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2.3.17

I can’t believe that it’s truly been seven months since I’ve blogged to you, dear sis. This absolutely blows my mind, but then again it doesn’t surprise me, knowing me and my terrible knack of writing a decent paragraph about my life to you (or in general) on a somewhat regular basis.

Julia, dad and I were even just talking about this; he was telling us how one of his biggest regrets as a kid was never writing more things down--memories, adventures he went on, working as a backstage concert guy, dating all the girls he did. It’s important to remember these things!

When I go back and read my things, the few that there are, it is true that all of those emotions that I was feeling then, really return to me and make me feel the same exact way. It’s crazy. And wonderful.

I want to be better! I want to be thoughtful!

Well let me just start with the first few things on my mind. This was cute; I’m sitting by a window typing this. I’ve gotten a fancy for this little coffee shop pretty nearby, (20ish minutes?) that has a private nook you can cradle yourself in and sort of not be seen by the public eye, surrounded by books. It’s like a coffee shop/library, and I love it. Anywho, a **black squirrel just shimmied down the tree outside me. I could’ve pet him had the window been open. Hehe. I got thoroughly distracted--I apologize!

Okay, friends. I miss friends. I feel like I’ve gotten just a little reclusive lately. Not entirely; but to some degree. I just don’t want to go out and do all that they want to do all of the time. I get weary. I get tired. And I find myself just wanting to come back and sit and watch stuff like I’ve been doing. However, there are things I have liked doing lately. An older group I used to see a lot, the small friend group from Options, sweet Meagan Campbell and John Goodhew, (and even Camille, on occasion,) have gone out and climbed a lot lately! Just like at this cool bouldering place in Boulder, and it’s been good. Getting out there and working your muscles, and feeling them burn after a day’s tricky/tedious work! I’ve enjoyed it a lot.

Then there’s been these strange gymnastic/adult classes that Nora has been truthfully dragging me too--all because of a little boy she likes, Austin Gray. This boy used to be pretty close to us several years back, when we were teeny tiny little babies at SilverCreek, and he is actually Nick Vaughan’s bestfriend. He was quite a special one back then; Austin, never, shut up. He obsessed over Nora, even like tried to surprise us sometimes and just like show up places, took us to lunch a few times, and it was just ridiculous. Now years later, and we reunited with him, quite awkwardly. Last time I saw Nick, I was dancing with him and us kids were sitting under the stars and twinkly lights. It had been Ana Paula’s gradation party. We hadn’t seen Austin. As far as we knew, we disliked Austin; he was a crazy kid. Then Nick came back from break, and we all went climbing, and Austin was there.

To skip forward quite a bit, I am so appreciative and glad to see how much we have all changed. Time is a crazy, crazy thing. Sometimes I wish it would slow down, but then I realize how much it has changed us, and I know that’s how we’re supposed to be. I know I have changed, whether I wanted to or not with our circumstances--but Austin has, too. Grown up. Matured. Nora is honestly still the same as ever--17 and obsessed with her dance career and having the best grades and getting angry with her family over petty feuds. Not a lot of growth there. But between Austin and her, a definite change. They’ve bonded all over again. And Austin is a gymnastic couch at Airborne at Longmont, so while Nick went away back to college, (and we were no longer the dynamic quartet,) I’ve attended those classes every Thursday with Nora so that she could see Austin. I did something silly the other day. I decided to unearth my old phone from 10th grade and see all of the ridiculous, shamefully awkward conversations I’ve had with various old friends, like Ben Smith, my first kiss, or sweet things with Mom, or Camille, and I came across possibly the sweetest conversation with Nick.

See, we all four used to be friends. It was bestfriends Nora and Sarah, with lifetime bestfriends Austin and Nick. We hungout everywhere, and it was obvious that we all liked each other--Nora and Austin, me and Nick. He was the cutest person Maddie, daggonnit you should’ve seen the kind things we said, the maturity of our conversation, even though I was sixteen and he was eighteen. He’s twenty now. And I feel like I’m forty, maybe fifty, years old. Anyway, as the crazy little “into each other” kids we were, he was such a bashful guy. So gentlemanly, and so caring. I swear to god maddie it was the cutest thing. And I was such a mother effing bitch and put him down when he was so kind to me, and my stupid ass behavior still haunts me to this fucking day. That poor kid. He just really liked me, and I flipped out, and led him on, but turned and ran away, and didn’t even give anything a chance. I was a mother effing dumbass sixteen year-old who probably cut him deep. Such a dumbass. I swear Maddie, I still regret the way I put him down those years ago to this very day. It fucking haunts me like a ghost sometimes, especially when he’s back from college for breaks and I see him again. I can’t tell if when I see him, I see that same flicker of care for me, or of just flat out pain, (maybe distaste, too? He’s certainly been distant before.) I hate myself.

