forgiven012314 - Tumblr blog

[forgiven012314]

Despite it’s been YEARS since I ever seen u again .. I still feel like we have some sort of telepathy going on. I know I’m not crazy to have such reality dreams of you.. And to know you’ve blocked me from even searching your name up I know you’ve must’ve looked at my page at some point this year or the last . I wonder if u block me because u have spite or to stop you from searching my name up…

I have no hate toward you … but I wonder if u do to have blocked me? And I have another private account where I write my thoughts but it seems that u have blocked that account as well . I’m wondering if u remember my favorite numbers and realized it was me. As I said I feel like we’re still connected because how the hell would u still know they after so long? I wish I can just push myself to reach out but I know I never will. Not because of my pride but because I think u have some sort of negative energy toward me to have even just a convo with me still. And I respect you enough to be patient on u approaching me first .. sometimes the urge is so strong by the strong dreams I have of you. The other day I ran into your brother without realizing it was him until last minute of leaving . Seeing him hit me with tons of memories of u and his presence. Things that love throws to remind me of u makes me wonder what a conversation would like with u now .. I’m not seeking closer not seeking another chance with u.. I genuinely wonder how the older version grew to be .. but I guess I’ll just send positive energy from afar and applaud u of your great success.. I gotta just let that idea go though foreal . The fact that u even blocked my spam account shows enough how permanent u wanna cut ties . I just hope one day u can find peace with me to let go of the energy u cling onto . My bestfriend says that mayb you need to hate me to keep us apart because we’d only destroy each other in each other’s encounters..I wonder if That’s true because I just can’t see us being an old version of toxic. I grew so much to think I can be that old version. That version was young and inexperienced to life passages . Hell , I still am but I grew so much love within that my confidence just glows out on how sure I am of myself and what I can control around me and my own actions . You brought a lot of growth in your absence. Wish I can tell u it all.. but I type it here. So I can just let go and leave u at peace from even my own glances at your page.. but I do wanna say I’m proud of you. I looked and u just seemed to be glowing in love within yourself .. I hope you heal all versions and grow more love for yourself .. even just from afar I can see how much you’ve grown as a person and I love to see it . Always positive energy from here but it’s time to really close your exsistence in my mind

[forgiven012314]

I know it’s been years .. I honestly would never initiate to talk to you again .. because I respect that time has gone and I know you probably wouldn’t want me to reach out to you anyway.. but part of me is curious to accident run into you .. this is a small town after all .. I wonder how the encounterment would go.. But part of me would love to have a conversation with you .. after all it has been alittle over 6 years since our last conversation and ever seeing u for that matter . The person I was in high school is definitely not one I am today.. so I’m curious is if you’d be completely different and what it would feel like to know you again .. I know it’s not the time though .. and I don’t know if our paths will ever cross again.. but I do hope the universe has us collide one last time just to see how it would play out .. I’m not intentionally asking for us to ever get back together .. but just how a conversation would go with u

[forgiven012314]

I just really tried to have a good day today.. I was so active for once.. I went to the gym for 2 hours grabbed a bite to eat before going to skate board with a friend.. even got to take

Jayce out to get some exercise … he ran like crazy hopping In the bushes. Than even walked up half up mount rubidoux.. I tried to stay out to not feel sad or gloomy .. but right when I get home my sister puts me down about not being aware of other peoples lives and knowing what I’m looking at or saying . Even just randomly inserting myself into something . And do just do it in front of my friends was just the last straw for me .. I left to use the restroom and cried.. I cried so hard.. I just really tried to have a better day today.. try not to stay locked up in my room having so many emotions.. but no matter what I do I get criticized. Wether it’s at home or outside. I’m always getting corrected for something .. it’s why I stay in my room. So I can just shut everyone the fuck off .. I need to love me but it’s so hard when everyone trying to correct ME..I just wanted a break today.. but now I have to suck it up and go back into my own room and fake the funk .. pretend I just didn’t cry. I wish people were more away of my own damn feelings.. of how low I truly feel .. how I just feel exhausted to live another day..

[forgiven012314]

I just wish I could have experienced you.. I wish the universe gave us that chance the first time around .. it sucks cause I miss you like crazy.. HOW.. how did one day make me feel that way for you?... how’s that possible.. it’s sad .. and it sucks .. this home you got on me it sucks .. you changed me where I’m so lost .. I know I’ll be okay but fuck man.. I wish nothing more than to have experienced you

[forgiven012314]

I’m done. I’m not gonna continue to say my good nights and you not acknowledge it.. I’m so fucking tired dude. I’m tired of always being so understanding and sticking to the sidelines when I know damn well I don’t deserve that. I don’t wanna continue this if theirs no effort. I’m not gonna continue to shown effort when I been left in the dark for four days. Fuck that bro. I don’t deserve it. So I guess this weekend will show where the efforts are shown.

