (Dr. John S. Hutton).

A common parental concern is that children constantly move around, and won’t sit still to finish the book together. However, movement and short attention spans are the hallmarks of childhood, and can’t be curbed. Instead of insisting that your child sit still, consider reading aloud to them in the same room while they play. This gives your child exposure to vocabulary and language, and can be an enjoyable bonding time for the both of you.

Make Reading a Part of Your Routine

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Similarly, inculcating positive reading habits from the start will help your child become a fluent reader in the future. One way to achieve this is to structure reading into your daily schedule. Once they recognise that reading is a consistent feature in their routine, children are less likely to be resistant to it.

You could also turn reading time into a special family tradition. Choose a quiet and conducive place to read together after school, or at bedtime. Take turns with your spouse to read with your child, so both of you get a chance to enjoy one-on-one time with your little one.

Inculcating positive reading habits from the start will help your child become a fluent reader in the future.

Keep it Age-Appropriate

Sometimes, a parent’s anxiety about their child’s reading ability stems from unrealistic expectations. It is important to know what the reading and comprehension milestones are for a child of that age, and take a measured approach when encouraging your child to read.

For example, you would not push a young child to read a complex article, but you might expect them to attempt a simple picture book with a few high-frequency words instead.

Encourage and Praise Often

Be patient with your child in their reading journey. Resist the urge to compare their reading level with their peers. Instead, focus on the effort that your child is making, and consistently praise your child for their hard work and perseverance. This will have a positive impact on them in the long run.

Visit the Library Regularly

Providing your child with access to a wide variety of books is important, but it doesn’t have to bust your budget. Make a visit to your neighbourhood library to expose your child to a vast range of books, ranging from fiction to non-fiction and covering a multitude of topics—there will certainly be something for everyone.

Look Out for Signs of Learning Needs

At times, despite a parent’s best efforts, a child may continue to struggle with reading. This might signal a learning need that needs to be addressed. Learning disabilities are not necessarily an impediment to reading well. With early intervention strategies and crucial support, children with learning needs may still progress in their reading abilities.

Teaching your child to read can be a precious and memorable milestone in your parenting journey. With a positive attitude and a conducive environment, you can cultivate a love for reading in your child, and strengthen your relationship with them at the same time.

This Mother’s Day, shower Mum with the love and affirmation that she needs. Download Celebrate Mum, and receive fresh ideas (and deals) on how to do just that!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

1 note · View note

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

How to Never Fall Out of Love with Your Spouse

Five tips that can make a world of difference in your marriage

By Focus on the Family Singapore

When the excitement of the wedding has tailed off and you begin to adjust to life together as husband and wife, here are five tips that will keep the spark of love, romance and passion alive in your marriage.

Stay Connected

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love requires effort.

Lasting romance is more about caring and communicating than it is about feelings. Do whatever it takes to stay connected. No matter how long you’re married, set aside at least fifteen minutes before bedtime to bond. Put aside all mobile devices but don’t use the time to discuss day-to-day concerns. If you don’t feel like talking, just cuddle together on the sofa. Let it just be a time of enjoying each other’s company.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love requires effort.

Give Thanks

The secret to staying together does not lie in having similar interests or personalities; rather, it is about cultivating a heart of thankfulness — even for your differences. Recognise the ways your spouse cares for you every single day, and express your gratitude.

Tell your husband you admire him for his level-headedness when discussing a problem, for instance. Or thank your wife when she does something thoughtful for you.

On special occasions, you can even make a thanksgiving list, listing down the things you love about your spouse, and then sharing them with him or her. This exercise not only helps you to be more aware of the good in your marriage, it will also enable you to see your spouse as a gift.

The secret to staying together lies in cultivating a heart of thankfulness.

Take Stock

Sit down regularly to discuss the decisions you need to make, or just to raise anything that may be weighing on your minds. Maybe he’s worried about finances while you may have concerns about your ability to balance work and family.

This is also a good time to sync up your calendars and plan for the future, such as scheduling date nights and family vacations. Take time to talk about where you want to be as a couple 10 or 20 years down the road, then work out a plan to make it happen.

Look Back

Recollecting special memories is of utmost importance. Reflecting on how far you have come as a couple helps you to look forward to a better future.

Make time to reminisce the wonderful times you’ve spent together, and even the difficulties or challenges you’ve faced – though painful, they can help you realise how you have grown stronger individually and as a couple.

Express Affection

Never hold back on the hugs, hand-holding and kisses to say, "Thank you for dinner", or "I appreciate you". Reach for your spouse’s hand every chance you’ve got when you’re in the car or watching a movie together.

A wedding vow is a promise you’ve made to commit to each other, no matter what life brings. May each wedding anniversary you celebrate together be a reminder of this precious promise you’ve made to each other for a lifetime.

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Raising the Banner for Family

Recognising Family Champions in Singapore – Paya Lebar Methodist Girls’ School (Secondary)

By Focus on the Family Singapore

Paya Lebar Methodist Girls’ School (Secondary) was awarded the Family Champions Award (Schools) at Focus on the Family Singapore’s Partnership Dinner 2018. This award is conferred on exemplary individuals and organisations that uphold and champion the institution of family in our nation.

PLMGS(S) understands the importance of working closely with parents because they have a unique role to play in influencing their child’s attitude, values and behaviour.

School principal Mrs Quek Li Gek shared, “Active family involvement is a powerful influence on students’ achievement and growth in school. Hence, schools and families should see students’ development as a shared responsibility.”

PLMGS(S) runs a plethora of family-centric programmes aimed at building a strong partnership between the school and parents.

It has an active Parents-School Support Group (PSSG), through which parent volunteers support students, teachers, and the school. The PSSG enables parents to come together and find mutual support, as well as provide a helping hand to the school for events such as the Chinese New Year reunion dinner for international students.

Fathers also have an avenue to get involved. PLMGS(S) runs a Fathers@School programme where they gather on the third Wednesday of each month and learn essential parenting skills over a leisurely breakfast.