God, if Caroline’s death taught me anything, it’s to be kinder to people. It’s to realize that people are gentle and everyone has their own demons they are facing, so be courteous and respect and just love people! I wished I had treated him better. Because after he left again recently, I found myself missing him a lot. I’m such a dumbass. I can’t even bring myself to message him and say hello, like we used to. I just feel too bad.

Okay so there I went on and rambled. These are my thoughts of the day, I s’pose. Read this only if you please--I will not be offended if you don’t--god. Maddie, I love you, and I’m thinking of you always.

I’m going to get better at this, and I want to talk to you more. Even if it’s just stupid shit that comes to my head or I feel like I need to get out. I care for you. Miss you, always, my Oregon (Oregono--hehe!) sister!

Talk to you soon. :)

-Sarahsarahsarahbarah

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June 25th, 2016

I did a thing today.

I did a thing today. It was very sporadic and fun and also unbearably painful at one moment that I was squeezing my friend Marah's hand and dropping the f-bomb fervently. Marah texted me earlier this morning to see what I was up to, and as I was on the way to drop Mom and Daniel off with Juge at the airport, I couldn't then but told her absolutely later--I was free the rest of the day and was super happy to see her. A few hours later she texted me a picture of some really cute cartilage piercings (they call it helix) for her upper ear, little cute hoops, and said she wanted to get one but needed moral support. I was so excited, and definitely jumped on the idea, since it would also be a good opportunity to change my own nose ring into a smaller hoop. And so, the two of us met at Tribal Rites, the sketchy little tattoo and piercing shop in the sketchy little part of Longmont by the liquor store and Showtime Video, nervous for the needles and pain surely to come. I met Marah inside, where I also met her dad, since she was a minor and needed to be accompanied by an adult. He was hesitant and disliked the idea of her getting a piercing, but he caved in the end. She went first with her piercing, and was so scared because the only piercing she'd ever gotten were just the regular ones on the earlobe. But she did wonderfully, and barely squeezed my hand; it looks adorable on her! Mine was next, and at the last moment, I told the lady I wanted a cartilage piercing too, /alongside/ changing my nose ring. Way to go with saving money, Sarah! I got the cartilage ring on the same side of my face as Marah, the right, just a little higher up on my ear than hers. I really, really like it, and am kind of getting obsessed with piercings--tasteful, of course. Changing my nose ring was another story: I had no idea that my nose was actually infected, and by the time the lady smoothly took out my original nose ring, it was too late. She tried putting the smaller ring in, and immediately I tensed from the pain. She couldn't. I was so petrified, I just looked at her as she explained to me that she would have to use an extension thing to widen the hole and help ease the earring in. For a second, I really considered just leaving it be, don't try to put the earring in, just let it close. After all I'd done. All the pain I'd already gone through. But Marah stood there and told me I could do it, I could be tough, I would be so proud if I just did it and had my smaller nose ring as a prize, I could do it. And so, the lady used the tool, and it was the worst pain I know I have ever experienced. It's your NOSE. My head ached and my muscles all tightened, I kept stretching higher and higher up so I was sitting completely upright in the chair with my back straight and kept saying, "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck". It. Was. The. Worst. Thing. Ever. Woo! I'm so sorry for this gruesome story! I did it, and I am so happy with the result, both of them, and the pain has totally and completely subsided! I ended up getting some super good tips on how to combat the infection/what I can clean my nose with, and I think it's all going to be okay. YAY. The cartilage piercing was such a breeze, and I am so content with it. I can't wait to show you my new bling in person! ;) 

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

for the day after your birthday, (this was supposed to be posted days ago, ah) I want to write you about a cute, sweet day. the cute, sweet day had yes, boys, but also dancing in the yard, getting sick from too much ice cream, throwing frisbees with t-rex hands and sharing music until it was dark outside and the bugs came out.

saturday, may 28th

my sweet friend Ana Paula is graduating from high school, like me, and getting ready to go off to a really wonderful college in Texas in mid-August. Saturday was her graduation party, but I’m planning on throwing her a good-bye party later, since for the couple of years that I’ve known her, she’s given me more wisdom on life and understanding in my own circumstances than probably any of my friends, and for that I’ve grown to just absolutely adore her.

then night came on, and people mingled inside the tent on the little couches and chairs under the little bulb lighting, or went and stood and talked in a large group in the grass. I forgot to mention that one of the guests there was actually Nick Vaughan, back from college for the summer and much taller and built than I’ve ever seen him before. Nora had told me earlier weeks ago that Nick was back, and that she thought he had let himself go and was “heavier”, but I could tell from his frame that it was muscle he’d gained. It was weird. Being so suddenly attracted to him. Yes I admit it, Nick looked pretty fine that night. Ana Paula stayed close to her little beau throughout the night--the notorious and sandy-haired John Goodhew, brother of Joe Goodhew and once past love of Camille’s. Ana Paula has really liked John for awhile now, but unfortunately I think it’s because, besides Nick, he’s really the only eligible bachelor and decently attractive boy in that little stifling Options group. I feel bad, because I’m pretty positive John doesn’t feel the same. There used to be rumors that John had feelings for Camille and still does, but Camille knows that and doesn’t care for him anymore.

