foundedinchrist

[foundedinchrist]

The Difference Between Survivor and Thriver

About a year ago, I was in a dark place. I didn’t think life had a purpose. I didn’t think I had a purpose. Every negative thing you could think to say about someone, I believed about myself. I didn’t have many people in my life, and I didn’t want anyone in my life. I didn’t want anyone to become a part of the mess I felt I was. The mess I truly believed I was. God felt that I needed to have people in my life, and He lead me to a few that have helped me a lot over the last year. However, I was aware that having people in my life, meant having people that cared about me, and they were hurting because I was hurting. I interpreted this in my mind as I was hurting them, and began to hurt myself, because I felt it was only fair. Depression has been a battle of mine for a long time, but only recently has it been a battle that I have recognized, and begin to try fighting. It was almost a year ago when I decided I wanted to get help for my depression, and that ended up being a tough journey to start. However, once I found the right people and the right medicine, I began to improve and I began to feel better. I went out more, talked to people, made friends, and I found myself less and less crying myself to sleep at night. I felt like my bad days were just simple bad days. It was easier to cope. I made improvements and things were going good. Then, one night it hit me like a truck and I felt like I was back to where I started.

It sucks more this time because I have more people in my life. I have people in my life that went through this with me last year, and they don’t want to have to go through it again. I don’t want to go through it again. I am on medicine, I go to counseling, and I do all that I have been told to do, and yet I still relapse. I look in the mirror, and I see this person so full hate for herself. She has a heart of love for others, but she fails to show that love to herself. I’ve been told that if you bring the darkness into the light, it will be easier to cope with. While being honest about my depression and the thoughts in my head was not easy, I decided to talk about it, and I regret every second of it. I believe that leaving the dark, in the dark would have been the better option here. Saving it for lonely nights when no one is looking.

I have been a victim of so many negative things in my life. It started in elementary school, and it never really stopped. The situations just got worse as I got older. From verbal bullying to multiple forms of abuse, I have had my fair share of feeling worthless. I struggle to recall a time in my life, where I felt worth something, and I felt happy with who I was. I may have had moments, but that’s simply all they were. Just moments. While I have been a victim of many things in life, as we all have at some point, I do choose to believe that I am not a victim of my depression. There have been times where that was the case, and that was a rough time for me. However, I do not believe that is my case now. I have had a rough week, and the weekend didn’t go much better. I relapsed into my depression and for a few days, it was kicking my ass, but I still got up every day. I still went to work. I still managed to take care of chores at the house. I still managed to keep going though I didn’t want to, and I felt like everyone would be better if I didn’t. I left my house every day even though all I felt mentally capable of doing was laying in my bed. I still managed to smile even if it was fake. I still managed to laugh even if it was forced, or in place of crying. I managed to merely survive despite wanting to give up on everything, and everyone, including myself. Rather than playing victim and letting depression, and its feelings win, I got up every day, and I survived. Sometimes just barely, but I still did.

I feel like a lot of people take the word ‘survive’ and expect it mean thrive. For the longest time, I believed this. I believed that if you were a survivor of something, then you had to be thriving as well. I learned that you can survive and still be learning how to thrive. Which is where I feel I am at. While I may have been starting to thrive in my life before this past week, I know that right now I am just surviving. Every morning that I wake up, I am a survivor. Each time I let a cut heal, I am a survivor. I am surviving depression. What I’m not doing is thriving in life and living like each day is the best day ever. I am aware that I must learn how to do that.

For starters, I am a financially struggling college student who is trying to find happiness in a job she doesn’t feel qualified for. While on the side, I am a patient of a cardiology and pulmonology department, who together are working to find a solution to the list of health complication I am experiencing. That alone, causes the simple act of waking up and getting out the door every day a victory in itself. When I make it through a month and can pay rent without being negative in my account, I feel like I have done quite well. Sometimes, I am physically thriving while struggling to mentally thrive.  You can keep your appearance together while the inside looks like a bomb just went off. Thriving in both areas of your life requires a lot of work, and believe it or not, I am trying!

It may take a while to feel like I am thriving in life, but I refuse to be labeled a victim when I still get my ass up every day and take care of the things that need to be done. Some days you win some, and some days you lose some.

Being a survivor is okay. While being a thriver (don’t mind me just making up words) would be great, that comes with time and effort. You don’t go from being a victim of a traumatic experience in your life to being a survivor and thriving in every aspect. You become a survivor the moment you decide to keep going despite what tried to hold you back. While you take each step in a life of being a survivor, you will eventually learn to become a thriver. It’s okay if that takes a while to figure out. I certainly have a long road ahead of me, but that does not mean I am a victim of my depression. 

[foundedinchrist]

Why I Have Anxiety in Relationships.

I’m not sure if this will help or not, but I think it’s something I need to write about. I am feared making this blog, and I have put it off for many reasons, but I think it’s time. It’s time I write it, so here it goes. 

July 13th, 2014. I said yes to a man I thought had what it takes to make me happy. He made promises I thought would be kept. He was so far from what I wanted, but I told myself he was everything I needed. It was a summer of new opportunities and I was excited to see what adventures I would find myself on. My best friend had a boyfriend and now I did too, and I felt like it was going to be perfect. Little did I know that I was getting myself into the most painful relationship of my life, emotionally and physically. 

We had been talking for two weeks when I agreed to be his girlfriend. A few weeks later, I found myself single. I should have noticed it then, but I looked right past it. We broke up the end of August, and by the middle of September we were back together again. This time, I felt obligated to tell him I loved him. I was having Open Heart Surgery and I wasn’t sure if I would see him again. He wasn’t coming to the hospital and he wasn’t going to be visiting me while I was in the hospital. I regret telling him I loved him. He felt that since now I loved him, I was entitled to do certain things. It was now my job to love him, and I had to love him to his expectations or else I wasn’t good enough. We spent the next few months arguing. Each argument became worse and worse. The words became more and more painful. The insults went from “I’m not a good girlfriend” or “You love your (friends, phone, facebook) more than me” to “You suck at being a girlfriend.” “you need to love me better” “You’ll never be good enough” “You have to (kiss me, hold my hand, hug me, cuddle me, sleep with me) because you’re my girlfriend.” This was just the start of the insults towards me. I felt as if I deserved each and every one of those comments and I would tear myself down even more, and he would get pleasure from seeing me hurt so bad. Those comments were said behind closed door, or over the phone. Everyone still believed he was a decent man. Until the night of my 20th birthday.

