fraener

[fraener]

8/5/25

feeling pretty grumpy this morning and i have a headache. h didnt tell me that he and t nearly had sex with each other, which would be completely fine but i know he was intentionally hiding it from me because i had asked what the nature of their relationship was and he didnt say anything about it but "knew i knew something was going on." i also feel annoyed that ive seen t twice since then and he sort of gave me the brush off both times. h and i hung out for several hours at the creek and ponds where i used to paint with o, walking slowly. it feels looking back a bit like eating too much of the same food for too long. i really have one foot in loving him still and wanting him back and one foot in never really wanting to see him again, or at least not having anything at all to desire of him. been working on my radish jacket, nearly finished. also began writing my cookbook but its going to take a while for sure, spent an hour this morning taking pictures of a fig between my thighs. been looking at vintage playboys as a means to get a grip on popular print, i think im beginning to understand it. feeling quite annoyed with d as well. went and had an incredible time at o.k's improv session at decay but headed out early to go to wonky and d said hi to me and gave me a hug and wouldnt talk to me for the rest of the night, pretended i wasnt there, and the celibate girl hes been going on dates with showed up and he sat and talked to her for like an hour while still pretending like i wasnt there or like we were strangers. then after all that i said to him i was heading home and he got up and hugged me and said "nooooo.." because he wanted me to suck his dick afterwards. i went home and went straight to bed and stewed for that. not interested in being the object he can release into when he gets all riled up with someone else. the vulnerability and kindness and desire i saw in him week before last is gone again, as if it wasnt there, as if he didnt beg to see me nearly every day that week and we didnt lock eyes and lose ourselves in each others pleasure and he didnt lose control. back to making sure i know my place. weve only had one visit together since then. i dont like the way i feel now, or the way i felt last night after all that. i dont care how good the sex is if i still just have to be treated like the person fucking me is kind of ashamed of it and wont speak to me in front of people we know. but that girl is "sooooo nice" so i guess she gets to be more of a person to him. thinking about bg telling me im "not nice but very very kind." a has been trying to get me to hang out with him and i think i will this week, hes really sweet to me, sweeter than anyone has been for a long time. i like that i can really delight him, he told me he was so pleased with the cousin clam gimmick that he was smiling and laughing about it to himself for days after we saw each other last. as a person i find him a lot more agreeable and easy to be around than d, at least i feel like more of me can stretch out when im around him. and i think i like that he has a partner that hes very committed to who he loves very much because i know that the sweetness he can offer me and delight that he has in me isn't rooted in a desperation or an attempt to get something out of me. he feels genuine and true, a deeply observant and patient person. and hes really barging into my life and i really appreciate it. a day a nap cant fix by splitting it in two...my headache is mostly gone but im still feeling upset and low. i think ive got a stuck bout of crying in me somewhere. going to begrudgingly make apricot stew and help e get her groceries. dont think i should see d tonight with how i feel.

[fraener]

8/3/25

blood early again this month helped along by my funny lanky angel boy. every day i surprise myself with how nonplussed i am by him when hes not right in front of me. each time like eating a piece of cake, enjoying the moment and when were apart having it be far from me and assuming each lull means its over. blur of my belongings slowly creeping into his shed, the low light on the blue dresser from his piano lamp, rows of big puppets along the rafters, the window in the far corner curtained by a white dress shirt with fine black pinstripes. the desire to be more than useful is sneaking in around me. im still in love with h, theres no way around it. reaching and despair abound. s.s wouldnt stop emailing me unhinged shit about what an awful person i was for this and that, all random completely avoidable but also not within my control things that she distilled into reasons to not like me. and a lot about how i was mistreating her because shes a woman...someone i know left a cigarette butt in her driveway and its my fault because shes a woman...anyways. same evening i had to sit through h screaming at me again because hes all over the map emotionally right now. apparently hes never broken up with someone he still loved and definitely never had a breakup that wasnt him very staunchly dumping someone so its extra hard for him i think. this isnt the first time ive ended things with someone i still loved if i think about it, the last time it happened was with o and it took me years to get over but it felt more logistically impossible for us to stay together in that context so it was a little easier to move on from. and we were never so enmeshed and never loved each other as much. i dont know what to do about h and it feels impossible to get back together and it feels impossible to NOT get back together. i wanted to see s before he moves one last time but i dont think i will. it was nice to see him briefly on my lawn in the sun, gave him gifts and a kiss on the cheek. im going to miss him so much, i already do. but its true when he said our friendship is mostly over the phone anyways. peeled wallpaper in t's house while i made rice pudding for e post surgery, was fed potatoes by b, held around the shoulder while i cried by b.m and he said "is someone being an asshole to you?" and told me a little about his ex. went to slug fest with s last night n saw writhing naked bodies in gallons and gallons of horse lube and we laughed and played and h drove me home after his modern butoh nudity fusion dance. his first time doing a modern dance performance that he directed and set to his own first melodic music no less! im excited to play around with printing and become friends with him, he talks very fast and is a freeing person to be around. been still cooking lots lately, this week it was blueberry poppyseed muffins. gave one each to s+c and i heard c exclaim in the laundry room with joy, those kinds of little moments i should hold onto. and yet i want to share my life still! want to be loved still deeply and close. slowly making headway on this radish coat, thinking i could have it done maybe even today if i worked hard at it. maybe tomorrow instead, haha. trying to get h to go for a walk with me today and feed him a muffin but i am weak right now so it will take a lot of restraint i think to not hold his hand or lean on him or move in to kiss him. a lot of love with nowhere to go. and its awful because it feels like the color has been taken out of all the beautiful things im doing and seeing. trying very hard, living very thickly and well and still it feels a bit grey and hollow. all i can really do is wait to see.