The school works with Focus on the Family Singapore in engaging students as FamChamps to promote pro-family values and activities. FamChamps is a youth development initiative to help students appreciate and embrace the values of having a closely-knit family in their lives. These FamChamps assist to plan and run family-related events in school, like Parents Learning Festival and A Special Day with Dad.

The school has also made available a repository of parenting resources through their website, so parents can effectively support their children through the adolescent years.

Mrs Joanna Koh-Hoe, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore, said, “It’s inspiring to hear of the innovative programmes that PLMGS(S) has successfully implemented.

“As the secondary school years can often be a challenging and stressful period, it’s crucial that schools and parents come together to build trust and support — for the students’ benefit. I’m sure their efforts will reap lasting rewards in the years to come.”

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

When Separation Comes Too Soon

A tribute to my late wife

By Winston Kok

My extraordinary wife and life partner passed on in May 2011, after 20 months of battling stomach cancer.

We loved each other very much, and had been married for 30 years. She always was my supportive wife, friend, confidante and trusted helpmate.

I first met Connie in 1978 on a special occasion – we watched a live SBC variety show at the RTV studio and met through a mutual friend. The rest, as they say, is history. Through her influence, I learnt to trust and submit myself to Jesus through our shared faith. We got married after 3 years of dating.

Connie was intelligent and thoughtful, an inspiration to everyone around her. She also had a unique laugh and a sweet voice, which I miss very dearly. She liked me to kiss her and whisper “I love you” in her ear. I would oblige, even when I was tired and felt half-hearted about it.

When my job took me all over Asia from 2002 to 2005, she not only took good care of our 2 children and maintained the household excellently, she also served in church on top of her own office job.

Her work ethic and passion for God still live on in our children today. Our daughter leads the youth ministry in church despite her busy teaching schedule; our son and daughter-in-law actively volunteer in their church’s Sunday school.

In the earlier days when our children were younger, we would clash over how they should be raised. Connie was firm on them doing their best in school, and would dole out punishment when she felt they were not doing so. I thought she was too harsh, compared to my softer style of reasoning and use of rewards to encourage them when they do well.

We once had a major fight about who should do more of the household chores, when she claimed men were unwilling to take on more at home. It frustrated me because I was the sole breadwinner then and was emotionally present for her and the children, even though I wasn’t as detailed a parent as she was.

Yet in all of these disagreements, I preferred to resolve conflict quickly, so I would make the first move to reconcile. I wasn’t always happy to do it, but for the sake of our marriage and children, I knew that was something I had to do. We would go out for a movie or a meal, and it would help thaw the ice.

Although we had our fair share of disagreements about parenting, my wife set the rules within the home and gave our children a sense of security, self-discipline and responsibility, setting the foundation for the independent and reliable adults they are today.

For the sake of our marriage and children, I knew I had to make the first move to reconcile after an argument.

One of Connie’s greatest desires was to see our two children get married and welcome many grandchildren into the family, so she could visit and play with the kids. I’m sure she would have ensured that they would grow up healthy and happy, only leaving with happy smiles and full bellies whenever they visited.

Unfortunately, she fell ill. That visit to receive her biopsy report was the toughest meeting I’ve ever been in. I thought I was prepared for anything, but the prospect of losing my best friend shattered me. When we were in the doctor’s room together, I recall holding her hand and squeezing it so tightly when he broke the news. The words “in sickness and in health” came to mind, along with many other thoughts.

After surgery and radiation in 2009, Connie was cancer-free. But that joy didn’t last. I was thankful for the period of respite, and I was adamant to make her feel comfortable. We went on short holidays when she could manage them. I wanted to enjoy her company, her smell — just her — as much as I could.

In 2011, the cancer returned with a vengeance; it had spread to her intestines and the prognosis was bleak. The doctors did all they could, but alas, they could not save her.

My son got married three days before she passed on, so at least her wish to see her children marry and have their own children was partially fulfilled.

I wanted to enjoy her company, her smell — just her — as much as I could.

Oh, how I wish we had spent more time doing what made her happy. Before she fell sick, I thought we had a longer future together. Our marriage seemed good, but it wouldn’t have hurt me to make her happier. I wanted to make her happy, but I also wanted to make myself happy then.

Life as a widower is often challenging. The hardest part lies in managing my own emotions and grief even as I provide and care for my family.

She was the person our children shared their feelings with; they sought protection and comfort from her, and she is no longer here. I have to take up that role to meet their emotional needs. It was so difficult at first, coupled with the intense emotional pain as we all struggled to adapt to a new normal without my wife.

I still wish Connie was alive — even as we near the 7th anniversary of her passing — as I would love to see her happy and healthy, living life to its fullest. If she was here, I would give her all the love and affection I can muster.

Although we miss her dearly, she has left in each of us a legacy of love, faith and hope that unite us as a family. As a single parent, I’ll always remember what she has done for us, and will do my best to pass her baton of love and virtues on to our children and grandchildren.

Winston is a loving father and grandfather. Now in partial retirement, he enjoys spending time with family and dear friends, and finds joy in volunteering in his church.

This Mother’s Day, shower Mum with the love and affirmation that she needs. Get the Celebrate Mum guide instantly, and receive fresh ideas (and deals) to do just that!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

When Things Improved in My Relationship with Mum

A change for the better

By Sue-Ann Lee

Every mother-daughter relationship is unique and over a lifetime, goes through multiple transitions. Moving from the status of mother-daughter to grandmother-mother is a big adjustment that significantly alters the dynamic between a mother and her daughter.

Growing up, my mother was a typical, strict Asian mom. She practiced tough love and held high expectations for me and my younger sister, both academically and in the way we presented ourselves to others. She made sure that we were always dressed appropriately and on our best behaviour.

My mother stopped work when I was eight years old to devote her full attention to caring for us. As a stay-at-home mum, she was extremely adept at keeping a spotless home and making sure that all our needs were well taken care of. She even made sure that we had time to explore the arts through interesting excursions, and music and dance lessons.

