fosterwhat

[fosterwhat]

My kids are all at school and daycare, so why did my heart just leap into my throat when I heard a little child next door crying “Mommy” —

Parenting, particularly trauma parenting, will change you at your core

[fosterwhat]

I am so tired of the lying. Felix is almost 10 years old and sneaks and lies and steals. It breaks my heart AND pisses me off. He’s been with since he was two years old and knows it’s not okay. And yet he still does it. I get it is trauma. It still is impossible to parent.

Yesterday he was at practice without me (they don’t want parents to stay, and I have two other kids to deal with so I don’t particularly want to stay anyway). He was there from 4pm to 7pm. He didn’t go to the bathroom once, despite them taking bathroom breaks. He p**d his pants at some point and didn’t bother changing (he had spare clothing). He rode home in a friend’s car soaked in urine. I had to do extra laundry again when he got home and his booster is ruined.

Today I asked him to bring up a pile of his laundry I had already washed and folded. As in, carry one armful up one flight of stairs. He stomped and cried down the stairs because he didn’t want to. I went down because he was taking so long to come back up. He had poured dog food all over the carpet and there were cookie crumbs too. He immediately told me he’d done it because the dog had been eating cookies and he wanted to distract him. I looked straight at him and said, I know that’s not true. You took the cookies. You went to the cabinet, opened it, unscrewed the jar and took out 10 cookies. The dog doesn’t have hands. He insisted it was the dog. I repeated, it’s not the dog, but since you likely made the dog sick you can take him to the yard to go to the bathroom while I watch and then come back in and vacuum the rug.

I should add I do NOT deprive this child of cookies. He already ate 3 when he got home, he had a huge dinner of his favorite food (mac and cheese), with multiple servings. He was not hungry.

This is the kind of impulsivity we’re dealing with. I can’t leave him alone for a second. He needs to be line of sight. He is a 10 year old who scribbles on walls, cuts up blankets with scissors, binges food, and isn’t toilet trained. He’s still in diapers at night and wets during the day (doctors all say there is zero medical reason, it’s all behavioral). We do all the meds and all the therapy and there has been tremendous progress in most areas (no school suspensions this year!), but this is still so hard. I want him to be able to play in his room alone, to be more independent. But every single time I think we could be, this happens again.

It’s exhausting.

[fosterwhat]

Felix doesn’t have an autism diagnosis because early childhood trauma can look an awful lot like autism.

Also Felix, lining up his every single fry on his plate in size order and eating them smallest to largest.

And when I said, “It’s spring break, would you like to stop at the new ice cream place for a treat?” Felix said, “we can’t, we had popsicles at camp today.” Because you only eat ice cream once a day.

(Greta was appalled and we did still get ice cream, which Felix happily ate. He wanted the ice cream, but it logically made no sense to him. Because you only get ice cream, at most, once a day)

Anyway. We’ve been on a waiting list to get autism testing for over a year, but given what’s happening politically right now, I’m hesitant to add a formal diagnosis. I’ve never been that person, by the way. Kids deserve their labels. They deserve to know who they are and access resources available to them. I just don’t want my kid ending up trapped in a “wellness farm” or on a national registry. I know they’ve walked back some of that. But I know too much about history to trust.

[fosterwhat]

We entered the dance comp scene this year. As a kid who grew up doing community theater, these big competitive events are all new to me. After the last few months, I’m really grateful that our studio isn’t comp-focused. It’s a strong dance program — they’re focused on technique and kids who do well can go on to dance at college or professionally. But they only have us do comps for experience. We are required to do two a year, plus a convention. Thank goodness.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. I mean, I’ve seen Dance Moms. Some of the kids from other studios definitely have that reality. I met a couple parents who told me their kids compete every weekend during comp season, all over the country! What I wasn’t expecting was the overlap between pageants and dance comps. (Yes, I’ve also seen plenty of Toddlers and Tiaras). There are options to submit photos for vanity awards. Tiny girls drinking Starbucks frappes. Tons of merch. You can win an animal (?!). Parents with shirts repping their kid. The whole thing was mind blowing to me.

Felix got a judge’s award and was so proud. Dance has been really good for him. Two years ago he couldn’t even get on stage. Too much anxiety and total meltdowns. This year he was front and center at a competition in a location he’d never been in before. For those of you who know Felix (or have followed his story on here), that is huge.

Next year I’m probably going to have two kids on the competition team. So that will be interesting. Greta will love it.

[fosterwhat]

Greta: What is this song?

Me: The Rainbow Connection. It’s sung by Kermit the Frog

Greta: A frog?

