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on shifting careers

In a few days, mareregular na ako sa work. I admit hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan half of the things I’m doing as a financial analyst because it’s more of a niche job than being a normal data analyst. Grabe rin ano, last year office interior design ang trabaho ko. Ngayon, puro numbers and SQL scripts na ang nakikita ko.

Magta-try din ako mag-aral ulit sa PUP OU this coming semester. Fingers crossed, matanggap ako since one year diploma lang yun.

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two and a half months na ako sa new work. nangangapa pa rin pero keri naman, i guess? unti-unting natututo, unti-unting na-a-absorb lalo yung mga financial terms.

wala naman ako impostor syndrome. basta gawa lang nang gawa hahahaha.

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career shift

Last year ko pa mina-manifest pero ngayon tuloy na tuloy na. Nag-resign na ako sa work ko noong June 15 and last day ko next week, July 14. Thirty days render kasi pero ang bilis lang pala. Last few days ko nang magtatrabaho as an interior designer.

Well, technically licensed pa rin naman ako pero alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko na ipa-practice ulit nang full time. Overworked and underpaid naman mga designers dito. My current company is one of the few ones that pay us decently. So kahit na okay company ko, okay culture, okay benefits, alam ko na kailangan ko nang umalis kung hindi masa-stuck na ako dun. Actually iniyakan ko rin nung nag-resign ako kasi malungkot naman talaga ako to be leaving my team. Pero I need growth.

So saan na ako? Tuloy na sa pagiging data analyst, specifically financial analyst. Ang layo no? Hahaha pero kailangan ko rin tanggapin na mas gusto ng utak ko mag-analyze kaysa maging creative.

Ayun muna. Mas mahabang kwento kung detalyado na paano ako napunta dito, pero halong swerte talaga kasama ng hard work e.

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hello

pinalaki talaga ako ng tumblr in the sense na kapag may nangyayari sa buhay ko, gusto kong ikwento nang mahaba with details. e hindi naman kasya sa tweets yun so dito na lang ba ako ulit magkukwento?

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Hey did you know I keep a google drive folder with linguistics and language books  that I try to update regularly 

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Fret not: there's a lot left to discover and experience.

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Ang weird na nararamdaman ko ‘tong inggit na ‘to e it’s been years. Baka kasi talaga I’m in dire need of social interaction. The pandemic has made making new friends weird.

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At this point, I really feel like I'm just forcing things.

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I… have no words. I totally can relate to this as a demi. When I was younger, I was okay with the idea that I’ll stay single for the rest of my life because I didn’ t really have crushes. Whenever I tell people this, they automatically think that I’m joking or that I was just too young.

Now that I’m in a relationship, I feel like I’m not giving my partner the happiness he deserves because I have ‘defects’.

Oh well

Y'know, whenever people want to talk about why aspec people 'count' as an oppressed identity, they tend to go for the big stuff like corrective rape and conversion therapy. And like, we should absolutely talk about that stuff. Obviously those things are terrible and important and we need to raise awareness and deal with them.

But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.

You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.

You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.

You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.

You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.

And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.

(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)

Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.

If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.

This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.

I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?

So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.

No matter what anybody tells you, we have the right to demand more from life than this.

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being a self-taught artist with no formal training is having done art seriously since you were a young teenager and only finding out that you’re supposed to do warm up sketches every time you’re about to work on serious art when you’re fuckin twenty-five

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hobbies masterpost!

a really excellent way to reduce anxiety is to pick up a new hobby. find something you’re interested in, learn it, then use it as a healthy and productive way to cope.

learn to play guitar

learn how to make interactive stories with the free program Twine

learn how to make pixel art

learn another language

learn how to build a ship in a bottle

learn how to develop your own film

learn how to embroider

learn how to make chiptunes (8-bit music)

learn how to make origami (the art of paper folding)

learn how to make tumblr themes

learn how to make jewelry 

learn how to make candy

learn how to make terrariums

learn how to make your own perfume

learn how to make your own tea

learn how to build birdhouses

learn how to read tarot cards

learn how to make zines

learn how to code

learn how to whittle (wood carving)

learn how to make candles

learn how to make clay figurines

learn how to knit scarves

learn how to become an amateur astronomer

learn some yoyo tricks

learn how to start a collection

learn how to start body building

learn how to edit wikipedia articles

learn how to decorate iphone cases

learn how to do freelance writing

learn how to make your own cards and

learn how to make your own envelopes

learn how to play the ukulele 

learn how to make gifs

learn how to play chess

learn how to juggle

learn how to guerrilla garden

learn how to chart your family history

learn how to keep chickens

learn how to do yoga

learn how to do magic

learn how to raise and breed butterflies

learn how to play dungeons & dragons

learn how to skateboard

learn how to do parkour

learn how to surf

learn how to arrange flowers

learn how to make stuffed animals

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Feeling ko nasa quarter life crisis na ako. Pagpasok ng taon nafeel ko na to pero ngayon ko lang yata narerealize na I'm going through this. Nawalan ako ng gana gawin lahat ng gusto kong gawin. Hanggang ngayon wala akong gana. Alam mo yung feeling na lost ako kasi hindi ko na alam kung anong gusto kong gawin sa buhay? Ngayon tinatanong ko pa sa sarili ko kung ano talagang gusto kong gawin. Like, in an ideal world, what would I like to do? What would I like to become? If I am not in it for the money, will I continue doing what I'm doing?

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Grabe talaga tulog ko kapag meron ako. Complete 9 hours dapat pero antok pa rin ako paggising ko lol

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Nagdelete ako ng social media apps ko para mag-detox. Wala lang, sobrang napepressure lang ako sa mga kaedad kong ang daming ginagawa sa buhay at well off na. Napapacheck pa rin ako Facebook pero para lang magcheck ng notifs so mga 5 minutes lang. Yung Twitter at IG, second day na today na hindi ko talaga tinitignan. Lol sana tumagal ako

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May pinag-uusapan kami kanina na head ng kabataan sa church nila Philip na mukhang buntis daw. Ikakasal naman na raw sa January pero ayun nga, nachichismis. Haha. Nagcomment raw yung mama nila Philip sa kapatid niya na mukha raw ang daming nabuntis this quarantine.

Tinext ko si Philip after.

Me: Daming nabuntis this quarantine and hindi ako isa dun. I should get an award or something.

Philip: Hahaha. Credits din sakin. Charot.

Hahaha ulul. Ayoko talaga ng anak anytime soon. Di ko kaya