We were staying at the beach for my birthday and from the second we arrived, he was complaining about everything. We started drinking, but with me being only 3 months post open heart surgery, I limited myself greatly. It was a few minds before midnight. Before my actual birthday. Him and I were sharing a bed and we were both laying in it talking with everyone else. He moved his hand to my vagina (in front of everyone) and i went to move it. “I’m your boyfriend” he whispered to me. That meant that I had to let him, because “i’m his girlfriend.” I knew he was intoxicated and if I argued it would bring attention. All night, he touched me. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t say anything because “he’s my boyfriend and I’m his girlfriend. It’s my job.” The next day I woke up sick. We all tossed it to being hungover, but I knew why I was sick. I had spent the night with a hand in my pants and I was so extremely uncomfortable it made me sick. Literally sick. It wasn’t like he would even do much. He just needed his hand there because he was my boyfriend and I was his property. I belonged to him and so did my body. The whole day we argued. We argued because I didn’t want him touching me. I kept saying it was too hot out (it really was, we live in Florida and we were outside in the sun) and he kept becoming angrier. Finally, he decided to go inside. I knew exactly what this meant. This meant that for the next 3 or 4 hours, I would be getting hate texts about how I’m not good enough and how I need to be a better girlfriend, and by better girlfriend he means, I need to touch him more and let him sexually touch me more. Once we ended our beach day, we went up to the hotel room and we decided to go out to dinner. I had a million hate texts on my phone and I knew if I didn’t respond to them, it was only going to get worse. We got ready and I began to respond to each one, even though he was standing right next to me. At this point, it was my two best friend and I, him and we were meeting up with another friend. All the way to dinner I got bashed through texts about how fucked up I was. He demanded me to tell him why I was fucked up. He knew I was bisexual and he demanded me to choose between being straight or being a lesbian. He demanded that I tell him why I was a fucked up girlfriend who didn’t know how to love. I was biting my tounge. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Hold it together. You deserve this hate. Don’t cry” is what I kept repeating in my head. We finally got to the restaurant. The texts kept coming. His main focus was making me decide between being straight, and having sex with him to prove it, or being a lesbian and leaving him. I didn’t feel like I needed to chose between one or the other. I was interested in both genders. I am Bi.I told him I wasn’t having sex with him. He labeled me a lesbian and left me over text, sitting next to me, at the dinner table with three other friends who had no idea what just happened between us. I got up, and went to the bathroom. My best friend knew something was wrong. Before the bathroom door could close behind me, I was bawling. Fast forward to after dinner a few hours, we went to the boardwalk at the beach. He left us alone for the most part except for the constant text messages that hadn’t stopped in the last 6 hours, until we were getting ready to leave. He met back up with us. Now, remind you, I am only 3 months post op, and I am not fully recovered. My chest wasn’t even fully closed yet. I tripped. I tripped down cement stairs, and thank God, my friend caught me before busting my chest open and having me sent for emergency surgery. His response to my fall? “Fall on your face you bitch” to which my friend reminded him that I would have died and he cameback with an “Good, I don’t care.” The rest of the night was spent trying to be cheered up by my friends, but being harassed by him and being told it was my job to love him. When no one was looking, he would say “I’m your boyfriend” meaning it was my job to love him, it was my job to touch him, and it was my job to sleep with him. 

Fast forward a few months, we were back together because for some reason he managed to keep such control on me that I could never really get away from him. It was late one night, and we were in my bed. I had twin 5 yr olds in my room sleeping on the floor. Him and I had been talking about some serious stuff and I should have known better. He started kissing me. For once, I was kind of feeling a kiss and I was okay with it. Then, I wanted to stop. I was ready for bed. He was not. He grabbed my face and he forced me to keep kissing him. This continued until I pushed him so hard, he had to let go. He grabbed my hands. He’s a man who is much stronger than me. I had no control. He went for my shorts and I warned him I was on my period and I had a pad on. This did not stop him. For the first time, instead of just touching me and leaving his hand there, he proceeded to move my body and tangle himself up in me. He took my shorts off. I begged  him to not take my underwear off. I pleaded and pleaded. He took his shorts off, and I became really scared. For the next 30 minuets, he held me down and proceeded to foreplay with me. Except he was the only one playing. Anything I did, was forcefully done by him. I could feel his penis and I was trying so hard to get away. All I could think of was “Will God still love me in the morning if he takes my virginity tonight?” I was afraid that I would never be the christian I was after that night. I fought and fought but it was no use. He was ontop of me and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. i kept crying. Crying that I didn’t want the kids to wake up to us. Crying that I wasn’t ready. Crying because it hurt. Physically and emotionally. Crying because I wanted him to stop. “I’m your boyfriend. You have to let me” and so I just laid there and cried. Right before he would go all the way, he would laugh. He would laugh and pull me over on top of him ,and make me kiss him. Perhaps cause this was due to the fact that I was always crying loudly and at times I would be in so much pain, I’d scream. This happened several nights. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I left him. I told his family what he did, and I refused to go anywhere near his house. 

Now, that’s only the bad things he did to me. Through out our relationship, he would always touch me sexually and tell me it I had to be okay with it because i was his girlfriend. I could never drive with both hands because he always had one. I could never walk with my friends cause I always had to be by him and him only. I was forced to drive him anywhere and everywhere. He would use multiple excuses to guilt trip me. He tore me down so much that I just let him. I let him control me. He would slap my hand if I told him no or if I said anything he didn’t like or agree with. He would push me if I was walking too far from him, and then he would pull me in and refuse to let go of me. He would squeeze me until I bruised if I made him mad during an argument in person. He would hold me down in bed if I was sleeping with my face away from him. He would poke me really hard if I didn’t look at him enough while we were driving, and no matter what were doing, where we were, or what time it was, he would stare at me. 

Saying yes to him changed my life forever and it wasn’t for the better. I fear so many things and so many things are triggers for me now. When people poke me, when people look at my for longer than 30 seconds, when anyone touches me anywhere near an area that isn’t meant for touching in public, if anyone pushes me, or squeezes me too tight. i have so may triggers that I live with everyday and I wonder if it will ever get better. i wonder if I will ever be okay from that again. i have yet to get in bed with anyone else since that relationship, and I refuse to let anyone in my bed again until we are married. 

People question why my selfesteem is so low, and it’s because I was abused until i had nothing left of me. 

[foundedinchrist]

What if I Gave Everything?

I attended a Good Friday service that I honestly didn’t really care for. I have been to some impactful services and that just wasn’t one of them. However, something was said at the end of the service that really hit me. It made me take a moment and compare it to my life and it put things in a different perspective for me.

“We have to get through the darkness of Friday to reach the light of Sunday”

I feel like I have been going through the darkness of Friday for a few months now. Every day I wake up, and I question what the point of the day is. It feels as if every day is just another day wasted. While I am accomplishing things in life, and in each day, I am lacking the things I really want. I am lacking the comprehension of the struggle that God is guiding me through. As Jesus was hung on the cross, He cried “My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) It was in this moment, Jesus felt far from God. On the darkest of days, when Jesus needed His father the most, He felt so far from Him. It is on my darkest days that I too, feel so far from God. I sit in my car, at my desk, or in my bed and I cry, and I question the faithfulness of God. I question His ability to see me through this dark time. I don’t question God. I don’t question my faith in God. I have witnessed too much in this life to question if there is a God. But, I do question His love for me, and I question His plans for me. I question the nearness of Him, and I question His promises. It is promised that God will finish what He started, and it is that I find myself doubting.

Why do I doubt the Man that has been so faithful to me? Why do I question the plans of a Man who brought me this far? Why do I feel so far from the One who woke me up today? How is it, that I have spent the last four years walking in a journey of faith, and yet I am feeling so hopeless and abandoned? When will the darkness of my Friday end, and bring the light of Sunday?

“And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, He will certainly save us from God’s condemnation” (Romans 5:9)

Despite my questioning, my doubting, and my lack of trust in God’s plan, I know He still looks down on me with the same face of love that He created me with. I can find scripture to prove to me that God loves me, God has a plan, God is faithful, and that God is a God who is capable of all things. I can find scripture that tells me who holds tomorrow, and that I shall not fear for God is near. This broken child of God’s can open His book and can find the perfect advice. There was a time, I had just started to walk with God, that I would only go to the bible for advice. I relied on the bible more than I relied on the people around me. I relied on worship and prayer to bring me peace. There was a time that I relied on God. Who do I rely on now? Me. I rely on myself. I rely on myself though I feel I am worthless, and I am not capable of achieving much in life. I rely on myself though all I see in the mirror are lies. I rely on the broken parts of me, to find healing and peace. That logic makes no sense, and it makes no sense because it is my logic.

This morning we remember the d ay that Jesus rose from the dead. We celebrate the victory that takes place. Easter hasn’t always been my favorite holiday. I didn’t know why we celebrated Easter until I was 18. That first Easter as a Christian changed so much for me. Easter had become my favorite holiday. It is the story of Easter that we tell, that causes me to love this holiday so much. It is sharing the story of how Jesus died on a cross, and rose three days later. The sacrifice that was made for people who were undeserving. If you sit and think about the reason we celebrate Easter, you’ll realize that Easter is the reason we even have a faith.