[fraener]

7/24/25

i feel like im forgetting something today...maybe its just the milk going off. slept deeply for the first time in a long while last night, i think a week went by without sleeping more than 6 hours in the night. a week full of love is a week without sleep. worked on some ceramics this morning, eating blackberries and raspberries off the vine with pleasure and meticulousness. watered the garden and scouted veggies which i took in the evening. she told me, "harvest anything thats ready!" before she left so im tentatively taking advantage. went with bg to the market and up the opposing hill to buy eggs, she dressed up a little for me. i love when she does that. i love the ways she shows me she loves me now that i can see them, dressing up for me, her sour mood slowly turning like clouds passing when shes with me, the way she waits quietly for a while before telling me something shes excited to share with me, how she brings me books sometimes or wears my favorite earrings. saw b and m and bought lots and lots of produce this week but no more fruit. kohlrabi and pattypan and potatoes and peppers...beet greens from the compost bin. took a brief nap in the evening and woke feeling a little anxious, then sad. i still cant no matter what overlook the terrible void h has left in my life. i cant bear to be around him but the world is without color without him. im surrounded by beautiful things and cant enjoy any of it without thinking how id like to share it. like i keep giving my 4 leaf clovers away, like how i keep feeding d as much as i can, like how i keep giving my sleep up and pretending im doing just fine until the brief moments where im doing just fine. i cant make sense of all this. its not even that i really miss him, i dont miss him in my bed and i dont miss what we had this last year, but i miss his laugh and his puppy eyes and watching his beautiful lips move. i miss his presence, i miss when he was excited. i miss how he saw me when he could see me, and how he loved me when he could love me. those things havent been around for a long time now...i keep cooking myself big meals and doing the dishes and going out to see friends and just feeling driven into the ground by it all. learning to eat a pint of strawberries alone has turned to learning how to get through every day like its a pint of strawberries. i still cant help letting a little of it spoil each time. i cant move fast enough through it, even now. but im learning with blueberries. a little quicker to eat. and however much d teases me for my slowness, i cannot rush myself through anything anymore. i wish i could understand why h feels like he should be the only person in the world allowed to love me. or maybe i can be grateful that i cannot understand it, let it just be something that stands between us as a deep chasm. differences that i can learn somehow to accept. i dont know. maybe ill call him, its been a week since i last saw him. but if i do i dont know what it is im looking for. a desire to regress to that first year, or to last summer when we finally were happy and away from the world at least for a week. but i think somehow maybe the more i call him the less ill want to, like exposure. and part of me doesnt want that yet either. ugh. ugh! writing about it made me feel a little better though and i didnt call him. made potato salad with green beans and kohlrabi and peas and baked salmon and a beet green and feta quiche which i brought the first slice to d and hung around for a couple of hours even though i said i wouldnt. he wanted me to listen to him complain while he cleaned and i gave him a hand with his bed. he showed me a deer skull form he made for a mask and a codex tube he 3d printed when he was in the thick of the lockdown. he gave me a beautiful woven wool necktie we found on the floor and looked on me with the most disarmingly loving and tender expression ive ever seen from him. i feel like were finally becoming true friends.

[fraener]

