forcingthedramaventingtheemotion - Tumblr blog

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Tele Mias

I am afraid of welcoming you into my life because I have everything to lose and no fine reason to let you stay. All my thoughts about you here involve you and me. Your smile, your curly hair, your breath, your energy. Your mere presence makes me physical. I want to have that feeling again of you over me, making me extremely dominated, soul and body, in the most romantic way. I want to feel I make you horny caressing your back.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Hallo, wir müssen kurz sprechen. 

Ich habe dir gesagt, dass ich die letzten Tage sehr sentimental und gestresst bin. Ich fühle plötzlich nervös und sehnlich, zwei Gefühle, die sehr unangenehmen sind.  

Ich bin zu dem Schluss gekommen, große Teile meiner Sorge kommen aus unsere Beziehung. Wenn ich meine Zukunft denke, es ist immer mit der Gefühle, dass ich um uns kümmern muss. Wenn ich Deutsch nicht gut lerne, wenn ich Arbeit nicht finde, wenn ich nach Brasilien zurückkomme. Ich nehme unsere Beziehung auf den Rücken. Ich habe dich als Priorität gesetzt, weil ich dich liebe. Wenn ich mit dir bin, fühle ich mich wohl. Deswegen habe ich dir so viele Ausreden gemacht. Ich wollte nicht sehen, was eigentlich hier passt.  

Von mir aus kann ich nicht in dem Hintergrund deines Lebens bleiben. Ich kann nicht mühe zu geben, meine emotionale hingeben, um in dem Hintergrund zu bleiben. Es ist nicht deine Schuld. Aber es ist auch nicht meine Verpflichtung. Ich möchte mir jemand sein, der mich liebt. Der für mich alles tun würde. Der kann nicht erwarten, bis ich einen Plan mache. Ich will jemand, der mich nicht mag, aber mich liebt. Ich habe in dir verknalle und in unserer Liebe verknalle, denn das war am Anfang. Das gibt es doch nicht.  

Seit wenn wir Schluss gemacht haben, kann ich meine Gefühle nicht sagen. Ich fühle mich nervös, um etwas gegenüber deine Augen zu sagen. Ich versuche zu verstehen, warum kann ich nicht meine Gefühle mitteilen. Und ich habe den Druck alles auf mich gelassen. Trotzdem denke ich, dass nicht meine Schuld ist. Ich kann nicht ehrlich sein, weil ich Angst habe, dich zu verlieren. Wenn wir Schluss gemacht haben, hast du mich gesagt: „Unsere Beziehung wurde ein wenig ohnmächtig, aber wegen der Entfernung! Und vielleicht auch meine Liebe ein wenig…“. Ich weiß nicht, ob der einzige Grund „Entfernung“ war, aber ich habe seitdem Angst vor Entfernung. Ich habe auch Angst, dass du mich nicht intensiv liebst.  

Weißt du? Ich habe meinen Freunden gesagt, wenn ich einen Job habe, dann frage ich dir, ob du meinen Freund sein möchtest. Ich habe gedacht, dass wenn ich hier bin, dann kannst du mir lieben, so wie ich will, dass du mich liebst. Das ist aber kompliziert. Und will ich nicht mehr. Ich will dich vergessen. Es tut mir wirklich weh, aber ich denke, dass du nicht für mich bist. Und ich kann nicht mehr ignorieren.  

Ana. 

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Sometimes thinking about you hurts.

It is always the question, am I crazy or was there really anything between us? Were you really interested in me? Or it was always in my head?

You make me happy even when you don't know about it, and at the same time, I know I would never be happy with you. It is such a contradictory feeling towards you, and still I would love to have you love me.

I want to have everyone around and I want to be only with you. I think it is easier when I don't need to confront such feelings when we are both alone and the possibilities for discussions are immense. I know you were never interested going into this topic with me, you have such a strong moral ethics. But they are in my head, and I don't want to be questioned why I still think about it over and over.

But then I have a dream about you and everything seems so right. In the meantime, my boyfriend loves me as no one could and you are spending the week with her family. Did we ever have a chance to figure it out? Or is that all that is?

I miss feeling crazily in love, feeling so extremely happy with their messages. I miss feeling intellectually attracted by someone, because it brings the best of my own self. I am so used with what my boyfriend brings to the table that I end up undermining it. But they are so so valuable, why can't I see it? Why do I want to sabotage myself?

