fractalmindflower

[fractalmindflower]

2 nights in my new spot.

5 days (is that seriously all?!) you've been on your trip.

I wrote some in my writing journal last night but here I am now.

I have been really missing you so much. We've been keeping in touch through WhatsApp. Been receiving pictures and videos and messages from you. Sending you audio of my day or in the moment and not sure if you're getting them. I really can't wait to hold you again.

I am hoping our distance really resets and reshifts us. I really hope the perspective supports our relationship. That tiny house....The garden....I just want to give those things life and give those things love and share love with you in them.

I have still been feeling like I am trying to regain myself in some ways after those hard two or three nights of my intensely deep crying and heartbreak I felt. I look in the mirror too and I don't feel quite confident about myself. I feel I have lost a little bit of what I am doing and my spirit. I think I am healing from those nights. I think I am healing from a lot really. Healing while trying to remain open. And while trying to feel confident in my essence and sense of self. Musically, spiritually, when I see my own face in the mirror, as well as my intuition and connection with the divine-things of gratitude and manifestation and the innate feeling of what I'm here for in this life and what I can do and my energy behind it really.

Tonight I am going to go to a little open mic/potluck at HUUF. It will be nice to be in a good environment and hear other people. Sounds like a nice gentle evening. Gotta get going now actually off to babysit. 830-345 today.

[fractalmindflower]

It got so bad really.

When something feels like it's gotten so bad, what are you supposed to do?

The psychological and emotional, heart bending trials and tribulations, inner and outer spiritual warfare, encompassed with the essence truth embodiment of one's own self, yet in so much relation to another, compassion for another, yet conviction and integrity to uphold and stand strong and clear in intentions, yet can feel so breakable and mutable while in the despair of seemingly deep dramatic entanglement, which story to tell though, and how to tell the story?

And when your partner flies into another world 15 hours ahead of time and space, and when just days ago you thought you were on the brink of losing what is actually so precious to you, yet at the same time over and over and over and over again you knew you deserved and longed for better, yet also you tried to hold the faith that this was but some infancy birthing stage of much deeper grand picture of life quality relationship that would over many more years mature and season itself with time and multitudes of dimensional growth and evolution as you see, reflect and hope the same for the world.

Laying in bed, this bed where I will be for just two more nights, this bed I have slept in for a little over a month, having taken a deep breath moments ago, while listening to piano music, warm, safe, and missing you. I move into a month to month in two days.

When we said our well wishes, and love dotings yesterday, as a couple hours approached where you had to be at the airport, we held each other and tears flowed from both our eyes, the way your voice broke, the way I could feel such big space about to come into motion. Starting to tear as I write this now. Even deciding how big I want to allow myself to feel that emotion right now.

It's been so hard moving from place to place, packing up, shifting, unpacking on repeat as I have bounced between pet sit and sublet on repeat since end of July or beginning August, whichever it was. I only lived in the trailer with you for a few months of April last year. 8 days into the new year now, here in 2024. I also go to Hawaii soon, in 8 days. You left for Thailand last night, on the 7th. And you won't be back until the 25th. I feel overwhelmed really. I feel myself wanting spaciousness to process a lot tend to myself. Still there's too much to do right now outside of that it seems.

I still try to imagine being in the tiny house. It finished, the wood stove, a fire going, beautiful, warm, mood lit, cozy, comfortable, gentle, loving, sweet, a home we share. I try to imagine us healthy, happy, in resonance, even the garden in springtime and growing into summer, and the gardens last hurrah in fall. I imagine green, and flower colors, and sunshine, birds singing, the neighbor's cat, more apples on the apple tree, even better raspberries than last year. The garden box filled and two more filled, the climbing jasmine spreading out more, and more fires in the pit we created. Can these imaginations become real, and solid, and flowing, and true? Have these last 2 years truly been a painful birthing stage set for something grander? I really really hope.

I couldn't stand the thought of taking a break, of space, or it being declared even before you go on your trip, and me being left with just feelings of insecurity and potential heartbreak. I pounded my fists on my own head, I clenched at my skin on my legs and knees and the back of my neck and even tugged at my hair. At the trailer, and here where I've been subletting for only 2 more days, recently those two places had such intense deep cries of something in me that did not want this to fail, that did not want heartbreak, that did not want all my energy and hard work and dedication to just amount to nothing. I couldn't stand the thought of it.