7/23/25

havent had much impetus to write recently. just wrote a poem for the first time in more than a month i think, maybe even two. tonsils still producing a little pus and glands still swollen in my throat but the infection seems to have lessened significantly. still taking d, somehow, taking him over and over. seen him 4 days in a row this week, ending with this morning. he let me inside of him last night, not very deep, his very first time. i didnt finish yesterday or today with him but he did nearly 3 times and with confusion and urgency and surprise each time. these last two days i finally felt he was familiar and almost a little irritating. i think i could do without seeing him a little while. s and f came to visit me last week, i saw b's ballet and m's show about being trans in the 60s in sanfran and cried. talked with p on the phone this morning, hes finally sleeping again. he sounded exhausted. i miss him, i look forward to when hes back. i guess i dont have much to say, really. i feel like im sleepwalking almost, very disconnected and i keep finding new grooves to wear into my life. kitchen is very clean, housemates are out of town, im making a little ceramic work very slowly. had my show opening and wasnt invited back to show next year, got the cards of some artists though. heard that jsl is doing awful from t which felt great. luck has been pretty good recently, some funny little pitfalls here and there but nothing extreme. still finding clovers all the time. feeling a strange spaciousness and the time is flying by. feel like ive gotten almost everything i need to do done in a way. saw h on thursday at the fair and cried, held back tears the rest of the day and the next. felt fragile and listened to the fireworks go off with d in bed. hes been opening up to me a little here and there, sunday i made shepherds pie and we watched zoo and took a bath together. telling me things about himself unprompted which im enjoying. i feel like were slowly becoming friends. i dreamed last night of him in snow, going somewhere i couldnt follow. i dreamt o told me they loved me still, too. its 9 and nearly dark out now, d says the sun will set at 8:20 on my birthday. cold grey mornings, mourning, not doing my homework much. hoping the doctors visit in the city will bring some clarity and i might try and see my grandparents too. want something familiar i think.

[fraener]

7/9/25

such an early day today which went rough for me. when i arrived to feed the hounds brody had messed the bed and somehow injured himself in the process, so the room was smeared with blood and shit. luckily he was in high enough spirits but it was a terrible hour before breakfast. on my way home my clover urge from last night finally resolved and i found 6 of them in places id looked before. when i came home i fell asleep from 11-12:30, then woke and had lunch, tried not to fall asleep again. made some new charms im excited about and hung rose and rowan and poplar from the ports to keep the house hidden. my fingers ache a little where i was nicked by the rose thorns. particularly happy with a luck charm i made. a good 2 hrs on the phone with darling p last night. we spent some of it on a video call, at which point i told him about me and d. his expression turned dark and he looked away from me then, a bitterness crept into his voice. he said rather ruefully "i dont know what h is talking about, anyone who knows d knows he isnt that special. hes a total dork. a dorky stoner." i couldnt believe he was jealous! it was sort of reassuring, but at the same time i felt a little pang for the fact that were withheld from one another right now. i do love him so dearly, i love his earnest nature and sensitivity. i love his moods and his warm expression and the way his voice gets soft when he feels tenderly. its hard to be away from him like this, still talking and wanting. hes still deep in his self flagellation wrapped in discovery, his monkhood passage. how id like to gather him up, i want to show him i love him in the ways i know how. i want to cook for him and read to him and work the knots out of his hands and shoulders and i want him to insist on doing my dishes and cry on my shoulder and curl up in the crook of my body again. i dont think either of us can really put it back, what we took out. im just around the corner from forming a thought about how i find most comfort in giving others comfort...haha. and theres the matter of d, god my heart feels full. i feel engorged, like ive eaten a most opulent meal, like currants and cream, like crisp fish fat and peaches and custard and dark raspberry wine and bread and butter and hot brie. and t calling to ask me something but not catching my call when i rang back...ill have to find i think the line between balancing my lovely rotating cast of lovers and my desire to dedicate myself to my work. sometimes youve got to take a break from eating, even when youve been starving...ohhh me and my lovely lovely meals. watching dracula also i can see why its both p and d's favorite movie haha. all that good luck coming my way and i dont know what to do with it really, trying to think about what it is id like to direct it towards. i think i ought to start an etsy after all...my first ever gallery opening tomorrow night. waiting with baited breath and a little scared! or not scared, but nervous, feeling underprepared if i get any inquiries. but hopeful, distracted, exhausted, praying for rain before the terribly hot week were creeping towards...

[fraener]

7/8/25

a raucous lay with my beautiful lover for hours this afternoon during which i managed to get completely coated in blood but very little on the sheets which was a big relief. a kind of completeness now that ive imbibed of him properly. have started tentatively playing the cello again, went to the wonky tonk with my saw and chatted happily with a and gave L a four leaf clover. she said she needs to be around witches right now and i could have no idea how perfect it was for me to give her that clover in that moment. a told me he was going to wear a really crazy outfit to get out of jury duty but apparently he wasnt allowed and was excused after all anyways. today after when d and i held each other before saying goodbye he said he wanted me to be with someone else so he could feel like i was choosing him when i wanted him and not just going after him because hes the only option. he also said, "I'm so excited to be a part of your rotating cast of lovers." that moved my heart so much. hell be gone for 2 weeks and very busy until after my birthday once he comes back but i feel a little relieved, likely ill still see him once a week or so. hes so perfect and i feel so incredibly lucky to be loved now, i am sure i am loved, by someone with seemingly the same compass as me. a big container of raspberries im trying to decide what i ought to do with, from the little library where i got the day lilies the day i began finding clovers. i looked for one today for a while this morning, early when i let the dogs out. ive got to go again soon but i might wait until a little later, 7 or 8 or something. feeling wonderful today, happy beyond relief, tired beyond belief

[fraener]