I am waiting for you to get back to me. I wonder if you intend to.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Who,

I never loved you properly, but I let you love me. This might seem unfair, but you were also going through a messy period in your life. After all, you never loved me properly either and still allowed me to love you.

It was so comforting to be in your arms, so safe to see you at parties, and exciting to read your messages. Your hug was incredible. And we were able to talk about everything.

Even if I didn't ever properly love you.

You accepted me and made me feel good right from the start. I thought many girls were drawn to you. Your secret weapon was your words and presence. You knew how to make us feel truly special. And that was my trigger.

You would talk to me and trigger the emotions. The hype, the confusion, the unknown, and the compliments. You had the ability to make me feel sexy and horny, even though little about us was either sexy, or hot.

You had good fingers, you could bring me pleasure. I remember I used to think, that fingers were the best part. Yes, it is nice to have a dick against your body, and to feel the come and go. But the fingers actually showed me how an orgasm should be.

Perhaps it helped that I didn't know much. I was so afraid of having sex, and having it hurt. And then I did a few times but they never felt right.

With the first guy, I asked for aggressiveness. I wanted him to grab my boobs, and fuck me hard. He was terrible, it was our first time. After that, the excuses, the headaches, and the cheating on him with another guy.

Then there was the second one, with the same name of the first. And I absolutely have no memory of him, maybe because he didn’t really pay attention on me. I do remember going to the bathroom, and having his mother open the door because the locker was not working. Two member of the family seeing me naked at the same time. He fed my adolescent rebelliousness at a time when I needed to be wild. He smoked, had a band, and treated me like shit. Thats all I felt I wanted back then.

With the third guy, I felt I was absolutely in love. His personality would affect me 24 hours per day. I wanted to be loved by him, because he was so smart. Nothing about his appearance was speaking to me, but his brain would make me his slave. But we fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked, and he never came. 

It is hard to say what happened next. I think there weren't many on the list. I wonder if I just had a lot of experiences and forgot, or if we never passed the first and second base. 

But before you, the fourth guy was what I really believed to be the love of my life. I could not be more wrong. He was toxic, and, quite honest, he still knows how to intoxicate me. But, at the time, he was the whole suite. This time, brain and body. Conversation, and size. It felt amazing to have him over me. But I could never finish it. I was so afraid. I had pain and I didn't know how to talk about it. And then he broke my heart, over, and over, and over, and I still wanted something more. I wanted to have this one night together and know what meant to be fucked by him. With so much love, so much passion, so much energy. But that never came to be true.

I think it was at this moment, that you came up. I was destroyed, and so were you. I never cared about whatever had fucked you up, but I wanted to be with you, because you didn’t need me perfect. You would see it through me, and you would be wild about it. You would chase me, with flirty comments, making me to feel really sexy for the first time. Let me explain.

You used to treat me like a sexy gem. You would gaze my body, my niples, my hair. And you would directly and unapologetically address it. And want me, and invite me in. But you would still tremendously respect me. You would make it to feel that I was not only desired, but unique. That you were the luckiest person if I would open my guards a bit. And once I did, you continued to make me special, promising that yould never break my heart.

And somehow I knew I was not that unique, and that you would talk similar things to other chicks. But this would still warm my heart and my pants. The hunting and teasing game was too attractive to me. And when you promised that you would never break my heart, I believe I could be wrong about the other girls. Because you made me to feel like the sex gem again. 

When you have a lot of hot friends, who get a lot of attention, there is nothing you want more than to feel like the most desirable and precious person to someone. And you were cool, you were really funny, you were extremely smart. You also had a damn hard time to realize that. And sadly many excuses to make use of the skills.

The truth is, you wanted me, but you also didn’t. You tried to stop but always wanted more. And the same goes for me, but the other way around. I wanted more, and at the same time I needed it to stop. Because when two people with broken hearts and a lot of insecurities end up together, they feed each other with their vulnerabilities.

I am actually thankful you didn’t keep your promise. And that you didn’t want me. Because I knew it was not working between us, and I kept fighting. I could not see myself without the relationship. I was unhealthy in need of this emotional support. 

All my life, I've yearned for love. I craved someone to be head over heels for me. To be so obsessed, as only I knew how to feel. And of all the guys who didn't want me, you lingered the longest. I knew you loved me. I knew you couldn't handle that feeling, and that's why you kept pulling me away. But I knew you cared. And that’s what stung the most. Because I didn't understand your objections. Was I still your damn fucking gem?