Here’s that little sandy-haired boy and Ap together.

I remember there suddenly being a change in the music Ana Paula’s brother was playing--I saw John messing with the iPad and then all this sweet jazz (that Parent Trap song, Love was made for me and you) and some swing. I love that kind of music. Naturally, I got up and started to dance. Then we all did at some point, and Nick Vaughan took my hands and showed me how to swing dance and salsa. He was really sweet and bashful and had hardly spoken a word to me all night.

Well there you have it--a sappy lil’ silly story for your afternoon!

Love you, Matim! 

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

kitties

may 17th

well, since I have been a horrible sister and haven’t kept in very good communication/or good, regular updates on my activity lately, promising blogposts and never writing them, I will be posting three separate blogposts! haha sorry if that’s excessive--but my weekend was really fun and eventful, and I’d love to share everything that’s gone on! with that, here is thursday’s adventure with playing/taking photos of the kitties.

I remember I came home from work on Thursday grumpy and mentally exhausted, because that’s the kind of state Robin plus the unhappy atmosphere of that building puts me in. But when I walked in, the house was empty, and I could hear voices in our backyard. I walked out only to find five out of five of our cats bumbling around happily outside in the sunshine, with Julia doing her best to herd them all around so none of them would try to hop the fence without her knowing, and mom and Daniel doing yardwork, mom giggling at the kitties. I couldn’t help but smile at the scene in front of me, and I felt a lot of the stress and anxiety from work just lift off my shoulders. In a few minutes, I was changed into shorts and helping Juge usher the cats all around, making sure Nannie wasn’t getting into trouble trying to be on her own, and Ralph, Tao, and Grace eating too much grass. silly kitties!!

After a few moments of hanging around out there, Julia and I had our cameras in hand, documenting this hilarious day of playing with our five cats in the backyard.

KITTIES

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

sunday, may 8th

I interrupted this study session (oops I have an exam tomorrow) to take some photos of the goings-on here at home; it’s stormy and mother’s day, and julia has been watching movies with Leonardo Dicaprio in them all day (because why not?), and for all of us, it’s been really restful and calm. :) we’re missing you lots and lots today, so this is for you, matim!

after their walk around the neighborhood, I ushered these two back outside. I told them, “it’s for maddie!”

when mom saw me step outside to take photos of the lilacs, she joined me, iPhone in hand, and we both had a go at taking photos of these beauties. I took some of her, since it’s mother’s day, and she was purple like the like the lilacs.

“look Mom, you match!” 

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tuesday, may 4th

this morning was really pretty. the house was illuminated with lots of beautiful sunlight, and the kitties have all been perching by or in the windowsills to get a better view of the birds outside. mom left for her meeting about an hour ago, so I have the house to myself: wednesdays are one of the rare days I’m left home alone for a little while, and I really enjoy it.

of course, the typical thing I like to do when nobody is home is play music. my spotify has been suggesting lots of appropriate songs for the mood today: I know you don’t often listen to the song’s people put on their blogs, but I thought I’d include this one on here just in case--I found it really pleasant. :)

I think you’d like it, Jugie. ;) it’s your style. 

meanwhile, here are some pretty things I liked from today, and that reminded me of you. like I said in my text yesterday, I keep half-expecting to see you from around that corner by the stairs, sitting on the coach, coffee in hand. that or when I wake up, hear you and Juge’s voice talking or laughing. when you were here, I always knew you and Juge were awake because I could hear you guys. I miss that noise. I miss you, dearly my man.

for some reason our house has had so many flowers in it lately; there’s mom little orchid (that’s surprisingly still going though she forgets to water it all the time), white orchids on the kitchen table from my birthday, and now this bouquet that I got mom from safeway yesterday. she told me in secret, eying her bedroom door cautiously, that she has always preferred this kind of assorted bouquet to roses any day. “Daniel always brings me roses,” she had chuckled guiltily.

(sunny bunny hadn’t wanted Mom to leave today.)

I love you, my sweet sisters. I hope you’re enjoying this day as much as I am. :)

5/4/16

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burfday

just a blurb for no real reason at all

ya girl’s finally 18 

i miss ya.

