forlornprose

[forlornprose]

030123

Hey, it's been so long. I have a lot to say, but I had no opportunity to write them here. Let's recap what happened these past few days.

February 13, on the eve of Valentine's Day, I received my first bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend. I usually say that I don't like flowers, so I was surprised to receive one. It made me happy.

February 16, family, my boyfriend, and I went to Singapore--my first trip outside the country. It was a mixture of fun, frustration, and exhaustion. We went to Universal Studios, SEA Aquarium, Night Safari, Marina Bay, and Gardens by the Bay. We saw the Merlion and made wacky photos with it.

These past few days, I slowly get to finish my backlogs at work. I am still uninspired, but at least I am achieving something. Small steps.

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Hey, I realized... I am starting to talk about real life now. Isn't it nice? Maybe I am slowly getting back to reality. I know I am very blessed to have a loving boyfriend, a mom who despite her imperfections is still here with me, a job that can provide my needs. Life is good, right?

I think I really have to let go of things that are holding me back. To that friend who I longed for so long, to whom I casually, playfully replied "I miss you, char" when he messaged me today: I'll do my best to stop daydreaming about you. There is no parallel universe, and if ever there is one, I won't care anymore. I am not in a limbo, I am not in a comatose. There is no waking up in a dream as I am not in a dream; this world is the reality.

To that random stranger who started as a gaming mutual but become the focus of my delusions so I can forget the friend: you have no idea, but I am so sorry for being crazy about the idea of you. It was always nice playing with you, but heck, I don't really know you. I shouldn't formulate an idea of you just so I could force shift my attention on you. Sorry for using you, even without your knowledge. Maybe it's a good thing we don't get to play together for half a month now. It's for the best.

I always said I wanted to die, but maybe I don't have to kill myself fully. I only have to kill a part of me that pulls me away from reality. In that way, the me who really loves my boyfriend, the me who have to focus at work and at life, may live happily ever after.

[forlornprose]

021323

Do you ever had a dream that should not affect you, but it slowly seeps in your head until it bothers you? I had a dream like that this morning.

I was with a group of "friends": two guys and three girls (including me). My exact relationship with them were not clear, but it felt like Guy A was my close friend, but I had feelings for Guy B. There were rumors that Guy B was part of a cult. He led us on a trip somewhere, and after the trip, my tongue was stuck between my teeth and I couldn't move my jaw. I recovered, but after that, the scene moved to a storage room in a school. We were cleaning, but the vibe was so weird that one of the girls left. I wanted to leave, too, but I was waiting for Guy A to come with me. But since he won't come, I left by myself. At the door, I couldn't help but be curious as to what's happening. I took a peek, and I saw the three of them--Guy A, Guy B, and the remaining girl--having some sort of ritualistic threesome. I ran, called my mom (the only person I know in real life on that dream), picked me up, and drove away from that school.

That dream was so weird and it should be funny in hindsight but it really bothered me. I'm not sure where that dream came from. I don't even know the people involved in that dream.

Oh well. It's a good inspiration for a story later on. I wonder when I can write again.

[forlornprose]

020823

Last Sunday, I said "hi" and he said "yo!"

He said we'll play again Monday night, but he wasn't online.

Tuesday night came, he still wasn't there.

Now I keep the game open, still waiting... but I won't message him.

"I am not that desperate, I am not that desperate." I keep saying to myself.

-

I tried talking to a psychologist last Monday. It was provided by the company, but I don't mind. It's free, and I wanna know how talking to a psychologist works.

I told her about my job, how it drains me. I told her that I can't focus. And despite my simple, uneventful, untragic life, I am still unhappy. My tendency to daydream, my desire to be alone, to get away from here, far from anyone who knows me...

She said I'm normal, but I need a break. I need a "me time". I could try traveling alone in the weekends.

I want to, I just need courage. I hope nobody misunderstands.

I hope I lack the care.

[forlornprose]

012423

I deleted MLBB so I can focus this week. I want to work every night. I also want to detach myself from my alternate world. I won't be active on Twitter, too.

I wonder if he'll notice that I'm missing. I wonder if he'll reach out, ask me how I've been. Have I started watching Peaky Blinders? Resumed reading Berserk? What have I been thinking about One Piece lately? Do I want to play rank with him?

Sorry, my guy. I have to focus on the real world, first.

Too many work to finish. Too unfocused though.

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Lately, I realized I've been in love with an idea all along. It just lingered on a person, but that can be transferred to someone else.

Too bad I always put it on a wrong person.

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I'll be gone, but please find me.

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I couldn't take it. I reinstalled MLBB. I left it open to download all the resources but I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I saw his invite to play rank.

I wonder if he waited for me.

I'm so sorry, bro, I was sleeping. I was tired.

[forlornprose]

011923

I think I'm really not well mentally. I can’t focus. I keep thinking about irrelevant things. I am obsessed with irrelevant things. And I wanted to die.

Nembutal. A drug used to painlessly kill yourself. I think it needs a prescription to buy, but I researched that you can buy it here without prescription in a higher price--about 10k? At least now I have an idea.

Instead of working, I forced myself to sleep last night. I have to. Else, I might really end it all.

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I have lot of things to do regarding work. But I want to start watching Peaky Blinders, as he recommended. I want to finish reading Berserk, too. And maybe Kingdom. Oh, and I want to keep up with One Piece. One Piece used to be the center of my universe. But now, I don't know what happened. It's not One Piece's fault, though. It's all on me.

I want to play MLBB with him every night. But I really have to focus this month.

I wonder if he'll notice me gone, and he'll reach out.

Why do I keep looking for attention from someone who doesn't really matter?

[forlornprose]

011623

Today I did not go to work. I was planning to finish something, but my brain can't focus.

I played. Got to play with a mutual. Little by little, I got to know tidbits of his life. It's interesting. It makes me pretend I'm someone else, and I am getting to know this stranger. Like how he's not actually allowed by his religion to play MLBB. How he had to create an alternate Facebook account just so people who know him in real life won't know his likes.

It sucks, how life can be restrictive.

If only we have means to live how we want. But as reality goes, only these small escapes can do.

I hope we'll be friends.

-

Sunday dawn, I dreamed of something... weird. Weird but cathartic.

I was wearing a white dress, like a hospital gown. He was there, my arm wrapped around his arm, my head on his shoulders, and we walked side by side. We were talking about something as we toured a familiar but not exactly the same place. I felt at peace. We're like very good friends. Siblings, even. It was nice.

If only real life is like that. We're friends, yes, but I would never dare to get close to him like that.

And I am so over with it now.