forgetaboutmeok - Tumblr blog

[forgetaboutmeok]

This is so strange for me.

I started dating again. Well, a form of dating. All I really started was talking to people on dating apps. There is a literal storm happening so people are staying indoors, myself included. So I can't meet anyone for now. I don't think I will be able to until this weekend. It's Wednesday today. Which sucks so much because I missed two days of work. I hope my paycheck is nice, I might have to sign up for a delivery service.

Anyways. One of the guys is objectively handsome. He isn't my typical type. He is very fit and has a full face of scruff with dark features. I normally like men that are skinny/slim and have blonde hair. But I realized recently that I can also find other people attractive if their personalities are attractive. Why limit, or rule out people based solely based on my ex. So I thought I would give it a go of talking to him. He's a mental health advisor, so he works from home and helps people with the ups and I like that. He was very respectful in how our conversation started. It did get sexual, we talked about how I thought maybe I was asexual, I just feel like I don't get the same pleasure as everyone else. I feel like I need more foreplay from my partners. They just want to get straight to penetration. It's a thing that I figured all women go through. They will do the minimal amount of foreplay and get right to it, or is it me? Do I try to skip to the penetration because I think that is what they want? I'm afraid to disappoint them. He reassured me that I need to spend more time with my own pleasure instead of skipping to penetration. Jesus, how many times am I going to type penetration.

So, he seems nice. Haha. He did mention that he is a fairly horny guy but gets that I am not. We also sexted, it was actually kind of nice. He is very respectful and keeps reminding me things like, your worth doesn't come from sex, and you deserve better. It's fucking strange because he is also a dominant kind of guy. Says things like "good girl". I feel like I like it cause I just feel this need to make him happy and satisfy his every need. But also I feel weird. After everything he's going back to work and I feel weird. He said "Cant wait to play with you ASAP". Like are we here for the same things? I already told you I am looking for love.

Then there is this man that is so handsome. Again with the dark features and fit body. But he has long beautiful hair and is bi, he wears crop tops (which I find so sexy) and is geeky like me. He likes games and knows of magic the gathering. Like hello, perfection. I wish I could just find someone to cuddle and wouldn't have to worry about sex and whatnot.

I wish there was a dating app that was geared toward asexual people or people with low libido. Like why does everyone want to flirt and get to know you sexually. I just want to find my person, that person that feels me like my ex did.

It's only been a few days, maybe a little over a week since talking to him. But I miss the little fuck, its hard to not want to talk about these things with him. I know he would understand. I want to message him so bad and ask him how he's doing. I know he always say that when we don't talk he constantly thinks about me and how I am doing. But on my end it feels lonely. It feels strange to miss him so much. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten on the dating apps so soon. Maybe I am not ready. I feel like I didn't think of him like this before like I wasn't so sad but right now as I type this I am sad. Was it because I started thinking about him typing this. Was it that I was distracted? I don't see how I could have been so distracted. I was only ever watched tv before. I mean that whole thing with my best friend happened. That was a little consuming. The rest of the time I was at work. Then when that was all settled I felt like I was ready to get on the dating apps. But that was also something distracting, even if it was unintentional. So, was I really ready? Or am I just forcing thoughts into my head by writing about it?

Also saying that I am writing when I am typing is such a strange thing. It feels like a lie.

[forgetaboutmeok]

Im tipsy

I got a chance to hang out with my best friend. Meet her boyfriend. Oh my god, that shit was cute, but I felt like I was just a silent bystander to the conversation. I would just sit there to watch everyone be interested in my friend. Its always been that way. I've always been a bystander to her greatness. But it was with reason tonight. Her boyfriends friends were meeting her for the first time tonight. I was bit tipsy to be honest. So I felt a little weird to be around people I didnt know. It honestly felt like they were more established adults than I was. But they were all the same age. It was fucking weird to realize that I was a fucking weirdo that wasnt in a serious relationship. I am now at home tipsy.

I sit wishing that I had a healthy relationship that she had. She sits there saying it will come naturally. I feel kind of jealous, I want that. I want someone to get me on a molecular level like he seems to get her. I want that closeness. Those caring silent moments that you know that that person knows you in a deeper manner.

I fucking wish I could find someone that is attractive and finds me attractive like they find each other. I want that cute shit. I want the shit that makes me think that this is it. I want the real shit. But this is hard to do in this environment I am so fucking painfully normal. I'm so painfully boring. I wish someone looked at me like he looked at her. I fucking hate being so fucking boring. I wish I made someone happy like she made him.