However, during my teenage and young adulthood years, I rebelled against my mother by being messy and portraying a laid-back and indifferent attitude – things that I knew would irk her.

“…I rebelled against my mother by being messy and portraying a laid-back and indifferent attitude – things that I knew would irk her.”

When I got married, had my first child, and was learning how to run my own household, I slowly discovered great fulfilment in keeping the home and cooking for my family.

When number two and three came along, I caught myself making sure that they minded their manners and was always thinking of activities to enable them to explore creativity and the arts. My husband and I also made a deliberate decision for me to stay home and spend as much time as I could with the children.

I see now that the values my mother tried so hard to instil in us have influenced much of my own parenting style. While I spent a significant proportion of my adolescence deliberately being a complete opposite of my mother, I can see how much we actually have in common now that I am a mother myself.

“I see now that the values my mother tried so hard to instil in us have influenced much of my own parenting style.”

As I grow as a parent, I have stopped struggling to be different from my mother but instead, have learnt to embrace our similarities and appreciate the qualities I admire in her: Her spirit of hospitality, compassion, generosity as well as her remarkable ability to cook the most delicious Peranakan food!

Just as I have transitioned from a daughter to a mother, my mom also transitioned from being a mother to playing the role of a grandmother. Inspirational author Catherine Pulsifer writes, “Grand-mothers hold their grandchildren in a special place in their heart.” I can see this in my mother’s tender heart towards my children. She enjoys spending time with them, showering them with gifts, and always goes out of her way to make sure that each of my three children are treated to their favourite food whenever she sees them.

“…I have stopped struggling to be different from my mother but instead, have learnt to embrace our similarities and appreciate the qualities I admire in her.”

I am thankful that my children have the privilege of enjoying the company of a grandmother who loves them abundantly. In spite of the ups and downs in our mother-daughter relationship, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life as a mum has been enriched because of the sacrifice my mother made and the time she invested in me.

Without her, I wouldn’t be the mother that I am today and for that, I am grateful.

This Mother’s Day, shower Mum with the love and affirmation that she needs. Get the Celebrate Mumguide instantly, and receive fresh ideas (and deals) to do just that!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Talking to Children about Sexual Abuse

The urgency and importance for parents to start this conversation

By Sarah Chua

It is alarming to know that child sexual abuse cases are on the rise (Child abuse cases hit 8-year high, with spike in sexual abuse; Apr 15).

We affirm the stepping up of efforts to train more professionals and educate the public on child protection, family violence, and the need for intervention. We also agree that parents should discuss sexuality issues and sexual abuse with their children at the earliest possible time. (Spike in child sex abuse cases over last three years; Apr 16)

Many parents, however, are uncomfortable with broaching these topics with their young ones. But the costs of not addressing it might be devastatingly higher, so discomfort is a small price to pay to protect their children from such harms.

Parents can begin this important conversation by scheduling a fixed time to sit down with their child to discuss these issues.

Start by explaining to the child that every part of their body is good, but some body parts are private. Use the proper names, like penis and vagina, for these private body parts to help the child to identify them. This allows kids to understand their private parts correctly and talk about them with their parents, if the need arises.

Explain to the child that private body parts are not meant to be touched by others—except by their parents when they bathe and dress the child, and help the child to relieve themselves; and by doctors during medical exams.

If the child is not old enough to understand this, teach them that the parts of their body covered by a swimming suit are private areas that others cannot touch.

Tell the child that they must—and can always—let their parents know if anyone touches them in those private areas or any other body part in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Emphasise to them that this is regardless of who the person is (even if it is a family member, relative, neighbour, or teacher) or what the person says to them.

Parents should assure their kids that they will not get into any trouble or punishment if they have been inappropriately touched. Instead, parents must make it clear that they will be proud of their children for telling them, and that they will help their kids through the situation.

There are other steps parents can take to continue this conversation further. What is of utmost urgency and importance is for parents to start this important talk with their kids, so as to responsibly protect them from sexual abuse.

Sarah Chua (Ms) Parenting Specialist, Focus on the Family Singapore

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Perennial Standing for Family

Recognising Family Champions in Singapore – Perennial Real Estate Holdings

By Focus on the Family Singapore

Perennial Real Estate Holdings Limited, an integrated real estate and healthcare company, is a stalwart for families. It received the Family Champions Award (Corporate) at Focus on the Family Singapore’s Partnership Dinner this year. This award is conferred on exemplary individuals and organisations that uphold and champion the institution of family in our nation.

Perennial isn’t a run-of-the-mill property player. It takes pride in being pro-family and is constantly thinking of ways to enrich the lives of its employees and stakeholders.

In 2017, it sponsored the publication of The Rain Tree; this sponsorship was a means of engaging children and inculcating strong family values. The books were gifted to primary school libraries, the National Library, and child-centric beneficiary organisations in Singapore.

The organisation also actively supports Focus on the Family Singapore. All proceeds of The Rain Tree fund a special mother-and-child bonding programme called Create with Mum. With Perennial’s generous gift, mothers in challenging situations will benefit from the programme to strengthen ties with their tween as they navigate adolescence together.

Perennial believes that mothers play a pivotal role in guiding and shaping their children’s lives. Through supporting programmes such as Create with Mum, the company hopes to support mothers and honour the vital role they play in the family.

As one mother of a 13-year-old boy describes her Create with Mum experience, “I felt a camaraderie with other mothers. Even though we have different problems, we felt a sense of oneness through the pain and sacrifices that we all make and go through."

Besides partnering organisations like Focus on the Family Singapore, Perennial implements family-centric initiatives at their commercial properties to create memorable experiences for families. These fun activities range from outdoor movie screenings and Christmas cookie-making workshops to lantern painting during the Mid-Autumn Festival.

As a business, Perennial is focused on forging close familial ties between staff and their families. Over the past two years, it has enlisted family members’ participation in company-wide corporate social responsibility events, such as the Breast Cancer Foundation Singapore Pink Ribbon Walk 2017 and the Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped-Perennial International White Cane Day 2016.