[forgiven012314]

I love you... but I can’t tell u that

[forgiven012314]

Realization..

It’s been a year ... that hit me so hard how long I have still not been able to say I’m over u.. I’ve been feeling so quilty for so long how I felt.. because who I was with you was not me.. n I HATED myself for so long.. even in that moment seeing how much of a dick I was to such a wife matial girl you were. I knew one day it was going to hit me.. n when u left man I hated myself for so long.. n I think June 2nd.. the day u left.. I was reminiscing that day this whole month... and how just everything u did added up.. yeah I did deserve u leaving me. That I do admit because I was a dick for so long. I was more of a dick than loving. N I’ll forever hate myself for that because I am SO kind. So fucking loving.. n when I tried showing u that it was so late... but.. even so .. no one deserves to be cheated on.. I have never got that confirmation.. and it fucking SUCKS not getting it.. because that’s how long it’s took to get over u.. I can’t deny what’s been in front of me for so long .. I tried not to believe it tho.. because it’s one thing to have lost trust.. but it’s another to question your love.. I’ve never doubted that ever.. and to have felt like ur LOVE was fake.. that’s the hurt I feel..to look at videos and pictures I still can’t seem to delete from my camera roll.. to doubt that .. I just realized everything was right in my face but I was in such denial of it all because I didn’t wanna doubt ur love.. the amount of fucked up I’ve been has sucked.. and it sucksssss to still not be able to hate u.. to still feel such a fire lit in me for u.. but I gotta realize .. no matter how fucked up I was.. I never cheated on u because u did not deserve that.. n I know u saw how pure I was.. not matter how tall my wall was... n I don’t deserve that.. no one does... yet it’s been a year .. n I don’t know why I still can’t hate u ever with that realization . Why my love is so deep for you.. but I guess once u fall in love with someone.. you don’t know if you can ever shake them...

[forgiven012314]

You ..

Since you’ve left I can’t even say I’ve been even the slightest interest in another women.. I been curving so many the past year I know would be great for me.. n I’ve tried.. but everytime I remember why I shouldn’t.. because I’m not ready.. but I’ve have fully invested my time in someone. I always just leave.. I guess no one interests me more than you.. n I know ur putting urself and career first as I am to.. I guess I’m waiting for another chance to meet the new versions of ourselves.. I don’t feel like spending a lifetime with another .. my eyes has been set on u the moment I noticed u walk to the even we both met.. the idea of being inlove again and having someone by my side sounds nice but I just can’t picture it because I don’t want no new one when I want you.. but I respect ur drive for success n I rather watch u from away get it.. and hopefully when ur ready to date again.. I’d be the one on ur mind to do so..

[forgiven012314]

The last..

The last thing we have holding us together.. giving a reason to talk is officially going to be over.. you have it all together now.. I’m proud yes.. but now I won’t have any reason to talk to you.. no excuse.. so slowly I’ll feel ya really drift apart,. I know we really don’t talk anymore.. but why does it feel like I’m going through this break up once again.. even tho it’s actually been an official year we havnt been together.. wild.. this must be the most painful break up I’ve been through.. no closure.. it still feels like I’m back st that day.. u walked out that door not looking back.. knowing it was over.. you knew.. I didn’t.. it’s still such a shock and it shatters my heart .. it being a whole ass year has really affected me because how not over I am of you.. a fucking year and you have such a great hold of me.. I’ve just gotten good at hiding it.. I feel like I have to try and get over u all over again.. because now we’re gonna really drift apart.. n I can’t tell you anything.. I can’t tell u any of this because it’s so late and even if I did before it wouldn’t make a difference.. the biggest hurt my heart feels is how easy is was for you to walk away and disappear from me.. and this just feels like your walking away again but this time for good and I don’t like it.. I liked having a piece of you in my life.. I never wanted to loose you completely. I want you here even if it’s being painfully your friend.. it’s better than nothing.. but this will officially be a beginning of an end ..

[forgiven012314]

April 17th

It’s been a whole ass year since you broke up w me. Soon a year since the day u left.. how is it that it’s been a year and I still think of you. A year and I still mourn the loss of you.. no ones ever had a greatly effect on me like you., I can’t even seek comfort from others because I’m numb to it.. you have such a great hold of me than no other... it’s been a year n I hate how much u affect me cause I can’t do anything.. I can’t talk to you about it I can’t confront you. Not sure if it’s because I never got closure but this fucked me up. I can’t seek another company when I can’t get over yours.. even if it’s been a year..idk if anyone can replace you.. even I know that.. the love I had for you is deep and I just wish you fucking knew.wish u can just give me another chance that I know won’t happen. Ur to stubborn. I know you. Regardless if y feel the same I know you wouldn’t and it hurts so much because I want you.. I need you..