“Living He loved me, Dying He saved me, and buried He carried my sins far away. Rising He justified freely forever. One day He’s coming, oh glorious day”

We often become so caught up in the struggles of life, we forget that one day He’s coming. We look around and we see a broken world and we question and we doubt. We live with people who believe that if God existed, then this world would be perfect, but that’s not what Jesus told us. In John 16:33 Jesus says “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart because I have overcome the world.” So, why do we allow ourselves to become so focused on the struggle?

I’ll admit, I am a person who should take her own advice sometimes. If we just stepped back and remembered who is with us, and what He has blessed us with, our struggles would seem so small. If there is a day where we step away from our struggles and just hand them to God, and enjoy the things He has done for us, it is Easter day. He sent His son to die for us, and He rose Him from the dead so we could live a life full of love and forgiveness.

 Happy Easter everyone! <3

P.S. I learned this morning “impactful” is not a word, but I do not care. I also named this blog after a song that is stuck in my head. Pretty sure it has nothing to do with the blog but it’s a casting crowns song and they’re my favorite soooo, yeah!

[foundedinchrist]

Healing Begins

Four years, that equal to 48 Months, or 208 Weeks. It is equal to 1,460 Days, and if you go back four years ago, you go back to the beginning of my walk of faith, you go back to January 29th, 2013. This is my fourth blog about my walk of faith. Each year, I sit down and write about how my faith had changed the past year, what I learned, and the ways that I grew from both those things, and it typically ends up being inspiring, for myself at least. I’ll also title the blog after a song that I feel connects to the past year. I write these blogs for the reason being that I enjoy going back and seeing where my faith has taken me and the battles I have overcome. I sit here, struggling to find an inspiring way to write that this year, I learned that God and I have a lot in common, we are both stubborn. As God taught me that He was indeed more stubborn than I, He also taught me that it’s okay to not be okay, asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, and that when everything seems to fall on you at once, He’ll be the hand to pull you out, regardless of the tantrum you threw because He didn’t let you have your way.

              “When God shows you it’s time to let go of someone, and you refuse, He will allow that person to hurt you until you have no choice.”

I remember the morning that I finally realized that I was not going to out-stubborn God, and it took about eight months of denial for me to accept His plan. I felt that I could find a way to make it work, and I could eventually go fix what was broken. I knew deep down, God was telling me time and time again to just let go, but I wanted to be stubborn and I tried living out a plan that wasn’t part of God’s. Like I said, I eventually learned that God beat me when it came to being stubborn. After long eight months of fighting with God, myself, and someone I cherished more than anyone in this life, I let go. Letting go was hard, and it was scary, and even though I fell into God’s plan, I still had pain hidden inside. I wanted to believe that since I fell into God’s plan, I’d be okay. So, I played a girl who was happy, fulling trusting God, and wanted everyone to believe that she didn’t hold a deep pain inside.I refused to even glance at the negatives in my life. I had doubts about God’s plan. I felt that if I made it seem like I was fine, He would agree to change the plan to mine. Yes, I was trying to outsmart the Guy who made this world, made me, and who knows the next step in my life before it is a thought in my mind. No, I was not using my noggin. I was using a selfish heart that forgot who it belonged to. I came to accept that I would not win this battle, and I surrendered. I gave my idea of life to Him, in exchange for His idea.

 I do not believe God’s idea for my life was pain, but pain has been a big part of my life this past year, and I do believe that God allowed me to have this pain because He knew where it would take me. Sometimes, obeying God and following His plan, comes with pain, and that’s okay. Without great pain in our lives, and without deep sadness, we’ll often take for granted the blessings that bring us peace and happiness. Coming to accept pain is a difficult task. Pain is something that normally has a negative look to it. It’s one of those things that people try to avoid because it seems easier than facing it. Pain is also one of those things, that when you find yourself feeling it, you find less people standing by you. Pain is like that cousin we don’t talk about, but except, we need to talk about it. Thankfully, pain is something that you can work through, and you can grow from it. Pain gives you the opportunity to go places that happiness may never touch. Before you go thinking I’m that cousin, hear me out. Pain took me out to dinner with someone who went to the same church and youth group as me, but was never a person I’d consider forming a friendship with. Her and I are now roommates and are resigning our lease in April for another year of adventures together. Pain lead me to writing a letter to no one, that ended up in the hands of someone. Someone that was my manager, but is now family to me. Pain placed me in front of a room full of grieving hearts, where I tearfully signed worship at a funeral for an amazing woman. Each one of those pains came from a different source. Each lead me to a place where happiness would have never thought of going. Sometimes we need to walk with sadness, so that we can love happiness. You know when God says He’ll turn the broken into beautiful? Pain, sadness, tears, depression, insecurities, confusion, all of those fall under broken, and all those can lead to something beautiful.

When pain finds you in life, I do encourage you to accept it as a feeling, but understand it’s not a feeling that has to be felt alone. Personally, I felt like I had to get through the pain by myself. For the first eight months, I coped with the pain by hiding it and distracting myself, and while it’s great to look at the good in life, it’s unhealthy to ignore the negative emotions that trials in life bring. For the next two, almost three months, I allowed myself to feel the pain, but only when I was alone. This became very dangerous to my health. While everyone needs time to themselves, there are times when you need to be with people that support you. I had this idea in my mind that if I showed my pain, especially after all the time that had passed, that I would be labeled as weak. That idea came from the girl in the mirror. I’d look at myself crying, and just become disgusted with who I saw, and that started to affect my everyday life and that’s when God stepped in. I found myself writing a note to myself during a work conference. This note was not meant to be read by anymore, and therefore, I did not hide anything on it. I wrote everything I felt and everything I thought. Since I had it in my mind that this would not be read by anyone, there was no holding back. I wrote a note to myself explaining why I would like to just die. At the very moment I finished that note, God folded it up, picked up the pen, and wrote on another piece of paper, why I was handing this note to the person next to me. The person next to me was my manager. God handed her the notes, and I realized what had just happened. I panicked. God knew exactly what He was doing and even though I felt He was being a little crazy, He had a beautiful plan. That day, my life was changed. I met the person that I so desperately needed. I met someone that was going to guide me as God wanted her to, and support me, but encourage me to become my own person. With time, I began to get medical help. It started with medication, then I began counseling. From counseling, I started to take care of other issues such as my heart. I began caring about myself in ways that I didn’t think was included in caring for myself. I learned that seeking help does not make you weak, and instead it makes you stronger. It helps you get through trials better, and it helps alleviate the feeling of loneliness and confusion. When you ask God for help, He is going to guide you to the people that He has prepared to help you. Once I accepted that, I started to grow in ways I never knew was possible. The girl in the mirror started to look different. She began to look like a somebody, instead of feeling like a nobody.

We are all going to have our moments of weakness. We will go through times where we feel as if God is walking right beside us, and we will go through times when it seems that God is nowhere near us. While I am no bible expert, I am no pastor, and I don’t have a degree in faith, I do have experiences. I have experienced both of those feelings, and it has taken me four years to figure this out. When we feel like God is walking right beside us, we need to use that time to learn as much as we can. Grow in your faith, and read scriptures you’ve never read before. When we know that God is walking right beside us, we need to use that time to grow as much as we can, in faith and as a christian individual. When we run into trials, and moments where we feel like God is no longer next to us, we need to use our faith. If we always feel like God is right next to us, when would we be able to practice our faith? As children, our parents were always close by, and we took that time to learn as much as we could. They would teach us things and we would ask questions about things we were unsure of. Our parents did their best to teach us all that we would need to know, so that when we went out on our own, we would be able to thrive as an individual. It’s the same idea with God. He never actually leaves our side, but we will leave His. We will run into problems and that is when God watches us. He watches to see how much we rely on our faith. Hebrews 11:1 reads “Faith is the confidence in what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” That is one of the first bible verses I ever memorized. I came to learn Corinthians 5:7 “For we walk by faith, not by sight,” when I entered a time in my life, where I was doing things I had never done before. In the same sense that we will use a flashlight to help us get through darkness, we must use our faith to get through the unknown. Our faith is the light that is going to lead us through those dark times. God is always going to be there with you, He will be walking right beside you, but He may just remain quiet so that He can see how you use your faith.