It also takes so much out of me. All that emotion. The energy embodiment and the exhaustion and the feeling as I have even shrunk or lost some of my own magic, is hard for me to rebuild and regain within myself. I still haven't gotten it back. I noticed how I felt singing at Kirtan yesterday as well. Not so bright and confident feeling. Self conscious rather and insecure. Even despite the love in the room and the eyes and smiles on me that I know loved seeing me on the stage and even though I could feel their support. I was drained somewhere in myself, yet I still showed up devoted for the cause.

I haven't been able to process or feel any excitement for my Hawaii trip. I think after this work week some room will come in. Also I am remembering I need to pick a song for Sunday's sound bath.

Anyways, I got distracted for a bit there actually. I had found a potential song I want to do for this Sunday's sounndbath. I think if I practice it enough I can make it sound smooth. I just need to project my voice in the day time and sit more upright. I also need to connect more to the song rather than just try to merely play it. Remembering knowing some of the words would be helpful too.

I hope that this time apart can feel like some kind of good reset for us both. It's not that I have never forgiven you for things, it's just that it feels like it's taken so long to heal and rebuild and feel confident again and feel secure again, because new things kept piling up on top of the other...

It's 12:06am now, I should sleep soon.

Although I do want to mention that I came across a thought of imagining myself doing affirmation journeying....as a role a modality of offering healing with sound healing and whatever else, maybe song circling too. I dont know. Figure that out more later.

[fractalmindflower]

I guess I am just worthless empty uninspirational shit.

[fractalmindflower]

Where is the solidarity

Where is the healthy thoughtfulness respect consideration

Where is the appreciation and reverence instead of sighs

Where is the mutual understanding of strong roots and foundations and working to tend and heal what's needed as needed

Where is the confidence and bright open thoughts of the future and imagining life together

[fractalmindflower]

You really don't understand what you put me through.

How insecure I continually am, the amount of lack of confidence. How I repeatedly lose hope after gaining even a little bit.

How I even imagine you cheating on me (doesn't matter if it's even irrational/is it really irrational though?) because yeah we aren't intimate. And when I don't feel feelings of confidence and hope it makes me not feel so great and inspired to be intimate. And then I think about how you just want things simple. I think about how what you told me on our 2 year anniversary. I think about how you watched porn at home while I cried my eyes out while pet sitting elsewhere, even while that same night you also could have chosen to sit in ceremony.

You sigh at me when I mention these things. You act like you're tired of hearing it still. You tell me I deserve better. You tell me we should stop, that this isn't working.

Yesterday in yoga there was a point, and I wasn't even thinking about us or my life or anything for the matter, and actually the instructor who is a sweet friend of mine, had us lay on our back with support blocks, and it wasn't feeling right to me, but tried to find some kind of comfortable enough position. But it ended up hurting and being uncomfortable and was also supposed to be heart opening she said. But anyways I just started to feel energetically, just pain, sadness mostly. A sadness. And I got teary eyed. And I stepped away to go to the bathroom but never went in the bathroom I just went down the hall to cry. Still I held back any audible sounds as much as I could. But more tears came out still. And it took me awhile to come back to the class. Not until the end towards savasna actually. Where more tears came out. My instructor touched my heart and tried to help me get comfortable and I told her I had been crying in the hall. After the class was over and pretty much everyone left, she massaged by back and my face was down towards the floor into the mat and my hands and I cried a little harder but also tried not to make too much sound. More tears. It felt so painful. Just a sadness.

Last night you came over and I tried to talk about things. Originally I had thought you should come over since you're going to Thailand soon. In 4 days actually. For like three weeks or something. I suggested you bring the tablet and we watch a movie and it was raining and we didn't end up doing storage unit stuff since it had been raining. When you came over I found myself just anxious and uneasy and like I wanted to talk. Just tried to say things need help things need work things need tending. That I feel you have work in yourself you need to do. That I don't think you're happy. That you were showing your deeper subconscious the other day even when you were depressed and feeling low. But you just say you're fine and happy. I explain that that day was a messenger for you. That I am concerned you dont have established good friendships in your life to help you with this and that. That I still feeling you need a therapist. That there's more to you than tiny house and the trailer etc. Yeah you know all these things you're aware I have told you, you tell me.

