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i just feel really sort of bleh right now

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hi i want to put you on repeat want to find the things i seek want to run until i'm weak

weak in knees, weak in legs

week in, week out want to run till i run out

there's too much i want to say (repeat like a prayer, hey uh, save me) gave me away

there's nothing to hide when i've got you on repeat  (a shot of vodka, neat on the edge of my seat and the edge of the bowl-

i've swallowed you whole and it's quite a feat, i'm taking you out, making my retreat)

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i honestly get so sick of being who i am sometimes

// edit 2:30 im having fun faking it faking shit i can't feel can't be real if i don't say it's so say it slow let it go consume you bloom into flames

new games i play to stay close. i bruise and i burn and i boast that i'm okay, show today, tomorrow show my sorrow and my soul bare my whole body, shoddy broken parts a broken heart and no real start or end

i'm a shit toy, shittier friend.

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i can't trust my soul turn to rust and i'm whole but full of holes and of doubt and i start to wring out my thoughts

i'm caught up in the bottom of this cup in this coffee, in this drink, in the bottom of the sink hole, i am there, whole, i need repairing, to stop staring at this screen, making sense of what i mean

green and blue envy and too sad to be mad at the world.

if i curled into myself hid my health, hid this belt around my waist choke out taste and words just to be heard by a void

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when ur actually rly hurt about sthing but not enough to speak up about it

at least not in places when the people offending u can see

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i'm dumb numb and out of control erase myself whole unwrite my whole soul

and you'll feel unreal, start to heal and get back all the things you lack

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this is my body, stop trying to take it this is my body, stop trying to make it yours

my body, my flaws, my scars that give you pause -  this is my body and this is my skin, so please stop trying to shove me into some mold.

this is my body, until it's dead and cold. this is my body, it's mine and not yours. stop trying to take it, to break it

to take away all of its flaws.

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3 short poems

if i could write as well as i read and i could read as well as i breathe would these poems come out like a sigh or would these words be my last goodbye?

-

it's not a law, it's just a flaw in your design and a flaw in mine to care where you are; bare, all my scars show and scars know-

we're all flawed, all slack jawed in the light of a new, perfect dawn.

-

you're nothing to me but a warmth that will be gone when this night is gone too.

if i could erase memories that i trace over and over in my mind, would i feel a gap, a space on the map of things better left behind?

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I signed myself up for a mental health first aid course but got two pages into the booklet before realising how sick I felt. I keep forgetting that being in a good place for a long time doesn't mean I'm safe from going back to a bad one. I just feel sick and sad and I can't sleep or cry or do any of the things that I know help. I want to draw all over myself until I can't see my skin.

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I haven't felt this wrong in so long.

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i wish i could slip away, go astray, whisper, pray to be more and less and i think you could guess where i'm going

knowing isn't any worse, knowing's more than a curse of knowing when to say you know and going when you need to slow down

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i hate me who i've come to be in the last three years

(full of fears, never hearing the good advice, never looking twice)

i hate this my voice, a whisper of false bravado, too low, too broken

i hate it,  hate the shit that fills me with hate, hate the way it feels like i ate up all of who i used to be just by hating me.

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don't call me sweetie

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there's a hundred boys in bands that'll want to hold your hand under covers, under sheets want to see what's underneath

there's a million boys for you that are into that shit too, that want to kiss and want to fuck if you just would try your luck

there are guys out there for you, there are guys but there's me too

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it's so bad, you're good

you're something i should

be afraid of,

start to stave off

feelings as they form

-

you're bad, i'm a mess

in a black and blue dress,

your caress wraps me tighter than

lips,

you just kiss

me senseless, leave me defenceless,

i'm so tense then

i'm cut loose on the world.

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i'm wrecked by you split into two nervous pieces

(i'm at peace with losing, i'm choosing to let go)

i need to know, let me show you another side of me

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if i could love you it would be too soon

you burn bright like the moon, like stars in my eyes, and cars in my ears, rushing by

(you drown out my fears in white noise, if I had the choice, I would love you)