I could make a list of things I've never apologized you for. But I'll start with this one: I was so humiliated when I last saw you, that I treated you unfairly. It was a weird evening at Redondo, you didn’t even live in Franca anymore. I was having a beer with Cazuza and had just broken up with my boyfriend. And you appeared, out of nowhere. And although we used to have a healthy friendly relationship, I felt awful. I think I almost had a panic attack that night.

So I avoided you as much as possible and, despite exchanging eyes, I never actually said hello. And then I either completely ignored you, or sent you some angry message, I don't know anymore. You were blocked. I was so out of it that I deleted the memory to move on. 

The truth is that I felt humiliated that you didn't want it, and that now my ex didn't want me enough to fight for me. In a way, I think I saw my boyfriend as my trophy against all the guys of my life, including you. You didn’t want me, but another did. And now I was left alone again.

I slept with a lot of guys after you. You woke this side of me and I was no longer looking for love. I had multiple casual sex for the first time, which always made me feel awful. But there is something about feeling unloved and wildely fucked. The chocking, the public spaces, the slaps. The one night stand. There is a time and a place for it when you are young and free.

Yet, our relationship had its depths and truths, allowing me to confide in you. I worry about being selfish and reopening wounds for you, reminding you of difficult time. Or changing your interpretation if all. I always joked that you didn’t keep your promise, but I was as wrong as you. I didn’t do a promise, but I also played you, to satisfy my own desires and needs. I also treated you unfairly, and you were completely there for me, when I needed the most - and I hope you know what I mean. 

After we broke up, I liked hurting you, because I needed you to regret. I think I was never able to cure this part of myself, that everything is just about me. I was, and perhaps still am, a selfish person. A love addicted. Someone who loves to hear compliments, and offering none. Someone who loves to tease, and blame the other for flirting with me. 

The truth is, I forced you to promise things you couldn’t do. I knew from the start that whatever we were initiating would mean a lot to me, and I would put it against you. And I played it cool, I let you think, I led you continue on. 

You didn’t loved me properly, but again, me too.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Eu nunca te pedi desculpa

Eu poderia fazer uma lista de coisas que eu nunca pedi desculpa, mas eu tenho uma nesse momento.

Eu estava tao humilhada quanto eu te vi pela ultima vez. No Redondo. Eu estava tomando uma cerveja com a Cazuza e tinha recém terminado meu namoro.

E voce apareceu, do nada. E nós tínhamos um relacionamento saudável de amizade, mas eu me senti horrível. Eu acho que quase tive um ataque de pânico naquela noite.

Entao eu te evitei o máximo possível e, apesar de trocar olhares, nunca realmente te cumprimentei. E depois completamente te ignorei, ou te mandei alguma mensagem brava, eu nao sei mais. Eu estava tao fora de mim que eu deletei a memória para continuar em frente.

A verdade é que eu me senti humilhada. Que voce nao me quis, e que agora meu ex nao me queria. De certa forma, eu acho q eu viu meu namorado como meu troféu. Porque quase nenhum dos caras que eu quis namorar quiseram o mesmo. Julio, Eliseu, Jeremias e Vítor. E agora, Georg para a lista. E isso estava me matando.

E claro, cada um de vocês foram diferentes, e cada um tiveram suas próprias razoes. Mas, durante toda a minha vida, eu quis ser amada. Eu queria que alguém fosse louco por fim. Que sentisse esse obsessão que eu sabia sentir. E de todos os caras que nao me quiseram, voce me deixou cozinhando por mais tempo. Eu sabia que voce me amava. Eu sabia que voce nao conseguia lidar com esse sentimento, e que por isso me puxava pra longe. Mas eu sabia que voce gostava de mim. E por isso doía mais. Porque eu nao entendia as suas objeções.

Entao, nem mesmo voce me amava o suficiente. E entao, nem meu ex namorado troféu.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Who,

I never loved you properly, but I let you love me. And this could be considered unfair, but you were also in a messy period of your life.

But I am thinking, why am I so nostalgic today? Why do I think about you, how nice was it to be in your arms, how safe was it to see you at parties, and how amazing it felt to read your messages?

Even if I didn't ever properly love you.

But you accepted me and you made me feel good from the start. I admit, I felt you were a cool guy. I even had the thought you were wanted by many girls. But what you had was the conversation. How you made us all feel so special.

You would talk to me and trigger the emotions. The hype, the confusion, the unknown, and the compliments. You had the skill, to make me feel sexy and horny, even though nothing about us was either sexy, or hot.

You had good fingers, you could bring me pleasure. I remember I used to think, that things were the best part. Yes, we want to have a dick pumping our butts every now and then. But the fingers actually showed me what orgasm can be.