Then you get all worked up, sighing, pacing around the room, saying you dont want to do this. And I keep just trying to say well we need to talk about this stuff, why don't we address these things, I say I don't want another year of cycles, I say as cliche as it is being a new year, why not actually truly shift things. You close your eyes, you cover your eyes, you sigh. I mention how I invited you to a potluck music gathering with good vibes and nice people and you sighed at me then to my invitation as if I was torturing you. You tell me you just wish things were simple. That you wish we could just be enjoying things. I say well ya me too obviously. But things need tending to. Anyways you end up leaving and just say this isn't working.

You really don't realize what you put me through.

How I am just actually trying to and have always been a person of integrity, intention, convictions, spirit, heart, and depth and care for things.

I then go to your house, because I can't stand how I feel. Feelings of unresolved, feelings of powerlessness, of feeling small.

When I get there we talk for a bit, and it's just painful. Same things. You're fighting me, rejecting, I say we have the power to co-create and you say you don't want to. Which really has me over the edge not understanding where that all of a sudden has come from. And I just start crying. I start feeling like I don't even matter, like I am of no inspiration, like I am not appreciated, unseen, like I am not special to you, amongst other things. I end up sitting on the ground in the back of the trailer just really in deep deep sadness and confusion and lost. I feel like a child even. I feel so lost and empty. I feel like I don't even know what I am anymore. I cried so hard. So hard. It makes me sad remembering that feeling and I remember it as I write this now.

Eventually you realize finally that I am in a terribly sad state. You come over and hold me. I cry for awhile still but eventually I calm down. I really don't even know what happened to me. But it was really deep. Such deep sadness and lostness and pain. For a moment earlier I thought you were trying to break up with me I don't even know. But it really did not sit well in me. I felt threatened by it and it wasn't what I wanted and I just felt so meaningless to you eventually that I really sank down and became heartbreak itself.

Later afterwards I don't really remember. I had calmed down. You said some kind of reassuring words and I felt we were together still and you said you were going to do things. I don't know. Whatever the exact words I don't remember but there was that hope given to me again that was enough I guess. Enough to get me to ask if you wanted to go get pizza. You realized I must have said that cause I found the idea of it comforting. Anyways we finally end up at the Pub and I choose a song on the jukebox with a dollar of yours you offer, and moments later we are eating pizza and an overly cheesy broccoli cheddar soup. I guess for a sliver of time it was simple.

Anyways then you come back over again, we pretty much get into bed. We kiss and make out, some intimacy, I didn't necessarily want to get sexual. Ended up falling asleep.

You really don't realize what you put me through.

I thought we had a plan today to try again, to move some stuff into the storage unit I got. I had a cleaning gig then kirtan practice, you told me this morning you'd be done around 3 or 330 or something. I hadn't gotten any messages from you, even after my band practice was over. And I'm just like, ok, I guess once again, here I am imitating reaching out and communicating. Because we had made plans, but I hadn't heard from you. I say hi I haven't heard from you...It was around 4 by then maybe a little after 4. You also tell me now you're going up to your parents to do laundry. I basically respond with, I would appreciate communication, and as well to know about your shifting of plans, as well as, noticing that you didn't invite me. You say what's the big deal you're just doing laundry. I say well you know I'd like to come up and remember you're leaving for Thailand soon far away for awhile, I mention wanting to spend time with you, even if it is just you doing laundry. You say what's the big deal. You say I'm getting upset, you act like I'm being crazy basically. I say no, and why can't I have healthy responses? Why can't I be considered and respected when I thought we had plans? Why can't I be communicated with? Why don't you want to spend time with me even if you're just doing laundry? You say you considered it, you thought about it, ask me or messaging me or whatever. But obviously you didn't. So then you say things like you just want to live your life, that you don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings. That you can't do this.

You don't realize what you put me through.