(4/17)

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In case you’ve been missing the flatirons! :) ^^^ At church I met up with Sawyer and Suze; it’d been a awhile since the three of us have seen each other altogether, so we decided to make a day of it. We stopped by Sweet Cow in Louisville to get ice cream, borrowed all of Sawyer’s athletic clothes, and went on a long hike up some foothills that Sawyer knew where to find. When we got home, we made chocolate chip pancakes, and some for Jaxson, too.

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this is the song by the head and the heart that was playing during our winding drive beside the water, down the coast of california.

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ironman’s senior trip.

oh man, there are no words for this.

day one

On Wednesday night, all 21 of us seniors stood outside in the driveway to wave the people on the bus goodbye, struck that this had been our last trip spent with them, but also excited for what was to come on our own trip. everybody stood on the pavement for awhile after the bus drove away, cheering and loudly singing songs, but I could feel the achiness in my feet of a long week and an exhausted body, and I needed sleep. And a shower that lasted longer then two minutes.

As we all filed in, the average-sized house that had just held sixty people within its walls now seemed barren, and our shrunken group couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated. the first order of business, much to my dislike, was to either hottub together, or eat ice cream outside. I chose to do neither. well, I had a tiny bit of ice cream, but it got so awkward sitting outside while mostly all of the teenagers were in the hottub, that I went inside and discovered this pretty little floral couch that was moved back in a few minutes before.

As I was sitting there, Taylor walked up to me, and hesitantly asked if he could join me in sitting. He said it was too loud out there for him; it was for me, too, so I said yes. it was beyond wonderful, to sit, practically alone, with having been surrounded by people wherever you went for the past five days. Taylor seemed to have read my mind, because he commented on how pleasant it was to sit with just another person (without dozens of other people walking around us). eventually, though, a girl named emma came in and set up her sleeping bag right in the living room to sleep. then another boy, colin, came and sat on the floor below taylor and I’s sofa, and our quiet time was short-lived. After this, we all separated, boys in the dining room/kitchen, girls in the living room, and slept on sleeping bags on the floor.

day two

It was not but four hours later that some random alarm went off, and all of us sat uncomfortably upright, grumbling and bleary-eyed, wondering why the heck an alarm went off so early. a few minutes later, Gary was calling from the other room for us to get up--at 4:00 in the morning--pack up all our things, and go. Half an hour later, half of us are piling into one 15 passenger van, and the rest in the other. I scrambled for the very back seat at the very back corner; maybe I could put my pillow up against the window and get some sleep. I can’t remember who sat next to me.

And so we drove, from 4:30 in the morning until the sun came up. It had probably only been two hours in our van, which had Philip, Hudson, Taylor, Colin, Noah, Ashlyn, Kayla, Kenya, Isaac Ruble, etc., when all of the sudden, there’s a crazy rattling inside the entire van. And by rattling, I mean shaking, like something was clearly very wrong. Being by the window seat, I became very uncomfortable very fast, and within minutes everyone who was sleeping was awake. Kenya was scared. Most of us thought the tires weren’t aligned or something. So when we did finally pull over, our two drivers, much to their surprise, discovered we had blown a back left tire, and hadn’t even realized it. They told us, if we had been driving for just a few minutes more, at the 70 mph rate we’d been going (also downhill), the van could have flipped entirely. Multiple times.

Slightly shaken up, all 14 or so of us had to pile out of the van and stand awkwardly on the side of the busy freeway. The wind was blowing pretty nastily, and it was only 6 o’clock, so it was still cold. My friend Hana had a blanket which I had been using, so the two of us huddled together. Soon everyone else caught on, and we ended up standing for a few minutes in this funny looking, tight circle of shivering teens. People went in and out of the circle, which shifted it up, and at one point Taylor wrapped his arm around me and rested his chin on my head. A few minutes later, and Hudson was somewhere on my other side, because he’d noticed Taylor had wrapped his arm around me, so why couldn’t he, too? Oh that boy irked me so much this trip.

Soon, after our little tire adventure, we’re all safe and sound, driving at rapid speeds to catch up with the other van who had kept going even when our tire had nearly exploded. They had all stopped for breakfast and had been eating for an hour when we finally met them; I got this really delicious raspberry muffin and chocolate milk. Honestly my stomach was in turmoil, so something light was nice.

The next stop was one of my ultimate favorites. We’d eaten breakfast at some small shop in Santa Barbara, and once we all got back into the vans, we drove for probably ten minutes more before they told us to get out again. See, with senior trip, you have no idea where you’re going, everyday. You drive and drive and drive, stop and tell you to get out, go somewhere amazing, and repeat. Today, in santa barbara, we stopped at a small, quaint beach.

