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[forsachididi]

It’s a child!

January 20, 2019 Boston, USA

Dear Sachi Didi, Congratulations! Wow-you're now a mother. The last time I was on this blog was on the verge of another major life event for you in the form of your marriage. And as I log back in to the blog, truly what a coincidence I find---I had written that blog exactly 5 years ago to the date!

*** It's been exactly 27 days since your child and my nephew was born. During these days I have often thought that I must fulfill what I had promised you to write a blog. However, often times I found myself procrastinating-not really knowing what to write. What is there to write and say about a topic where so much has been said and written about. And who am I to do so. I neither have a child of my own (none that I know of at least ;-) nor any significant experience working with them. What follows is a jumbled and rather random patchwork of my own thoughts either through my limited life experience or through the writing I myself have read on this topic.

Raising a child is a beautiful journey, not a test of your motherhood: Perhaps the first thing I want to mention is about the notion of "maternal guilt". Diana Evans in an article in The Guardian writes, "When a foetus starts living in a woman's body, the woman moves into the house of guilt. It's quite a big house." From the moment you were pregnant, as a woman you are told of do's and don'ts. This list is never ending. Sometimes these do's and don'ts are for yourself, sometime for the child and often communicated out of love. However, with this encoding comes guilt---guilt for all the times you're not able to live up to being the "perfect mother" or at least the world's conception of the "perfect mother". Times where the "do's" are not followed and the "don'ts" are. I hope that in the midst of this turmoil you're able to take every advice, even though they may be out of love, with a pinch of salt. Ultimately, this is your life and at least for now your child to bring up. Let no one make you feel guilty for the choices that you do make since no one but you is in the best place to make a judgement on the right and the wrong.  It is perfectly okay, in fact encouraged to make mistakes-to do what seems right to you, even though those around you may not agree. And remembering that raising a child is not a test/exam which you need to pass and get an endorsement of from your family or the outside world---raising a child is a beautiful process that you have now embarked upon and as such no one's endorsement is needed.

Make your partner an equal partner in raising the child: Our perceptions of what a marriage should be like or how a parent should behave is largely shaped by the observations we ourselves made of our parent's. Part of that reality has been that the mothers of our houses have often been the most involved in child rearing while the fathers have been out earning bread. And somehow we have continued to believe that this is the right and only way forward. I hope though in your own small ways you will find a way to change this. Child rearing must be as much a responsibility of Akshat Jiju as you. This means not just taking care of the child's financial needs, but also spending quality time with them. It starts early with changing diapers, spending time and eventually attending the school functions and being there for the child. Equally sharing this responsibility will also help with decreasing maternal guilt, since raising the child now becomes a shared responsibility. In her book "Lean In", Sherly Sandberg gives an example of the first time she had asked her husband to change their child's diaper. While at it, he was doing a poor job and Sandberg quickly scolded him, said he was doing it all wrong and then started changing the diapers herself. Looking back she said that this was a really horrible thing for her to do. Instead of teaching her husband to do it the right way and sharing the chore, she instead took that additional responsibility on herself. In short, instead of doing the work yourself, teach Jiju despite the mistakes he makes--so you may share in the equal raising of the child. Seeing his parent's do this would also help the child inculcate values of shared parenting responsibility.

Raise a child, not a 'boy': The first question that is often asked after a child is born is-is it a boy or a girl? And with the answering of that question starts the entire chain of codes that tell you how to raise a boy or how to raise a girl---not just how to raise a child. Blue for boy, Pink for girl. If it's a boy we will buy them cars and cool gadgets. If it's a girl we'll get her coloring book, painting-something artsy. At each step expectations are put on a child of what it means to be a boy or a girl. And how hard it is not to do so when everyone around you is. I hope in your unique and small ways you're able to free the child from such shackles. Along with the cars and GI Joes do bring a kitchen set for him or a nice pink shirt. Do teach him the artsy and the "girly" stuff. Let him explore his own identity and likes and dislikes and in so doing you will teach him a softer, more loving and inclusive definition of masculinity. As a male he will have undeserved privileges and powers and seeing a household where both his parents are raising the child equally and social norms of gender are not imposed on him will perhaps help him contribute towards a more gender equal society.