So then you go up to your parents to do laundry and I end up cooking Dahl and broccoli and naan. Just doing my own things. Just hanging out with myself. You leave in 4 days for three weeks very far away. But yep just doing separate things. No mutual desire or interesting to spend time meaningfully or thoughtfully or simply. Just me in that. I just feel bummed. And then I text you how I feel like a burden and a bother. You don't want to have to consider another person, you can't do this, I guess I'm just so awful. Wanting to even just hang with you while you do laundry, wanting just thoughtful communication about a change of plans, wanting to be included in the new plans even, be invited, wanted around. But no. I just write you that I'm shit, that I dont matter basically, that I'm awful, that I shouldn't care so much, that I should just stop, that I surrender, that I say you can lead the relationship, that I guess I do nothing right, that my care is just basically all wrong I guess. That well ok enjoy Thailand and I won't bother you anymore or write you that yep, you can lead.

Saw you call me while I was writing all this.

You don't realize what you put me through.

Even after a night that I cried so heartbreakingly lost so hard, here comes the day after, and you are just in complete non recognition or remembrance of the night before and my sadness. That sadness was really scary for me. I keep feeling like I can't win. That we won't win.

Yesterday too, you just sounded like you didn't want to do the work. The work of healing, the work of tending, the work of rising.

You thought it was light or funny at the restaurant too, to say that you basically need some intimacy or something to hold onto, which to me like you needed physical inspiration or something, intimate inspiration to help you out. Flowers to look at. After I say a garden needs tending and weeding and whatever else to be healthy. You say you need flowers to look at it. I tell you that those flowers need tending to grow.

How can you expect me to open myself up, physically to you, when I lack a sense of confidence. When I tell you our roots and foundations need tending, and you just act like you don't want to do the work or tend to it. You just want simple you say.

I just feel so lost. And I feel so sad. You really don't know what you put me through. You make me feel like I am not beautiful or of inspiration of any sort of flower actually. You make me feel like I am not worthwhile to tend to. But you want me to just open up and be some sexual fuel for you of some kind? Seriously?

What am I to you?

You say you love me, but where is the soul and passion and intention and integrity that should be carried with that love?

You act as if there is just some magical reality where relationships are simple and dont require work and you can just do your thing and not have to consider the other person and get your cake and eat it too.

You really don't know what you put me through.

How much care, deep deep care. To so many levels and layers and realms, I put up with, or give, or have to tend to in myself, or look past, or convince myself, or ways I support you, try to promote your best self to come through, how many times I have forgiven you, all the ways I still try to hold hope and hold on despite so much that has hurt me, to points it is so hard for me to feel confidence or wonder if I ever will, same thing with hope for that matter, how I really wanna to be with you, how I just want to see you take best care of yourself, and of us, how I actually am calling you to initiate and activate, because I care that much, I care that deeply. I don't just skim and say whatever, fine enough, I don't just overlook what is actually needed, I stand up for convictions and what makes things healthy, I pay attention. Because a level of depth and growth and evolution in relationships for them to last, takes work. It takes vulnerability it takes humility, it takes shifting and choosing wiser not easier. You say you're exhausted, yes I am exhausted too. But I always say what would make things easier and healthier. But you just reject or avoid or skim or want to skim or you say you hear me or you're aware but you don't act like it. Act like it in a way that really sticks and gets to grow and live and grow and allow yourself and us to be able to shift and be on the right kind of path. But we stay stuck. Cycles. Stuck.

I just feel so sad.

I care so much and I don't even know what it even matters. Do I just stop caring so much then? Do I just stop initiating? Do I just stop reaching out or make plans? Do I just stay out of the way out of being a burden and a bother to you? Cause that's how you're making e feel. Like I should just be the unseen unappreciated person I am. Like I should just stop talking and surrender and let you lead this relationship cause I guess I do everything wrong.

