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You are my exhaustion

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You pushed me to my limit.

You pushed me to the line.

You drew the line in the sand

Then shoved me right up to it

I begged on my knees at the line

For you to change

For you to do something

Anything

For you to just talk to me

But that was too much.

So I stood up

And I crossed it.

Now I stand on the other side

Looking at you

Down on your knees

On your side of the line

Begging for conversation

Begging for me to talk

But it’s too late

I’m too far gone.

I’m looking back at the drag marks I left in the sand on your side

I’m looking back at all the times I begged for the bare minimum.

I’m looking back at all the times I begged you to be the man you made me fall in love with.

And as I look down at you on your knees

I don’t see him.

I see someone else,

Someone that’s hurt me for far too long

And I’m ready

To turn my back

And never look at that line again.

“The line”

-sna

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Warsan Shire, from "For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"

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Nothing’s the same

Everything has changed

We’ve changed

As individuals

And together.

I became someone I didn’t want to be

I became who you wanted me to be.

You became who you wanted to be

You became who I didn’t want.

I keep changing for you

You keep changing for you.

I’m not happy anymore.

I want to be who I was meant to be

Not who you think I should be.

The problem is

I’m the problem.

I always do this.

I become the person my partner needs

And lose myself in the process.

I’ve been doing all I can to just keep myself sane

And now I’ve lost the will to keep going.

I want to go home

You used to be home

Now I don’t know where home is anymore.

I want to go to the woods.

I want to disappear.

I want to exist without having to do or be something.

I want to simply exist and that be enough.

I just want to be.

But now I want to just be, alone.

-sna

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Oh baby

How much I love you

So much

I couldn’t possibly describe it

It’s a feeling unlike any other

It’s a feeling felt in every way

Physically

Mentally

Spiritually

It’s undeniable

My love for you

I believe

Is amongst the most powerful of forces

My love for you is eminent

My love for you is strong

My love for you is everlasting

My love for you is unconditional

My love is for you

And only you

“My love”

-sna

January 1, 2020

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Oh my sleepy bear

I love the peaceful energy you radiate

While you sleep.

You make it so hard to get up.

While you lay there

With a steady breath

And a slight snore

Always touching me somehow

Whether it be a full on cuddle

Or just you holding my hand

For the sake of touching each other

While we sleep.

It makes me so happy.

It makes me feel so loved.

It makes me feel so cherished.

I love the love we share for each other.

It’s crazy to think I ever doubted how much you love me.

I don’t know how.

You show me every single day

In every single thing you do.

You go above and beyond for me constantly

And I’m beyond grateful.

I guess I just needed enough time to realize you were really going to stick around

To realize you really want to spend your life with me

As much as I want to spend my life with you.

And I’m so thankful we’ve made it

To this level of comfortability with each other

Because now

There are no doubts

Not one

That I will spend my life caring for you

And that you’ll do the same for me.

We’re soulmates darling.

We always have been.

‘Soulmate’

-sna

December 27, 2019

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Have you ever looked at someone

And just known

That they’re the one?

Has anyone ever actually experienced love at first sight?

I feel like with us, it was similar

Not necessarily “love” at first sight

But an understanding

A mutual understanding that this person is going to be important in my life.

From the day I saw you

I knew you were meant to be in my life.

I knew there was a reason I had moved to Dallas

I knew you had started working at that airport for a reason

I knew us being in the same place at the same times wasn’t coincidental

I knew it meant something

Now I know what it meant.

We were meant to meet.

We were meant to fall in love.

We were meant to move across the country together.

We were meant to go through heartache together.

We were meant to build each other up.

We were meant to learn each other’s love languages.

We were meant to become best friends.

We were meant to spend our lives together.

We were meant to meet that day in July.

We were meant to start the love affair of all love affairs.

We were meant to rewrite fairly tales.

We were meant to live happily ever after.

And here we are

Even when everything else in our lives begins to crumble

We are happy with each other

As we were always meant to be.

“Meant to be”

-sna

December 23, 2019

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You my love

Are the very epitome of my existence

You are the reason I live

I was born for you

I was put on this Earth to love you

I truly believe that.

I don’t believe that’s the only thing I’m meant to do of course

But it’s one of the most important aspects of my existence.

You are a key aspect of my life

You have been since the day we met

And we didn’t meet by coincidence

Everything aligned perfectly for us to be at the same place at the same time

Both in the right moments of our lives

Ready without even knowing it

To meet each other and fall in love.

Our fairytale is one they write novels about

One I hope to write novels about

It’s been forbidden since the very beginning

Yet we continue to defy all odds.

Our love for each other is strong enough to overcome anything

Just as we have

Just as we will do for eternity.

We were born from the same star my dear

Risen from the ashes of something the lit up a universe much like our own

Forever dying and being reborn into something beautiful

Destined to find each other in every new life

Destined to love each other with a love so strong it defies everything

Destined for each other.

“Destiny”

-sna

December 8, 2019

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In your arms

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be

Cuddled up to you

With your head on my chest.

I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve been watching you sleep for the past 6 hours

You’ve rolled around

You’ve thrown an arm or a leg over me here and there

You’ve snuggled up next to me

You’ve laid on your back with your hands behind your head

And now you’re back where you belong

With your head on my chest

And my arms wrapped around you.

All night I’ve been watching you

I’ve been falling in love over and over again

I really love watching you sleep

Even though sometimes I wanna wake you up

To show you something

Or to give you kisses

Or to just talk to you

I love watching sleep so peacefully

And I love when you reach for me in your sleep

It’s a little reminder

That even in your sleep

You want to hold me

And I love that so much.