Perhaps it helps that I didn't know much. I was so afraid of having sex, and having it hurt. And then I did a few times but they never felt right.

With the first guy, I asked for aggressiveness. I wanted him to grab my boobs, and fuck me hard. He was terrible, it was our first time. After that, the apologies, the headaches, and the cheating on him with another guy.

Then there was the second one, with the same name as the first. And I absolutely have no memory of that. Besides going to the bathroom, and having his mother open the door because the locker was not working. It was a moment of intimacy with both sides of the family.

With the third guy, I felt I was absolutely in love. His personality would affect me 24 hours per day. I wanted to be loved by him, because he was so smart, and interesting. Nothing about his appearance was speaking to me, but his brain would make me his slave. But we fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked, and he never came.

It is hard to say what came next. I think there weren't many on the list. I wonder if I just had a lot of experiences and forgot, or if we never passed the first and second base.

But of course, the fourth guy was what I really believed to be the love of my life. I could not be more wrong. He was toxic, and he still has the skills to intoxicate me. But, at the time, he was there for me. This time, brain and body. Conversation, and size. It felt amazing to have his arms on me. But I could never finish it. I was so afraid. I had pain and I didn't know how to talk about it. And then he broke my heart, over, and over, and over, and I still wanted something more. I wanted to have this one night together. I wanted to know what meant to be fucked by him. With so much love, so much passion, so much energy. But that never came to an end.

I think it was at this moment, that you came up. I was destroyed, and so were you. I never cared about whatever had fucked you up, but I wanted to be with you to prove someone, at last, that another would like to be with me.

And you didn't, but you did. You tried to stop but always wanted more. And the same goes for me, but the other way around. I wanted to be more, and at the same time it to stop.

But you taught me what it meant to be loved. You flirted with me, so much and all the time. You made me feel the sexiest one. And this is what I miss.

I know my last one, my current one, my 6 to 7 years, absolutely loves me. But I wanted him to desire me. I want him to go after me, to fill me with sweet and hot words. But he respects me too much. Or he doesn't know how to.

He is the most handsome guy I have ever been with. He makes my life perfect. But I don't feel the fire. I want to want. I want to really fucking want. Not the love, but the sex. And maybe that's what I miss about you.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

há um pássaro azul em meu peito que quer sair mas sou duro demais com ele, eu digo, fique aí, não deixarei que ninguém o veja. há um pássaro azul em meu peito que quer sair mas eu despejo uísque sobre ele e inalo fumaça de cigarro e as putas e os atendentes dos bares e das mercearias nunca saberão que ele está lá dentro. há um pássaro azul em meu peito que quer sair mas sou duro demais com ele, eu digo, fique aí, quer acabar comigo? (…) há um pássaro azul em meu peito que quer sair mas sou bastante esperto, deixo que ele saia somente em algumas noites quando todos estão dormindo. eu digo: sei que você está aí, então não fique triste. depois, o coloco de volta em seu lugar, mas ele ainda canta um pouquinho lá dentro, não deixo que morra completamente e nós dormimos juntos assim como nosso pacto secreto e isto é bom o suficiente para fazer um homem chorar, mas eu não choro, e você ?"

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Something interesting about Brazilian culture is the emotional comfort of coffee.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Deutsche Übung: Irreale Folge und beinahe eingetretene Konsequenzen.

Ich schreibe gerade ein paar Sätzen, damit ich die "irreale Folge und beinahe eingetretene Konsequenzen" Grammatik üben kann.

Ich war am Montag nicht mit meinem Freund im Restaurant. Wäre ich da gewesen, hätte ich alle mit Covid angesteckt. Ich hätte fast alle mit Covid angesteckt.

.......

Ich bin heute noch erkältet. Wäre ich nicht erkältet, würde ich joggen gehen. Danach würde ich mich auch mit meinen Freunden treffen und Bier trinken.

Aber ich bin leider krank. Und das war auch die ganze Woche so. Am Dienstag hätte ich mich fast wieder gesund gefühlt, aber etwas ist schiefgelaufen. Am Mittwoch war ich viel zu krank, als dass ich hätte arbeiten dürfen. Deshalb, habe ich nicht gearbeitet.

In den nächsten Tagen habe ich auch darüber nachgedacht, Krankentagen nehmen, um nicht arbeiten zu müssen. Leider habe ich es nicht getan. Hätte ich wenige Verantwortung bei der Arbeit, würde ich es sofort beantragen.

