foursdarkdays

[foursdarkdays]

We only spoke for 10 days

we only knew each other for 10 days

but why am i sad?

I'm definitely over reacting and i know when i read this post again after 3-4 weeks I'm gonna question everything but anyway.

I know you probably already forgot me and are texting the other girl.

I know it wasn't meant to be but i thought maybe? maybe we could be something . Not for long but for a while atleast.

I didnt expect it would only be for 10 days.

You were an amazing distraction ngl.

You did not meet the standards but oh damn you were so handsome. I couldn't stop looking at your stupid pretty face. I liked your glasses but you without glasses? damn. On the bright side, i got to kiss you lmao.

I hate you and you deserve to have a horrible break up with her where she dumps your ass for a silly reason. I hope you cry. It's not really thatr serious but i so badly want you to cry. and think about me for a moment. like what if it was me?

I know we didnt have much in common and everytime i was with you i was anxious and nervous but there were few good times. Like when yoiu looked straight in my eyes and told me my eyes were sparkly. Probably a lie idfc but it felt good. and when we kissed and i could hear you heart beat so fast ugh it was cute af. Abd then you fell alseep on my chest lmao too fast for a second date right? but anyway it was cute. and when we sang style together fucking fuck off ugh. Why would you give me so much attebtion over the chat when you were also fucking the other girl you stupif asshole

Hate how you were so fucking non chalant i mean i know it was way too early lol but why talk such sweet stuff and then just stop?

I was so dumb and careless too. never again. IT WAS NOT EVEN SERIOUS BUT WHY AM I FEELING LOW AND LONELY UGH. I dont even have anything to do so I'm just rotting in bed. But anyway i know it was only for 10 days but fuck you stupid handsome British man now i only wanna date british men ???? GET A GRIP.

I've actually tried speaking to men this year and have ignored most of them because all of them were shit. but YOU, ugh oh i kinda liked you. I was so desperate and scared that i wont find a decent bad man again and all others wrre just majorly bad so i think i tried too hard. i was definitely desperate I'm not gonna deny. amazing decision. Maybe it would be different if i behaved differently. BUT everything happens for a reason. I NEED TO SEE YOU CRY THO AND I NEED YOU TO SEE ME WHEN I DONT CARE.

Oh and i still remember the way i looked at you and thought "this is probably the last day we're meeting so let me just be filmy and look at you one last time" i knew one of us would want to stop seeing each other. I was almost there but you beat me to it. but i still dont understand. You were still flirting with ,e the whole day and evn fell asleep cuddling me?????? and then suddenly you shifted? THATS what im curious about. WHAT happened in your sleep?????

Anyway i know i definiyely deserve better. i deserve a man and not a kid . I deserve to be a priority and not an option.

i just wanted to go on more dates and explore and i did it. honestly no regrets and ill do it again. FOR THE PLOT

Yeah im definitely being dramatic and over reacting but life would be boring if i wasn't dramatic so yeahhhhh.

22/05/2025

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

I have this really really really strong urge to harm again. I almost went to the bathroom to do it but okay lets try to hold it in.

The mental pain and anxiety is too much like way too much and only physical pain can tone it down. But lets try a little harder to calm down alright? Everything will be okay. Baby steps.

7/5/25 (20:33)

When will i go numb and stop crying? When will o completely shut myself off like before? Please can it come soon, i wanna go numb so bad.

[foursdarkdays]

And when the night comes

All i can think of is you

I try so hard to just be

But everything is so blue

The lonely nights again

Life going back to how it was before you

There’s so much pain

And all i can think of is you

“It will be okay just keep yourself busy”

I tell myself

But will it?

Because it’s night again

And all i can think of is you

Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong

But how could i tell them

So i just lie and pretend to be strong

But when its night again

All i can think of is you

(Lmao This is horrible but the pain is real 👍)

[foursdarkdays]

Starting tomorrow I’ll be numb to everything . Nothing affects me. I dont feel anything . O don’t care about anything. I don’t even exist. I’m numb

3/5/25

[foursdarkdays]

I think its better if i just kewp sleeping 24/7 and dont think anything.

[foursdarkdays]

Why does it get so hard to breathe at night?

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

My anxiety is so so so bad rn. I have body pains all over and i can hear my heartbeat 😭

15/3/25 (23:08)

[foursdarkdays]

[foursdarkdays]

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

Nah I’m not here to complain that i can’t stop crying. I haven’t cried in days tbh. I think its been 20+ days. I can’t cry anymore now. I’m numb. I’m in pain but i feel numb. It’s just like the old times. I don’t exist and i dont feel. I feel like a corpse. Anyway idk anymore

10/3/25 (22:35)

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

What do i even write? I feel like im in a loop. I wake up, wait for the night, then pray that the morning doesnt come but it does anyway , i regret waking up then its the same thing again and again. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, i don’t wanna do anything, nothing interests me anymore. What am i even doing. For real everything seems pointless. Can i please disappear? i can’t take this anymore.

I’ve been feeling numb the past 2 days and honestly? I wish i could just kill myself emotionally like completely. I don’t care

27/2/25 (23:39)

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

Its the same old again. Life feels pointless again. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to, no excitement nothing. I’m like why should i even wake up tomorrow morning? To do what exactly? Let me disappear please i can’t do this

22/2/25 (23:20)

[foursdarkdays]

I’m so tired of crying. I genuinely want to be happy again

18/2/25

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

I’m crying in my room again. Life feels pointless again. Everything seems hard. I want to kill myself. I know i have it all and i should be grateful for this opportunity but it’s so hard. My heart hurts i don’t want to do anything. When will things get better

5/2/25 (18:13)

[foursdarkdays]

Should i tell mom about this? Ive felt suicidal before but not this much that i wanna tell mom? Ahhhh

[foursdarkdays]

I’m so so so suicidal these days it’s scaring me

Should i even talk to someone about this?

[foursdarkdays]

Dear diary,

As i walked down Manchester roads on my way to piccadly, i felt lost. No not literally but yk. It doesnt feel like i came to Manchester yesterday. It doesn’t feel like i moved back to Edinburgh THIS WEEK , it doesnt feel like i lived in india for a whole month. I dont feel belonged anywhere. I know things might get better soon but right now its very hard. It’s very very hard for me right now and i dont know where to go. I want to disappear so bad. I know things will get better after i find a new job , find a new home and start my dissertation but right now RIGHT NOW i dont want to live anymore

17:51 (31/1/25)

I think I’ll relapse again soon like today or tomorrow or day after. Can i get a job already so i can busy.

But please please please can i get a cardiac arrest or get into an accident or go into a coma and then die? Please ahhhh please this is so hard my heart can’t take it. How much will i pretend?