forethan21

[forethan21]

Ethan i love you. But i will need to love myself first. So forgive me for not choosing you.

[forethan21]

Please read what you wrote again cuz honeyyy u dumdummm.. seriously the amount of manipulation in what you said jst left me sooo annoyed and triggered! Like i cannat deal.. i jst remained silent cuz tht was tough to remain calm and have self control. There was a lack of thought and more blaming... one things for sure tho u blamed me for making you feel like u didnt do enough but you also said that i didnt need to ask for forgiveness bc i didnt do anything.. read that again please and tell me where your point is cuz i cant..

[forethan21]

“There is nothing that hurts the heart more than a lover who doesnt want to commit to you but cant let you go.”

[forethan21]

Or yeah youre right idk why im apologizing das all you and your inability to be held accountable and your lack of empathy and you taking advantage of me.. so your should be sorry to me hunnehhh hahaha youre right actually u dont even deserve a little piece of my forgiveness..

[forethan21]

I didnt do shit ethan? Talaga lng tbh its funny how the tables have turned bc bfore you were the one wanting me back like it was as if your were telling me “thank you for taking me back and accepting me as i am.”Btch who do you think you are? You didnt do shit when i was hurting so bad and u have the audacity to be hurt of what i did? Like u fcking deserve it bruh you were a coward. One fcking vidyo call was all it took ethan.. and u cant even put down ur trauma for that shit! Like damn if i was someone you loved as you say i was then why couldnt you show me yourself? U knew it was what gave me reassurance but did it ever came into ur little brain to act on it? Like i was spoonfeeding you everything i needed in the relationship but u still cudnt act on it. Ethan ang bobo mo grabe! Like ethan you aint fcking ready for shit. You dont know shit about controlling your feelings and being empathetic. Youre jst playing with everyones minds.. first youre like ohh im mad at u and when i asked for forgiveness u deny theres nothing to forgive.. CANT U FCKING ACCEPT THAT U HAD A HUGE FAULT IN THIS? Cant u accept that at least? U did not even think of being accountable for what u did. You ignored your fault cuz u found fault in mine and now youre playing the good guy? Youre playing the u didnt do anything.. bitch u cant even be honest to urself... yoooo im done... im sooo donneee. Bobooooo grabeeee!

[forethan21]

Your silence shows my answer

[forethan21]

I felt the need to do this so I can finally get the closure I wanted. I left unexpectedly bc I avoided confrontation about the problems in our relationship internally. I left because i knew if we stayed friends, we wouldnt have the same mutual feelings for each other anymore. I felt the more i stayed the more you were hoping i would still feel the same. But i didnt. The harshest reality is that our breakup was a slow burn. Overtime my feelings slowly disappeared and never came back. I dont know when it started but one day i woke up saying i dont wanna feel this way anymore and i started living by my word. There was a line where my heart had to stop loving and breaking bc i don’t know how many times i can put it back together again. Sorry if naconfused kta when i went back and forth on you. That pinaasa kta back then. Idk if i ever promised you anything but if i did im sorry i cant follow through with it. I realised maybe its time for me to believe and accept who you are and what your decided to do. Even though i didnt like it at least you were honest about it. Youre honest that youre unable to love me the way i needed to. You see I had an idealisation of you. I romanticised the love that i hoped for and your unwillingness to work for that was my perfect answer. So im sorry i can not reciprocate your feelings anymore. I had reasons to let go of you. I hope you understand my boundaries now and that what i had to offer doesnt come easy. Ethan, not every woman will correspond to your own time and healing. Not every woman will love you on your terms. Not every woman will wait and give you another chance pow. Thats on you and how youll take that responsibility. I have outgrown u in that and thats enough for me to let go. Im not gonna spend days waiting for you to recognise my worth and value.. that got me tired the first time round.

I reread your letters one day and i felt like you described how much i meant to u based on how i loved you unconditionally. But you still were holding back from change bc you thought i was never going to forgive you. Ethan im not gonna keep telling and emphasising how much i appreciated you. Ive reminded you that countless times in every letter and if it still left you wondering if i ever loved you back then you need a reality check. You cant love someone when you cant even love yourself first. You sought after my validation and love. You were never whole in the beginning. Maybe the next time you get into a relationship youll learn how to establish your boundaries and know your value and worth more. Bc recognising that will let you see the treatment people give you.