----

Ich würde gerne eine bessere Stelle in Deutschland finden. Ich habe 5 Jahren in Brasilien Jura studiert, und wäre heute Anwältin geworden, wenn ich da noch leben würde. Ich habe beinahe diese Entscheidung getroffen, in Brasilien zu bleiben. Hätte ich das getan, wäre mein Leben heute ganz anders. Beispielsweise würde ich nicht mit meinem Freund in Deutschland wohnen. Ich wäre mit ihm wahrscheinlich auch nicht zusammen. Das wäre für mich sehr tragisch. Aber ich habe nicht nur wegen ihm hierher gekommen, sondern auch wegen meiner eigenen Wünsche, im Ausland zu wohnen. Ich hatte davon geträumt, woanders zu leben.

Hätte ich etwas anders gewünscht, wäre alles anders geworden. So ist nun mal das Leben. Mann muss immer Entscheidung treffen und folglich etwas anders entlassen.

Ich denke auch darüber nach, hier in Deutschland Jura zu studieren. Wie wäre es, wenn ich wieder mit Studium anfangen würde. Würde ich es schaffen? Könnte ich genug Deutsch? Wäre ich damit wirklich glücklich? Ich kann das leider nicht wissen. Deutsch wäre bestimmt eine schwierige Herausforderung. Um ehrlich zu sagen, ich bin viel zu müde oder zu faul, als dass ich wieder ein neues Studium auf Deutsch beginnen würde.

Daher verstehe ich, dass diese Wünsche urrealistisch sind.

Wäre ich aber so klug. Hätte ich früher Deutsch gelernt. Wäre ich nicht so arrogant, als dass ich nicht wieder Ausrede machen würde. Das wäre aber schön.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Keeping it real

Yeah, i think i can only work with spontaneous, but probably you dont like the 3am calls… haha no, but tbh, i know it is a long topic to be next to 20 other topics, but still, whatever, i just feel like engaging in this topic right now, so you read it whenever hahah truth is i was never good in emotionally stressful conversations, and what we had was a big exception. I really felt comfortable talking to you about things i never said out loud to anyone. But i dont know, i could list many reasons why i shut down again. Like, i am really happy that we are getting our friendship back to how it used to be, but i guess i was hurt and reacting the best i could, you were hurt with my reaction, and, at least for me, everything created a wall or - again - a big elephant in the room that I definitely didnt want to talk about or fix it. And all that happened when both of our lives also changed a lot and the whole distance came, which made it easier to ignore. I did hear you were upset with me, and i did think about writing you something, but i always got lost in my own emotional rollercoaster when i tried it 😅 honestly, i had a 2 page text just to start off when i wanted to explain to you what was going on in my head. If i would follow it through, you would get a whole book for you (like this message right now) 😅 anyway, i know that i called you and scared you out, but when i called you was not to scare you, but because i was in a really shitty emotional crisis. And i know i have a history of calling so late in the night usually for bullshit reasons, but it was not the case. And then somehow i felt very judged for doing it, even if it was not your intention (and if it was, you would be completely right in doing it), and i heard meltem was also upset with me, and this all triggered me, throwing me back to when things were weird and messy. So yeah, i didnt feel comfortable anymore, and it is definitely not your fault. It is my emotional defense mechanism. I dont control it. And i am writing it all now bc i know that today i can speak about it but maybe not tomorrow 😅 and today i just want to be real haha and plus, the other reason is as simply as we no longer have a shared lifestyle, where we actually see each other and do things together. I think people need to have closeness to feel more comfortable talking about certain things. I think this also adds to the whole situation

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Anxiety

Is it anxiety? Or what is that?

It started with tiredness. Lack of desire. I had to talk with people, but I didn't want to participate. People talk to me, and I need to find from somewhere the strength to answer back. And as I don't know what to say, and don't feel like saying, I start the spiral self-criticism pattern, in which I find all my phrases and reactions dull.

I look at their responses, and I am not convinced. I guess I am dull. I guess I am a bored and annoying person.

Luckily it is not always like that. It is a weird feeling. I tend to blame others, but blame myself the most. I excuse myself with "this person does not fit me enough", and later scream that I am the dull one, I am the one who should stay at home and avoid contact with everyone to prevent the discovery of how dull I am.

