fracturedvirtueswarm

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

Can you yell at me at least.. can you be mean to me again. Call me pathetic for not even being able to go a day without thinking about you anymore. Call me an idiot when I should be asleep instead if looking at Tiktok. Call me a loser for even thinking I'll get a job after my trip to Mexico

Be mean to me. Because then you'd at least be talking to me. At least you thought about me.

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

There's so much music that reminds me of you, I hate it. I just want to enjoy music without being reminded of you, but I don't think that'll ever happen even if I heal

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I couldve spent all these words writing instead because what the hell

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I dont know if not posting on here is helping me at all. I really thought I managed to make it at least two days without posting, and I barely even made it a day. I don't notice how slow or fast time moves

My trip to Mexico is in two days and you don't even know about it. I wish I could talk to you like before

But I ruined that possibility. I'm sorry. I know it's my fault and I'm sorry. Even if you won't see this, I'm sorry

But at least I'm not crying while posting this. At least I don't feel absolutely horrible. It just kind of sucks that I rewinded all the progress I made just because I wanted to draw your character for artfight

And yeah, it was a little rude how you told me, but that's my fault for making you feel that way. It's my fault you're angry at me. And I'm sorry

I'm sorry I made you upset. Genuinely. I wish I told say it to you directly. I wish I could tell it to you. But I can't. And I'm sorry I can't

And I know an apology won't fix this. But I do feel sorry for how I acted. How I'm still acting. But I'm trying desperately to get better

I'm sure posting every thought I have about you doesn't help me. So maybe it'll be better when I'm more lucid about it. My head feels more clear than my previous postings. So maybe that's a smart idea. I don't know

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"You" like youll ever unblock me, let alone see what ive been posting. God you probably hate me. At least it comes easy to you. At least i know one of the reasons why you blocked me

I just hate that i probably wont be able to change that. Youll probably hate me for years. Forever. I dont know. Youre well within your right to, though

Im sorry. For everything. Genuinely. Im sorry for making you afraid. Im sorry for evading your blocking. Im sorry for reaching out to you. Im sorry for it all. I wish i could take it all back. I wish i could rewind time and not fuck everything up

But i cant do that

I have to live with that. That i fucked up. That i messed up so badly where someone i considered a best friend doesnt want anything to do with me anymore

You wont ever read this though. But im still sorry. And ill keep on saying it, even if it gets tiring and repetitive. Because i am. I wish i could tell you directly. I wish you could hear me say it verbally

Im sorry, Ghost. For everything. I'm sorry for being so different than the person you befriended. I'm sorry for ruining the view you had on me. I'm sorry for being desperate and clingy and constantly wanting attention. I'm sorry for ruining the person you called a friend.

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I try desperately not to write on here the second i get the feeling to. I really do. Im trying my best not to write every time i think of you. But you pass through my mind so often and its annoying me

Of course its not your fault i think about you. Im not blaming you. Its just really annoying to me that i cant even go a week anymore

Even with my trip to mexico soon, i dont think ill be able to not think about you. Even if were spending nearly two weeks over there

You haunt me

Why are you fine and im not? Thats not fair. Its not fair at all. Youre fine. The thought of talking to me doesnt pass your mind at all. Meanwhile when i think about it, im struck with the worst anxiety ever

I just wished i pissed you off enough for you to send me a really long paragraph about how much you hate me. Because all i got was one single paragraph. Three years condenced down into one

Crazy how all of that just doesnt matter to you anymore. And i understand thats my fault. None of this wouldve happened if i just shut up and didnt say anything

None of this wouldve happened if i never asked to draw your character for artfight. None of this wouldve happened if i never asked if we could talk. None of this wouldve happened if i never begged for your attention. None of this wouldve happened if i just didnt have a crush on you

Im sorry. Itll be a long time before i get better again. Youll never see the progress i make. Youll never see me at all. Maybe because youre afraid of how fast i can snap