This past year taught me a lot of things that I needed to learn to be able to begin my path of healing. Without the pain in my life, I would have never found myself where I am now. The pain I felt was my guide. God knew where I needed to be, and He knew that by experiencing different pains in my life, I would end up exactly where He wants me. “When you come to where you’re broken within, the light meets the dark.” This is where the healing begins.

Now to see where chapter five in my story of faith takes us!

[foundedinchrist]

Now What?

On the first night I met you, you asked me a question after I had told you a little bit of my story. You asked me “Now what? ” and you said you felt like I was at a point that I could answer that question. I believe my answer to you was something along the lines of find a counselor and cardiologist, and something about I can do better than Josh. Well, looks like I took care of that. I’m pretty sure at the time of that answer, I doubted my ability to do those things, but somehow I achieved those things.

That’s not the only time you’ve asked me that question. The second time you asked me was after I withdrew from all my classes after being reported for self harm. My answer to you at that point was something like, find a new counselor and get meds to help with my depression. You always make me come up with a plan, and when I tell you these plans I have so much doubt in myself and my ability to achieve those plans. Somehow, I achieved those plans, and I’m now going back to school with faded scars that have healed, on my arm. I have a counselor that I trust completely and I feel safe when I’m in his office talking to him. I’m on meds that I believe have slowly started working. I’ve even taken a step in taking care of my chest pains and I’m in the process of being approved for a cardiologist. I’ve come far in areas that I doubted I’d be able to even take a step in. I believe it has a lot to do with you requiring me to think about what I’m going to do about the situation I find myself in.

By achieving those small tasks, I have begun to feel a sense of worth in myself. I realized that if I really thought I was completely worthless, I wouldn’t go through all the trouble to take care of myself in the ways I have the last few months. So somewhere inside, I feel that I'm worth enough to take care of myself in these ways. I laid in bed last night, wondering what exactly I am doing, you could say that I was asking myself "Now what?" and I think I've answered that question for a third time. I have realized that I was able to achieve those prior plans because I had both you and mom, by my side encouraging me. You both were there when I was scared, I had doubts, wasn't sure I could do it. You continue to stay by my side through the struggles I still face. I realize that without your love and support, I wouldn't have been able to make it to where I am right now. You've put a new definition of family in my mind and therefore, I now have something that I want to continue to live for, but even more so, I have people that make me want to become a better person. So, since I am at another point of my life, I guess I need to come up with a new plan. Since this is my second time typing this, I will say that these plans/goals of mine were not something I sat down and said I'd do. They were what I typed while I had been writing to you. I do however, like these plans. As you know, a lot of my anxiety and depression come from losing my best friend, and this is a plan of mine that I am terrified of attempting to achieve. I know that with the help of counseling, it'll be less scary, but I want to come to peace with what happened and with how things are. I would like to get to a point where I can go out and not fear running into her. I know I'll struggle with this. I know this will be one of the hardest things I do. When I start to struggle and doubt my ability to do this, I want you to remind me of everything I have and things I've got to do this past year of knowing you, because I wouldn't have been able to have what I do now, if she was still in my life. Remind me that I use to be scared to tell her that I was going to hang out with certain people or that I was going to do something that didn't involve her. I use to fear telling her no. I know that getting over the break up is possible. I know I can do it. I just need support. The next would be school. I've gone back and that's a huge step that I wasn't sure I'd be able to do. I have decided to explore my interests to attempt to find my passion. I don't know how long it will take me to find the degree that I want. I already feel behind and I know this is going to stress me out. My family expects me to be completely done with school by the time I'm 25. That's in three years. Please remind me that I do not need to have my entire life figured out and put together by the time I'm 25. I'm insecure when it comes to my intelligence and my ability to pass classes. I stress about failing them way more than I should even though I have yet to fail a college class. I really don't know what's going to help me remember that it's okay, but I know my family is going to put a lot of pressure on me. I guess I just need to know how family is suppose to support their college student. Don't let me give up. I know I'm capable but I'm going to doubt the shit out of myself. Lastly, I want to get to a place where I know that I am worth it and that I can defend my boundaries without feeling bad for it or feeling like I need to explain myself. As I said above, I know that I believe that I am worth something by the way I take care of myself medically. I've recently learned that I think I'm worth more than being taken advantage of. I know that I am worth the wait and that someone is going to agree with me one day. I know that I'm going to meet someone some day that isn't going to make me feel like I need to change parts of myself or compromise on aspects of my beliefs and personality. I know I can trust someone and I can meet people and make friends. But it's going to be terrifying. That's when I want you to remind me that one time I had an awesome group in speech class and they all supported me for exactly who I was and never made me feel like I had to change myself. I don't know why you. I don't know why I felt like this had to be said to you. But I will say, that the night I met you, I doubted if I'd ever call you dad. Now, i want to make sure that you know I love you, Dad. Growing up, I was a huge daddy's girl. I loved him so much. I feared ever losing him. I knew that there wasn't a damn thing in this world that I could do to change the love he had for me. Maybe that's why I felt like telling you this. In some ways, you remind me of my dad. Some nights when I'm fidgety at your house and I don't say much, it's cause I think back to times I had with my dad. I have a love for you that took me a long time to figure out. I realized, that I love you in a way that I use to love my dad, and I thank God that he put you in my life because I don't know how much longer the man that looks like my dad, has left, and that breaks me. But, I know that when he goes to join his parents, I'll be able to go to you for comfort. I love you. Thank you for always making me think of where to go next.

[foundedinchrist]

Forgive and Forget

You’ve probably heard the saying “Forgive but never forget” and most of you probably agree with that statement. For a while, you could say that I agreed with that statement with most things. However, I quickly learned that if you forgive but don’t forget, that you’re not really forgiving the person the way Christ has forgiven you. See, when God sent Jesus to die for us, we were sinners, and by His death, we were forgiven. That long list of wrongs we’ve done and mistakes we’ve made and will make, was taken and thrown away. God never refers back to our past mistakes, even when those mistakes hurt Him. He forgives us and loves us as though we’ve never sinned. When God tells us to forgive those who have wronged us and hurt us, He is saying that we need to forgive them the way the He forgives us. That means, we need to forgive and forget.

   Often times, when people have done us wrong in some way, we end up growing from it and it shapes us in some way. God knew when that person hurt us, that we were gonna grow some way from it. When we forgive and forget, we need to remember who we are, and who we are is a result of the places God has lead us to. If the hurt someone caused you taught you a lesson then you need to remember that lesson, but forget how you learned it. If you sit there and you remember every thing that someone has done to you that hurt you, then you are missing out in the chance to think of all the ways that they help you. Oftentimes we are so caught up in the negative and hurt that we don’t allow ourselves to see the good that someone does in our lives. In which case it then begins to hurt us rather than the other person. Bitterness is a heavy burden, and we don’t notice it until we have let go of it.  