After that, it comes the binging. I am finally home. But I have no strength. I will watch Tiktok for 2 hours in a row, Instagram for 1 hour, Netflix for 4 hours, Spotify for whatever how many hours. The important thing is that the sound is always in the background. And that I can forget myself for a while. Of course, at some point, it is not so effective anymore, so I start multitasking. I am watching one tv show after another while playing Tetris on the phone.

I tell myself. After that. After that I will read a book, I will go out, I go to the gym, I pick some water, I do something with my life. But after that is never just after. That is the thing about binging. You have no control. You are in a trance, you need to stay in a trance. To stop means to realize how your life is empty, how sad you are, how unmotivated you are, how tired you are, and how you just want to cry. In a trance you cry, but not because of you. You cry because of other characters, which do not exist, and still seem to enjoy their life much better than you.

And then I feel this heaviness in my heart. I know I am anxious. I can feel it. I know I am so silent and screaming at the same time. It suffocates sometimes. You feel the pump of your heart. But you don't know what to do with that. You don't have anyone. You are alone.

Of course, you have someone. You have a boyfriend, for instance. But somehow he doesn't get you. He doesn't like to talk about things. He is happy when you finish sharing something bad with a slightly ok sentence. He focuses on the positivity so much, that he is blind to the constant pain. He is another distraction. You change from social media to Netflix, to him. And that makes you worry, to question. Is it healthy to avoid burning your partner with all your emotions, or is it not-healthy to not see him as someone you can talk with? You realize you are not missing him. You are not missing anyone. You just miss not crying. You just miss having an interesting conversation. You miss feeling alive. But you also want to be alone and cry. Because you don't want to fake it. You don't want to make it seem that everything is fine when you don't feel fine. You are broke inside. You are overwhelmed. You are anxious. And you don't fucking know how to be near him like that. You gotta find a smile because you don't want to be responsible for a bad day. You gotta have sex right away because that is what you should want after 7 days together. You don't want to blame him for your loneliness because you know you are the only one responsible for it, and still you want to blame him so badly because you want his attention. You want him to feel so bad that you will feel bad and be able to talk. Otherwise, you just cannot talk. You are broken. And you cry all the time for realizing that this is not an over-expression of your feelings and emotions, this is so raw and true.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Heute habe ich die Zeitung gelesen. Als esters habe ich ein Blick auf The New York Times geworfen, und mich über das Abtreibungsrecht in der USA informiert. Sogar ich verstanden habe, hat der Bundesgerichtshof ein 100jährige altes Gesetz, das Abtreibungsrecht verbiet, verändert. Das ehemaliges Gesetz hat seit lang nicht mehr gegolten, aber der neuen Gesetzinterpretation zufolge ist es wieder in Kraft. 

Danach habe ich die ZD Zeitung gelesen. Die Zeitung hat viel über das Uber-Files Lobbying-Skandal berichtet. In einer Zusammenarbeit mit dem  International Consortium of Investigative Journalists (ICIJ) und andere Medienkonzernen wurde es enthüllt, dass das amerikanische Unternehmen Uber hat mit hochrangig Politikern kooperiert, um Gesetz für Uber zu unterstützen. Vor allem wurden Macron, der Präsident von Frankreich, und ehemalige EU-Kommissarin Neelie Kroes vorgeworfen, an dem Lobby-Initiative teilzunehmen. Wiederum wurde Deutschland nicht stark betroffen oder mindesten wurden die Versuchen erfolglos. Interessanterweise ist Uber in Deutschland auch nicht oft benutzt, und sogar nur kaum gefunden. Als jemand, die weniger davon kennt, ich habe immer vorgegangen, dass die Dienstleistung wurde sogar im Land verboten.

Da man kann sich überall mit den öffentliche Verkehrsmittel bewegen, und sogar mit Fahrrad in den meisten Städten herumfahren, ist die Abwesenheit des Ubers nicht bedeutungsvoll. Sogar mit der Gaspreiserhöhung soll man in der Zukunft weniger fahren, und alternativen Verkehrsmittel benutzen. 

Außerhalb des Auswerten ist wichtig zu behaupten, dass Politiker nie spezifische Unternehmen 

Die Politiker sollten nicht bestimmte Unternehmen gegenüber anderen bevorzugen.

Leider muss ich los. Meine WG Besichtigung start in ein paar Minuten.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Ich würde gern jemand zu haben, die meine Hände nehmen, und sagt: ich helfe dir. Ich bin auch verloren, und wir könnte uns zusammen irgendwas zu finden. Das hat mein Brüder mit seiner Freundin. Deshalb heiraten sie gerade. Er hat wirklich jemand gefunden, mit wem er der Rest seines Lebens verpassen kann. Und nicht einsam zu fühlen.