I went to church for nine days for Sto Nino. And recently on the eight day novena the priest talked about forgiveness. It made me remember during the time that we tried being friends and i remember still feeling deeply hurt by what you did to me and my friends. I never seemed to think about it until i heard his message. He said, “As humans we tend to be driven by our emotions. Only when we forgive can we receive God’s grace and peace. We run by this whenever others try to attack us by vile words and offence.” And i suddenly remembered crying as my hatred grew for you and i pushed the blame on you. Sa totoo lng i also have a fault in it. But instead i didnt want to hold accountable for it. I realised that i was not truthful to myself. I ignored and let my feelings got the best of me. And for that i do sincerely apologise. Sometimes we think people are undeserving to be forgiven due to the consequences they burdened you. (Come to think of it ayoko maging accountable for my own fault bc i didnt know how to fix the problem. And the problem made me very vulnerable. But i had to accept my wrong. I had to face them whether i liked it or not and own up my mistakes.) Though it's difficult it's not the matter of how much forgiveness they deserve but more of how much joy, happiness, and peace you really want in your life. And it's up to you if you're willing to let that go or hold on to it. So i forgive you ethan. It was hard to understand you at first but i realised that overtime the weight of pain does subsequently lighten up. And i dont hold anything against you at all. I dont hate you. Bc first, i got my answer and second its not your fault you didnt do what i needed you to do.

Not all the time everyone will love you for what you give. Your 100% in the relationship may differ from others but that doesnt mean you cant work on areas where you need to. Love is not linear. It is uncomfortable, unbalanced and everyday is a commitment. But if it doesnt benefit you anymore you have every right to leave. Im sorry for leaving you hanging like that but you knew what had to be done to let both of us heal. This was not my battle to fight. When i endured the pain, I thought i couldve done that alone. But i was forcing myself into something that wasnt for me. It takes two people for a relationship to work and sadly i felt like i was the only one trying. I learned that the hard way and with that there were shitty consequences. I failed to take accountability and blamed it on you and for that again i sincerely apologise. I may have worsen your trauma but you should know yourself and not let it define you. Oo makapal tlaga yung mukha ko. But where would i be if i let others opinion get the best of me. After what i did to my friends i still have more lessons to learn. One is that im not perfect. Ive committed many sins and mistakes that ive regretted since idk birth which left a hole inside of me. And God sees that im not perfect. It does not excuse me from being accountable for my actions but whats enlightening is that God has never judged me for my decisions in life. He has never abandoned me through every step of my journey regardless if ako yung kusang lumalayo. He sees through my flaws and impurity. And he healed me. The parable of the leper. Just watch this when you have time.. in day 3 it spoke a lot about Gods love for us. https://youtu.be/8KDz2VG8tUQ ...when i dont let myself be defined by my own problems and issues, it made me a stronger person.

But for now im gonna prioritise myself. And slowly gain back what i lost in the process of losing myself. As selfish as it may sound i dont feel the need of anyone to complete me. I am complete by myself and im happy. I could care less what you think what others will think as long as i know myself and i know what im capable of. For now i will keep my head up and heart open to those that deserve it. I wish you the best in life, ethan. I hope you still know that i care for you. I still have the same respect for you as a person.

You can reach out to us for anything. Well be here to support you if youre willing. Im okay, ive gotten over it and ive grown from this experience. I have so much to learn from myself and for now i need to focus and grow by myself. I pray everyday that you will heal and continue to seek for growth. I hope you dont condemn to what others made you believe. I hope that watever lofe throws at you youll still learn how to be kind. I hope you will find the wisdom and truth that God shows within our lives. I pray that whatever that is bearing upon your shoulders would soon be lifted up by the Lord. I hope you would allow yourself to forgive those who have done you wrong, and not hold on to the past and let it define you. I wish God would enlighten you with the wisdom of forgiveness and peace as He had forgiven us for our sins. Your identity is in him.

Ephesians 4:31-32; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Amen. Thank you for your time. Have a good day.

[forethan21]

Someones inability to love you does not equate to you being unlovable. And sometimes you need to show up for yourself and not seek that from other people.