[fractalmindflower]

I gotta try to remember to write about the good stuff too right

Well we’ve been spending more time together lately

Well you really pleasured me tonight

You’re snoring laying in bed next to me while I write

We leave for a trip down to Southern California tomorrow morning for 4.5 hours

I think I’m gonna try to rent a spot for 750 a month the place includes utilities in that price with a minimum commitment of two months. Figure it will be good for me to have a stable healthy home base

[fractalmindflower]

You came over in the evening after the sound bath I put on last night. you went to the sound bath. such a gift that you get to receive for free...

we were intimate last night. it had been awhile. I haven't otherwise let myself be like that with you. my body has felt anxious and put off by things. since we had painted yesterday and it was a positive experience, and because I guess I felt good from the sound bath and you going...I don't know. It was late in the night you had fallen asleep sort of while I was watching a movie. when the movie was over I rolled over to you and started gently biting you your shoulder and neck and chest, and started to get aroused and you did too and you pleasured my breasts for awhile and I felt how hard and nice you felt and then I guess I let my guard down. It all felt really good and I orgasmed and so did you and by then it was 2:30am.

This morning we had coffee and shared a little bit of morning time, up around 8:40am. you let after we acknowledged that you'd come back and grab me, and I had thought we had a plan to go up to your parents house to get some tiles for the hearth of the wood stove for the tiny house. I had to be back home because some people for the house where im subletting were gonna be here between 3-5 to do something for the house. so I knew I wanted to be back for that. but then you were making it sound like it wasn't gonna happen. going up and getting the tiles. then you didn't even end up getting me till 1:30pm. I wanted to come to do that with you and share the time. but it seemed like timing and circumstances and prioritizing wasn't exactly aligning. I guess I grew frustrated.

then finally we are in the car and I mention I am tired. you said you don't like to be going to bed that late.

I guess I got hurt by your statement.

I've been feeling so insecure and wounded and we've been struggling really badly and the fact we were even intimate last night...I said that talking about not wanting to go to bed that late-i didn't think you needed to mention that. I guess it didn't feel good. I even tried to say that-that the evening was unique and that we even were intimate after continuous difficult and challenges and hard times-that yes I am tired but I wasn't complaining. and I mention again that it doesn't feel good to hear you talk about not wanting to go to bed late. then you just proceed to tell me that you like going to bed by a certain time. that you like being on a sleep schedule. I grow more upset and say YES I AM AWARE, I KNOW. BUT DONT YOU THINK IT WAS A UNIQUE SITUATION SINCE WE HADN'T BEEN INTIMATE IN QUITE SOME TIME????

I had explained that I wish you responded with feeling me, hearing me, taking the sensitive into account. wished you would be more thoughtful to that. that I felt it was actually insensitive. you just responded about your sleep schedule. yeah I obviously don't have a goal of going to bed at 230am either why did you need to mention that?

then I didn't even want to go up to your parents anymore I just wanted to be taken home. it hurt.

doesn't make me feel good to think of being intimate again either.

I didn't feel that you were very thoughtful or conscious.

I wish that you just had focused rather on the notion that it was a unique night and that it was something that we had even been intimate at all. I wish you had just responded with "you're right that wasn't necessary to say," or "you're right it was a special night and circumstance" and then just focused on rather that sort of conversation flow and appreciation instead....

so it just sucks.

sigh. so here I am just laying in bed with this feeling.

looking at a room for rent tonight...

I keep trying to have hope.....

[fractalmindflower]

Not a good night last night

Then you came over and spent the night

Held you tight and I got very aroused and it actually hurt how bad I wanted you

Didn’t want to kiss though

Today we painted the inside of the tiny house finally. Went to ace and picked a color agreed on and just went for it. We both really liked the color. It felt good.

I checked out a studio for rent today and it was kinda pricey and I wasn’t in love with it but it could be good for a few months. I don’t know what will happen with us. So it makes me want to try to find a place. It’s hard. And I’d rather use my money to help with the tiny house…

Anyways gotta get ready for a sound bath.

[fractalmindflower]

The last post I posted on IG and just wanted to share here something positive for once I guess

I just still am finding things so challenging with you. My enthusiasm. My ideals. Then when I am around you I feel so offput. It’s like a truth is there and I’m just confused by it and frustrated and so I go into a state I don’t like how it feels. Have felt so much distance between us just intellectually and emotionally connectively energetically resonant. Distant not in alignment not meshing. This truth I literally keep feeling it in my body. Despite what my mind wants to hope or believe or try to have faith.

Maybe one day I’ll show you this journal here so you can know what I was going through.