Jetzt ich habe ein Problem. Ich liebe Geo so sehr. Und ich weiß nicht, ob es Leben ohne ihn gibt. Oder mindesten Leben, das wertwoll zu haben ist. Aber ich bin angezogen, ihn meine Problem zu schulden. Und ich möchte wirklich gern, dass jemand mir sagt: ist es Geo oder ist es mir? Und es ist wahrscheinlich ich.

Aber Moment. Ich möchte nicht sagen, dass er perfekt ist, und ich immer das Problem. Nein. Die Sache ist nur, dass Geo ganz einfach ist. Und wenn ich eine gesunderes Mensch bin, hätte ich mit ihm sprechen könnten. Und vieleicht über meine Unsicherheit zu sprechen? Aber es wird stimmt nicht verstehen. Er kann auch nicht verstehen. Und so glück ist er dafür! 

Ok, los geht.

Ich fühle mich einsam. Ich habe keine langealtizige Freunde, und die, die ich habe, kümmere ich micht nicht gut um. Und deshalb ist es auch nicht ohne meine Schuld, die ich niemand habe, mit dem ich sprechen kann. Sogar die Leute die micht lieben, sind immer von mir entfernt. Ich habe kein gutes Herz. Nett zu sein kommt es manchmal schwirieg. Ich war immer so. 

Ok, nicht immer so. Aber wenn ich nicht in der gleichen Stadt wohne, dann kommt es mir schwirieg, die Bezigung zu halten. Ich bin nicht geduldig und kann mit Leute so viele Nachricht ohne das Zusehenperspektiv nicht zu tauschen. Und ich bin unorganiesiert und aufgeregt. Kann nicht gut Planen zum Telefonieren behalten.

Und daher kommt es klar, dass meine Freunden von mir entfernt sind. Ich gebe kein Wert... 

Und dann kommt es die zweite Sache. Die jetzt sehe ich, nicht von einandander verbunden sind, aber ja. Warum fühle ich mich IMMER so einsam mit dir, wenn wir zusammen sind. Mit deine Eltern oder deine WG beste Freunde. Muss ich mich immer so allein fühlen? Kannst du vieleicht nicht erkennen, dass es kommt mir nicht so einfach, und um mich kümmern, anstatten vor dem Bus zu werfen? Jedes Mal, die du möchtest, ich zum Kreis zu bringen, passiert es so, dass ich voll schüchtern bin! Aber du versuchtest nie, irgendwie zu dem Kreis bringen, mit gute Wörte oder lustige zusammen Geschichte... und ist es meine Schuld, so zu erwarten, oder kann ich micht auch beschweren, sogar wenn ich mehr Schuld als du habe? 

Ich möchte überall nicht unfair sein. Und auch nicht im Stisch gelassen werde... Aber ich kenne überral nicht die Regeln, die mit orientieren könne! Wo suche ich die Lösungen oder die gute Frage? Wer wird mir damit helfen und WARUM kann ich niemand nach Hilfe fragen? 

Es ist mir immer eingefallen, wie ich mit niemandem wirklich sprechen kann. Und sogar wenn ich mache, ich versuche weniger zu machen, als es wirklich ist. 

Ich liebe dich und ich hasse dich. Ich möchte Schluss machen, aber könnte ohne dich nicht weiter. Du bringst mir den Besteseit, aber hebst hervor, meine Schachtten. Du bist immer so nett, aber auch immer fremd. Und ich kann überall nicht über mich selbst zu sprechen, ohne unsicher zu sein. 

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Ich fühle mich so unglaublich einsam. 

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Hallo, alter Freund. 

Heute ist Dienstag und ich bin zu Hause. Welches? Ja, dieses in München, nach ich eine tolle Arbeit gefunden habe. Letztes Jahr habe ich allerdings vier verschiedene Häuser als zu Hause bezeichnet. Bei einem war ich glücklich, obwohl nicht immer.  Bei dem Anderem war ich traurig, aber am meistem gestresst. Bei dem Neuen war ich zufrieden und energetisch. War ich bestimmt lebendig. Jetzt bin ich daheim. Der Ziel, auf den ich so viel erwartet hat, ist endlich erreicht. Manche würde übertroffen sagen. Ich bleibe bei meiner Bescheidenheit und sage: jetzt bin ich hier, wo ich sein sollte.