Mrs Joanna Koh-Hoe, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore, said, “The most sustainable and successful companies today are the ones that can engage the hearts and minds of their staff members and motivate them to give their best. These employers will retain their most valuable people, while developing new competencies and knowledge to keep their business relevant in the digital age.

“I am heartened to hear of the good work that Perennial Real Estate Holdings has achieved on the family front, and I wish the company and its staff well as they continue to establish and uphold Family in their workplace.”

Mr Pua Seck Guan, CEO of Perennial Real Estate Holdings Ltd, said, “We share Focus' vision to help families thrive; it is our delight to champion the inaugural Create with Mum programme with them to honour mothers. Cohesive families and loving mother-child relationships translate to happy, motivated and resilient children—the future pillars of our nation.

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

4 Ways to Motivate a Child Facing Exam Stresses

How you can powerfully speak words of encouragement to your child

By Elvira Tan

Practical tips on how we can help our children craft an effective revision schedule, how to set goals, achieve better time management and hone exam-taking techniques are a dime a dozen. While helpful, they might only serve to manage exam stresses superficially.

Our children need to believe certain truths about themselves before they can effectively manage stress. They have to perceive themselves positively before greater self-motivation and better stress management follow, going beyond helping them manage stress in school and allow them to manage life’s stresses well.

Here are 4 things we can say to give our children confidence to face the challenges that exams bring, and to ultimately believe in themselves.

Exam results do not define your identity.

Our children must be reminded that exam results do not define their worth. They need to know that they are valued for who they are, not what they are able to achieve. When we treat our children better or bring them out for a nice meal because of an excellent exam result, then they will discover the correlation between their worth and their academic performances.

Our children need to know that they are valued for who they are, not what they are able to achieve.

However, if your child is consistently validated for displaying consideration when holding the lift doors open for an elderly neighbour, or showing self-control when a sibling breaks a prized possession, they will learn that we deeply value their positive character traits and wise choices.

The process of preparing for the exams matters more than the results.

Our children should be encouraged to focus on the process and not give up in the face of difficulty — persevering to get a math problem correct, meticulously sieving out contextual clues in a written passage, being humble and asking for help. These are examples of qualities we must validate when we see them in our children.

If you and your child are going through their first exam ever or first major exam, consider making a pact — no matter what results are achieved, you can say that you did your best as a team with the resources available.

It will help to shift the focus away from all the “what-ifs”. It is pointless to worry about the unknown future but more constructive when we focus on making the best of the situation in the present.

Let’s have fun! Let’s do a physical activity you like together!

We know that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Research shows that we all need rest to function optimally, and there are plenty of proven benefits that physical activity does for the human body and mind.

Let the children choose the activity or give each family member a chance to “promote” their favourite sport to the rest of the family through showing one another YouTube videos or giving a convincing 3-minute speech on the virtues of their favourite sport. Then do the sport together.

The key is to never stop making time for physical exercise and fun. If the family is stopped from attending birthday and wedding celebrations because one child has important exams, imagine the amount of stress that places on the child. Such a move also insinuates that exams are more important than family relationships and friendships, and celebrating significant moments in the lives of people close to us is unimportant in the face of exams.

If the family’s social life ends when one child has important exams to take, just imagine the amount of stress that places on the child.

Everything should be done in moderation. Perhaps cut down on the number of birthday parties or family get-togethers to go to but not completely eradicate them from the family schedule. There must be a balance in all things.

I love you no matter what.

This last thing to say to our children is simply just that. Let them know your love for them is unconditional.

The way we approach our children and their exams will have some effect on how they eventually perceive themselves as adults. Showing and saying that we love them in spite of failure, or in their perseverance to eventual success, help them believe that they can indeed overcome many things, including exam stresses.

This article was first published on MindChamps and was republished with permission.

This article was also published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

A Milestone in Strengthening Father-Daughter Bonds

Date with Dad Celebrates 10 Years of Impact

By Focus on the Family Singapore

Pre-school teacher Fiducia Lee considered her father as a typical Asian parent — restrained in expressions of love and affection, but uses acts of service to demonstrate his love.

Growing up, she often hesitated from sharing honestly with him because she was afraid of his criticisms. While she knew her father loved her through his actions, she felt it wasn’t enough.

When she and her father attended Date with Dad in 2013, it transformed their relationship. She had just broken with her boyfriend, and was struggling in her relationship with her parents.

Calling it the “turning point” for them, it helped Ms Lee realise her father’s deep love for her. Keeping the ‘Worth the Wait’ ring and event photos close to her, these items serve as reminders of the special date and the affirmation he gave her then. Five years on, she acknowledges that they’re still working on their father-daughter relationship but have come a long way since.

On 7 April 2018, Focus on the Family Singapore celebrated their 10th anniversary of Date with Dad with over 320 fathers and daughters strengthening their bond through letters of love and affirmation.

Date with Dad was the turning point in their father-daughter relationship.

This year, the high-tea event culminated in a father-daughter dance, ending on a sweet note of fatherly tenderness and commitment. One participant, Wayne Toh, said that he became more aware of his natural protective instincts over his daughter when they shared this dance, and it was an unexpected emotion that topped off the afternoon for him.

From its humble beginnings at the now-defunct Big Splash to the finer touches of the Grand Mandarin Ballroom at the Mandarin Orchard Singapore, Date with Dad has come a long way, but not without the support and sponsorship of partners like OUE, Mandarin Orchard Singapore, and other prize sponsors this year like Jill Lowe and Sentosa 4D Adventureland. The real estate developer has demonstrated its steadfast support for Date with Dad, this year being their 5th time sponsoring the event.

Research consistently shows the positive impact that affirming fathers have on their daughters’ sense of self-worth and confidence as they enter womanhood. Positive father-daughter relationships lead to healthier romantic relationships and friendships. These young women tend to have a better understanding of what it means to be treated with respect and how to treat others, especially within courtship and marriage. A union built upon mutual respect and love will also encourage healthier families.