We were told to just put on some shoes, and take our small journals (moleskins!!) which Gary had given us all before the trip started, and find a spot to sit on our own for a bit. However, before we were sent off, Gary told us the significance of the beach to him; it was where he’d grown up, and would visit nearly every weekend with his family as a kid. It was a place where he and his siblings played in the water, and got burgers and ice cream down the road afterwards. it was precious, and a home to him. So before we left to sit on our own, he told us to reflect on our family, because this beach, that’s what it signified to him. But family? Family was a difficult concept to me. My family was broken, separated, had so many changes occur in its lifetime that were damaging, painful, that it hasn’t really felt like a ‘family’ any more. I mean, Daniel isn’t family. Of course, when I think of you, or Julia, you are my family. But, a whole family? We weren’t whole.

When I sat there on the beach, I could feel a wave of sadness rush over me. I’m sure lack of sleep and the events of the morning had rattled me quite a bit, but just, sadness. and longing. my mind, after briefly mourning what our family had become over the years, switched to Caroline.

And you know what Maddie? She was there. I sat and I stared at those rhythmic waves, at the foamy bubbles that licked the shore, and I could not shake the feeling of her presence, right there, in that moment. She was running with the water, coming up to lick the shore teasingly, then hurriedly backing away to form new waves. She was in the water, trying desperately to find a flat rock to stand on and shouting to us to brace for the next “big kahuna!” I stared and I gaped and I found Caroline there in the ocean. She was happy and she was frolicking and she was free.

This was what I wrote in my journal that day:

“It’s Ironman, senior trip day one, and I’m sitting on a beach somewhere close to Santa Barbara, told to reflect on my family because this is a place Gary used to come with his. I can’t stop thinking about Caroline. When we woke up in the van, and the sunrise exposed the ocean, my heart just welled with emotion because I could feel her presence so strongly looking at that grey moving water. The lighting looks just like when I took photos of Caroline in Kauai; it was orange out, but evening, so it cast shadows in the sand and on her face. I adore that entire day we spent together--two bums, laying on the sand, the two of us who actually can tan. (hehe) Where there is an ocean, I feel her so strongly. Her peace, its movement, everything. You stared at the ocean like you understood its mysteries. Like she was swallowing it whole as best as she could with her eyes; the ocean moved something in her. I’m so grateful for my parents. For my sisters, all three of them. For my family, no matter how dysfunctional they were and are. They mean everything to me, and I’m going to miss the two most influential people in my life: Maddie, Caroline. They are so beautiful, have their own gifts and ways of perceiving things, ways of writing, ways of speaking, ways of laughing. They are just so divine, Lord. My family, my flesh and blood, are the most wonderful people in the entire world.”

When I looked up next, some of the kids were already making their way back to the vans. and there I was sitting, with an uncontrollable need to cry and a desire to stay at that beach forever. But it’s funny how things work; a year ago, I might’ve said that I disliked Clare with every fiber of my being, but as time goes by and feelings change, she was no longer my enemy, and Philip was no longer my goal. When I stood up from that little beach and made my way slowly to the vans, Clare caught my attention, and I went up to walk gently beside her in the sand, carrying our shoes. I remember saying, “my sister”, and next thing I knew, Clare is holding me while I’m crying. God must work in mysterious ways, because the love that this person showed me, the way that she perceived I needed care at that moment, was mind blowing. The next thing she said, as I was still being hugged by her, was, “she’s looking down at you right now.” And god, did I believe her.

In whole truth, the remainder of that day was a blur to me. I remember we settled back into our vans, made ourselves cozy, and some people managed to drift to sleep while we drove for a particularly long interval this time, maybe three to four hours. My heart was still heavy, and I wasn’t in a very talkative mood, but something about the splendor and dreaminess of this next stop cheered all of our moods, I think.

Our next stop? Hearst Castle, a literal castle built by a millionaire named William Hearst in 1876, located up above the bay and secluded in the hills of California. Lindsay Dee had arranged us a tour while in the vans, a phone call nobody seemed to have caught. One of my favorite parts was actually taking the little shuttle bus up the winding hills, because there was green, green everywhere, and herds of mountain goats, and to the left, the ocean. On the twenty-minute shuttle ride, I was grateful to have Taylor’s calm company beside me. I don’t think he’d seen me crying earlier that morning (though the majority waiting at the vans did), but I think he knew that there was maybe something there.

He lightened my heart a lot. We sat together, pointing out the little creatures we found as we drove, and attempting to take photos of the sparkling ocean below with our crappy phones. My heart skipped a beat every time I saw that glittering ocean, and I wanted to lean over and tell Taylor how beautiful it was pretty much every other second, tell him I’d seen my sister in it, but I restrained myself. We sat beside each other on the way down, too. After Hearst Castle, that night was the most memorable to me.