I love you so much.

You always make me feel so loved

Even when I’m laying here being enamored by you.

You really are the love of my life

I know I say it all the time

But I feel like I just keep finding more and more reasons every day why I’m right

Just proving to myself further

That we were born from the same star.

I am so in love with you.

Some days I feel as though there’s no possible way I could love you more

Then you do something as simple as sleep

And I fall even harder.

‘My love for you’

-sna

December 4, 2019

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Honesty

A major component in our relationship

Something we pride ourselves on

Something I couldn’t be more proud of.

The way we talk to each other is everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

You tell me everything

Everything!

Even the stuff you wouldn’t normally tell people

The nasty, gory details

I love it

I love it so much

Because I can do the same.

I know with you I can tell you anything and everything

And I want to!

That’s something I’ve never experienced before

I’ve never felt like I could lay everything out on the table

I’ve never felt comfortable being vulnerable

But with you

It’s natural

It always has been with you

But I feel like recently it’s reached a new level

I knew level of blatant, not sugar coated, blunt honesty.

So thank you

Thank you for never ceasing to amaze me

Thank you for always being honest with me

Thank you for allowing me the freedom to always be honest with you

Thank you for loving me for all that I am

I promise to always love you for all that you are.

‘Honesty’

-sna

December 4, 2019

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As I come to an end in this here journal

I’m sad and happy at the same time

I’m sad to have run out of pages to fill

But happy to have filled these pages with words expressing my love to you.

I’m happy to get to start a new journal

For a new year

For a new decade

For the million more words I’ll use to describe my love for you.

I’m excited for what’s to come.

I’m excited to continue growing with you.

I truly hope this journal has at least begun to explain the love I share for you

I can’t wait to see the smile it puts on your face when you start it and all the way until the end.

I hope reading this makes you as happy as it made me writing it.

I love you darling.

For eternity.

-sna

December 4, 2019

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Things have been so crazy

With mom being sick and everything going on in the apartment

It’s all insane

I have no idea how you hold it together

How you stay so strong through it all.

I’m losing my mind.

I feel like I’m going crazy.

Like I’m losing touch with reality.

You’re the only thing keeping me afloat.

You are my sanity.

-sna

December 2, 2019

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Today has been rough

I mean it didn’t start off that way

But it’s just been a wild one.

Mom had emergency surgery today.

We thought she might now make it.

I lost my mind.

I couldn’t stop crying.

I felt like I was going to make myself sick but the thought of losing her hurt so bad

I just didn’t care

I couldn’t care

It didn’t matter

In comparison to the pain I was feeling.

We had been fighting before I found out about it

Nothing major

Just a stupid little argument that led to us giving each other the cold shoulder for a minute

But the second I found out about the emergency surgery

And you saw that first tear fall from my eye

You didn’t hesitate to hold me

You wrapped your arms around me and let me bawl into your chest.

I felt like I was losing my mind

I was losing control.

I was so fucking terrified

Probably the most scared I’ve ever been in my life.

Losing my mom is probably my biggest fear

And it all felt so real right then.

I couldn’t be more thankful to have had you there to hold me.

You just held me in silence and let me cry it out

And that’s exactly what I needed.

At once point I started hyperventilating

So you got me a paper bag and made me breathe into it to calm down

Then you got me a couple of joints to smoke once I’d calmed down enough.

You really are so good to me.

Too good.

I love you so much

And I’m so thankful to have you by my side

You’re my ride or die baby

And I’m yours.

Thank you for always being there for me and knowing exactly what I need.

I could never say thank you enough for all that you do

And I promise to never stop thanking you

Because I know you’ll never stop doing what you do

I love you baby

Thank you

“Thankful”

December 2, 2019

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Thunderstorms

Rain

Chipotle

Sponge bob

Puppers

Cuddles

Socks

Basketball

Hoodies

These are some things that make me think of you

When someone mentions these things

Or I see them

I think of you

I think of our inside jokes

I think of us laughing together

I think of us laying together

I think of us walling together

I think of us traveling together

I think of us being together

I think of you.

You are my world

The center of my universe

I revolve around you

Everything revolves around you

You are the sunshine on my darkest days

You are my salvation when I’m feeling astray

You are the one thing that keeps me sane

For all of these reasons

And a million more

I love you

I will always love you

Until the end of time

For eternity

-sna

November 24, 2019

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You are my sunshine

You are my soulmate

You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of

I love you so much

November 21, 2019

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My love for you is eternal

It goes on forever

It never stops

It never really started

It’s always just been.

My love for you is ever growing

Stronger and more passionate

With every passing moment.

Our love is a love that surpasses time

It surpasses all things of physical existence

It is forever

And forever it shall be

-sna

November 13, 2019

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The other day

We were laying in bed

We were laughing about something

And couldn’t stop

Everything we kept saying

Was hilarious apparently

And I stopped for a second

And I looked at you

And I realized how happy it makes me

To see you that happy and care free

It warmed my soul

It made my heart swell

It made me so happy

Just seeing you laugh like that

Just seeing you so happy

And I realized

Your happiness has always meant more than my own

But you always seem happiest when I’m happy

And I realized you probably feel the same way as I did

Watching you laugh

I understand why it’s such a big deal to make me happy

Because it’s a huge deal for me to make you happy

And I love that so much

I love us so much

You’re going to be my husband one day

You’re going to be the father to my children

You’re going to be the person I wake up next to for the rest of my life

You’re the person I want lying next to me on my deathbed

You’re my person

I know that without a doubt.

I love you.

-sna

October 26, 2019