[forgiven012314]

You and only you

I miss you more than words can ever describe

[forgiven012314]

Only one

Your the only one I wanna spend New Years with.. I just wanna drive to ur house before that clock hits 12 and get there just on time to knock at ur door, pull u in and kiss u.. i just wanna kiss u into 2019.. I don’t wanna leave u as a memory in 2018..

[forgiven012314]

The only thing I can say..

My heart hurts

[forgiven012314]

Pain

It hurts cause I know I gotta let u go .. I know I can’t keep holding on cause your not .. I know ur fine without me now.. I can feel it... I can somehow feel you letting me go.. and it burns.. but I know your happy without me.. and I know some how I gotta do the same.. but you motivated me I gotta tell u that.. you made me want to push through to what I want to do.. you pushed me to leave all the dumb shit I’d do. You made me have a drive to pursue what I wanna do by how much u pushed me.. you left n I know I’m doing so good for myself.. u did good to me .. so I’ll never regret u.. just like I’ll never regret the tatto I got of you.. because you were an inspiration to me even if u couldn’t stay.. but I can say I know I could have given u everything you needed if u just stayed a bit longer. If U just fought alil longer..I’d sacrifice my life to work hard for the both of us. To have put you through school first to thrive first and than I would have than done it myself once u got one stepping stone up. Because you being my woman, I would always put u first. Even when u thought I wasn’t, I always put u first. One way or another I tried to provide to u even if I couldn’t give it all at once. So it hurts to let you go.. but I can’t keep fighting and me have no sign of u in return. I can’t do that to myself anymore.. and I guess that’s why I’m drinking rn.. I guess that’s why I’m drowning and not sleeping.. because I’m mourning you now because I can’t keep doing this to myself for 2019. I can’t keep hoping that you’ll comeBack. I can’t keep thinking that you’ll really come back because that doesn’t happen to me.. something I truly want never stays.. and crazy enough you keep me up. U keep me trying to push myself to forget but godamn ur a hard one..

[forgiven012314]

November 25th

I saw u yesterday.. u we’re so insecure the whole day.. I think it was cause mayb there was a lot of pretty girls at the mall. And I’m not saying that because I noticed them cause I didn’t ,only when you’d point one out.. cause honestly my eyes were so fixed on u the whole night.. u said u got fat .. n I won’t lie I noticed till later yes.. but that didn’t matter to me. I still thought u were the most beautiful girl at that mall.. I didn’t even notice not one girl because I just couldn’t stop staring at the one right next me .. it’s crazy how my judgy ass would normally care about weight but somehow It didn’t matter with u.. u looked just as beautiful to me as the day I first met u.. I hated hearing u say how u got fat or got shy to try on clothes around me because of your weight.. like you don’t need to feel so insecure. U have such beautiful face features that ur weight would never matter.. the outfits you’d describe to me of what u would wear to events u went to, I couldn’t believe not one guy tried to even get your attention. Because even in my head you sounded so beautiful.. I don’t understand how u can be so insecure. I wish u knew just how much I praise you and your beauty in my head .. all the unique qualities you have in ur personality just makes u fucking gorgeous , just wish you knew that

[forgiven012314]

5 months almost 6

It’s crazy to think I still cry about u.. still after so long .. I hate that ur not here.. sometimes I feel like ur just at work and will be here soon .. stupid me

[forgiven012314]

Hateful trust issues

I hate myself.. I hate that I still got trust issues over guys.. I get so damn hurt so quick seeing a guy around my girl.. I guess it’s guess I was always fucking afraid of nigguhs .. that damn relationship fucked me uo so bad man.. I wish I was never hurt like that.. and it did for almost 3 fucking years.. but now w my recent I can’t even trust either cause she messed it up the first time I try trusting my girl a guy around., and than I’m back to fucked up especially when I have full on trust.. now I see u post about a guy and dude tell me why my heart dropped and freaked me out that ur at his house to.. u snapped me weirdly enough so it’s making me think u want me to also know it’s not like that but everything in me is hurting already. Idk if I can just be surprised or find out next ur gonna soon talk to someone new.. idk if I wanna see that man.. I wanna ask u if there’s even a slightest chance rn but I rather not cause fuck I’m so afraid of the new answer .. all I know is rn I’m just shaking of fear.. fuck why did I have to wake up to seeing that first thinking it was something else..