I tried for a second to get on to dating sites but I am honestly not impressed by the options on the apps. But can I really sit here and complain. I probably am the boring person that they see on these sites too. I fucking don't like how I'm thinking about myself right now. I also can't stop thinking about how there was this very pretty girl at the table with us and I kept thinking that I was pretty like her but not dressed up like she was. She had earrings and was dressed in cute clothes. I wasn't obviously. I feel like I would feel better about myself if I had dressed nicer and worn makeup.

Here I am, losing my tipsy. I am stuck thinking about myself as this shitty human being. I need a pick-me-up. I am kind of debating if I should get a one-night stand.

Nope, sleep this shit off. Thats the name of the game. I wont think like this tomorrow. Going to bed. Goodnight.

[forgetaboutmeok]

My new best friend

I don't know exactly why I am this way. I've always been a little distant from people, or more cryptic. I am afraid to let people in. I mean, I always feel like people are judging me. It takes me a long time to let people know me. I can talk to people about superficial things but the minute I feel like they know too much about me I feel like I let too much on and will close up or blush. I hate that I blush at anything that has to do with me personally.

Anyways I feel like I've always tried to pull people in and let them know that I was there for them. I would burn down the world for them. Typical martyr me. But I feel like I don't know if people will be there for me. So I keep them at a distance from me emotionally. I tend to let people slip from my fingers if I don't feel secure in my friendship.

So I have this best friend or really close friend. She would call me her best friend way before I ever felt comfortable calling her my best friend. She was the type that came into my life like a train. She wanted to know everything. I tried to fight it but it was also so awesome to have someone want to know me like she did. She was so funny and had so much energy. I felt in awe of watching her in public. She could make a friend out of anyone and carried herself with such confidence. It was great. She has some faults, as we all do. I would come to find that she was a little firecracker, she would get angry at people and react. React first. Which made her the best person to have in your corner. However, I always felt like I had to be cautious to make sure she didn't hear someone mistreat her and let her get over angry at them.

I also found that she would get excited to have people enter her life and put in so much effort to get to know them. It usually meant that I was put in the background. I was fine with this, because no matter how close we were I liked to have some journeys be my own. I would tell her about the outcomes after they happened.

Then I moved in with my roommates. One of them, we began to get very close. He had been close to her, we all worked together. That is how he and I met, we hung out outside of work because of her. As time passed I began to love him. His gay personality and deep insight led me to love him. I found that he had such a difficult life, not put at the top of a lot of people's lists. So I vowed to myself that I would put him first. Treat him right. Always have his back. Grow with him. But his life had made him have this wall up. If he thinks someone has hurt him or has the potential to he will cut them off. I try to make sure he knows that I love him and will always be there for him, through thick and thin.

[forgetaboutmeok]

I really don't have anything to say.

I am only typing more because I love this new mechanical Nuphy keyboard I bought. I convinced myself it was a good way to spend my money because I would need it for my new position as Manager at work. But honestly I was just looking for something to spend my money on now that I earn $5 more than before.

Lets touch back at something I said before. I said that I wasn't entirely sure what my true emotions were.

Here is my current situation. I have been working in a management position for 1 month now. It's at an entirely new location and company, so very different processes from what I am used to. I dated this guy for over 10 years, with a year of separation here and there. We met in high school, like a bunch of children we thought we were it. We fucked around and did unspeakable things to eachother. I fucking hate that we did that because even now, as we try to better people we are so good at speaking to eachother. Helping eachother grow but we can't seem to get it right. We broke up a year ago before I moved out of our apartment to this house with two very gay men and one guy that no longer lives with us. We had been on the rocks, mainly because he felt something was off (often our arguments or attempts to figure out what was wrong between us came back to him not being interested in sex). I want to specify, we never had a super strong sex life as we were so fucking young when we started having sex and made it fucking hard to be intimate as we said things that were kinda hurtful to eachother. We didn't even have the intention of hurting eachother when we said these things, we just weren't thinking of how they would affect the other. For instance, when we were first having sex, he went down on me and complained that I smelled. I didn't know that he actually had never gone down on someone and I felt like I was disgusting from then on. IT TOOK 12 YEARS FOR ME TO GET OVER THIS. I have since gone down on women and still wouldn't let go of the thought that I smelled weird. To be clear, my vagina did smell, but like every vagina smells, like every dick smells. It is a different scent from your elbow, it's not bad, or good. But his dumbass felt it was bad because he was 17 and didn't know how to think before speaking. I was uneducated and didn't know how to identify that as a stupid comment and spent 12 years not letting people eat me out. It wasn't until I moved into this house, we had a roommate that loved eating girls out and we became fuck buddies. He ate me out, I saw fucking stars, and he affirmed that I smell like any vagina should smell. Fucking beautiful.