I dont like it. I dont like pushing my friends away. I dont like making them uncomfortable. I dont like losing them. I dont like being the reason they distance from me. I dont like making them feel afraid. I dont like it. I dont enjoy any of this

Im sorry im so desperate to be your friend. Im really trying to move on. Im trying so hard. But its so difficult

Its been almost a year without you and im whining and crying over you still. I hate it. Why cant i just be normal. Why cant i just move on from you like you did to me. Why do you matter to me so damn much

Why cant i just hate you. Itll make getting better and moving on so much easier if i hated you

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im never going to get better. im sorry for making it your problem.

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"please leave me alone" god if i wasnt a coward, i couldve killed myself by now and you wouldnt have to ever worry about me ever again. i wouldnt mentally fuck you up if i wasnt alive. i wouldnt weigh down my friend if i wasnt alive. i wouldnt bother anybody else. but im a coward. and maybe youll be mad at me for resorting to that or whatever. i dont know. i cant tell what you think about me other than you hate me. and yeah, hate is a really big word, but what else is there?

theres multiple points in my life where i wish for death. where i wish for the pain to just stop and go away. but im a coward. i cant do that to my mom, to my dad. i cant do that to my friends. i cant do that to my mutuals.

i cant do that to you. even if you dont want me near you, even if you dont want me to talk to you, even if you dont want to hear from me, even if you hate me, i dont think you want me dead

but maybe you do. i dont know. im a coward anyway. im scared of what comes after death, if anything at all. im scared of dying

and me feeling suicidal in any way just feels like im attention seeking for someone to care about me. and yeah, maybe it is, but its obvious it doesnt work. nobody cares about me in the way that i want them to. nobody wants to listen to me vent about the same old thing ive been venting about for almost a year. so whatever. it doesnt matter

sorry if i try reaching out to you again. sorry i cant leave you alone. i just want to talk to you so bad. i just want to make amends and possibly become friends again

but nobody would want to be friends with someone who stalked them, even if they were previously friends for years

you dont think like me. youre not like the idealized version of you i have in my head. youre your own person and i need to realize that

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"please move on" good god i wish i could. but you were my friend for three or four years. you were my partner for nearly two years. we talked basically every single day. we drew art for each other. you commissioned me. we beta read each others fics. we called for hours. we played games together. we talked about our future together. we vented to each other. thats like asking for me to forget all of that. to forget that you were the bestest friend ive ever had

i dont think you understand how much you meant to me. how much you STILL mean to me, even with you not wanting me near you at all. but i cant ever tell you, i cant explain it to you

i wish i could speed up time until im better. but who knows how long thatll take. everything points to it taking years.

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

i feel like its my fault that they wont talk to me. like, i know it is, but it feels like its ALL my fault, like they dont have a personal reason to talk to me, because they dont need to have one when they already have me to blame

granted, i do think contacting them on a vent account where im openly ranting about them and other things takes part in that reasoning and wasnt smart on my end, but i did really need a place to talk longly about things that i dont want to bore my friends with

but its like.. "oh, THIS is how t talks/thinks about me, i have even MORE of a reason not to talk to him"

and like, that makes sense NOW, but why did they have me blocked BEFORE? whats the reasoning? if they can even tell me about it, because maybe im spending all this time worrying about something thats a personal matter to them and i wont ever find out why

but if they CAN tell me about it but just flat out refuse to tell me due to personal boundaries (and the fact that they dont owe me anything, nor an explanation), then what..