   Recently, I got to experience this for myself and it wasn’t a decision that was easily made on my own however, once I made it with God, I didn’t think twice about it. A few weeks ago, I crossed paths with a person who I held a great amount of bitterness toward and my actions in that moment clearly showed it. I noticed this person right after a sermon that talked about letting go of bitterness and really forgiving those who hurt us, but yet here I was all angry and I wasn’t gonna be afraid to show that. Thankfully, I quickly noticed that my actions we not okay and I went and had a long talk with God. That’s when God called me to forgive and forget. Once it was clear that this was what God had called me to do, I didn’t think twice about it and I didn’t have any uneasy feeling with it. The following week, I approached this person and we ended up having a very nice day together. Throughout the next week, we kept in contact and when we spoke with each other it was very peaceful. I also realized that I felt so much happier and I felt like I could do anything. God had flooded me with this inspiration to do many different things. I look at myself now and I realize how heavy a burden the bitterness was and how desperately I needed to let it go; and with God’s help and guidance, I was able to do that. 

   I forgave a person that had hurt me in the past, but I also choose that what happened between us was in the past and it no longer applies to today. However, I learned a lot from the things that happened and I remember how it allowed me to grow and I hold onto the person it shaped me into. I hold onto that positive affect it had on me and I let go of the negative. Forgiving and forgetting allowed me to feel at peace and I never knew how much I longed for this feeling until I felt it for myself. So, I encourage all of you to ask yourself if there is someone in your life that you need to forgive and forget the wrongs that were done. I then encourage you to ask God to help you with doing that, and spend some time in prayer about it. You may not think so, but that bitterness is holding you back from so much. I know this because once I let go of the bitterness, I felt peace and happiness and with that, I was able to focus my heart and mind on God and glorifying Him. This blog is a result of letting go of bitterness. 

  Bitterness hardens your heart and it blocks you from amazing opportunities. You may not believe it right now, but I speak from personal experience when I say that its a burden that you don’ want to have. Letting go may not be easy, but it’s made possible with God. Once you let go, you can decide if you want to confront that person and let God guide you. Trust God with all of it, and you can guarantee that good things will come from it. God creates your life with the best intended for you. Bitterness is not what He has called us to keep. 

   Mark 11:25 “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins too”

[foundedinchrist]

You Can Have Me.

January 29th, 2016. It has now been three years since I’ve been saved. Three years since I first felt God wrap his heavenly arms around me and tell me he loves me, three years since I first believed in my heart that Jesus died on the cross for my sin, and three years since I accepted Him as my savior. At the time of being saved, I didn’t know much about Christianity or the stories in the bible, but I knew God loved me and I knew I had been saved. I have been learning since then, I have been going through life with God, but this year, I realized that my life wasn’t truly given to God. God saw that my trust in Him was weak and that my faith wasn’t going to get better without a huge life change. This year, I lost a friendship I never thought I’d loose, started a job I never imagined having, and I started college.  

               “If I have to choose between her and God, I’d choose God.” Those were my words right before my life took a 360 turn, and at the time, I didn’t have much faith that I would actually choose God. She had been my friend for twelve years and I didn’t believe that God would take her out of my life, and I surely didn’t think that by doing so, my life would change so much. This was something God had been working on and preparing for, for quite some time. He loves me so much, that He knew the pain I was about to endure, and He wanted to make sure, I had everything I could possibly need to get through it. “You and I will never be close again.” No words had ever brought more pain than those words. It was a night that I questioned if I’d get through, but God was ready. I cired out to God that night and I didn’t understand why He was doing what He was. I called my best friend and he sat on the phone with me til 3 in the morning. He didn’t hang up until I had fallen asleep and then he was there for me when I woke up. He suggested I stay with him for a while, so I did. He held me as I cried, prayed for me when I felt like I was speechless, and listened to me when I needed to talk. He reminded me that I was loved, and that people did care about me, and that it was going to be okay. I know that God was looking out for me by giving me him and by allowing him to be there for me through that tough time. God knew that he was exactly what I needed. Time went on and the pain got easier to bare, and I was able to go back to my house and start my life over again, or so that’s what it felt like. Looking back now, I see how the relationship with her was affecting my faith. I choose God that night, and in return, He blessed me more than I could ever imagine. I am living a life I didn’t think was possible, with a perspective on life I didn’t think was possible to have. It was really tough but God saw me through it and He provided for me and gave me strength. He not only was there for me, but He gave me friends that He knew could do the job right. God was literally taking care of me, long before I knew this was going to happen.

               At the same time as that happened, I was offered a job for a Christian financial company. They needed someone to work in their commissions department, and they also just so happen to need someone to work in a department called planned giving. My best friend and I went for an interview, and we got the job. It took us a while to start, and going into this job, I didn’t know what to expect. All my life, I had been a nanny, being with kids was all I ever knew, and here I was going into an office job for a financial company. God really had some serious faith in me, and I started having some serious faith in Him. This job started out okay, and then for a short time, I hated it, and I wondered why God called me there. I didn’t feel like I was good enough for the job and that I shouldn’t be working there. I cried to God yet again and asked for His guidance and He responded with my manager leaving to go to a new job and me gaining more responsibility at work. I now am always working and even though it can get crazy at times, I really enjoy it. I know what I am doing and it makes me feel good when I get my job done. This job was a true blessing from God, that’s the only way I can describe it.

               Since starting that job, I decided to attend Valencia College and work on getting my degree in business administration. I had so many fears and questions when it came to college and it took me a while to start. As of the beginning of this month, I have started my first semester and so far, it’s not bad. I like my teachers, and I am slowly adjusting the surroundings. Making friends is a small challenge for me, but I really don’t look at it as a bad thing. I am excited to see how God works through school and what blessings come from it, where I will go, and how things turn out in the future. I know God is walking with me every step of the way and for once, I really just give the trials and stress to God. Any negative feeling that came with school, was given to God and I trust He will take care of it for me. He is a God of love and He has definitely proved that to me this past year.

               Out of the three years that I have been saved, this is my first year that I really just gave my life over to God. I remember that night I gave something over to God that I normally would want control over. I was sitting on my couch and I was thinking of how I was going to handle the situation I was in, and my response was, give it to God. I was shocked by my own mind, but I did what I felt was right. While going through this situation, there were times when I quickly had to ask God what to do or say, and God quickly answered and He walked me through it. From giving this situation over to God completely and seeing how He really did take care of it, and is still currently taking care of it, I was able to trust God with more. I now pray quite often and I have a stronger faith and trust in God. I really do believe that God has it all taken care of. I never imagined that I would live such a happy and peaceful life, but I do, and its because I have a God that loves me. I have a faith that grew so much this year and I put my trust in God.

               I still run into trials here and there, and I run into some pain but when that happens, I pray and I ask God for help, and He hears me, He listens to me and He is there for me. I have gone to Him for advice on things, and I questioned how He would let me know what His thoughts were, and every time, He finds a way to speak to me. He never fails and He never leaves us. I have never been closer to God than I am today, and because of that, I can feel a peace that I have never felt before. I can’t wait to see what happens this year!

[foundedinchrist]

You Can Have Me.

January 29th, 2016. It has now been three years since I’ve been saved. Three years since I first felt God wrap his heavenly arms around me and tell me he loves me, three years since I first believed in my heart that Jesus died on the cross for my sin, and three years since I accepted Him as my savior. At the time of being saved, I didn’t know much about Christianity or the stories in the bible, but I knew God loved me and I knew I had been saved. I have been learning since then, I have been going through life with God, but this year, I realized that my life wasn’t truly given to God. God saw that my trust in Him was weak and that my faith wasn’t going to get better without a huge life change. This year, I lost a friendship I never thought I’d loose, started a job I never imagined having, and I started college.  