But that was one of the many things that we had done to eachother over the years, either intentionally or unintentionally. Our stupid fucking comments leave lasting effects on our psyche to weed through over the years.

So a year ago we separated. We had been in this kind of grey area. I have never had a high sex drive, I always told him that I didn't care if we had sex or not. I only wanted him to hold my hand, and kiss my forehead. Give me the small moments of love that I desperately wanted. He couldn't get past that we wouldn't have sex, as he thought all relationships needed. He felt something must be wrong but he couldn't figure out why. As he kept pushing it thought maybe he did have a high sex drive and I just didn't do it for him, something must be wrong with me. I do have a belly, I'm cute but in an ok kind of way. Not in a make someone want to approach and talk to at a bar kind of way. But what had put it over the edge was that I was obviously ok and even happy with how things were, in my head I believed that was something

Scratch everything. Why do I need to explain a back story? This is for me. I couldn't continue a conversation on the phone right now. I had to cut it short. These emotions are strong today, or right now. Since I woke up I had been sad, eating, and laying in bed. Letting my day be controlled by the impending doom that was my life. Find out that our nearly $400 electric bill didn't go through because we were a few dollars short, but the money that my roommates sent me was still in my bank account and I thought I just had extra money to spend from my larger check. I spent it all. I don't want to ask them for the money so I'm going to have to pay it with my next check. Also, pay my car payment. Also, pay the vet bill which is $600 at this point. It's fucking insane how this stuff just piles on when I think finally I must be catching a break. To top it off, the stupid idiot of a man-child that I am so in love with that is now u-hauled with a 41-year-old hag is somehow equating his cheating (not with me mind you) to be an effect of having me come back into his life. Fucking idiot. I know how hard it is sometimes to deal with the messiness of life. I mean when I moved out from being with him I fucking did Xanax and had pointless sex and when he and I started talking again, I was still doing drugs. I fucking blew him off the day that we were supposed to spend together to get railed in the throat with a dick. I know how hard it is sometimes to fucking feel in control of the mess in your head. But I grew from that, I fucking looked at myself and realized I hated this bitch. So spoke to a therapist, started meds, started journaling, and listening to self-help podcasts like the Starbucks-wielding millennial you see today. Fucking great. So I fucking get it, to my core, why he has trouble still dealing with the mess in his head. Fuck, as I type this I kinda want a little dick town to get my mind off this shit hole in my chest. But I know it's not healthy, hello toxic, good to know you're still there. So we spoke on the phone, and he explains that she and he talked some more, and he was ashamed that he is this person. Wants to fix his wrongs (he didn't say that, but knows what it was leading to). He explained that he had been so good, proud even, that he could be such a good boyfriend. The kind of man I had always wanted him to be. But then he fucked up, a month ago (circa, me calling him to see how he was doing, and re-entering his life) he started messing up. His head got all jumbled and he became a shitty boyfriend. When I say shitty, I mean, he became distant. He would get in his own head and be silent with his thoughts, she saw this. A wedge formed between them. Don't get me wrong, she sounded like a fucking twat. He's always had bouts of depression, and when he would get in his own head, she would say go for a drive. Instead of talking it through. OR she would have these guys text her disgusting sexual stuff and not set up boundaries. She would let these insecurities set in with him because she would stare at men in front of him, treat them nice, then be a little cunt to him. Say he ruined the fun for everyone. Truly stupid twat stuff. But he still feels that his part in this all, their fights and whatnot, his role in it all started when I came into existence again. So, fuck me right. So I said, ok, I shouldn't be in your life. This sucks, but if the integer that is keeping you from being happy is me, then I will leave this equation. He apologized, he was out doing deliveries, and the conversation had to end soon. I said, there isn't a need for us to talk again. I want you to be happy. I hope you find peace. I will be fine. Because I always have to die on the cross. I hate myself sometimes.

