foreverfallingdown

[foreverfallingdown]

Destroy any semblance of hope.

[foreverfallingdown]

Only ever reaching out to satisfy your own ego.

I'm no different.

We're all the same, really.

[foreverfallingdown]

I just needed to pretend for a moment.

[foreverfallingdown]

All I want is an easy way out.

A clean way.

I don't want my parents to deal with the aftermath. But I don't want to put them through this anymore.

I hate myself.

[foreverfallingdown]

Lol I got a milestone for that being the 5th post.

I hope it can have the courage to end this soon.

[foreverfallingdown]

What is this, post 5 i think?

Fuck, I guess this beats sitting on my thoughts. It definitely isn't helping, knowing I have no one to actually approach about this.

I want to fucking put a bullet in my fucking skull.

[foreverfallingdown]

Nobody fucking cares.

Stop lying to yourself.

[foreverfallingdown]

How.unfortunstr it is to.be drunk, and to wake up the next morning feeling the same.

Not even the alcohol can help masks things anymore. Smoking was a habit, now it's a last resort.

Not in the sense you'd figure. That sounds good, right? Don't rely on addiction or whatever else to get you through this.

No, it's just knowing that smoking isn't really going to help anything. You'll just be high and still thinking the same thoughts.

Nothings masks it anymore.

[foreverfallingdown]

I don't see any point to this.

[foreverfallingdown]

I suppose I'm going to start this as if it's going to give me any relief.

I don't know ow what to say. Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a long time.

The past 10 years have flown by and I have nothing to say in regards to growth of any sort.

I'm the same person I ever was. It doesn't feel good.

I try to think positively, and it all leads back to sadness in minutes.

I can't do anything no matter how hard i try.

I've tried to reach out to old friends, and it's just not working. Either im ignored, everyone is busy, or I'm invalidated.

Its fine. I deserve this at this point.

I miss one person honestly. So much. I spent so much time with her in what little time we had together. I do feel like I loved her, but I don't entirely understand love anymore. I don't think I ever really did.

I'll never forget the first time I met her. Being told you have a new coworker is always a treat. But with night shift, you really rely on each other to keep the momentum and vibe happy.

From the second I saw this girl i didn't think we'd have anything in common. Don't judge a book by its cover rings true enough. Come to find out months later we'd be sharing time together at one of ours shows. She'd come out to them, and holding her hand in a new environment for her was such a special feeling for me.

It was the purest form of love I can imagine. Sharing the things you truly care about with each other. I can't say if she ever felt the same, and I don't imagine she really did given how things are.

I was selfish and I had to cut her off. I knew that I was getting too attached, and she ended up getting back with her ex boyfriend. I was happy for her, genuinely. Its a good feeling trying to make something work again I feel. But it tore me up.

Knowing that I'd think about her regularly, and knowing how I am as a person, I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle my emotions and I didn't want to put any stress on her. None more than I already had at least.

I honestly don't remember if I told her how I feel. That was 4 years ago now. Maybe 5, but hey who's counting at this point? Maybe I should've said more. Maybe I shouldn't of said anything at all. Maybe I shouldn't of blocked her. Maybe we could still be friends if I actually was a decent person.

But I'm selfish. I have been for years. I always told myself I wasn't, but I'm becoming just like the rest of them. I understand why people are selfish now, though. No one really does have your best intention in mind.

I feel maybe some, but any time there's an opportunity, you will be thrown under the bus.

I can really only think of one friend who hasn't hurt me, or done anything thay they actively knew would hurt me. We're sporadic as humans, so I understand. It doesn't soften the blow though.

I don't know. I've been thinking about messaging her to tell her. I don't want to be back on Facebook or Instagram though.

I just feel so bad.

I miss you.