Positive father-daughter relationships lead to healthier romantic relationships and friendships.

Joanna Koh-Hoe, CEO of Focus on the Family Singapore, shared, “Our ultimate aim is to encourage fathers to spend quality time with their daughter. It can range from a special afternoon like Date with Dad, to engaging in sports or sharing a meal together, or even something quiet and ordinary like a walk in the park.”

Ms Lee’s ex-boyfriend knew how to woo her, and capture the affections of her heart, but deep down she knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Upon reflection, Ms Lee shared that fathers have to realise their key role in showing affection and conveying a secure sense of identity to their daughters.

“If a father does not know how to say ‘I love you’ to his own daughter, the chances of her running into the arms of another man when he tells her ‘I love you’ is very high. Every father needs to affirm his love for his daughter.”

A father is indeed irreplaceable in his daughter’s life, and the impact he has can never be erased. Join us at our next Date with Dad!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

How To Build a Strong Marriage That Lasts

Teamwork helps you and your spouse forge a strong union.

By June Yong

Many couples start off strong, endeavouring to work hard hand-in-hand to keep the love alive. But when life’s challenges spring up and strain the relationship, we often find ourselves discouraged.

We know it takes effort from both husband and wife to make a marriage work, but what does teamwork look like in a marriage? Here are a few pointers we can apply to our own marriage.

Play to each other’s strengths

Marriages gain strength when we are able to set our egos aside and learn to leverage on each other’s strengths. My husband is better in finance, so he manages the family budget. Since he’s also a more rational problem-solver, so I make it a point to consult his views before making big decisions that may impact the whole family. As I am the intuitive one, I tend to keep a better pulse of what’s going on in our children’s lives, and will often flag issues before they snowball into bigger problems.

Keep wooing each other in marriage

Couples who remain loving do not leave it to chance; they work hard at keeping the love and romance alive in marriage.

A couple we know bought smart watches to stay connected in their quest to get fit. They would send texts through the day to cheer each other on whenever they get notifications on the amount of calories burnt.

Don’t allow complacency to creep into our marriage. Make an effort to surprise our spouses, and try new things together, be it taking a cooking lesson together or going on a ski trip.

Shift our mindset from “me” to “we”

For the higher goal of building and strengthening the relationship, sometimes sacrifices are needed. When we give up something for our spouse's sake, we communicate that our marriage is more important that our personal ambitions and dreams.

Acts of sacrifice — sprinkled freely throughout a marriage — make love richer and deeper.

Acts of sacrifice make love richer and deeper.

Call for time-out regularly

Regularly taking time off our busy schedules ensures that we have more opportunities to connect with each other. This is invaluable for building up our marriages.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with babysitting; enjoy date nights without feeling guilty for leaving the kids behind. My husband and I now try to take a short retreat every year, just so that we can re-focus on our marriage, reflect on our experiences, and adjust our expectations.

Be your spouse’s biggest fan

Be generous with compliments and encouragement for our spouse. Let them know that we believe in them, and are cheering them on.

Don’t underestimate the power of saying “thank you” to our spouse and showing gratitude daily —no matter how small the act of service is. These little words can enhance the relationship and help us to focus on our life partner’s good points.

When personal flaws surface and bring tension into the marriage, work on forgiving quickly. View each other with compassionate eyes and seek to understand their point of view first before asserting yours.

Don’t underestimate the power of saying “thank you” to your spouse.

A marriage is living and growing; the odds of having a winning marriage is far greater when both partners put in the teamwork needed.

When we enter into marriage committed to work in partnership, and to celebrate our spouse’s good points and forgive the bad, we are in a stronger position to forge a loving and strong marriage that will last a lifetime.

This article was adapted and republished with permission from StyleXStyle.

Strengthen your relationship with Marriage Builders, whether you are engaged, newly wed, or married for over 20 years!

This article was also published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Mum, When Can I Start Dating?

Teaching your child about love, dating and relationships.

By Judith Xavier

The tween years are an interesting time for your children, as they begin to take their first steps towards puberty, and naturally, start getting curious about the world of dating and relationships. The good news is that in those fleeting tween-age years before your young one crosses over from childhood to being a full-fledged teenager, he or she is likely to be open with you about their thoughts and feelings. This is a good time for parents to guide their children towards a healthy understanding of love and relationships.

Get Inside your Child’s World

One of the most valuable ways that you can invest in your parent-child relationship is to connect with your childand understand the world through her eyes. Spend time together, and be present as you have conversations on who her friends are, and what she likes, dislikes, dreams and worries about. This will give insights into your child, and enable you to guide her views on relationships, and also to directly address any misconceptions that you might pick up on.

Keep Clear of Negative Talk

It can be tempting to steer your child away from all conversations about love and relationships. Some parents may be fearful of their child dating before he is emotionally ready, or dating someone unsuitable. However, avoid making blanket statements about dating, such as, “dating is bad for you” and “dating will distract you from your studies, and you will fail!”. Instead, encourage conversations and engage with your children as they share with you their thoughts.

Emphasise Positive Friendships

The most vital relationship advice you can share with your child is that all positive romantic relationships are rooted in strong friendships. Discuss with your child the traits found in good relationships such as mutual respect, compromise, being supportive and having healthy boundaries. Take the time to clearly share how these are also traits that are found in solid friendships. You might even share about the positive experiences of relatives and family friends to provide your child with real-life examples that she can relate to. Provide your child with the opportunities to form healthy friendships with both boys and girls, and open your home to these friends so that they can safely meet together and bond with some parental supervision.

Set Boundaries Early

Some parents opt to take a ‘wait and see’ approach to dating and relationship boundaries, clamping down on when they believe their child has crossed the line when it comes to dating. This is likely to lead to resentment towards the parents and conflict in the family. Instead, it is advisable to set boundaries with your children even before they start dating. Have an upfront discussion about the do’s and don’ts of dating, and even friendships with the opposite sex. For example, you might want to stipulate that friends of the opposite sex are not allowed in the bedroom, or that an adult must be present when they come over to visit. Setting the expectations right at the start will minimise conflict and miscommunication in future.