               “If I have to choose between her and God, I’d choose God.” Those were my words right before my life took a 360 turn, and at the time, I didn’t have much faith that I would actually choose God. She had been my friend for twelve years and I didn’t believe that God would take her out of my life, and I surely didn’t think that by doing so, my life would change so much. This was something God had been working on and preparing for, for quite some time. He loves me so much, that He knew the pain I was about to endure, and He wanted to make sure, I had everything I could possibly need to get through it. “You and I will never be close again.” No words had ever brought more pain than those words. It was a night that I questioned if I’d get through, but God was ready. I cired out to God that night and I didn’t understand why He was doing what He was. I called my best friend and he sat on the phone with me til 3 in the morning. He didn’t hang up until I had fallen asleep and then he was there for me when I woke up. He suggested I stay with him for a while, so I did. He held me as I cried, prayed for me when I felt like I was speechless, and listened to me when I needed to talk. He reminded me that I was loved, and that people did care about me, and that it was going to be okay. I know that God was looking out for me by giving me him and by allowing him to be there for me through that tough time. God knew that he was exactly what I needed. Time went on and the pain got easier to bare, and I was able to go back to my house and start my life over again, or so that’s what it felt like. Looking back now, I see how the relationship with her was affecting my faith. I choose God that night, and in return, He blessed me more than I could ever imagine. I am living a life I didn’t think was possible, with a perspective on life I didn’t think was possible to have. It was really tough but God saw me through it and He provided for me and gave me strength. He not only was there for me, but He gave me friends that He knew could do the job right. God was literally taking care of me, long before I knew this was going to happen.

               At the same time as that happened, I was offered a job for a Christian financial company. They needed someone to work in their commissions department, and they also just so happen to need someone to work in a department called planned giving. My best friend and I went for an interview, and we got the job. It took us a while to start, and going into this job, I didn’t know what to expect. All my life, I had been a nanny, being with kids was all I ever knew, and here I was going into an office job for a financial company. God really had some serious faith in me, and I started having some serious faith in Him. This job started out okay, and then for a short time, I hated it, and I wondered why God called me there. I didn’t feel like I was good enough for the job and that I shouldn’t be working there. I cried to God yet again and asked for His guidance and He responded with my manager leaving to go to a new job and me gaining more responsibility at work. I now am always working and even though it can get crazy at times, I really enjoy it. I know what I am doing and it makes me feel good when I get my job done. This job was a true blessing from God, that’s the only way I can describe it.

               Since starting that job, I decided to attend Valencia College and work on getting my degree in business administration. I had so many fears and questions when it came to college and it took me a while to start. As of the beginning of this month, I have started my first semester and so far, it’s not bad. I like my teachers, and I am slowly adjusting the surroundings. Making friends is a small challenge for me, but I really don’t look at it as a bad thing. I am excited to see how God works through school and what blessings come from it, where I will go, and how things turn out in the future. I know God is walking with me every step of the way and for once, I really just give the trials and stress to God. Any negative feeling that came with school, was given to God and I trust He will take care of it for me. He is a God of love and He has definitely proved that to me this past year.

               Out of the three years that I have been saved, this is my first year that I really just gave my life over to God. I remember that night I gave something over to God that I normally would want control over. I was sitting on my couch and I was thinking of how I was going to handle the situation I was in, and my response was, give it to God. I was shocked by my own mind, but I did what I felt was right. While going through this situation, there were times when I quickly had to ask God what to do or say, and God quickly answered and He walked me through it. From giving this situation over to God completely and seeing how He really did take care of it, and is still currently taking care of it, I was able to trust God with more. I now pray quite often and I have a stronger faith and trust in God. I really do believe that God has it all taken care of. I never imagined that I would live such a happy and peaceful life, but I do, and its because I have a God that loves me. I have a faith that grew so much this year and I put my trust in God.

               I still run into trials here and there, and I run into some pain but when that happens, I pray and I ask God for help, and He hears me, He listens to me and He is there for me. I have gone to Him for advice on things, and I questioned how He would let me know what His thoughts were, and every time, He finds a way to speak to me. He never fails and He never leaves us. I have never been closer to God than I am today, and because of that, I can feel a peace that I have never felt before. I can’t wait to see what happens this year!

[foundedinchrist]

His unconditional love

I use to think that I needed to be with someone to be unconditionally loved. Then, I realized that true unconditional love does not exist on this earth. You can not be unconditionally loved by a person on this earth. This realization came through God. God used people in my life to show me, that His love was the only true unconditional love. During a break up, I had allowed myself to believe that I wasn't worthy of anyone's love or time. I allowed myself to believe that I'd never find happiness. This affected me a lot. Thankfully God had put people in my life that really did care about me, and He used them at a time I did not expect Him to. He used these people in my life, to spread not only His word, His promises, but His love. I was overwhelmed by the power of God. It amazed me that I could go from feeling so broken and worn down, to feeling so refreshed and full of God, but that's just what His grace does. He never failed to provide assurance. While I thought I was lost and alone, He assured me He was right beside me. He was not only right beside me, but He made sure that my brothers and sisters in Christ were right beside me too. For the longest time, I always looked ahead. I looked forward to my future. I was always thinking about what's next, instead of taking in, where I am. However, there comes a time in life, when you look around and realize what you have at the moment is all you need. Truthfully, all we need is God. The rest is just a gift from Him. I was blessed with a group of friends in my life. I have many people I consider my friends, but these certain group of people really help me see God's perspective on thing. They not only help me through tough times, but they help me keep my eyes focused on God during these tough times. It's been such a nice feeling to be able to say I'm content with life because I have God and I have people in my life that help me grow closer to God. Since meeting these people and building friendships with them, I have learned a lot. I have been shown a new perspective on many aspect of life. One aspect of my life that I've been shown a new perspective on, is dating. The one thing I thought I needed to do the most. Turns out, that's the last thing I need to be worried about. God has a great plan for me, and right now, His plan is for me to be alone. God knew that being in a relationship was a huge distraction for me. Right now, I need God the most. He has to be my main focus and He knew that. God is working in my life everyday and He is using His children to remind me and show me that He does have a plan. Being single is okay because this give me a chance to really allow God to live through me and use me in ways that I may not be able to be used if I were in a relationship. Truth be told, there is no love like God's love. I have been so worn down by accepting love that wasn't right for me, and now God is giving me the chance to be rebuilt with His love and be refilled with His love. The enemy will try to make me believe that I need more than God's love, but the truth is He is all I need. All I could ever possibly want and need is in Him. As long as I keep my focus on God, I will never feel like I need more. God will always provide exactly what I need exactly when I need it. I use to not see God's plan or His love. I use to not understand His grace and mercy, but now I do. All thanks to people in my life that God is using. I am so so thankful for God and His unfailing and unconditional love.

[foundedinchrist]

It's Not Too Late

Becoming saved was one of the greatest feelings ever. It was a feeling I had never felt before, and it was a feeling I soon began to crave. I was saved Janurary 29th, 2013, and by April 2013, I realized a few things.

1. Not everyone is going to accept who you've become

2. Life is not going to be perfect from here on out

3. You will doubt. You will fear. You will fail.

4. You will wonder what happened to the person you were when you became saved.

 Faith. It is a journey, that I never expected to be on. I had this lovely image of faith when I became saved. An image of just love and happiness 24/7. That image was pretty much quickly ruined for me. I saw the truth and I broke. I became really lost, and I strayed from my faith, and from God. Once I graduated high school, I had figured God didn't love me, and that if He use to, then He really doesn't anymore. I gave up. Or so I thought I did.

It was hard for me to believe that I didn't have a faith. Something kept me hanging on to the very little faith I had. The little thing helping me hang on, was that feeling. The feeling I craved so much in janurary. I couldn't ignore the feeling I had once felt, but I struggled. A lot. To the point, where I took all my thought and emotions, and kept them to myself. The people I use to trust with them, were now people I would be quiet around. I didn't want them to see that I had failed God once again. I went through a very dark time. I thought I was going to lose everything I had. I really struggled.