Am Anfang muss ich sagen, es war nicht so bunt. Aber Anfang ist so rasch passiert, dass ich nicht mehr sehen kann. Ich überlege noch mal. Vielleicht ist das noch das Anfang, und ich bin einfach glücklich. Man kann nicht immer traurig sein. Und das ich hier wirklich nie. Ok, eingeschnappt. Aber ich habe versucht, das Gefühl zu vermeiden. Das war doch meiner Wünsch. Das war meine Mühe. Dafür habe ich so wie nie gekämpft. Und jetzt lass es sich sagen, dass ich auf alles verzichtet habe? Das geht aber nicht.

Mein Kopf ist leer. Ich schreibe hier, nicht weil ich mich dramatisch fühle. Und ohne starke Gefühle, kann ich nicht schreiben. Oder kann ich? Ja, ich kann. Ich muss nur versuchen. Und weiter machen. Alles dreht sich um das Üben der Sprache. Und ist deshalb gültig. Aha. Das habe ich übersetzte. Esters Mal auf Portugiesisch (schwieriges Wort, apropos). Zweites Mal auf Englisch. Drittes Mal habe ich hier Deutsch. Alles etwas Falsch. Alles ganz genau.

Anstatt mich darauf zu fokussieren, dass ich Fehler ständig mache. Konzentriere ich mich darauf, dass ich trotzdem weiter mache. 

Das ist tatsächlich eine gute Übung, die ich nächstes Mal mich widme. Ich werde mein Stark und mein Schwäche besprechen. Da so interessant ist, die Änderung zu sehen, bringe ich noch ein Geschenk mit. 

Bis nächstes Mal - mit der Hoffnung, dass ich wieder hier in Zukunft komme, und einfach meine grammatische Fehlers korrigiere. 

Grüße

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Sorry I didnt answer you. I didn’t know how to do it.

I am afraid of what I would hear from you. Its different from the other times when i still thought that it would be possible to be together. Now im sure it is not. And I dont want to hear you saying the same that i already know, not more than the meaning of our break up.

Yesterday I was sure that this was the only option. But it didnt come suddenly. It has been months of me feeling secretly unhappy. When we are together or talking online doesnt feel so bad. But all the weekends that i was alone while you were living your life was tough for me. I passed months feeling that i wasnt part of you and I didnt know what i was exactly.

I keep thinking that the problem was the distance relationship but actually I realize that i didnt feel loved anymore. Since a long time.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Sorry I didnt answer you. I didn’t know how to do it. 

I was afraid that you would text me back. It's different from the other times when i still thought that it was possible to be together. Now im sure it is not. And I dont want to hear you saying the same that i already know, not more than the meaning of our break up. 

I didnt feel like being with my friends. Neither with my mom, that was almost coming to see how i was. But i dont feel that someone can understand it. Im not even sure if you can...

Yesterday I was sure that this was the only option. But it didnt come suddenly. It has been months that i feel unhappy. When we are together or talking online doesnt feel so bad. But all the weekends that i was alone while you were living your life was tough for me. For months I have felt that i wasnt part of you and I didnt know what i was exactly.

I keep thinking that the problem was the distance relationship but actually I realize that i didnt feel loved anymore. 

When you booked the flights to see me i thought “ok, you love me and you wanna be with me”. But really, when did you tell me you love me looking in my eyes? When was the last time you said something lovely to me?

Even the gift you gave me on christimas didnt say you love me, only “te quiero”. At the same time i was so in love that i wrote all our relationship and how i felt about it.

Or on our birthdays, how different it was. On my first birthday with you, you told me you would call me at midnight and you didnt. It was the only thing that I expected. On your first, i make sure that it wouldnt feel empty, that you would have part of me. I even find something so you could take time building and think about us.

When i went out of Europe, i was so sad that i wrote you how special was the three months around you. And you barely answered me.

In Europe i got crazy some days, when super drunk, do you remember? And was the same thing, Not understanding how could you love me. Especially because you never said it to me for real. 

And im not saying you didnt feel anything for me. I think in the beginning you felt. Maybe because I had the chance to do an interchange. Maybe because you werent so german after 7h months in South America. Maybe because we were feeling free people without studies and all the real life.

But maybe was a mistake to push you to date me. Maybe I should have let it go since Colombia. 

I felt terrible about not being able to be friends with your friends or talk more with your family. I really felt terrible about it. I loved your parents but i was always a little nervous of they didnt like me. Because i wanted to fit in your life. I was always trying so much to be part of it.

And since your two last trips to Brasil i felt that you didnt even try.