Me: it’s a puppet

Greta: Well, the frog’s not very good

Me: You don’t like Kermit the Frog’s singing?

Greta: I mean, he’s no Shania Twain

[fosterwhat]

We’re still here. Surviving.

For those that are counting, this year (aka since January), our family has had:

Flu A (me)

Norovirus (Greta)

Secondary infection from the flu requiring antibiotics (Me)

Norovirus (Me)

Bronchitis (Baby Henry)

Yet, we’re still here! It’s been a very bizarre month plus because DCFS discovered that a judge had ordered no contact between Baby Henry and his parents. They’d been having weekly visits, which suddenly stopped when DCFS realized they’d been breaking a court order for months. (I might worry this would give away who we are, but I know multiple families who have experienced similar, so nah). We have had very limited contact with DCFS since visitation paused. No one seems to know when it will resume - I guess a judge has to lift the order? All of this was due to The Incident (which caused Baby Henry to enter care). I don’t actually know what it was, but it has to be bad because I’ve never had a parent ordered no contact with a child before in my 10+ years of fostering.

Instead, Baby Henry now has regular visitation with a family member because DCFS wants him to have “safe family contact”. But this family member has a history that means custody will never happen, and filed multiple, horrible false allegations against me during the older children’s time in care. So I’m left pondering what safe even means anyway. (I should add I 100% support safe family contact and there are other family members who would be far better equipped but DCFS is mad at them for refusing to take custody and are punishing them by refusing to allow any contact). Remind me again why we are permitting a highly problematic (and honestly dangerous) family member regular contact with a baby, and refusing the potential lifelong connection to stay in his life?

[fosterwhat]

There’s a Father/Daughter Valentine’s Day dance today and I’m so sad Greta isn’t there. She would love it. I’m looking at photos online and it is so up her alley. Red and pink and sparkly and heart decorations. Candy and chips and cookies. It looks adorable and sweet and I hate that she’s missing out because she doesn’t have a dad. (I did think about finding a friend’s husband to take her, but I don’t really know anyone who would be a good fit for that, and then I forgot it was tonight). Lots of her friends from dance are there and I hope they don’t mention it at ballet tomorrow. I’m also sad for me, which is sort of ridiculous, but I’d love to help her get into a fancy dress and paint her nails sparkly and take photos and hear all about the great time she had when she gets home. I want to say “who does Father/Daughter dances anymore” but the truth of the matter is, given where country is politically, I bet we’ll see a lot less inclusion, not more. That doesn’t mean inclusion isn’t worth fighting for, just that we need to pick our battles. And personally, I’ll go to bat for Black History month remaining in public schools, but I’m not choosing dances as my hill to die on. Still, I’m sad and ready to have a sad kid tomorrow.

On the plus side, she just burst into my room dressed as a cow and made me laugh. So there’s that.

[fosterwhat]

Bronchitis

This is ridiculous

A whole month of illness

May February be better, healthier, more sane politically, and just generally…better.

[fosterwhat]

The oddest thing about Baby Henry being back in care is that I have so many of his early memories saved. I have baby photos of him, I have videos, he’s in professional family photos we took over a year ago, he’s in Christmas photos from last year and this year.

And yet, we didn’t see him for 10 months. There’s a big gap.

I’ve never had a foster child re-enter care with me before, I suppose for many this is commonplace. All my former foster kids have either successfully reunified or stayed here forever.

Baby Henry should have never reunified. I will never forgive DCFS for that.

And we don’t know what the future holds. I assume he’ll go back again, not because it’s easier to think that, but because I don’t trust the system.

For now, we take the photos and the videos and make the memories and store them safely. Because one day we’ll likely need them.

[fosterwhat]

I’m sick again.

This is getting ridiculous.

[fosterwhat]

So far in 2025 we have had:

Influenza (me)

Norovirus (Greta)

Bad colds (Felix and Greta)

The destruction of America as we know it

I’m not loving 2025

[fosterwhat]

So far 2025 has been a disaster.

It started with me sick with influenza. Days of high fevers, unable to eat, coughing up a storm. Used up a week of sick days. And I’m so far behind at work. I still don’t feel 100%. I’m so drained.

And then yesterday Greta says her stomach hurts. Middle of the night she throws up all over her room. I’m talking everywhere. She ended up sleeping in the bathroom in a sleeping bag, because she didn’t want to go back to her bedroom. She’s still sick today. I’m crossing every finger that the boys and I don’t catch this.

We’re been very unsettled since Christmas. The break was not relaxing. Travel was hard, illness immediately followed. My Christmas tree is still up. I need to do about 4 loads of laundry, plus fold. I just realized I didn’t pay some bills and now I have late fees.

