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[fourthclone]

upon further thought and discussing my current feelings with a friend, i think that for rn the healthiest thing for me to do is to go on a short indefinite hiatus instead of a semi-hiatus.

vent/a bit of where i’m at atm - it IS rp related so feel free to skip. TLDR im taking an emotional and mental health break for my own sanity.

i think that it’s safe to say that i’ve been struggling for a long while in this fandom? and this has been going on since 2020. and while i won’t go into explicit details about my feelings and what ive experienced bc it is a lot and i don’t want my negativity all over the dash, it gets very exhausting trying to portray this character as one who deserves his place in the final fantasy vii compilation as a whole just as much as any other character. it hurts a lot feeling like i somehow have to prove that.

and it has hurt to have people come into my hc posts in the past to complain about retcons as if i somehow had something to do with them by simply applying what’s been shown to me in remake and rebirth. i’ve always tried my best to be respectful to pre-established content, and i’ve always tried to incorporate roche in a way that does not directly contradict previously established lore. i understand the frustration. but my passionate headcanon posts about my muse are not a space for you to vent your frustrations about how -square enix- has retconned SOLDIER lore. i’m trying to make sense of it myself.

yet there are times where i do feel as though i’m encroaching on people’s fond memories of the original compilation by writing this character, and if you think i’m being sensitive about it, i don’t feel like i am completely irrational in feeling this way. this has been happening since 2020, and it’s tiring always having that in the back of my head, to the point where i sincerely approached one of my friends far prior to rebirth to tell them i wasn’t going to go along w this blog because simply put, i just didn’t want to put up w that again - i feel welcomed most of the time - but lore-wise and universe-wise, only to a certain extent at times.

however, i also realize that this is a severe discredit and slap in the face to people who have been nothing but kind to me and i am immensely grateful for that. fandom is a lot better than it was in 2020. it was absolute chaos back then. and the people who have been kind and receptive to this muse and who have been respectful VASTLY outweigh those who have not been.

and so i’m writing this to acknowledge that because i’m seeing a consistent pattern of hyperfocus on the wrong things ( likely because fandom as a whole has slowed down and so has my energy levels, giving me too much room to ruminate ) , the best course of action is to take a complete step back, despite me loving this character utterly. i think it will make me feel a lot better to take some time to focus on other things and keep my mind off negative thoughts. come back with a better perspective. i don’t want to sully this blog with bad vibes or. somehow appearing like sb who wants to be pitied or comforted all the time. when the bad feelings get too big, its simply time to take a step back.

i profusely apologize for my emotionally unstable behavior as of late, so i’ll be taking a step back for my own mental wellbeing. i am not certain when i’ll be back, but i am hoping it won’t take long. at least. i don’t plan on this becoming a lengthy thing longer than a month. i will keep you guys posted.

i am open to discord roleplays via discord at mooglerific. i will be focusing exclusively on tohru adachi for a while over at @infog, albeit on a semi-hiatus level.

i appreciate you guys greatly! stay safe!

[fourthclone]

❛ TOO BAD ... IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE STILL AN IMMATURE BRAT . NOW ... C'MON . I'LL TEACH YOU ALL THE LESSONS YOU NEED , KID ! ❜

[fourthclone]

upon further thought and discussing my current feelings with a friend, i think that for rn the healthiest thing for me to do is to go on a short indefinite hiatus instead of a semi-hiatus.

vent/a bit of where i’m at atm - it IS rp related so feel free to skip. TLDR im taking an emotional and mental health break for my own sanity.

i think that it’s safe to say that i’ve been struggling for a long while in this fandom? and this has been going on since 2020. and while i won’t go into explicit details about my feelings and what ive experienced bc it is a lot and i don’t want my negativity all over the dash, it gets very exhausting trying to portray this character as one who deserves his place in the final fantasy vii compilation as a whole just as much as any other character. it hurts a lot feeling like i somehow have to prove that.

and it has hurt to have people come into my hc posts in the past to complain about retcons as if i somehow had something to do with them by simply applying what’s been shown to me in remake and rebirth. i’ve always tried my best to be respectful to pre-established content, and i’ve always tried to incorporate roche in a way that does not directly contradict previously established lore. i understand the frustration. but my passionate headcanon posts about my muse are not a space for you to vent your frustrations about how -square enix- has retconned SOLDIER lore. i’m trying to make sense of it myself.