You got an appointment for therapy on Tuesday which is in three days. I told you good job. A choice that was in a good way doing what has been needed for a long time. I hope you stick with it.

I want you to be a more conscious person. I guess no I don’t feel you are and I haven’t felt myself experiencing it really. That’s my truth. My experience. My grief. I feel it in my body. I want you to be a more reflective person too. Have friends. Take better spiritual and energetic care of yourself.

There’s even been parts of me that just don’t talk or share or can’t even get to feeling excited because I feel this feeling that I just know already I won’t be met with resonance and energy connection and this has also felt so sucky too

[fractalmindflower]

[fractalmindflower]

Had a neutral time seeing you a short while in the trailer

I wouldn’t say it was a good time or a bad time

You squeezed me in a hug from behind sitting on the bed and that felt nice

Didn’t want to lay in bed with you though

I could feel my body not wanting to do that, it was a no for me when you asked

When I was leaving I suggested a good idea for you to listen to a relationship podcast and journal you said you would

But then I guess you laid in the dark for two hours and did nothing and got stoned

I just am so tired of being let down and then you feeling like shit for it

You didn’t do anything meaningful or self care or for your spirit or anything conscious or reflective

And then I feel just wasted energy for suggesting anything good or my energy I give in such care and depth for you just wasted not met not put into action by you

Why do I even say anything then

Keep feeling empty and drained

This Christmas trip down south with my family just looming and looming as we continue to struggle and strain

I can’t even begin to feel your solidarity because you won’t rise and be consistent and solid for yourself or me

Round and round

Cycle

[fractalmindflower]

[fractalmindflower]

[fractalmindflower]

Yeah just haven’t written in a bit I guess

It’s still been hard

Hard waiting to feel good again or what will come through and arrive and arise soon or when

Hard still feeling anxious and like our energies aren’t matching

Hard watching you attack yourself still when I just try to talk about things and speak up for healthy things, the way it makes you tense up and cover your face with the palm of your hand

I keep giving you speeches and give my energy and depth of thoughts and support

You say you understand and you will /this and that

Yet to me it’s just become words

And it sucks it’s come to that

I’m still waiting for the action, for the consistent conviction and intentions and integrity

But not just that

I needed tending…

Still,

What has this become

Because it’s been so hard to be around eachother it seems and even just try to interact or have a conversation in public even

I can’t tell what you really want to add to the picture, you say nice things but I don’t feel quite it’s what I’m experiencing

Anyways

It’s 1am I been helping my housemate best friend with some things

I can’t not help her so I been staying up late and just showing up for her and being there for her and helping and sharing time and all that while i can

I’ll be sleeping more soon she is heading out for a month ish tmrw

I love her so much and I will miss her

Yeah

It’s hard feeling like I love you and envision things and yet you also feel out of place in my life too

It’s hard for me to even feel excited like up bubbly energy or something

Feel like I’ve just been brought down so much that it’s like that impression is stuck

There’s been good times yes

But these cycles have really not been stopped in their track when they should have been

Even March of 2022 I was writing about hardships and feeling like I was experiencing less than I want and deserve and now it’s dec 2023

Supposed to go visit my family soon for like a week almost and I don’t know it feels like I should just tell my dad we aren’t like doing amazing but trying to just go have fun anyways

Maybe I should just tell everyone

Like hi be nice to us and please don’t ask us about our relationship we just want to have a good time

Ok so tired

[fractalmindflower]

I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to do

And I’ve long felt this way

[fractalmindflower]

Truths and healings of me still unraveling

That I would ever do or be certain things

That have me be less of even the highest ideals for myself

That prevent me from certain courage for myself and for my life to shape it

That I get caught in trying to heal another person and their whole inner world

To imagine someone’s potential

Isn’t quite a potent experience

I want to feel potency first hand

[fractalmindflower]

“We have songs to sing and souls to carry home

Oh you were born to fly in these wide open skies

and I will wait and I will sing until the wind's beneath your wings

Who am I to say if you should stay or run away

Oh be free my child to make your own way home

Breathe, my love, you have everything you need and more

Trust it, darling, the feeling in your bones

Oh you were born to fly in these wide open skies

and I will wait and I will sing until the wind's beneath your wings”