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[fortunetellerspoetry]

Who The **** Am I?

I am not my past. Ive promised myself I will not be my past. I will not be my breakups. I will not be my PTSD. I will not be my scars. I will not be my mental issues. I will not be a victim of everything in the past. Ive promised myself this more times than I could ever count, yet here I sit. A shaking mess. Hitting the back of my head, wanting to feel something but not wanting to bleed again. Here is sit, tears and snot spilling down my face like a child who has fallen on the playground-will I ever not be a child. I lost my childhood years ago when my father got mean, my step mom got drugged up, and my mother got busy. Ive lost my childhood. Yet here I sit, shaking back and forth with my arms around my knees like a kid lost in a haunted house. I thought I wasn't a child, yet here I sit. Sobbing over the fact he hasn't texted me since 7 o’clock this morning. I know he's not hurt, and I know he's not cheating. I know he's just busy, but the worry that is built inside me after having a beast friend and boyfriend who would disappear for hours and come back with bruises. The built in pain from worrying about him all day, and worrying even when he was there. The pain that is stuck with me when what I thought couldn't be true was. Everything fell down around me like a building that burst into flames. I had put my entire being into that relationship, like the child I was, and it had all come back to haunt me. its been so long but that fear is so stuck that I still shake when I think about him. But I built myself back up, because I promised myself I am not my past. Yet, here the **** I sit. Who am I to cry over such little things? Who am I to cry over a boy when I there is so much worse in the world. Who am I to cry over a boy who I know loves me. Who am I to not trust him, just because my exes left some scars. Who the **** am I anymore.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

Its the Ghosts Fault

When bad things have happened in history, people blame it on ghosts, witches, devils, the devil. People can never just responsibility for what they have done. It seems to follow us through history, and blood lines, all the way to me. Here I sit in denial of... just about everything.

 I hear noises, I say the house is haunted. 

My eyes seem red in the mirror, but it cant be because I was crying. 

No, it must be the devil. My appetite is disappearing, it must be the chupacabra. It ate up my appetite like it eats up goats and sheep. 

... and my strength? Maybe a ghost took it away in so that the ghost may finally rest. But im not mad at that ghost.

I wish I could rest too.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

Why

I have gotten to the point where everyday I can honestly say I love myself, its been like that for months. why is today different? why today do I feel like shit? why do I feel all the bad habits coming back in waves over my very being? I don't feel human. nothing feels real. I feel like a ghost. maybe that's why he's not texting back. or maybe its the ex boyfriend that's back in his life. just there, my insecurity is coming back like a tsunami and I'm drowning once again just like I used. the insecurity and jealousness and envy, why did it chose today. why did it come back at all. I thought I was better. Im really trying... why am I not better yet?

[fortunetellerspoetry]

The Fight

Its been a long time since I last wrote and spoke my mind. Its hard to feel strong when you say just how weak you are. Fake it till you make it has been my life for months, hiding in the shell of the badass wannabe, pretending nothing affects me. Its hard to keep up the act when every stare I get makes my stomach curl and every word said behind my back the less I sleep at night. Ive finally learned the art of loving myself and its not what I thought it would be. Its hard, but it was worth it. God damn it the fight is tiring but its worth it when at the end of the day I can look in the mirror and feel compassion for the person I see. I always used to think self love wasn't something you could fight for, you were just born that way. but I'm fighting for it, and im not perfect but I finally know im worth it. Im not falling over people who don't give a shit about me, and im not seeking attention from people I know are just gonna fuck me up. I still have those moments where I ask myself why the fuck im doing this, but they are smaller moment than they used too be, and when they are gone I know exactly why I am fighting. Its not for my family, its not for my friends, and it's not for my significant other. Its for me. its so I can enjoy the people around me and enjoy my life.

I am fighting for me.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

him

I miss dreamless sleep. I miss being able to sleep knowing I won't see him every night. I hate it because its the best part of my day. That's why dreamless is so much better than this.

Vivid dreams of holding his hand, kissing him.

Vivid dreams of him cheating, of him leaving.

And the worst part is I can't wake up and escape. The images follow me and drag me down like a ball and chain. It never ends and it never eases up.

He’s in everything around me but he's not here. He's everywhere and nowhere. He's in my heart body and soul. His words infiltrate my minds and dig in like worms in fresh dirt. Taking up all the space in my mind, but not in front of me. Everything is 

him.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

“sometimes”

sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. sometimes I wake up from a dream I don't remember scared for my life. sometimes I wish I knew what the actual what is going on. sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone. sometimes I wish I was someone else. sometimes I think such terrible thoughts I think I should be locked up. sometimes I wish time would slow down. sometimes I think im getting better until something goes wrong. sometimes I question the reality around me. sometimes I see things. some times I think. sometimes I wish “sometimes” would come so fucking often.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

tik-tok

tik-tok, I hear the clock. its chiming in my ears.

tik-tok, ill hear the clock chiming for years.

tik-tok, you hear the clock, reminding you of your tears.

tik-tok, you broke the clock. now time to face your fears.

[fortunetellerspoetry]

soulmate

I feel your hand on mine and a burning sensation rips through my body. you look at me like I'm a piece of art to be treasured. like I'm delicate but strong. you call me yours and my heart flutters. I want to be yours forever but what if I'm not. I look at you I know you are who I was meant to spend my life with. my soulmate.

but am I yours?

[fortunetellerspoetry]

clipped

I spread my wings and leap into the air, for a moment the air rides under my feathers and it feels as though the risk was worth it. but then gravity fails me, I start falling and falling until I feel myself fall onto the cement. 

[fortunetellerspoetry]

late night runaways

I walk onto the street. its still rainy from earlier hours. the street light illuminating the streets with a red glow. I look back at what I'm leaving behind, and then forward at what I'm following. as I walk further away from the place I once called home, I feel something I've never felt before. it takes me a while to put a name to it but then I remember. it what you feel when you've been swinging for a while and you go higher and higher until your stomach drops.

it's freedom. I've missed it.