yet there are times where i do feel as though i’m encroaching on people’s fond memories of the original compilation by writing this character, and if you think i’m being sensitive about it, i don’t feel like i am completely irrational in feeling this way. this has been happening since 2020, and it’s tiring always having that in the back of my head, to the point where i sincerely approached one of my friends far prior to rebirth to tell them i wasn’t going to go along w this blog because simply put, i just didn’t want to put up w that again - i feel welcomed most of the time - but lore-wise and universe-wise, only to a certain extent at times.

however, i also realize that this is a severe discredit and slap in the face to people who have been nothing but kind to me and i am immensely grateful for that. fandom is a lot better than it was in 2020. it was absolute chaos back then. and the people who have been kind and receptive to this muse and who have been respectful VASTLY outweigh those who have not been.

and so i’m writing this to acknowledge that because i’m seeing a consistent pattern of hyperfocus on the wrong things ( likely because fandom as a whole has slowed down and so has my energy levels, giving me too much room to ruminate ) , the best course of action is to take a complete step back, despite me loving this character utterly. i think it will make me feel a lot better to take some time to focus on other things and keep my mind off negative thoughts. come back with a better perspective. i don’t want to sully this blog with bad vibes or. somehow appearing like sb who wants to be pitied or comforted all the time. when the bad feelings get too big, its simply time to take a step back.

i profusely apologize for my emotionally unstable behavior as of late, so i’ll be taking a step back for my own mental wellbeing. i am not certain when i’ll be back, but i am hoping it won’t take long. at least. i don’t plan on this becoming a lengthy thing longer than a month. i will keep you guys posted.

i am open to discord roleplays via discord at mooglerific. i will be focusing exclusively on tohru adachi for a while over at @infog, albeit on a semi-hiatus level.

i appreciate you guys greatly! stay safe!

[fourthclone]

Pier Paolo Pasolini, from The Selected Poetry of Pier Paolo Pasolini; “The Diaries”

Text ID: —I saw that the world was unreal for me. I remained a few years in its shadows. But it was mine to have, and the chaos was born within me:

[fourthclone]

this blog and @infog are now officially on semi-hiatus.

this doesn’t mean anything other than activity here will be slow. i’ve been struggling to muster the muse to write, even though it’s not like my interest for roche has dwindled any.

[fourthclone]

“I felt utterly alone, like I was the last person alive on Earth. I can’t describe that feeling of total loneliness. I just wanted to disappear into thin air and not think about anything.”

— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (via thebookquotes)

[fourthclone]

Pier Paolo Pasolini, from “Prayer to My Mother”

Text ID: And I don’t want to be alone. I have an infinite / hunger for love, love of bodies without souls.

[fourthclone]

gamers what if i went on semi-hiatus … not bc im losing interest for roche or my interactions but bc i think my brain is tired 80% of the time so i will likely focus on small stuff for now and sending ppl memes.

i apologize!!!! idk why my brain is tired but maybe there’s just a lot going on rn weeeh. medical stuff, work stuff, personal stuff… i think my brain is just overloaded rn! dw i’ll still be here this is just me saying hey my activity WILL drop until i can get back up to my previous speed! i promise that as soon as i have the mental energy i will do my best to write replies both for roche and adachi!

[fourthclone]

Tommy Olofsson, tr. by Jean Pearson, from a poem featured in “Elemental Poems,”

[fourthclone]

rochecloud ngl

[fourthclone]

Margaret Atwood, from The Door: Poems; “Europe on 5$ a day”

[Text ID: “I’ve cut myself off. / I can feel the place / where I used to be attached. / It’s raw, as when you grate / your finger. It’s a shredded mess / of images. It hurts.”]

[fourthclone]

me vs the mental image of roche rubbing his face against sb he loves like my dog rubbing his face against the couch bc of his allergies

[fourthclone]

Zbigniew Herbert, from The Collected Poems: 1956-1998; “King Midas Does Not Hunt”

Text ID: made of blood and illusion

[fourthclone]

[fourthclone]

@backwaterheroics just asked me something that got the gears turning when it comes to roche . . . so i've established in the past that roche is very blood - knight adjacent , right ? what excites roche most of all is what is found in the thrill of a good fight . however , wanton destruction isn't really enough for roche , in fact , wanton destruction is just one of the many side - effects of his degradation .