Be a Positive Role Model

As a general rule, your children will observe how you behave in your relationships and follow the example that you set. In fact, this is probably the most effective way you can positively influence your child’s attitudes and behaviour towards relationships, and any other area of life. Invest time and effort in your own marriage to model what a healthy relationship looks like. As your child watches how you interact with your spouse, it sets the standard for the kind of relationships that he will pursue in future.

Explaining dating and relationships to your child can be a challenging task, but also an extremely rewarding one for parents. Ensuring that your child has the right attitude and values in this area will set them up for success in their future relationships – and both your child and their spouse will thank you for it.

This article was first published on MindChamps and was republished with permission.

This article was also published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

A Letter to My Husband, My Encourager

Seeing each other’s weaknesses in a new light

By Sarah Chua

To my dearest husband, Steven,

We were friends for many years, and I never thought we would end up getting married. We’re as different as chalk and cheese, night and day; that’s exactly what everyone said when we shared that we were in a relationship. In fact, when I first told a trusted friend that I think you were interested in me, she burst out laughing and said that was impossible because we simply had nothing in common!

I guess that’s why our wedding song was so apt: “And at last, I see the light, it’s like the fog has lifted … all at once, everything looks different, now that I see you”.

Staying committed to each other in spite our differences

We’ve been married for over 6 years now and what a journey it has been! We have discovered that despite our differences, we do share many things in common. Sure, we’ve had countless fights and arguments due to our differences, but we’ve never given up on each other because we’ve made a commitment to stay together, till death do us part.

In the early days of marriage, we quickly discovered how we handled conflicts was very different. You would want to talk about the issue immediately and confront it, while I needed space and time to process my thoughts and emotions before I could talk about it. This led to one of our biggest fights and I actually ran into our room — locking you outside — so that I had some breathing space. I remember you persistently knocking on the door, which just frustrated me more. Thankfully, you have since learnt to give me space when I need it, as well as discerning the right time to talk through our conflicts.

There are times when you forget to do the things that I asked you to do, and I lost my patience at you. Yet you would ever so gently listen to me rant and vent, and lovingly take me into your arms for a long, reassuring hug after I’ve calmed down. You are such a gentle giant and your unwavering patience spurs me to work on my short fuse.

You may not be a romantic, nor the type to sweep me off my feet with flowers, love songs or extravagance; but you have shown me a love that is confident and secure, and this gives me courage to face all of life’s unknowns together with you.

You have shown me a love that is confident and secure, and this gives me courage to face all of life’s unknowns together with you.

I will never forget how you had to clean up after me when I was sick from food poisoning, or the time you still drank the cup of coffee that I accidentally put pepper in because I was so sleep-deprived. No matter how difficult or uncomfortable the situation may be (because of me), you never once made me feel guilty and you always take it in your stride. Sometimes, you even help me find the silver lining in every cloud.

What was negative transformed into something reassuring

Your steadfastness — which I often labelled as being too slow to respond, and frustrated me — became a pillar of strength to me when we became parents. It meant that you were never flustered in the face of all our parenting challenges.

When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and could no longer eat my favourite fries, you chose to make the same sacrifices and went on the same unpalatable no-carb diet that I was forced to go on for the rest of my pregnancy.

When our first child cried non-stop for hours and refused to sleep, you put him in a carrier and go for long walks. When I was diagnosed with tenosynovitis, making my wrist too weak to hold him for a bath, you would drive home at lunch time every day to help me before heading back to the office.

As I reflect on our marriage, I am so thankful for all the ways you complement me. What I used to think were your weaknesses, I now know are actually strengths; beautiful qualities that I appreciate dearly especially when it comes to dealing with my weaknesses.

What I used to think were your weaknesses, I now know are actually strengths.

I love you and I look forward to growing old with you.

With all my love, always,

Sarah

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

3 Things My Dad Did That Made All The Difference

One mother recalls how having a constant, loving father has enriched her through the years.

By Judith Xavier

As a child, I viewed my father through typical kid-sized lens, seeing him as a larger-than-life figure who had the final say on most things at home, signed test papers and doled out pocket money.

I can describe my father in many different ways – my rock in difficult times, a prayer warrior, dispenser of good advice, always ready with a wry humorous observation. While it may seem like I am describing the perfect father, Papa is certainly not a saint. Instead, he is an imperfect man who has chosen daily to love his children deeply and unwaveringly. As his daughter, this choice has made an indelible impact on my life.

His time, my joy

If there was one thing my father gave me, it was his time. While he worked full days, and taught night classes thrice a week for most of my childhood, he found pockets of time to connect with us meaningfully, in ways that we enjoyed. The simplest of things helped us connect — conversations over dinner or watching a television programme together.

When I entered the working world as a young adult, I realised the sheer effort it must have taken for my father to make quality time for us, despite his busy schedule. I also see the wisdom in it now —childhood is fleeting, and time invested in building a parent-child relationship will never come to naught.

His affirmation, my resilience

Like most Singaporean children, school was a significant part of my younger days. I was an average student at best, and ‘F’s appeared in my report book on a regular basis, particularly in the teenage years. I knew it troubled Papa that I wasn’t doing as well as he had hoped. But he set aside his own anxieties in order to build up my self-esteem. He would ask me how I thought I did, and what I could do better next time, after I sat for each exam paper.

Rather than focusing on getting a specific grade, his aim was to give me a sense of ownership and agency in my own education. He identified my strengths and encouraged me to hone them. Above all, his constant affirmation reassured me that while school and grades were important, they did not define me.

As a parent, my greatest wish is that my children will be able to pick themselves up and move forward when they face failure. My father taught me an important lesson with his actions; constant encouragement and affirmation are key to building resilience in a child, and it is something I try to do with my own children.