(Side note: The castle was outstanding. It was enormous and luxurious, and had incredibly ancient tapestries and artwork and flags. The outside was groomed to a tee, with actual heart-shaped hedges like you’d see in Edward Scissor Hands, and roses and pretty tropical flowers all alongside brick rails. All of us were so amazed; you and I must go there sometime).

Taylor lost his seat buddy, a boy named Noah, who decided he wanted to sit by the beautiful red-haired Ashlyn Bostic. It was clear he’d been developing a fancy for her over the whole week, and it seemed, gradually, that the feelings were mutual. They most definitely became ‘the couple’ of the trip: it seemed that senior trip did that, was a catalyst for romantic things to happen. and I guess it was my turn.

Oh Maddie. Next thing I knew, I was sitting beside Taylor in the middle seat, watching out his window for the beautiful scenery and glimpsing his face every time the sun lit it up. I lowered myself down in my seat, bracing my feet up on the seats in front of me and watched as Taylor did the same. Over the quiet music, (our driver Nathan played The Head and the Heart, since a few people started to nod off to sleep), he and I talked. We talked about our testimonies that we were expected to share. Everyone in our van was going to tell their life story, at some point on this trip. I told Taylor how terrified I was to do this. He said he was too, and especially anxious about what exactly we should share--how deep should we go? For the sake of calming our anxiousness, he and I decided that we would just go surface-level; tell the gist of it, make it short, avoid the hard stuff because the hard stuff is what would change people’s views on us forever. After this conversation, Taylor and I supported each other a lot when it came closer to us giving our testimonies. We’d tell each other it would be okay, and we planned to give each other a big hug afterwards.

However, thankfully that evening was not the evening either of us had to tell our stories. We’d been talking for just an hour, when the van suddenly skirted to the side of the road. It was on a cliffside, and Gary wanted to show us a large group of sea lions dead asleep on the beach below us. There was just a little railing where we could look over and see them; my view was blocked by Isaac Ruble and Philip. Taylor stood behind where he couldn’t see either, and talked to me, until Isaac R. turned to look back at us, telling Taylor he should come look. What he actually said was, “Taylor stop flirting and come look at the sea lions.” To this I looked directly at Taylor, taken aback that Isaac was so blunt, and watched as Taylor gave a cheeky smile to the ground. However, that amusement was short-lived, because moments later when we piled back into our seats, me beside Taylor, his attitude seemed completely changed.

I remember, after Isaac made that comment, Taylor stepped up with him at the rail and the two of them looked at the sea lions, so I turned to Philip and joked with him, eventually enveloping him in my towel I was holding because there kept being uncomfortable gusts of wind that were super cold. In all truth, we were just trying to make a barricade from the wind, and eventually my friend Hana took Philip’s place. But Taylor turned around, maybe saw us, and his behavior was quite changed back in the vans. I still don’t know why. If it was because he was bothered by how close I stood next to Philip--since after that that’s when Taylor seemed off--or if while he was standing next to Isaac R., his comment was replaying in his head, and he was dealing with being called out on his confusing behavior. In all honesty, I bet it was the latter.

So we settled back into the vans, Taylor and I somewhat uncomfortably; I noticed he was sitting pretty upright and facing towards the window, so I just lowered myself down in my seat again and watched the view from a small corner of his window, careful not to make it look like I was staring at him, but honestly just enjoying the view. Because oh Maddie, it was a view. I wish I had better words to describe what it was like, better yet, I’ll just take you on that winding road along the coast someday. It was absolutely remarkable; after stopping at that cliffside, the vans took a route that was right beside and above the ocean. Even more astounding was the sunset on the water, and the bright orange sunlight through the van windows that reflected on us. My eyes were glued to the cliffs and rocks and crashing waves below us. The Head and the Heart was playing. Really everything felt like a movie in that moment.

As I was staring outside, shifting slightly from side to side from the winding roads, Taylor made an upset groan beside me. i asked him what was wrong, and he said that he was feeling carsick. Truthfully, he told me, he hadn’t been feeling good all day, oddly nauseated and uncomfortable. I tried to figure out a way we could alleviate the sick feeling, like switching seats with someone at the very front (though those seats were for the drivers), or eating a little bit of something, but he refused any of that. Instead he talked to me for awhile, and admitted that he was finally feeling settled. Thing was, my brain is so dumb and psychological, that when he said he felt carsick, I started to feel it too. Now we both sat together, feeling gross.

I tried to focus on the way the sun hit his face, right by the window, and I was completely distracted. We both sat upright together, and flashes of the sun and the shade would go across both our faces. I noticed how his eyes, light colored and green like mine, would illuminate with every passing flash of the sunshine, and he’d squint at the brightness and I would too, because the same thing would happen to me. The song, Down in the Valley by the Head and the Heart, was playing, and our conversation came to a gradual slow as I felt my body relax and my eyes blink slower. I was tired. Tired and content and at peace in every way.