I had my highs and lows. I would feel like I was doing better, and then I would fall again. This was a cycle for me, and it really messed me up. I didn't know what to do, or how to handle the things I was going through. It never occurred to me, to just give it to God. I prayed here and there about it, but I never truly trusted Him to see me through it. I struggled for a really long time with this. Then finally, I kinda gave up. I quit going to church, quit reading my bible, quit listening to Christian songs, but the biggest thing, I quit praying. I had hit rock bottom and had no motivation to get up. I knew God. I had the thought of Him in the back of my mind at all times. A few times, I would really think about my faith and Him, but I still couldn't find the motivation to get back up. So I struggled and I allowed myself to struggle. It wasn't until about October 2014 that my faith was brought up again.

 It was pretty late, and a friend had called me to ask if I could help him with some homework, and I agreed. We talked about his assignment for a little bit, and then started talking about other things. I knew he was a Christian and I knew his relationship with God was a close one, however, it rally caught me by surprise when he asked me to tell him my testimony. I had only told one person my testimony, and here he was, asking me to tell him. I didn't think much about my testimony anymore, I really felt it wasn't good and that no one would care to know it, but he really wanted me to tell him, so I did. I began telling him my testimony, and I found myself almost in tears. Telling him, reminded me. It was like I forgot about the day I found God. That was the start of the next chapter of my faith.

Since that night, he has helped me pick myself back up. I now go to an amazing church, I do a daily reading in my bible, I keep up with a prayer journal, and for once, I am happy. I have talked to God about so many things, that I never even thought about going to Him with before. If God didn't use my friend that night, and many many many night since then, to remind me that He hasn't given up one me, He still loves me, and im stil His child, I don't know where I would be right now. I have come a long way since that night. I have picked myself back up, and I continue to walk this journey of faith. I continue to fall more and more in love with God. I continue to grow closer to Him with each day He blesses me with.

I have started a new book that my pastor suggested called "Lies woman believe: and the truth that sets them free" and it has helped me a lot. At first, I wasn't too sure about it. I would read the lies, and the truth, answer the questions, pray and go on, and I didn't really know if it was helping or not, until yesterday. I was spending time with God, and I decided to go back in my journal to when I wrote about the first few lies that I believed and I realized that I have broken the bondage that a lot of those lies had formed. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am actually making progress. It is such a great feeling to be able to see how God is working in your life.

I know, this is pretty long, but the main message I want to get across, is that, its never too late. There is nothing that you could ever do, that would make God love you any less than He does now. There is nothing you could possibly do, to make God not pour His forgivness and mercy on you. God loves you. That will never change. No matter how far you think you are from Him, its never too far. He has been by your side since He created you, and He will continue to be by your side til He calls you home. So do not ever think, that God doesn't love you, and that its too late to give yourself to Him, because it is never too late.

[foundedinchrist]

Jesus Saves.

January 29th, 2015. Two years since I sat on a living room floor and poured my heart out to God with tears streaming down my face. Two years since I felt the grace of God cover me and calm me down for the first time. Two years since I gave my heart to Christ. Two years since Jesus saved me. These past two years have been one heck of a journey. I never imagined that being a Christian would be such am emotional and, at times, hard thing. I'd be lying if I said I never had a moment of doubt. There's been times I yelled at God and said "If you actually loved me, this wouldn't be happening" but truth is, all my struggles happened because He loves me. He has loved me endlessly since even before I gave Him my heart, and there were times during these past two years, where I wasn't sure if He still loved me, but He heard my doubt and He proved He did. Being a Christian is nothing like I thought it would be. My first year had so many ups and downs and I thought that maybe God didn't love me and that this was just a waste of my time, but after many nights of searching for answers, He always made sure I knew He was there. Especially during this past year. This past year was very hard. I spent a lot of it being so angry at Him, but while I was angry at Him I was still asking Him for favors and wishes. I remember one specific night, that I was so mad at Him and kept asking "If you're suppose to love me, why does all these things happen?" But they happen so that I can become stronger in my faith. Everything that has happened with Carter was a huge test on my faith. It took a huge toll, especially when I thought we were losing him. Looking back on my posts to facebook, I could see how angry I was at Him and at the time, I didn't even realize it. It was during this time that the words, Jesus Saves, gave me a new meaning. Jesus does not only save you at the time of you stumbling back into His arms and loving Him for the first time. Jesus Saves you many times while lying with Him. While walking in faith next to Him. He saved Carter the night we thought it was over. He wrapped his arms around Him and told him that his precious life was not yet over. He saved me from giving up on my faith and walking away like I wanted to so many times this past year. He saved me while I laid on an operating table trusting my whole life in the hands of surgeons. He saved me by giving me a second chance. Through all of my struggles this past year, it has been Him who held me through it. It was Him who assured my doubt and calmed my fears. I know that there will be more times in my life, where He saves me. There will be many more times where I have fear and doubt and I'll be angry with Him, but I know it won't last. I know He will prove His love to me again. This next year will probably bring many more joys and sorrows. More arguments with God and more apologies to Him. It will come with more forgiveness since no one on this ear is perfect. We are all sinners, and we are all forgiven. I can't wait to see where He leads me this year, because He saw me through so much this past year!

[foundedinchrist]

Happy Mothers Day Mom <3

Every Mothers hope and dream is to have their bundle of joy born healthy and perfect, but I wasn't. The doctors told you, that I probably wouldn't even make it. They gave you the option to take the easy way out, but you chose to fight for me. You chose to not give up on me, and you made a decision that impacted everyone's life around us. I was born, and rushed away. I'm sure there were nights, you didn't think id make it, but you stuck by my side. You never just gave up. You got to bring your baby girl home, but life with me, has never been easy. You have been by my side for every surgery, every apt, every night I was scared. You never let me see you cry and you always assured me it was okay, and I know it's not easy thanks to our new addition to the family. The love a mother has for their kid is pretty powerful, but the love you show me is much more powerful than I can even being to describe. Through my school years, you still stuck by my side. Fought for my rights. Made sure that I got what I needed and nothing less. When i decided to switch to FSDB, you stayed by my side, and helped me through it. You listened to me cry on the phone every night, and saw my heart break getting on that bus every Sunday. But you never gave up. Though we weren't sure wether or not id graduate, you still stuck by my side, watched me walk across that stage and were just as proud of me even though I didn't get my diploma til the next day. I know I do things that might not make you proud. I know that my sexuality is probably one of those things, but you still love me and accept me regardless. I know that I'm not as close with you as we once were. I know that you don't see me as much as you use to and I wish we were closer. You're not just my mother, you're also my rock, inspiration, encourager, and supporter. You are the one person in this crazy scary world that I know will always be there for me no matter what life throws at me. No matter where my life is heading, I know you will be by my side. I hope that one day I can make you proud. I hope that one day, I can achieve something so great that will make up for all the grey hairs I gave you. I know I don't say this enough, but I love you Mom. I love you more than I show and way more than I say. There's no one in this world that believes in me more than you do. I hope that one day, I can be at least half the mother you are. I hope that one day, my children will be able to call you grandma and know how blessed they will be! I don't think I could have asked for a better mom than you. Things haven't always been easy, happy, and great, but we got through them together. Happy Mother's Day Mom <3

[foundedinchrist]

Dear Carter,

For weeks before you were born, I had so many words in my head, that I wanted to tell you, that I could say about you, and then I got the picture on my phone and I lost all of them. I became completely speechless. Today, while walking down the hallway to meet you for the first time, I thought of all the possible words that I would say to you, but the moment I saw your face I lost them all again. I stared for hours at your precious face, just thinking to myself, why is this happening? Why must it be you, that has to suffer like this. I didn't want to accept it at first, but then I whispered 3 simple words to you, for the first time, and everything changed."I love you Carter, I promise I do" those were the first words I spoke to you. I dont think, i could have found any other words more perfect to say to you. 