7/6/25

a mixed bag of beautiful days since the third. throat slowly healing, weather warm and quite mild. firstly the circus with t, so beautiful it made me cry. an aerialist that looked like the moon, a person being held in the air and soaring by just their hair, a juggler, a cockroach, a laughing baby thrown high. ran into L and gave her a hug about her brother. saw a twice that day, once when he went to comfort her with d and then again on the other side of the big top. met t's ex who was very beautiful and her funny little roommates. then the next, popped by the coop in the afternoon to get some things for the fiddle fest and ran into m outside, he said he had just woken up and walked over. apparently he lives at mahayana and has for the last 4 years, meaning we would have just missed living across the street from one another. funny how this little town is. got a call from d and found id be camping, he was so shocked when i told him he didnt have to feel responsible for me and if he wanted to stay with his friends as long as i could find another ride back to town there wasn't any reason for us to go together. then an intense phonecall with h where he apologized for the way he treated me and told me i had always treated him well and he had been so awful to me as a means of control because it was true that he just couldnt handle me having multiple lovers. cried my eyes out and felt quite exhausted and really didnt want to set things up for r's show at s.s's house but rallied and did so anyways, i thought it was a fine success though s.s was being a bit obnoxious. just shouting a lot and sort of trying to herd everyone similar to how k.k does. some drunk obnoxious kids showed up and one of them fell over a drum kit. r was a bit shifty with me but j was sweet to me and we chatted away for a long time and i got to meet their friend g. really incredible music from them all, what sweethearts. i skittered away late in the night and the next morning woke late from an incredible dream about mother hulda and a white church on red sand. ofc today i get a long and accusatory email of all things from s.s where she's upset that i played her clavichord that i asked if i could bring out and play to which she did say yes, was mad that i "let" other people touch it, was mad that people left cigarette butts in her driveway although i thought it really would have been smarter to ask that people dont smoke. just blaming me for a lot that didnt really have much to do with me so much as it did that she chose not to assert herself or express how she was feeling in the moment...i want my lamp and extension cords back!!

d came over while i packed and teased me for working slowly through what i had to do, but then fucked the shit out of me so i didnt care so much. we drove out late to p.t for the fiddle fest and stayed up all night, i bounced back and forth between being at d's side and wandering myself. i didnt want to get in the way of him at all so i tried to make myself scarce but accessible. i went and painted on the beach for a while by myself, hung out with a baby that wanted to tell me all about the fiddle, played a huge two man woodsaw. d played honky tonk with k.s and they held one another like star crossed lovers round the shoulders and in each others eyes. it was sweet to see but it did remind me of the fact that im on the outside of d's world and that's likely where ill remain. that, and all the odd looks people gave me, and the pointed questions about what i was doing there, and the times they gave d their condolences about e and then looked right at me when he said he didnt want to talk about it. but it was fun even so, it was something new and novel. the wind was incredible, it was so cold. around 1:30 my period started and we ventured out for a place to sleep outside and settled along the treeline on a small berm under a maple, curled up together in the same sleeping bag. made him gasp, held him as he fell asleep. watched the milky way turn above us and listened to the high wind from which we were sheltered. in the morning i awoke around 4 with the birds, kept opening my eyes to see a curious family of 4 little wrens who all had something to say and were looking over us and discussing us. i dreamt about mountain lions and then woke again at 8. we werent caught, thankfully, and we spent the morning wandering and looking for people but the party was very much over by then and most people had already shuffled home. over the cliff behind the battery i took him in my mouth until the brink and buttoned him up again, just to drive him a little crazy. an irishman with kind eyes played the fiddle with d again this morning after all and i was rejoined by the baby who wanted to tell me more about the fiddle and the flowers he was collecting. the drive home was long and quiet, i slept an hour and woke to find s quiet and d fast asleep. he slept until we got home and all i thought about was how i didnt feel as if i belonged in their little world. wrong bracket, wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. but d thanked me when we were alone, for coming and being ok with being dropped into his world like that. i want him to know that i care, i hope he does too. he even held my hand a little when we werent around anyone else. it reminds me of g a little bit, like another thing i guess i ought to feel ashamed about or maybe angry by that the person im seeing wont hold my hand in front of others, but i have to just let it go like i did then. another watercolor wife, another dirty secret, fetish. but at least im playing the cello and painting again. trials and truths.