Taylor grabbed his pillow, his pillow with the school-patterned pillowcase that his grandma had sewn his name into, and wedged it in-between his shoulder and mine so that I could use it. The way it was rested blocked his face completely from my view, so I leaned gently to the side and went into a half-sleep for almost an hour. When I woke up to the jostle of the van, Taylor’s head was right beside mine, and we were sharing the same pillow on his shoulder. He saw that my eyes had opened, and mumbled something asking if I was comfortable. We did this mumbling thing back and forth quite a bit. Every time he asked I told him I was completely comfortable, because I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to end this moment of sitting with him. Driving on the coast, the sun in his eyes, on his shoulder.

We stayed like this for hours.

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

blurb to finish the last blurb

As I mentioned previously in my last post, Taylor had spent a great deal of time with me during the first several days of ironman, but it was short lived: after that beach day, something changed, and he instead cut all communication with his friends and turned his attention solely to Kate for the rest of the week.

This honestly didn’t bother, nor surprise me. I carried on, indifferent, with my friends, and had the pleasure of meeting some very precious, sweet freshmen girls, made quick friends with this awesome kid Finn (man loved that kid, he was so sarcastic), and of course, stuck by my girl, Suze!

Oh, here is Finn! For an entire day of crazy activities, we were on a team together! This was after a color run--Black Team won. OH YEAH.

(He’s all the way to the left, the lil’ blond)

You would love that kid!

okay, so, like it says above, I just wanted to blurb really fast since my last post cut off on a pretty weird note--I really want to tell you about senior trip, as it was so important and definitely emotional, but I thought it was important to mention briefly what sort of happened on ironman. Ironman wasn’t as fun, besides making new friends; overall it was just very hectic, and I was feeling the stress the entire week for no real reason. Senior trip, though, was a breath of fresh air, and will always, always stay in my memories, forever.

(Finally, the coolest portion, senior trip!)

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

Taylor pt. 2

Ironman 2016

March 19th, day one

As I was trying very hard to avoid sitting beside Hudson or Clare on the incredibly long van ride to California, I had texted Eden Paulson to see if she'd like to sit by me and be my van buddy--she did, and it was really fun. She is absolutely the sweetest, most gentle person I've probably ever met. I always wondered what all the hype was about her sister Kate (yes, that Kate), when Eden is just drop-dead beautiful in every way.

So here is a photo of us together! The van ride!

The strange part was, though I had distanced myself a great deal from Taylor in the days leading up to Ironman, a few days before the trip he texted me out of the blue and asked if we could ride in the same 15-passenger van on the way there. I never responded to him, but when we were all divided and sorted into vans at the church, Taylor was, evidently, in my van.

The sleeping positions were actually quite funny--in my row, seats of three, Eden was in the aisle, I was in the middle (oh Maddie it was SO crammed, the middle is the worst seat by far!) and beside, guess who? Philip! I was sandwiched between Eden and Philip. Ah, good times. Both Eden and Philip fell asleep on my shoulder many, many times.

Taylor was in the seat directly in front of mine, crammed in the middle like me. During the miserable nighttime drive, where we went all through the night, he'd turn around to face me and talk to me to keep me awake, as he and I agreed that there was absolutely no sleeping in the middle seats. It was just impossible.

The next morning, Taylor took this snapchat of us as we were all just waking up. Notice how it was the ungodly hour of 6:44--the sun was not our friend in these vans! ;)

Ah Maddie, I can't explain how precious these van rides were. The super special part was that these vans were exclusively for the seniors, just the 21 of us. We didn't have to ride the giant bus with all of the underclassmen, (juniors, sophomores, etc. like Susy, Kate, Marah were all on the bus), but instead, the entire week we spent our rides in the van getting closer with every new person you sat next to. It was so intimate. I remember talking with Isaac Ruble for three hours one time, I can't even remember what all about!

March 20th-25th, Ironman with the underclassmen

Ironman is the technical main portion of the trip, where everybody, all seniors, juniors, sophomores, and freshmen, are together for the five days. We all participate in the activities like the beach, the theme park, solitude day, worship, teachings, all that stuff.

In the first couple of days of Ironman, though all grades were together now, Taylor surprised me by sticking by me quite a lot, despite Kate being there. He'd constantly chat with me on the vans, or while we ate dinners in the Osborne's backyard, and on the beach, he'd go down to the ocean with me.

On our first beach day, where we all stay from noon to sunset, there was lots of picture-taking on my part. It was a good day.