Constant encouragement and affirmation are key to building resilience in a child.

His love for my mother, my self-worth

Above all, the greatest gift that Papa has given me is his love and support…to my mum. Growing up, I observed both my parents being equally involved in family responsibilities such as housekeeping and child-rearing. As I watched my father help out around the home and be a hands-on parent, I learnt what a healthy marriage partnership looked like.

The greatest gift that Papa has given me is his love and support…to my mum.

One of my earliest memories of my parents is my father telling my mother how beautiful she looked as they prepared to go out for an event. Now, nearly forty years later, he never fails to compliment her as they dress up for functions. While these sweet affirmations come naturally at the start of most marriages, my father has shown me that it is possible (and healthy) to continue to cherish and compliment our spouses through the years.

Linda Nielsen, author of Father-Daughter Relationships: Contemporary Research & Issues, observed that daughters who were “well-fathered” were more likely to have emotionally intimate and enriching romantic relationships, less likely to be persuaded into having sex, and generally enjoyed satisfying and long-lasting marriages.

I have seen this to be true in my own life. Having a father like Papa didn’t provide an instant shield from unhealthy relationships, but it definitely helped me be more aware of positive and negative behaviour, and be bold enough to address them.

Having a constant, loving father figure has enriched my life greatly. Beyond the good memories, simply knowing that my father felt that I was worth his time and effort has helped to shape my self-confidence and sense of self-worth.

Dads, it doesn’t take money or grand gestures to be a good parent. You can make all the difference in your child’s life, just by being there for them.

Dads, want to nurture a relationship with your daughter that lasts? Invite your daughter and join us at Date with Dadfor an unforgettable afternoon, designed to build lasting bonds between the both of you!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

For Parents of Children with Special Needs

The journey is tiring, but you don’t have to walk alone

By June Yong

Dear parents of a child with special needs,

In my work with children who have different learning and behavioural needs, I’ve seen you struggle through a tiring, confusing and emotionally charged journey. May these words remind and encourage you to persevere.

This is not your fault

This has happened, but it’s not because you let them get vaccinated, or spanked them when they were whiny and difficult as a toddler. Nor is your child trying to punish or make life difficult for you.

In the darker days, when you can’t help but ask “why me?”, my best answer is this: You and your family were chosen for this special task and responsibility — to raise and nurture your beautiful child to the best of your ability.

With a clear sense of purpose, I hope you can cope with the HOWs — how you’re going to help your child, how you’re going to equip him with the necessary self-help skills to live a functional and meaningful life.

Remember that your child is a blessing, not a burden

This may be obvious but sometimes we all need a reminder.

There are days you’re struggling to keep your eyes open, or hold their hands, or stay hopeful. There are moments where you just wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow you whole. Sometimes, you feel like running away from the harsh realities (and you’re wracked with guilt afterwards).

But your child is a special blessing; while none of us are able to see the end of the road now, we have to believe that our kids have a special purpose in this world.

Your child is a blessing, not a burden

Remember to hold joy

The journey may be filled with obstacles, but there is also progress. I am always astounded when I witness the progress and growth in my students, who are mostly preschoolers on the autism spectrum.

As a parent of a child with different needs, you have a special privilege — to hold and witness the joy of every little progress, every step forward made. Never mind that it’s uneven, or that it seems like a backward-forward dance.

From not being to hold your gaze or not allowing you to hug them, to initiating a touch and meeting your smile with one of their own. This joy is yours to own and cherish. Let no one, criticism or unmet expectation steal that from you.

Remember that your child has strengths too

Therapists and teachers focus on building skills where little existed before. But we also notice their strengths and interests to help these work for them, not against them. It’s important that you do the same.

I once worked with a boy who loves numbers. In spite of his tender age, he could understand and read numbers into the 100s. His favourite game was lining up and counting magnetic numbers that was stored away in the therapy room.

I would broaden his play skills and repertoire of interests by using blocks and other toys. But when I worked with him on certain skills such as memory and sequencing, he performed best when the tools at hand were…you guessed it, numbers.

Use their strengths and interests to work for them, not against them.

Remember that it’s okay to ask for help so you can rest

Sometimes the practical help and non-judgmental presence of a real friend can help you keep going.

You don’t need any more advice or strategies — you’ve already gotten your week’s worth from the therapists taking care of your child.

But an extra hand, an hour of peace and rest, or someone to walk alongside you — these are worth their weight in gold.

Don’t feel guilty for getting some me-time; it is a legitimate need. The better care you give yourself, the better you can serve your family’s needs too.

Remember that you do not walk alone

Not only is there a growing supportive community of parents with special kids, there is also increasing social awareness about your child’s needs. Starting from hospitals, research departments and schools, even TV programmes like Sesame Street recently introduced Julia, an autistic muppet, to the show.

Of course, there is much more for the world to learn, and new things are being discovered every day. I know you often wish the world could be more understanding and patient to the needs of your child.

Regardless of where society is at, you are your child’s greatest supporter and guide. Where understanding is lacking, you too have a special role to fill those gaps.

Know that it is in giving that you fully live

Some days you aren’t even sure if there is anything left in you to give. But take heart; know that you’ll be able to face the challenges ahead together with your child. Through this giving, through your heartache and sacrifice, comes a life worth living.

You can make this world a better place.

With my heartfelt and best wishes, June

June blogs about parenting and education at www.mamawearpapashirt.com.

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

How to Empower Kids to Play on Their Own

Do parents get a break when their kids play?

By June Yong

As an introverted parent, I know the importance of downtime and solitary time…because my sanity depends on it.

From the time my kids were young (read: not walking yet), I was always sneaking off when they were pre-occupied with a toy — to make myself a cup of coffee, or even for a quick shower. I knew instinctively that training them to be alone with themselves was a good skill, but apart from needing some space for myself, I never really knew why.

So I was delighted to discover psychologist Kathy Hirsh-Pasek’s work, and this quote resonated with me! "Many parents believe that they should constantly engage with their children, but that mentality leaves no time for relaxation — and creates stress that your kids pick up on."