[forethan21]

This was not my battle to fight. I got myself involved bc i was forcing stuff to happen. I believed that you were my person when i shouldve handed it to God. What comes to my life comes and what goes can go. But i cant help it. I see the good in you. I saw your nurture and potential. I had faith on us. But u didnt. And that was a signal. I took over the control that wasnt mine to take over. And i deeply regretted that. Bc i wouldnt have to fight that if you knew what to do. If you understood where youd place yourself and what you could do to resolve the problem. But you didnt. You decided to escape from your own demons. You didnt take accountability and that was on you. Reagrdless if it wasnt true ethan, the least you couldve done was to show your genuinity. But you had false reassurance. You thanked me for choosing you and i shouldve known better. I came back bc i romantazied the idea that you can change. That i can wait for you to change. But i realised ethan i shouldnt love you on your terms and on your time. I should be loved now and if you cant do that then youre not the one for me. Im ready to be vulnerable to u to show you my true self but you still dont know how to love yourself pa. Maybe i have failed to see what u had to offer but ndi ko nman binalewala yung nagawa mo bfore. I wouldnt have said that i loved you if i knew you werent someone that had an impact in my life.

[forethan21]

I also find myself realising u didnt know how to handle me when im anxious. You did not reassure me and instead gave me false reassurance. You told me to trust you but how am i suppose to trust you na in the first place i lost that trust bc you werent honest about yourself. And when i gave u a chance you took it for granted and there was not even a slightest effort to change. It was so simple ethan. To jst show your face for two sec was enough. but u extended it to this point where u lost me. Like how long was i suppose to wait? I cant keep putting myself last jst bc you were not ready to get over your trauma. I know i shouldnt think na love is something that you gain from a person but u were losing me and u didnt care enough to even put down yourself. I had no problem doing that when my friends came to the picture and you still binalewala lahat ng ginawa ko sayo. But its whatever you did what you had to do. you didnt know how to love me in my terms. And that was my perfect answer. But i still gave u another chance and anxiousness jst grew more from it. Ewan ko lng ha but feeling ko until this day u still did not understand me. Grabe mo nman ka bobo bro. To not even recognise that. I was ready for a relationship bro. I was ready and you werent. U set yourself back bc you cant accept it. You cant get over the trauma. This is the primary reason why i left. Bc in able to heal you need to understand the consequences of your action. I created that boundary bc you need to understand why i had to do that. Its not for me its for you. Not every girl will correspond to your time. Not every girl will wait for you to grow up. Thats on you and how youll take responsibility for that. Its not my responsibility to make you feel like a man. I have outgrown u in that and thats enough for me to let go. I hope you wont keep hoping ill come back bc tbh i have no reason to. You settled for temporary feelings and fantasy and i loved you for you. All the memories they were dear but as i told you i live in the present. You miss me bc i was everything you wanted and you took that for granted. Im not boasting about it but it was your loss. You lost someone whos willing to go to the end for you, who would be there for you and love you unconditionally. But i guess i was just a fleeting moment for your loneliness. I showed what my love was like and if thats not enough then im sorry. I cant love you in your terms if you cant even love me in my terms. Im jst doing this to get myself closure. Bc right now im still stuck on you. From now on im letting you go and im not turning back. I never gave u the proper closure you wanted and here it is. I wish you the best dude.

[forethan21]

Im saying if you really wanted me nothing can stop you. If you really loved me as you said nothing can stop you. Bc tbh in the end of the day if you were the right person you wouldve done everything to keep me. Funny how i used to tell you that advice now im applying it to myself again cuz i didnt learn it the second time round. I jst need to keep reminding myself that the things that you didnt do isnt your fault. Bc i know someone is out there willing to show up for me like i needed them too.

[forethan21]

Nothing irks me more than someone who cant take accountability for their actions. Like grow up be mature enough to accept that you’ve contributed into the toxicity of the relationship. I know i did. So stop self pitying yourself. Understand why i had to leave and cut you off. If that makes u feel better about yourself then whatever. But dont act as if you u didnt do shit. Youre the reason why this went into chaos and u had the audacity to blame me for cutting you off for no reason. Bitch youre the reason.

[forethan21]

In a relationship its never 50/50. Its always 100/0. You give 100% and expect nothing in return. And what i understood by that is I shouldnt question you and your 100%. Tbh i felt you gave your all. You gave your 100% to me. Its jst that your 100% didnt match with me. I read somewhere that we all have matches. That we need someone who we can give our 100% and would embrace that as well as feel like their 100% is enough. And it jst wasnt you. Youre not my person ethan. And thats okay. I will not force change to happen. Bc the right person at the right time will make me feel and show me my 100% that i needed.

[forethan21]

Read this when you finally move on from me.

Hey its been a while. I hope youre doing well and winning in life. Im happy for the gains you won this yr. Im happy you finally found someone who matches your love and appreciates you for who you are. I hope you give that person 100% of your love and expect nothing in return. U finally found your person and im happy that you did. You deserve that. I wish you all the best and hope you have a good rest of you day. Take care always. God bless!

[forethan21]