[formaddie-foreverago-blog]

Taylor pt. 1

Matim! I want to apologize for the lateness of this post. I had written a fairly decent amount, a nice three paragraphs or so, until 2:00 last night, but apparently silly little tumblr did not save the post. :( Ah I am so bummed, but mostly for you, since now it’s taken me an eternity to write and send this to you; I’m so sorry!

So at last, without further adieu, here is the tale of how I fell very, very hard for Taylor Johnson (for the second time) on Ironman.

Firstly, here is a little bit of a backstory: I was looking through my diary yesterday, something I never, ever write in, and discovered an entry I had actually written about Taylor the day after we had first met for ice cream in December. It was the 6th, a rainy evening, and the the very first time Taylor and I had ever spoken two words to each other. For three years we’d gone to the same youth group, but never, ever, talked. So, according to my diary, this was my first impression of him;

“December 6th, 2015.

He has this softness about him. Apparently when I met him on that rainy day, eating ice cream despite the cold, everyone thought it was a date. God, things spread like wildfire at that youth group.

Washington boy, loves the rain. His backyard was a forest. He told me when he and his siblings would run around outside at their home out there, they’d often scrape their knees on some strange scratchy bush, so from then on it was “watch out for the pricklies!” He was a quiet, gentle, reserved kid, and told me that he “barely spoke a paragraph in a whole year”. Moved from here to there a lot. Was bullied, physically, at that damned Rocky Mountain middle school. I guess it was a pleasant childhood until he moved here, to Colorado.

Taylor had this way of telling stories, especially of his past. Of the more difficult things, he’d speak slower, carefully pick out his words.

He has a twinkle in his eyes, and I don’t mean that just to sound sappy. Like actually, his eyes glittered. They’re always present when he smiles. Sitting in his car in the dark, just a street light giving us light, I’d lean back and listen to his voice, then sometimes crane my neck to the side and catch him as he licked his lips (in such a way) during one of his pauses. Such a stupid thing to notice, I know.”

Now, flashing ahead by around three months, this boy soon caused great confusion in a very small interval of time. I knew a few weeks after I had gone to coffee and breakfast with him that I liked him, but because I didn’t want to verbally confirm it to anyone (besides Susy, of course), my other two friends Kate and Marah decided they would jump the bandwagon in an effort to call dibs, and thus began the rat race.

The rivalry was between Marah, Kate, and I. They just didn’t know that I was secretly in it, too.

I think the saddest part was, before this all happened, Kate and Marah were the sweetest, closest of friends, but instantly their friendship went to the wind because of this boy. Man I’m telling you, this Taylor Johnson has some sort of voodoo magical powers or something. He caused so, so much heartache and conflict like, right away.

Okay, SO: here is who Taylor Johnson was to me:

Taylor did this thing where he would text me long responses all throughout the day, often personal or on events of the day. 

On one of the worst days, Christmas Eve, I remember asking a few of my friends (Philip, Susy, Taylor) for prayer for Christmas, as it was the first big holiday without someone we dearly loved. I could feel the aching hole of her absence; I know we all could. And Taylor said the kindest things. I wish I could remember them. The next day, Christmas Day, Taylor texted me the entire time--asking silly questions about our family traditions, what presents I got, what things we did to pass the time--keeping me one hundred percent occupied, distracted from one of the hardest days. Ah and Maddie, to this day, I think I will always be grateful for that, for him, doing that for me.

It was the things like that that just got me. He watched Harry Potter for me, and started watching Lost, and would discuss it with me and be all silly. He’d sit with to me at social gatherings, take me to dinners and church and teach me how to play the guitar. He actually spent the first few moments of his 18th birthday (get this--Valentines Day) squished on a couch beside me, playing Call of Duty with Susy and her boy Johnny.

When he unexpectedly bounced back to Kate, I tried to leave the scene as quietly as I could.

Ah the way they acted; the two of them dove headlong into this coupley, ‘forbidden’ kind of flirting. It was attraction, infatuation?--Taylor had eyes only for her, like only her, at gatherings and youth group. They were relentless.

It was like that several months we’d spent getting closer had never happened. I wonder, all the time, if he ever actually did care about me, in some way.

I wondered if there was ever a part of him that had feelings for me. I wondered if he liked talking to me, if he liked my story, the things I cared for, who I was. But, I left. Stopped reciprocating, responding. Ah, you should’ve been proud of me, Matim! I was done with him for such a long time!

Then Ironman happened.

Okay, next up, I want to describe what all Ironman was like, so next post will be more like a story! I’m going to put lots of visuals, like photos and videos, to make it more fun. :)

Ah, you’ll get to see Tay in this cute video I have.

Ahh Ironman was the death of me.

PT. 2: IRONMAN SENIOR TRIP, 2016