She strongly espouses providing children ample opportunities to occupy themselves, which helps them develop the skills of creativity, critical thinking, and confidence — 3Cs that are essential to growing up and maturing well.

Many parents believe that they should constantly engage with their children, but that mentality leaves no time for relaxation — and creates stress that your kids pick up on.

While this is a great skill to cultivate, how exactly do we encourage its development? Here are some ideas to get you thinking.

1. Place open-ended toys in their play area One way to work towards hours of self-entertaining play is to invest in quality open-ended toys. These can be used in many ways, depending on your child’s preference and imagination for the day. Consider building blocks, drawing and art materials, puzzles and play-imagine materials (such as cooking sets or dress-up props). Card games like Uno or Spot It! are good family activities that can be used for individual play.

2. Get your child started Merely availing these toys to your child does not guarantee that they’ll play with them independently. To build this skill, you’ll need to invest some time to help them get used to the idea. Remember that it is only natural for your child to want your presence and attention as they play.

As with new concepts, scaffold the learning: For day one, start by playing with your child. Accept and affirm their ideas, give them new vocabulary by describing what they are doing, and help them express themselves by asking questions.

On day two or three, prepare them to expect that you‘ll step away for a while to prepare their snack (or some other reason). If necessary, use a timer to help them understand the concept of time.

Assure them that you’ll be back to check on them shortly. Chances are they will come running after you in about 30 seconds, but that’s okay — remember that they need time too.

Once they get used to you leaving the room, you can stretch the duration of alone-time to 15, 20 minutes depending on your child’s age. Remember to praise your child for playing on their own and reconnect with them by giving them undivided attention afterwards.

Remember to praise your child for playing on their own and reconnect with them by giving them undivided attention afterwards.

I remember introducing my 3 children to a board game called Outfoxed — a team-building game that pits players against a wily fox. When we first played the game, I walked them through the rules and we had a lot of fun trying to solve the mystery and catch the culprit as a team. The next day, I found my kids huddled together in my oldest child’s room and playing the game on their own. Needless to say, I backed out of the room quietly and didn’t intrude on their cosy session, smiling to myself as I made a cup of coffee!

3. Model how to be bored for them Children learn from what they see. What do you do when you have some minutes to spare? Does your child see you reaching for the phone each time? Or do they see you making notes on a piece of paper, or organising things in the home?

If you want them to know that it’s okay to be bored, model your desired behaviour. When you have some downtime, share your thoughts with them. You could say within your child’s earshot, “Oh I have 15 minutes before I need to prepare dinner, maybe I should do some doodling or check out a new recipe.”

4. Explain why you need your own time too When your child is still young (2 to 3 years old), talk to them about the things you enjoy doing alone — from having a cup of coffee at the café to relishing a good book or crafting and journalling — and how refreshed or happy you feel after that.

This helps to change their mindset that being alone is something scary and to be avoided, to something that is necessary and beneficial.

With these tips, your child will hopefully begin to enjoy independent play and exploration. And don’t be surprised if they regale you with stories of their new discoveries and creations.

Learn how to empower your children to be independent by joining us at our next Parenting with Confidence (0-6 years) workshop!

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes

focussg-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Invest in the Small Things to Strengthen Your Marriage

The importance of consistency in strengthening a marriage.

By Vicky Ho

In Singapore, latest figures show that marital dissolutions are still on a high where there were 7,614 divorces and annulments in 2016 (47.8% increase from 2000). Most notably, infidelity and extra marital affairs are cited as the top main cause of marriage breakdowns (Singapore Department of Statistics, 2016).

Trust and intimacy are essential for married couples to nurture a resilient marriage yet amidst busy schedules, caregiving and parenting responsibilities, it can be challenging for couples to prioritise one-on-one time with each other. Therefore, it is crucial that we encourage married couples to be intentional about investing in their marriage by cherishing their spouse and expressing love through the simple, everyday moments.

A Families for Life poll in 2015 on Marriage which surveyed 608 respondents showed that more than half of the participants had experienced challenges in ‘keeping the spark in the marriage alive’ (Families for Life, 2015). Taking small but regular and consistent actions are key for married couples in rekindling the spark in their marriage and nurturing greater intimacy.

One simple and intentional way for couples to express their love includes affirming and communicating the traits, qualities, behaviours, that they value about each other. Appreciating and honouring one another for the simple things– whether it’s preparing a cup of coffee for your spouse each morning, or saying ‘thank you’ when they help with the dishes at night – will also go a long way in fostering a strong marital relationship. Research suggests that both husbands and wives value simple but meaningful everyday affirmations such as encouraging words, gratitude, and physical affection (Marigold, Holmes & Ross, 2007).

In addition, Feldhahn (2013) discovered that husbands were most satisfied when they received thanks and wives were most satisfied when they experienced physical displays of affection such as holding hands.

From our interactions with couples who come for marriage coaching, counselling or participated in our programmes, including Celebrate Marriage – an annual campaign by Focus on the Family Singapore around Valentine’s Day, we observe that marriages can thrive when couples move beyond the realm of emotions after the romantic feelings of love fade over time, and adopt a consistent attitude towards investing in their marital relationship.

Truly, love is in the small things.

Vicky Ho (Ms) Head of Research and Development, Focus on the Family Singapore

References:

Feldhahn, S. (2013). The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Families for Life. (2015). Families for Life online marriage poll. Retrieved fromhttps://www.familiesforlife.sg/polls/Documents/MarriagePoll2015Infogx.png Marigold, D. C., Holmes, J. G., & Ross, M. (2007). More than words: reframing compliments from romantic partners fosters security in low self-esteem individuals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 232-248. Singapore Department of Statistics. (2016). Statistics on Marriage and Divorces. Retrieved from http://www.singstat.gov.sg/docs/default-source/default-document-library/publications/publications_and_papers/marriages_and_divorces/smd2016.pdf

This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.

0 notes