As I stared at you, laying there, hooked up to many different tubes and wires, I thought about how my family felt when I was born, and how I finally understand the stress it caused for them. I also thought about your future, and thats what hurts. I know it wont be easy, and I know there will be days you want to give up, and I know there will be days when you hate everything about yourself, I know there will be days that you look at yourself in the mirror and think you are ugly and you will wish you didnt have that ugly scar and you will get angry, but I also know, that you will eventually learn to love yourself, to be proud of the scars you have, to tell your story and be proud of it. There will come a day when you look at yourself in the mirror, and you try to hide that scar, but you realize that if you didnt have your scars, you wouldnt be you. 

Carter, I hope you know, that I love you with every single ounce of my body, and that no matter what, I will always be there for you. You and your brother are my world, I will protect you with my life, and I will give you anything and everything you need. I will stand by you on your worst days and I will stand by you and your best days. You have given me a new reason to live. I couldn't be more proud to be your aunt. You and Viktor are the best things that have ever happened to me. You both have showed me a new kind of love, a love that no one else can give. You are both my world and I will do anything to protect you, even if it means giving up my spot here on earth. 

Life isnt about the breaths you take, its about the moments that take your breath away. The first time I saw your brother, it took my breath away, just like it did, the first time I saw you. You are gonna pull through this, you are gonna beat this. I know you can do this little buddy, it is tough, it sucks, its painful, but you wouldnt have been given this if you werent strong enough to fight it. I have faith in you, and I know you can do it. I love you so much and one day, this will all just be something we look back on and talk about as if it were nothing. I love you Carter. Keep fighting!

[foundedinchrist]

Why Copy The Last Page, When You Can Write A New One?

Everyday of our lives, we're adding a page to our story, and at the end of every year, we end a chapter and start a new one. Some chapters, you can predict what will happen in the next one. You feel as if you know where the next one will lead to, and then you turn the page and it's like the whole story has changed and it leaves you jaw dropped and speechless. Sometimes, you think that chapter will have a happy ending, and you turn the page only to write the most depressing thing that you never saw coming. Life is truly full of surprises, some you like, and some you don't.

You are the main character in your story, you are the one who lives your life. You chose which characters stay, and which character leave. Sometimes the characters that you want to keep, decide that you don't belong in their story, which causes them to also leave from your story. That's where it becomes tricky, that's where the pain comes, that's where the hard times begin. We are all creating our own story, but we have a tendency to forget that. We forget that our characters might change their story, which will sometimes cause your story to change as well, and that is why life can not be perfect. 

When chapter nineteen of my story began, I really thought I could tell you how it would be, at least the first half, but then I turned the page and the story took an immediate turn down a path I didn't think i'd be taking. A character from my story decided that I no longer belonged in her story and took a quick exit out of my book, which left me in disbelief, anger, and pain. When she left my story, I became focused on what her story was like now, but she closed all windows and doors, so I'm left with the unknown on what she is writing. This bothers me a lot, even though I know it shouldn't. I know that my story must continue and though I can go back and reread pages, I'll never be able to rewrite them.

I think this chapter I'm going to focus more on writing the next page in my book, instead of trying to copy the last one. It won't be an easy task, but I think I have the right characters in my story right now, that will help guide me on achieving my goal. This chapter may not be anything like last one, and nothing even close to the next one, but that is how life is. That's what makes your story unique and interesting. No one wants to read the same thing over and over, so why would you create your story like that? You only get one book, why waste the pages on something you have already written? You don't get a new chapter just to rewrite the old one, you get a new chapter to write new things. To make new memories, new mistakes, new characters, and to learn new lessons. You get a new chapter to move on to new things. Why would I write chapter nineteen, if i'm stuck on chapter sixteen?

This is the only book i'll ever get, so why should I waste the pages? The characters will come and go, their stories will change, which may cause a slight change in mine, but I still have to keep on writing. This is my story, and I'm gonna make it a good one!  I don't know what the next page will hold, but I hope it's nothing like the one before it<3

[foundedinchrist]

I'm not who I was<3

A year ago, I made a decision that I never really saw myself making but now looking back it kind of all makes sense to me. When I was in middle school I attended church pretty regularly. I went to youth group, and bible study and I would sit through a service almost every week. I got involved some more by going on retreats and mission trips. Those were my favorite part of middle school. I would go on the retreats with my church and I would have so much fun and I would learn a lot and I'd tell myself that I was going to change my ways and I was going to live better from than on, but it never went through. I always went back to only showing interest in God at church. I won't lie, there were some times where I'd read my bible at home and attempt to worship him on my own, but at 12 years old, I honestly didn't know Christ. As the years went on, and the older I got I got bored with the church life. It felt a if it just wasn't for me. So my freshman year, I gave up that life completely by leaving youth group and quit going to the services. God hadn't popped up into my mind until the second half of my junior year. The second half of my junior year, I transferred to Florida School for the Deaf and Blind. I thought I had made the right decision. I thought I knew what was best for me, so I applied, with drawled from winter springs and packed my stuff and went to FSDB. Those 18 weeks were the longest and hardest 18 weeks of my entire life. Leaving my nephew who I had seen everyday since he was born for a week, every week, took a huge toll on me. It was during those times I realized how happy he truly made me and how much he affected my life. I fell into deep depression. I had many people worried about me. 5 days a week, I wouldn't eat, I cried myself to sleep, and got sick often. I had hit the darkest spot in my life. I found myself on the worst nights, praying to God and asking him for help and guidance. At the time, I didn't see Him working in me Or guiding me. Summer came and God was no longer in the picture. October 2012 I was transferred to Lyman. It was my senior year and I was mad I had to switch schools, but everything happens for a reason, and though I didn't see the reason at first, it's clear to me now. I started hanging out with one of my interpreters. She was the only one I talked to. She encouraged me to go up and talk to someone at lunch, so one day, I did. I had seen this girl around before, she seemed a lot like me, quiet, shy, but wild. I remember the day I walked up to her and asked to join her, we clicked instantly. Her and my interpreter, who later became my teacher, lead me to someone I never knew before. Jesus Christ. It took me a few months to accept Him completely but I remember the night that I had accepted Him into my life. January 29th, 2013. One month after I turned 18. Sitting on the couch at a friends house, babysitting. It was late, I was alone, lost, and confused. I was in deep search for some serious answers. I was texting a few people that I knew had a relationship with Christ and I had my bible open, but that's not how I connected with Christ and accepted Him as my savior. I was about to give up, I was listening to some worship songs when one came on talking about Peter and how He had denied Jesus in front of a group of people and Jesus later confronted peter and asked him if he truly loved Him. I had felt a connection to that song, and it lead me to tears streaming down my face and the most sincere prayer I had ever spoken. I was so lost, confused, alone, and scared and then suddenly I was calm, felt like everything was fine. I knew I had accepted Christ and He was and is my Savior. As of January 29th, 2014 I will have successfully made it through my first year. No one told me how hard and challenging it would be, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Though I've had some slips and falls in my faith, I am working hard on improving that. I have many goals set for myself this year that I know God will guide me through. With Christ in my life, I do still have fears but I have trust in Him that He will finish what He started. This year won't be any easier, but He'll still be here<3 Not everyone will agree with what you do in life, but I've learned that I live for myself, and Him! That's all that matters in the end. I'll make more mistakes but I know that I'll be forgiven and will always have His unfailing love and Grace.

[foundedinchrist]

My lil Lilly Bug<3 Love her to death!! <3 <3

[foundedinchrist]

There is no better Best Friend, then the one I have<3