[fraener]

7/3/25

feeling a little better in my throat today for some reason. yesterday made the harrowing journey to the walk in clinic to which the doctor after 2 long hours said "we don't know why but youre having a bad case of tonsilitis, i think it will resolve on its own and you shouldnt take antibiotics." pus filled tonsils with no obvious cause since i dont have a fever and i dont feel particularly ill and i dont have any other symptoms. while i waited i sat behind this beautiful pond on the backside of the parking lot facing the preserve. it was fenced off but i could see dragonflies and things zipping around, the red ones and the ones with the black wings with white spots. i feel pressureless and quiet. i want to go and look at some other ponds, i want to read with my feet in the water, i want to eat good food and reset slowly. more dogsitting next week but it made me feel strong even though i was tired. and 200 bucks is good money. spent the evening with d, he made me dinner and i held him while he fell asleep before slipping away. he gave me a little piano lesson and put my snack in the fridge for me when i forgot about it. i ran my fingers through his hair for more than an hour i think, and made him finish, and held him after then too. we asked each other how the other puts on their shoes. he said, "you pay attention to the parts of me that no ones paid attention to before." sometimes when he says things like that i dont know how to verbally receive them- i like it very much, very glad to hear it, it makes me sigh. some part of me wishes deeply that wed fall in love. waiting and crossing my fingers to see if i dont catch his cold sores, weve been having a little bit of potentially dangerous contact here and there. tonight the circus on the water with t, tomorrow r playing at s.s's house. i think i might go and get eggs, maybe make a quiche for me and d to eat on saturday. feeling tired, wanting to rest and avoid people for a little while. as much as i like d i think we might be spending a little too much time together so im looking forward to the week hes gone. i dont really know the exact dates but i imagine hell let me know when hes going, when hes getting back. im not sure why i feel apprehensive to ask. oh well. low grey day, day to do the laundry, day to turn the sheets over and do the dishes, day to nap.

[fraener]

7/1/25

july the first...it feels like summer in earnest now. i think the seasons are shifting backwards a bit, my room is hot and i know it will be just as hot well into october. the witchs sand tray in class this week, and c.b put a variety of hats on everyone and showed us the lingerie of the dead actress she was briefly possessed by and i played her pump organ which it turns out you can just find around for free! theyre all beautiful and i want one desperately but practically im not sure i could justify it, especially since ive got one that folds up already and not a single bit of space anywhere for something like that. theres a bit of fresher air trickling in through the open window now, sweet summer morning. im nearly through all my dishes, not even a full rack left. i rewatched harold and maude and it gave me a bit of confidence, like i can allow myself to be changed by this new set of circumstances. house is slowly shaping up and this week i get to see many who are dear to me, especially exciting for r to be here on friday. i'm having some kind of issue in my throat, lots of white crud stuck in my tonsils and a sore throat and swollen glands but ive been gargling salt and oregano spirits and massaging my neck and it feels as if its helping and the white crud is lessening.

this sunday was a good sunday. normally i dont like them but d and i went to the secret beach and talked about theater and ate fruit and fucked again, animalistic and hungry as we are, under the trees in the shade on the shore. his face is so different when its tender and genuine, im becoming rather fond of watching his expression change to a smile, head tilted back in ecstasy, eyes closed. or the genuine sweetness on him when i pulled a chair near him behind the horn section yesterday, smiling bashfully behind the trombone mouthpiece in his little cap and white shirt. beautiful evenings filled with smoke and candles and incredible heat and the smell of his sweat. i threw a butter crock yesterday and am trying to make it work, did it all by eyeballing so the fit is very tight. signed it with "to d with pleasure..." my thighs right up were covered in deep red clay because i didnt wear an apron and as i washed it slowly from my skin in the shower and applied olive oil after i thought of him, thought of the simplicity of what is right before me that can be done in pleasure, thought about how even just washing clay from my thighs can turn me on. hoping the crock doesnt fuse or some other terrible fate befalls it because he said quietly, incredulously in the dark on the drive home from the black and brass and chestnut of the evening we had in music "...you made a butter bell??" im beginning to think he felt ignored for a long time, everything that feels like an opportunity for me to kindly and justly share what i have to spare is a big shock to him, he always says "youre so nice to me!" i think were getting different things out of it and i can feel an odd bitterness in me, a desire to not let this stand so tall in my life, and it isnt- but watching him be changed is moving something down below me. an almost envy at his ability to allow this to be significant. he says he wants just the summer together and then we ought to break each others hearts in agreement. "we both turned the keys to open it, i think we should turn the keys together to close it." and he said just because it comes to a close doesnt mean it cant be reopened. although, i can tell, both that we wont likely have another chance, and had it been under other circumstances, i think we could have fallen very much in love. going to the fiddle festival at the eastern tip of the sound this week. i think its clear hes going to leave me in the dust there but im hoping i can find ways to entertain myself. i was a little disappointed because i thought he wanted to take me to show me around but he keeps saying well "split ways but will find each other" and what hes really excited about is the dance in the evening. i think i ought to look good and i think i ought to go and chat up other fiddlers for the day, maybe bring my paints, maybe the saw. its right on the sea so ill have a good time no matter if im alone or in good company. every day feels spacious since i stopped talking to h, every day a little kinder and a little wider. d said sunday on our way home "i feel like im on vacation" something we can really agree on!