Immediately after, my roommate called. To inform me something, I honestly don't remember what now, he wanted to talk. But I couldn't take it, I cut him off. "I'm sorry, I'm having a really bad day (tears forming in my eyes and pathetic swelling in my throat.) I'm sorry, I just need to listen to music or something." Ok? He was obviously concerned, Everything ok? I'm like, yeah, and hang up. And just do a 5-second burst of crying, "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." I'm in this situation because of me and me alone. My roommate advised against it so many fucking times. I let myself believe that I could win him back and that we could finally be happy together. Now that we have all this newfound knowledge about ourselves. Guess what boys and girls, it's okay to be a little asexual, to have lower libido. This doesn't equate to how much we love someone or that there is something wrong in the relationship. This is totally fine. It also doesn't mean that we are completely turned off by sex, or disgusted by it. It's ok. It's also ok to not feel ok. To need to cut conversations short because you need to journal about your stupid little human feelings and cry like a little bitch for 5 seconds.

Can you believe I want a fucking kid? I've always wanted to adopt a 10-18 yr old. I read when I was young and wanted to be a lawyer; older kids have a hard time getting adopted and taken out of the system. I vowed that I would adopt so many kids when I got older. I would give them the guidance they needed to grow into healthy adults. I still want that so bad. When we separated it changed my plans, I realized I would either have to fall in love with someone else, and make sure they wanted the same life plans as me, or adopt on my own. Life goals, those are the compasses that guide my life. Why did I work so hard to become a manager? So I could start working on my school debt and earn enough to start working to buy a house so I could eventually foster, then start adopting. I realized after 10 years of including someone else in my life plans that I needed to think for myself. Reach MY goals. But here I am, still living that messy life, getting my heart strung along and crying over someone who isn't my kid. Thinking about, if only for a few seconds, about doing drugs again to make me feel numb.

Honestly though, Ive been typing for about 15 minutes not and holy shit. Its not the complete body and mind numbness that xanax blesses you with. But I feel kinda numb. I feel, like I dont feel that overwhelming sadness anymore. I feel fine. Well fuck, I guess that therapist was right. That overpriced bitch did have something to teach me.

Time to watch Netflix and text my roommate, all will be well. Back at it again tomorrow? It's a date.

[forgetaboutmeok]

Ok.

This is so dumb to me. I mean, I'm full grown adult making a blog so that I could have a safe space to dump my emotions. Journaling is fun until you get a cramp from the carpal tunnel you've gained over the years. And honestly, I feel like I am not my best advocate. I can sit here and try to imagine what the healthy route is for the nuances that are in my life. Truth is, I don't know shit. I am a full-grown adult doesn't even feel like an adult thing to say. I am closing in on 30, living with roommates. And normally this wouldn't be a point of contention (as living now-a-days is fucking expensive) but I want to own my own home. The one we rent right now belongs to someone else, I can't just wake up and decide to redo the deck like I know my Homegoods-loving ass truly wants to.

Let's be honest, the premise that this is out for the world (more like 1 person that happens upon this page) to see, its adds a little pressure on this to make coherent sense. Normally, when I journal, I allow my thoughts to wander, I explore the unhealthy toxic thoughts that I try to fight down normally, and I let it all out. The hell with social norms. If I want to talk about how my armpits smell bad today but also kinda good in the middle of a three-page trauma dump I can.

This space, however, I feel the need to impress. Who the fuck am I trying to impress? God the people pleaser in me is strong today. As I type this I remember the person that I paid to deliver a snack to my porch may have delivered the food and I don't have my phone on me (I left it downstairs), and they may have messaged me a sweet note that I haven't responded to. I don't want to be rude, but I also shouldn't care. But I do. But do I really?

How much of my kindness is really me? I often act out these imaginary scenarios in the shower as if I were the main character in a stupid drama. It would be mortifying if someone walked in and caught me some time. But I do this, and I feel like I'm actually a good actor. I get stuck on a spot in my little plotless mini-drama and go over it a few times to get the emotion right. I often times cry at imaginary situations that often include imaginary co-actors. OR, and this one makes me feel a little dirty after, like if I just masturbated to porn. I will enact a scenario that could actually happen in my life, and will most likely happen. Something that I can add a little drama to. Usually putting me in the role of the "good guy".

Boyfriend doesn't like how I've been so messy lately? Well, damn you, because I've been dealing with some buried traumas that have really impeded my ability to clean up my clothes that I dump all over the floor. I'll throw in some fake tears and some self-help sprits to really seal the deal. Cut to this actually happening and bitch I am prepped, by the end of it he is feeling like he needs to be more considerate of my time.

This is all hypothetical of course. I am single. And as I type this I realize that may be for the best. It sounds a little manipulative that I do that. It also fucks me up so hard because I often wonder what part of me is real. What are my true feelings about things? Am I an inherently kind, selfless person as people in my see me, or am I a manipulative cunt?