what could it be? i keep on wracking my brain on whatever it can be, but its not like worrying about it will get me closer to my answer. whats done is done. whatever reason they have me blocked for is their own reasoning, its not something i HAVE to know

they dont owe me closure. i know i say ill feel better knowing it, but i said that to myself the last two times. "ill feel better if i just ask them if we can talk" "ill feel better if i just ask them if i can draw their character for artfight" and neither of those ended up making me feel better

at least it doesnt feel like it. like yeah, its a confirmation that i can accept, but it still feels like i rewinded my entire progress with those two stupid questions. so everything is pointing to the fact that everything will just repeat itself

like oh, i ask one of my friends to contact them on my behalf, asking if we can talk it out, when that could lead to an argument or a truth i dont want to know about, a truth thatll hurt to know

but im tired of them sparing my feelings, if you can even call it that. i just want to know why they have me blocked, why they wont talk to me. why wont they tell me.

but thatll just lead to me being upset in some way. i wont want them to have to worry about me contacting them. ive already caused them enough stress. trying to get one of my friends to contact them wont help them nor will it help my case

but i feel like they dont understand that they were (are?) my fp.. they were my favorite person. "it refers to an individual with whom someone with bpd forms an intense emotional attachment, often characterized by a combination of idolization, dependence, and fear of abandonment." "seeking frequent reassurance, exhibiting jealousy, struggling with boundaries, and experiencing mood swings based on the fp's actions are common in fp relationships" "understanding the dynamics of fp relationships is crucial for both the individual with bpd and their fp to navigate the relationship in a healthy way"

and im not diagnosing myself with bpd or anything, but ive been looking into it more often and it makes a whole lot of sense the more i see. so its like a mild self-diagnosis. i dont have it as bad as jotten has it, but bpd is a spectrum anyway

and im not using it as an excuse for the way i behave. i know stalking them was wrong, i know trying to contact them was wrong, i know evading their blocking was wrong. but having bpd and having them as an fp would explain WHY i was doing that. and im sorry,, i want to apologize to them so bad, but i cant, and thats mostly my fault

as angry as i am with them boiling three (four?) years into one paragraph, theres not much, if at all, i can do about that. yes, its upsetting, but i cant do anything. thats something out of my control, i know that

but it feels like if i was just able to have a really long conversation with them in regards to how i behaved and how i feel, then it would help me work through things. but i doubt they have the time for that, let alone the emotional energy/tolerance to listen to what i have to say

its very clear theyre upset with me, maybe even angry at me. but i cant apologize to them for what i did, for making them feel that way, especially since i dont really clearly understand why. thats why i wish they just tell me whats upsetting them, so i know, so i can apologize. and i very obviously know they dont owe me forgiveness, i would just like to know

but i contacted them once, then again, both months apart i believe, and theyre upset with me. i gave them and myself what i thought was enough time to heal and understand whats happening (happened?) between the two of us, and it didnt go well

and i know its my fault for evading their blocking in the first place. its my fault i stalked them. its my fault theyre upset with me. and even if i dont know what i did, or at least its not clear to me, they have a reason (or reasons) to have me blocked

they wont reach out to me. and thats just something i have to accept. even with how much it hurts. even with how it feels like they abandoned me for something i dont know. they dont want to contact me and they dont want to

they wont contact me even if i dont post for months. because they wont know. they wont get curious about what im doing, they wont get curious about what im posting, they wont get curious about what ive been drawing, they wont get curious about ME. because they have me blocked for a reason. because they dont care about me

or at least it feels that way. maybe they do to some degree, even by just a small amount, but everything points to that not being true. its a stupid thing to dwell on: them thinking about me

attention seeking behaviors wont work. faking suicide wont work. not posting for months wont work. nothing will work because they dont want to contact me

and anyway, attention seeking behaviors and faking suicide wont help my case. but its not like ill ever do the latter anyway. im desperate but not that desperate

and not posting for months wont matter, because they have me blocked. none of my friends will tell them that i havent been online lately because they dont care. they dont care about any updates or whatever

they dont care about me the same way i care about them.