Being more than a mother: I have so often found that in the process of raising a child, the parent-more specifically the mother herself and her individual identity is often lost. She becomes, just a mother. Equally sharing in child caring will help you break out of this and continue to remain all the other things you are-including a highly educated, smart woman with her own personal and professional aspirations. I hope that when you do decide to reenter the work-force you're able to make that decision without any guilt. And I do hope you do so at the earliest and when you feel comfortable. This child is its own human being and letting it be the center of your world and attraction for too long will be harming both yourself and the child. Yourself because one day it will dawn on you that for the child you're no longer the center of his universe and for the child because the longer you do so, you will project your own aspirations on him and make it difficult for him to be his own being. One of my favorite chapter's in Khalil Gibran's book, "The Prophet" is on children where he writes that the first steps a child takes is a step away from its parent. He further writes:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

I do hope that I have made some sense in the prior paragraphs. Perhaps much of this advice is irrelevant, misinformed and not wise. I hope you take the parts that you may deem useful and throw the rest and not ever think about them again.

If nothing else, I just want to say I am so happy and thrilled to have become a Mama and I can not wait to see you and my Bhanja in person. With lots of love, Aditya

[forsachididi]

It's your day!

January 20, 2014 Stanford, California

Dear Sachi Didi,

It's your big day. In a few hours time you'll be married and on your way to starting on a new journey in life. It is in occasions like these that it really hits you that you’re growing up, your sister who you thought just hit her 20s is getting married and in its own subtle and slow way, life is changing. While being away from home has meant missing a lot of weddings and celebrations I would have liked to be there for, I can tell you that your wedding is one that I will miss not being at the most. As I write to you, many memories and multiple emotions come to mind. 

The earlier memories include playing kickball in Kalimati or seeing you in your red shorts in Rato Bangala. However, as you started boarding school followed by me going to Mussoorie, there is little that I remember from a vast chunk of our growing up years. It was only after you got back from Australia and once I started seeing you during my own vacations that we started talking. As much as we celebrate milestones and landmarks, life is in fact about the smaller moments. Moments that seem trivial, but are the ones that we most fondly remember. Coming to Kalimati and spending time there eating chura-mattar or being harassed by mamiji to have one more glass of juice. Or when you came for lunch and to chill in Kamaladi while working at Siddharth Bank. Playing board games, dum(bum) sharads, killer amongst other things are cherished memories that have defined our childhoods. I also feel most happy to be privy to and a silent listener to the many gossip and conversations you shared with Sweta and Ankita didi as I quietly sat in the room. But, the good thing about memories is that you keep making them, every day, every single moment. 

As you begin this journey let me pass on my own words of advice. Perhaps this would be best suited for an adult much older to say, but I think I can muster up some wisdom at 12:52am. And may be if it were a wedding here in the West, I would be saying it as a toast over a glass of champagne. In the hustle bustle of the wedding and the first few days, I hope you take some time to reflect on how amazing it is that you have found a life partner for yourself. It's truly a special thing. People live their entire lives longing for one, yet have little luck. But, you've found the one and dare I say, he is a damn good find. A husband who appreciates the awesomeness of cricket knowns a thing or two about leading a good life ;-) You asked me on a couple of occasions how I liked Akshat and it was usually a short 'he's good'. Having our 2-min free flow session as you drove the car and he sat beside you was the moment I felt you guys were perfect for each other. Advice #1: He's your man, hold on to him tight.

After you settle in and all the buzz around has calmed down is when it will hit you that you're married and life is different. At these time you might feel lonely and a little sad. In fact, for a long time you'll feel people are judging you and you need to hold your guard up to best represent Kedia family. But remember this is your family too and you're not representing anyone. You're just trying to get to know others better and you want to do this while you are being yourself. Don't change what is good about you to please others. If you do, it will unfortunately be a facade and a burden you'd have to carry on for a long time. Advice #2: Be yourself

Now, as you know, there will be days where things won't be as rosy and nice. You'll have arguments and a few fights. But these moments will make you stronger. Have the patience to be silent and to listen to the other person and try not to go to sleep mad at each other. Whatever the problem solve it before going to sleep. Advice #3: Carry the other when they're down

It is my deepest belief that one way you can be truly happy is by engaging yourself in worthy pursuits. You've gotten an amazing education, so make the most of it. Not too many people can boast of getting a Master's, that too from Australia. Initially you might be busy in the house and then later you'll have kids and you'll get busy in bringing them up. Then they'll go to college and suddenly you will need to find other ways of keeping yourself busy. Instead of putting off your plans of doing what you want with your life for future, start living it now. Don't compromise with your dreams and aspirations. Advice #4: Do something awesome with your life

Lastly and most importantly, keep in touch. So the most important of advices, Advice #5: Visit Kathmandu often!

Once again, Congratulations! I still can not believe you're getting married, but I'lll get myself to. Have the most beautiful of days, because you deserve it all. 

Lots of love, Aditya

[forsachididi]

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.'"

Shall We Dance?

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