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RIP VINE ft. my favs and some i haven’t seen in any best of compilations 

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vine has been my happy place for so long so I had to save these before they disappear into the void, pt 1

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Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

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squirt and desert

The Kum and Go. Or as my mom called it, the ejaculate and evacuate.

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….

…

oops i did a thing

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is it this one: http://archiveofourown.org/works/968497?view_full_work=true ?

I read a fanfic where Enjolras and Grantaire are in a debating club. they went to Cosette’s party. are playing the bottle game and they both have to be seven minutes in a closet. R thinks that Enjolras is drunk, he realizes that is not, his mother worries about him. then the two speaks at the...

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I haven’t seen this before

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re: chromophobia... of course these chromophobes idolized a Greek/Roman past full of cool white marble.... which we've since discovered was actually a gaudily painted riot of color!

OMG!!! I FORGET PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THIS!

Yes, all those aloof, “pure” white statues from Ancient Greece?

They actually looked like this:

Vinzenz Brinkmann, much to the apparent chagrin of Westerners everywhere, used ultraviolet light to reveal the original paint schemes of these statues that the millennia had washed away.

And to underscore the Chromophobia?

Check out this graphic that i09 made for their leading image for this story:

You can check out a video here to learn more about the methods used to discover the original paint schemes of these statues and reliefs.

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wow.. if an award for "most repulsive fandom" existed, there would probably be no other nominees

When you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with their soul, not their body. This is the same argument. Was...

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No, I understand that. But the shippers' utter lack of concern for the homophobia makes me wonder if they have a "legitimate reason" for shipping it. Because I really can't fathom why they are so adamant on shipping something that's harmful to others.

When you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with their soul, not their body. This is the same argument. Was Enjolras queer? Maybe, we don’t know. Does it matter? NO.

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Oh my god.. enjonine does nOT EVEN MAKE SENSE. There is literally no interaction between them to support a romantic relationship. Are enjonine shippers reading different source material??

When you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with their soul, not their body. This is the same argument. Was Enjolras queer? Maybe, we don’t know. Does it matter? NO.

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^ hey, I fixed it for you. you're welcome, OP.

Ok keep insisting Enjolras is gay straight so you can get your ship on and fetishize disregard real, actual gay people

I mean, it’s not like actually being gay is hard or anything.(???) They’re cute guys heterosexuals kissing, life must be gr8

But please, keep writing your cuddly fanfiction and thinking you’re actually helping not hurting LGTBQ people with your shitty OOC fanfics

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and yet I convince myself that I can read 75k words in 30 minutes..

How Long is this Fic Really?: A Guide

Word count in the HP Series: 

Sorcerer’s Stones: 76,944  Chamber of Secrets: 85,141 Prisoner of Azkaban: 107,253  Goblet of Fire: 190,637 Order of the Phoenix: 257,045 Half-Blood Prince: 168,923 Deathly Hallows: 198,227

Word count in the LOTR Series:

The Hobbit: 95,022 Fellowship of the Ring: 177,227 Two Towers: 143,436 Return of the King: 134,462

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Ok, new rule: the only time you're permitted to "judge" a person is after you've engaged in a conversation with them. That's the only time they should concern you anyway (unless they're injured or in trouble- always try to help someone in trouble, regardless of familiarity).

Also: avoid people with weapons. Weapons are typically bad news.

Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself and stop being a jerk to total strangers. :)

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sign this! (but only if you want to)

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/les-miserables-2012-extended-edition/