and i just have to deal with that. theyre their own person. i cant change that. i cant change how they think of me. i cant change how they feel about me

and asking one of my friends to talk to them for me on my behalf wont help. theyll just think of me as desperate and pathetic. because thats what i am

it hasnt even been a week. but its been 10 months since they broke up with me. 10 months and ive made zero improvement, because i decided to ruin all my progress by contacting them. thats my own fault and i know that

but it feels like i dont deserve improvement. i dont deserve to feel better. i dont deserve to get better. because im still blocked, theyre still upset with me. because its been nearly a year and im still the same. i still think about drawing their ocs, i still think about their fursona, i still think about their object show, i still think about their stories, i still think about their art, i still think about THEM. literally nothing has changed, and thats my fault for reversing my progress. it doesnt matter what they said, it doesnt matter if they worded it a different way, it doesnt matter if they rejected my question in the nicest way possible, id still find some way to ruin everything

i really dont think i can make it whole year (plus two months) without contacting them. I told myself a month or two ago that i wouldnt contact them until september, and i failed that. im going to be desperate and stupid enough to contact them, to reach out to them, when i know they dont want to talk to me

and i hate that im like this. i do my very best to improve myself, but i end up ruining it all because i feel like i dont deserve it. because im curious to know about them. because i still have that dumb fragment of hope that theyll want to talk it through with me

but who knows. maybe having a job by august or september (hopefully) will distract me long enough from spiraling that ill actually manage some decent progress and keep it that way. but i dont know. because i just know ill find some way to ruin it

and i know that kind of thinking wont help me out, but i dont care enough to make an effort. its been 10 months and i still ruined all my progress. whats the point in trying to improve if im going to mess it all up

who knows about september 19th. maybe ill have a job by then and be fine, or maybe ill try contacting them either way

but i really doubt any amount of time, let alone two months, will let them come to terms with the fact that i stalked them, that im basically obsessed with them, that im emotionally attached, and whatever else im fucked up with

i dont know. i wish therapy wasnt so expensive. but then again, itll just be some person listening to me rant and telling me things i already know about

i already have to deal with my friend being upset with me and getting mad at me for constantly venting and crying about them, the last thing i need is someone i pay to tell me the same things

whats the point in hoping for improvement if one single paragraph can ruin me emotionally and mess it all up

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

im honestly having vision issues, like it feels like it keeps on getting worse and worse. only with my glasses on, of course.. its like theyre partially my perscription but not. my right eye struggles to focus it feels like, and they both get blurry and hard to focus at times

it even happened while i was driving. and its not too big of a deal, but still poses a problem in terms of driving and drawing,, also writing lowkey,, i have to get real close or blink real hard in order to get my eyes to focus

so um hoping i can get glasses in mexico,, because ive been struggling w this for like two weeks, give or take

[fracturedvirtueswarm]

I can't tell what the feeling I'm having right now is. The closest words I can use to describe it is like... mania and anxiety. it feels like im supposed to be tweaking really bad, but I cant really understand why, nor can i find anything to tweak out about?

like yeah, i thought about them while i was showering, but that makes sense. anytime im not busy with something, listening to something, or whatever, i think about them. and i dont really like that. because they made it plenty obvious that they dont want me to do that.. well, not like they can stop me, but you know,, thinking about them leads to posting about them leads to reaching out to them like an idiot

but anyway, even with that, i dont really feel like i have to have anxiety over it? they dont want to talk to me, they dont want me to reach out to them, they dont want me to draw fanart for them or whatever else they dont want me to do. thats that, its a proven fact or whatever,, theres no reason to have anxiety about it

so ive got no clue what im feeling

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Teardrop is so me

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Maybe their random ass thank you was because I at least asked if I could draw their character?? Or just "hi, dont do this, thanks"?? Most likely the latter, but its not my fault for misinterpreting it,, like idk talking would help but whatever, give it a years time and either ive moved on or im mentally ill, who knows

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Shes so me..

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Wow shes so me..

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Hopefully soon I can make it a week.. Kind of ruined my progress with the post previous and this one, but it's like.. an itch of anxiety in my body that i have to get rid of