[fraener]

6/27/25

late in the evening now, quiet. ive got the light low and i had curry for dinner, the usual i make at home. im a little hungry again after all. watched harold and maude again after many years. felt appropriate to navigate with through this next chapter of my life. saw d this morning briefly to retrieve my scrying kerchief, he has a cold sore so i kissed just the corner of his mouth. he said because hed already said wed see one another on sunday i wasnt allowed to go down on him and that it would be emotionally inappropriate to let lust drive the bus. he mimed being in control and then letting lust drive the bus as the bus spinning out and crashing. then he lifted me in the air, carried me to the piano, and slammed me down on the keys, then ran my ass across the keyboard to play an upward glis. he told me if i didnt feel the same fulfillment from our midsummer days it was alright, but with reproach sneaking around somewhere behind his voice. we began to make plans to go to a cathedral service together. im trying still to put my finger on what it is about him, maybe just that hes so similar to lovers ive had before, maybe because he fits into the pattern so perfectly, maybe because he and i are so similar in many ways- and yet his hands, his perfectly crooked teeth, his dark grey eyes with the little gold ring around the center. the freckle on his upper lip, the small scar on his chin, the way his silver hair turns coppery in the sunlight. i think i can admit now late at night i do want to let myself fall for him, let him move my heart, let me be changed by him. yesterday i told h i didnt want to talk to him for a week or two. the cards say it was the right thing to do, retreat inwards to heal my torment. trance revealed the type of binding i ought to do on him using queen anne. i dont want to do the cold stones, but i am considering it. skirted wool with bg yesterday, spoke to e on the phone, spoke to f on the phone. all of them said i ought to just get away from him. bg shared some very vulnerable things about herself with me about her episodes, i feel very special to know. shes a very good friend to me. she brought me two small roses and told me she loves me. still going to need a little searching i think inside for the ability to fall, and not see d more than once a week at most, not be given obvious or particularly regular access...letting us feel it out as it goes. i know neither of us wants the other to become furniture, though we might have different ways of approaching that goal.

[fraener]

6/25/25

having a hard time with this one. didnt go get my stuff from portland today. celebrations and grievances all at once. saw an under the bridge show with s, gained the ability to find four leaf clovers, cant stop finding them. started reading a tom robbins novel. harvested some things on midsummer eve, went to the wonky tonk, taught a drunk man to play the saw, ended the night fucking d on his lawn under the shooting stars in a heap of blankets and pillows and apple tree refuse. midsummer day spent in a sleepless fugue, the evening running my fingers through d's hair and cooking him pasta and rubbing his work sore back and fucking some more. i cant call it anything else really, its fucking. its violent and depraved and desperate and pure like a hot coal. needs must when the devil drives. he slept the night in my bed, doesnt take up much room but wants to hold onto me while he sleeps. fucking again in the morning. he smells like peaches and frankincense and brown sugar and camphor and linden. he smells familiar and sweet and sharp and tastes delicious at every interval. he continuously chainsmokes spliffs he rolls from a very worn taped up bag of tobacco. he wants to cook for me and he has an old fashioned appendix scar on his belly and growls and bites and hes huge. hes so similar to o and i.b that its tripping me up a little, i feel like i already know him and i keep forgetting his name when were in the throws of one another and sleep. easy to be around him, i feel unashamed and unpressured and unfettered with him. he wants to take me to the northernmost town on the peninsula to a fiddle festival and to teach me the piano. yet. still my heart feels raw, i am still in my desperation for solitude. saw h today and we had another terrible fight, par for the course. i couldnt believe him when he said he wanted to stay close and still show up for me if i was sleeping with someone else and not him, and i was right to do. i dont even really want to record it. i might try talking to him again in a few days but i asked to go home after the final thing he said- "this is really really hard for me and youre just fine. you get to just be fine and get to fuck someone and i dont." i told him i didnt want to talk about it anymore and didnt say a word in the car. i was so excited to see him and so happy to be around him and it was just another afternoon of hearing tell me how upset with and envious he was of me. i just feel broken completely. i can see d sent me something sweet about feeling furthered and encouraged by my attention, i wish i could say the same. i wish i could collapse into that with him. maybe i can after i get a good night of sleep. i feel like i need to retread totally and hide and lick my wounds still. heard back from the coop, they want to interview me but dont have any slots open on the schedule at the moment and arent hiring anymore. going to go for a walk i think and maybe do some bindings and collect some poplar and rose to hang in the windows. or ill just go to bed, not sure. not feeling sure of much at the moment but clovers, the deep love of friends, the assurance that the sun will in fact rise tomorrow, owls, and the fact that my kiln works after all.

