for-mason - Tumblr blog

[for-mason]

I've had so much fun with you lately. New Years Eve birthday barhopping, karaoke night out, and we've even got some of our goofy playfulness back.

So much this past year, I was scared of losing you after the breakup. That first you lose your love for me, then the friendship starts to fade. And in truth, that has happened a little. We touch less, the dynamic has changed a little. You haven't noticed, but I've seen how the level of care has dropped. It's been enough that at times I considered it might be best for me to cut things off or leave town for my own mental health.

But as bad as I feel, and as worse as I know it will get, I enjoy all the time I spend with you. Genuinely, truly, I am at my happiest when I'm with you. I sleep my most peaceful with you by my side - how on earth do we have as much fun as we do, with you staying the night as often as we do, while denying the bond between us?

Two things keep me staying, and not just the impossibly deep love I feel for you.

Nights out drinking means drunk Mason lets slip his inhibitions, and not even your best friend knows how to handle your flavour of autism when it slips out. It's not a bragging point when I ask, who else is able to care for you as I do? Because at those moments, when the senses and the somatic overwhelm you, nobody else has been able to calm you down and keep you steady as I do. I worry about you. As someone who has been your deepest partner, and who you continue to find comfort in even in your non-verbal and deeply distressed states.

And after you came down from your last moment, returning to bed after recovering on the cold tile floor of my bathroom, you wept for your best friend having to move away, how scared you were of all your friends eventually leaving you when they have to move jobs or towns, how scared you are that they'll eventually stop talking to you and drift off.

How close you came to understanding my fear when the one man who couldn't possibly ever leave me suddenly did.

But for those reasons... I won't. You might not be the man who swore that he'll always be mine, but you're still the man I love and care for. And while you'll never have to worry about not attracting friends, this is one you'll never lose. I won't leave you without my support, you're too important to me to ever do that.

It's just going to hurt like hell. But sometimes that's the life we get.

[for-mason]

i dont know what to do

[for-mason]

Whenever we hang out and have fun like this I am at my absolute happiest. I wish I could freeze these moments in time.

[for-mason]

It still hurts tho

[for-mason]

Ok I still get anxious. It's just a dull resigned anxiety rather than a full panicking-until-I-get-back-into-bed.

[for-mason]

When we had broken up, naturally I was sad. And you cared so much and tried to care for me.

Through the summer, my depression gave way to panic attacks. It began to frustrate you, how you'd see me regularly but I'd act as if I hadn't seen you in months.

Right now, what I feel is numb. I'm still depressed, and the anguish still makes me cry. But there are fewer anxieties and panic attacks, as I've internalized that I'm not getting my boyfriend back.

Perhaps there would have been a chance early in the breakup when you were aching to say yes to getting back together.

It kills me that this is where life has taken us. My hope that we might be fixed is what's kept me going.

I honestly don't know anymore. But I know it's out of my hands.

[for-mason]

Energy

Some days are like

Other days, like

[for-mason]

I want to be close

I want to be close to you again.

There is a shared frustration in asexual circles when a breakup is treated like a demotion. That becoming a friend is not a lesser status. And you yourself have said I'm one of your best friends still, that you see me as more of a friend than an ex, that we hang out all the time.

But it feels like one when we do less and less when we hang out. When you just zip away when it's time to leave. When we don't talk as much online.

I feel more distant than ever from the guy who has been like family to me.

Am I still family to you?

[for-mason]

Rollercoaster

Some days, it's the easiest thing in the world to be happy. We have breakfast, we're talking, I'm watching you so animated, and I smile as easily as you move. I love how easy we talk and goof and I can still listen to you for hours.

Other times, it doesn't take much to feel insignificant. In another time you might have said "Sorry, my boyfriend wanted to watch this". I cannot be jealous of your brother, but my heart can whine "but we were gonna finish that, but I've been wanting to watch something", and feel passed over.

It is stupid. A brother is no zero sum obstacle. And when we hang as much as we do, and when you needed to call me to be by your side despite having your friends with you for your tattoo, it's obvious you don't pass me over. That I am not lesser in your eyes.

But when you've been broken up with, you lose the protection and guarantee of being boyfriends. I never worried before, I was always happy with your social life. But to lose an important part of us, the limb remembers. The limb has learned that it can be wounded and learns fear.

In the morning, we will meet again at the gym, and will spend four hours talking, working out, eating together, and we will meet again in the week and talk each day online.

And still, I will feel alone.

[for-mason]

Left out

You said you see me more as your friend than your ex. You get frustrated because we hang out all the time, but I act as if we don't do anything.

Hanging with you and your work friend, I'm reminded of all the things we used to do. We don't drink anymore, or listen to musicals, or talk as freely as we used to.

I'm not jealous of your friends: I'm happy you've made fast friends here. I don't want to become them, I want us to have the fun we always had.

[for-mason]

Hey Mason

This is one of those mornings when I already feel crushed shortly after waking up. Today isn't going to be a very good day. Right now you're asleep, after working late and then putting up with some late night insecurity, and as much as I want to reach out to the man who means so much to me I don't want to burden you with more stress to wake up to.

So, I am starting some sort of blog to tell you things. Which you won't see. But it hurts, so maybe some outlet will be healthy. Or at least distract me.