My dog continues to be a jerk. Somehow our four day trip undid all his crate training, he keeps barking at night, our neighbors are mad.

Baby Henry is still here and in some ways he fits right in, but in other ways it’s turned our lives upside down. Driving to daycare everyday is a blur. He has a lot of health problems because of medical neglect. Behaviors, too. Nothing I haven’t seen before. My mom isn’t particularly supportive, she keeps saying, “I don’t know if you realize, but he’s changed the dynamic.” Obviously. We’ve gone from 2 kids to 3 kids. Why does she think this is news?

I care for him a lot, but I’m also tired and don’t trust the system. DCFS needs to make a decision. He’s been in and out of foster care. He’s two. If they’re going to send him home, they need to do it now. Or they need to move toward permanency with some degree of urgency. I know they won’t. I think I’m keeping myself distant from him to some degree because I assume they’ll send him back, again. And no, it’s not safe.

[fosterwhat]

We went away for part of winter break, which is a story for another time. Kids had fun. Traveling with 3 kids was a lot. But we survived.

And then the day we got home I started feeling sick. And then sicker. Turns out I have Influenza A. I have not been this sick in years. My fever is hovering at 103 with Advil. Yesterday I could barely move, my head was pounding, I managed to get all three kids out of the door and to school. I’m so grateful the two bigger kids have bus service.

My dog has been an asshole. He doesn’t want to sleep in his crate (he got freedom from it while I traveled), and whenever I go upstairs he barks his head off. So I’ve been sleeping on the sofa, which is maybe better so my coughing doesn’t wake up the kids, but annoying and bad for my back.

It’s been a bad week. Please don’t let the kids catch the flu.

Also, feel the need to add that I got a flu shot. We all did. Go get your flu shots so you don’t feel like death! If I’m this sick with a flu shot, I would be hospitalized without one.

[fosterwhat]

“Mommy, if Birth Mom keeps making poor choices, will we adopt Baby Henry?”

Big questions from Greta, who is now six years old and precocious as anything. I explained that Baby Henry is still only visiting us, though it’s longterm (court happened and he’s officially placed with us).

Two days later:

“Mommy, you know how we are getting a baby? Well, maybe Baby Henry could be that baby. And he could live with us forever. But it’s okay if not, because then we can get a different baby instead.”

She was so factual, didn’t seem stressed or concerned. We talked about how Baby Henry will always be her brother, no matter where he lives. That it’s nice to have him be with us right now. That no one knows the future, but that I will always share news with her and Felix after I receive it.

It has not been an easy transition, but it has also been an easy transition. They are all siblings in the most stereotypical ways you can think of (squabbling, jealousy, loving fiercely).

Things don’t feel completely real to me. All of this happening around the holidays has placed us in a sort of limbo - routines are so shuffled already. It’s a break in reality. I assume we’ll come crashing down to earth at some point. I can’t believe I’m raising 3 kids (indefinitely).

[fosterwhat]

I moved our dining table from our open plan living room into the connected kitchen, and placed it on a rug the kids used to play on. And now the kids all crawl under the table to play on the rug. Which wasn’t the goal at all, but is a nice outcome as it means more floor space and fewer kids underfoot. I highly recommend under table play spaces.

[fosterwhat]

This month has been the epitome of if it rains it pours.

December 2 - Baby Henry (BH) moves in. I take a week off work.

December 9 - Tour a daycare and they magically have a unicorn spot, but oh we can’t register yet because we’re waiting on the delayed custody hearing

December 11 - Hospital appt for BH

December 12 - ER visit for Felix (he’s okay now!)

December 13 - follow up medical for Felix (accompanied by all the screechy kids, 3 kids is a lot btw). BH has court hearing, but it gets delayed again, so still no daycare (or knowledge if he’s staying or going)

December 14 - Felix’s dance recital, he does so great! Growth from last year (when he refused to even go on stage) is huge. And he’s good! In the center of one dance. I corral Greta and bear hug Henry so he doesn’t dash on stage

December 16 - Back to hospital for Felix, unrelated to aforementioned emergency. Greta throws up at school the moment we check in at the hospital, call sitter to pick her up. Chase Henry through the hospital hallways as we wait at hospital. Drop Felix at school, pick up Greta from sitter (she’s fine, of course), drive home for lunch because oh, I never walked the dog and also I am supposed to be working from home

I have not wrapped a single present, I am so behind at work, this is the last week of school before 2 week closure. And court has still not finished, so still no daycare. December.

[fosterwhat]

Baby Henry is here.