[fraener]

6/22/25

the most beautiful rainy day yesterday to quell all the terrors of the week. left the window open all day and in silence washed my sheets tidied my room and the livingroom vacuumed the rugs and the couch swept did some dishes took a bath and made salmon and a beautiful blueberry cherry crisp with basil and thyme and sage. my mind was totally blank the whole time and i didnt listen to any music, talk on the phone, watch tv. a little tv at the end while i was cooking just to keep me company. went to the coop twice trying to get yogurt to no avail...also still havent heard back from them for an interview lol. ive mostly forgotten about it at this point, planning for a year back at the spice shop and teaching again. k.g brought me two boxes each of black and gold clay! took my items down to pland, successful first bisque came out beautifully save for the explosion that occurred with my big pitcher...though i think i like it better now than i did! i do wish i could be as free feeling as i did yesterday, every day. went to the grotto with h after he was throwing a bit of a fit all day cause he had us drive n down and back up again and i was annoyed with it. i was planning on staying, had packed a bag but decided not to at the last minute because i hadnt been prepared for the rains. im a bit glad i came home cause i got so much done behind my back, i felt like i had finally completed so much there was an openness in my time. thank you to the parts of me that took a step back yesterday and let me run free...i want to get back into reading. picked the dispossessed up again and was reading a bit last night, feels good and i forget. feels better than watching tv etc. strange dreams upon me again, heard a nighthawk last night, having a thing with owls including my beast paw dream and finding an owl claw on ebay listed as a "coyote paw" and running into the owl in the ravine a few times. the stream was running again yesterday for the first time in a couple of months, some relief there. a lot of days with e this week which was nice. up to staircase where she and n were camping, watched h swim even though it was freezing and windy outside. the river was the most incredible blue, we ate huckleberries and salmonberries on the trailside up the mountain. h and i almost had sex but it was pretty unpleasant out, really windy and dusty where we were. he was upset about it later, that it didnt happen. i think he felt led on because i had felt him up in the car before. walking around with t, i can tell theyve got some kind of thing for me. when they came into the house they tackled me down onto the bed and their weight was a comfort on top of me. theyre a little too curious about my sex life to be uninterested. i caught a glimpse of their belly hair and thought it sweet. thinking about how to proceed. r is coming on the 4th, i got him set up i think to play at s.s's house. i think i will sleep with him this time if the mood strikes me! saw m at the grocer again yesterday but used a different checkout line. he twisted around to say hello and goodbye. not that i care much anymore, i feel as if ive been obvious enough. another grey day...thinking of running around with s in the evening. finally found my light gels, sturgeon whistle and crow skull so ive got plenty to do. guts feeling fragile from eating too many cherries and kicking up dust yesterday. feeling a little better though, like much of my grief has passed me by! also went for a walk today and found a copy of still life with a woodpecker a free bundle of daylilies and 3 four leaf clovers. luck returning like a flood. also found lots of 4 leaf clovers and some 5 leaf clovers at the garden gate. going to run around with s later, have to eat some salad first. feeling sweeter and sweeter by the minute. p sending me cute pictures from across the world and im laughing at all kinds of things. laughing in the garden, laughing at the jokes people tell me, laughing at things im reading, laughing at myself. better and better off!!!

[fraener]

6/15/25

awake now after a late late night at b.k and s.k's cookout. class yesterday was lovely, lots of far and familiar faces, jokes and explorations. the other class has been making milk hares and fetches. making me want to carry on all the way through to year 3! also its been a full cycle since i last got laid. everyone seems on some budding new romance but me...fallow period i suppose, or maybe im just not interested in what i was before when this last came to pass- at least then i had i.b. scrying yesterday on how to unfuck my luck did show me a snake and a heart so theres something about that in there. im sore from singing and the midsummer fire smoke. had a dream where i suddenly knew exactly how to find 4 leaf clovers. i wish i could be touched by someone i knew and trusted or at least admired for who they were. im tired of objectification. got to get my ducks in a row to bisque everything tomorrow!! s is bringing her cups and things to load in today. ive got to finish it all off and then probably put some things in the oven for a little while, haha. i want more friends, better friends, friends i can work on projects with who are my age. i love my older friends a lot but its harder to build connections with people that are 15+ years older than me outside of the group activities we do together. but i think it can happen with s.k. she was pretty drunk last night and shared just a sentence- "we found this when allen and i were dating...its so weird for us to be talking again and now were doing this movie thing-" i think he was one of her great loves. they both seem to have a lot of affection for one another. its sweet, shes friends with z.b way back from cleveland, r and i are like the new generation of this sort of beautiful tender disparate group of artists making incredible things and having fun together. i love how i can see it all interconnecting, love how we all know one another tangentially, love how bright and small this world is. i hope i can still have it in pland. but im proud of myself for singing karaoke songs and for laughing and talking and befriending. trying to come out of my shell and let myself get sick and be scared and love and be vulnerable in front of other people. i think it might be working. trying to find the little path that the playing cards showed me, trying just to do what feels right. saw m today when buying garlic scapes for my dinner, he apologized again and asked how the movie was, if i really liked garlic scapes, how my day was. cards gave me number 15, 5 of clubs and number 4 when i asked about whether id get him, whether it would be soon, whether it would be good. superficiality and objectification, a full barn/hard work pays off, abundance and joy/fertility. tried the app again and yet again no one on there that i really found at all interesting or attractive (but ofc for c, who REALLY wanted me to know theres absolutely no way they would EVER consider me even HYPOTHETICALLY a person of interest and that the mere implication that they manufactured made them uncomfortable lol). straight up not a single person in oly that i want or who wants me.....feeling incredibly discouraged and low today, too depressed to really do anything at all. the social hangover is strong i guess.