let's look at the qualities roche exhibits as a rival - type character . well , we know that in remake , roche heals cloud with an elixir before their 1v1 . he's got an unhinged air of unease about him , yes , but he doesn't seek to kill cloud ; he just wishes to prove his own skills and his own mettle . this is made even more evident by roche's continuous efforts to let cloud escape ; sincerely wishing for his survival . i mean hey , he can't die ! when next they fight , he's going to be even stronger !

we also know that roche isn't a sore loser . roche loses with grace . you can tell that his losses disappoint him , but this is never anything he takes out on cloud . during every single battle with him , he concedes that he has lost , and consistently praises cloud for his skill . roche , as we can see , respects a strong fighter , and he's very quick to befriend them as a result . this is his language , after all : years of fighting have rendered this his default ; befriending others by playfully antagonizing them for a fight . his humanity , in essence , fades into this idea that he is a weapon , but the softer intents are still there .

so fights are bonding experiences for roche . this is how he seeks out cloud's friendship , and if it wasn't , he wouldn't be having as much fun as he does ( it's a game to him ! he's just playing ! ) , neither would he say things like 'maybe next time we can keep this just between the two of us !' in remake after their first battle . if the relationship were purely about competition or selfishness , i don't think roche would go through the lengths he does to recognize cloud as the victor .

back to more of roche's chivalric tendencies : he does not wish to get people involved who have nothing to do with his duel with his opponent . this is made evident when he invites cloud to a proper duel between the two of them in remake , and he detests other people interfering . he extends proper invitations for a duel first , and if he doesn't , he makes sure to make up for it in some way . like yeah bro , that was a good fight gg , now let me beat up these grunts in your way . he also stops cloud when he looks around at the grunts in rebirth after defeating roche and asks: ' anyone else ? ' because cloud still thinks this is an antagonistic thing ; he doesn't see it as a knightly duel , which is why roche is quick to say : ' come now ... this duel was ours alone . ' for roche , all duels have rules , so he deeply hesitates to pursue a fight with anyone who isn't SOLDIER unless they're more than up for the challenge . nevertheless , those fights aren't all that fun for him . he believes in fairness , where two warriors fight as equals and the only determining factor that differentiates both opponents is raw skill .

i do hesitate to ever headcanon that roche ever went to hojo for a special procedure with the explicit pursuit of power . this goes completely against roche's values as a knight ( again , this is what he thinks he is - and what he thought SOLDIER meant . he believed in SOLDIER honor very , very earnestly ) . he does not want power beyond what he had ; he wants his health back . he wants his speed and his spryness . he took great pride in being one of the fastest SOLDIER alive in his prime , and he was certainly a force to be reckoned with . what he believes is keeping him from ever meeting cloud as an equal is not his lack of special powers or enhancements , but because he's witnessing his own slow death , and to a weapon , as he weakens , this robs him of his purpose .

and that doesn't really matter if we switch words here and say that to a knight , this robs him of purpose , because either identity requires him to be able to fight . he's spent LITERALLY an entire decade and then some fighting for shinra , and he joined so young too and obtained so much meaning out of his identity as SOLDIER , you think degradation doesn't hit him like a ton of bricks ? and seeing these things and what he values , do we sincerely think that roche is above despair ?

he doesn't show it because when he loses , he doesn't want to make any of this about him . he wants to acknowledge cloud's courage , or leadership , or strength , or what-have-you . this is his friend , whom he admires ⸻ and part of being a knight is losing with grace and honor . but that doesn't mean his true face doesn't show outside of cloud's presence . we don't see it , so we'll never know ⸻ but the fact he ends up under hojo's knife tells me everything i need to know to infer that roche sincerely believed he could outrun his degradation ⸻ not for wanton power or mere adrenaline , but for friendship . and that is why what happens to him in rebirth is so tragic . i simply can't get behind the idea that he doesn't feel lonely . i definitely believe he is aware he does not ' fit in ' anywhere and he's just kind of . right back where he started w / his lonely childhood . he's got the admirers . he's got his haters . he's even in a position of leadership/some degree of power , at least toward his subordinates as captain of the mobile unit . but what does that matter when his heart is wanting ?

[fourthclone]

i swear every time roche sees cloud smile , he's like 'ykw maybe i WILL turn myself in under hojo's knife and embrace the sweet kiss of madness ! '

everyone: huhcat.gif

[fourthclone]

real