[fraener]

6/13/25

felt a bit more tired again today but stable. r.r, a.p and z came by to say hello. i hadnt seen r.r in so long- hes much more beautiful than i remembered! still so annoying too. i have a lot of fondness for him. his hair is grown out to shoulder length and hes back to wearing the type of clothes he did when i first met him. i feel like im walking backwards! a.p broke up with v at the same time h told me he didnt think we could be together anymore...were always right side by side in all we do no matter how far we are apart lol i love her so much. we laughed and laughed about that and promised to call one another. went to s.k's movie and it was soooooo so so great and funny and scary and beautiful. m stood me up! didnt even text me lol then got defensive about it when i said guess ill see you at the store. but i went with c and their sibling to the voyeur and met some folks again i met a loooonnng time ago at a spoonbender show. couple of cute boys in the mix and s.k+b.k inviting me over tomorrow night for snacks after class. short entry despite it being a long and wonderful day but its cause i didnt have much time to write about it! ill save the details: eating capra goat yogurt with honey and maple syrup and blueberries, telling p about it and sending him more music, forcing myself to throw a little, freaking out about my deadline, seeing a man with the same name as me writhe in the mud, seeing s.k cry over their beloved dead, tall and beautiful dark curly boy named enzo laughing next to me and telling me to play music with him if i come to ny. buying salt and laughing with a beautiful woman about how we cant go back to other salt (where will i get my salt when i move!!). raspberries ripening in the thicket. cold weather, a mild headache, joy and accolades. suddenly seeing just how many people in the world DO love me and are still thinking of me even when im very far away. im really ready to be with friends again...finally after so long!!

[fraener]

6/12/25

i think a long and mostly dreamless sleep. woke feeling much better this morning, fond and warm. taking a minute now to write before i dive into the last leg of making things for that firing. hoping to run the bisque on monday or tuesday...maybe stretch it a little longer. talked a bit more with p last night. something to look forward to, holding him tight again and counting his moles again and his big sweet smile. it turns out we both bought a clarinet when we turned 26- i guess mine was a couple months earlier than his, not on our birthday but in june. he said he wants to be close again, sleep in my arms, misses me. i read back through my journal last night and felt quite sad about everything and quite happy too. im finding the little edge of magic again. something slipping around the corner too fast for me to see. following suit. things with h are hard and i dont know how to proceed but looking back i didnt often write when i was happy with him, only when i was unhappy. thinking of what p said last night, "it's such a tragedy to forget anything so i want to give myself the ability to remember...but its hard to know what details i should write down." so ill say i loved hearing h play guitar in the incredible heat of e's living room while she and n toiled in the kitchen to bring us something sweet to drink. blended watermelon with herbs we collected from the alleys and lanes behind her apartments. and even his sadness, and even his defensiveness. sometimes i feel like were too far in deep to see one another enough to love one another. thinking again about s telling me to give everything more room, giving something more room gives it more room to exist in. a climbing melody inside me. dreaming of playing the clarinet and freedom and pressureless assurance of love, even if far and few between. missed my call with the insurance company, who wanted to sell me a death package. my life isnt set up in such a way where it would make much sense for me to have life insurance. if only thats what it was really for, not sure why they call it that. supposed to go with b tonight, not sure what well get up to yet. not a word or glimpse of m, nagging me at the back of my mind just a little. will he show tomorrow night? maybe not! o is so excited for me to move to pland. i think ive made the right decision about this. i have no reason to stay in oly! like what on earth would i be here for...i guess the woods, i like my housing, i like one of my jobs. but im so crushingly lonely and bored!! itll be hard to be away from p but he doesnt want to stay in oly forever either. and h. i dont know if hell really come with me or not. but i feel like i have some little hope because ill be with o again and we can play and laugh and paint and eat good food together again. and so many others. purple peas are fruiting in the garden, throwing some stemware today, trying to chug along through the work. feeling pretty great today after letting so much grief out yesterday, just like i blew my nose or something!

[fraener]

6/11/25

another terrible whale dream last night under the full moon and my blood. grandparents said they still want me to move out to the mountain, trying to imagine what that would be like for me. i feel as if id have to do it alone, although they said i shouldnt. i dont really have anyone in my life who would do that with me i think! but ill keep considering it. cold grey morning after i saw the sun rising and little wisps of clouds at 4. feeling bloodless. woke in a frenzy and moved my work into the shed and in my stupor mistakenly thought something was wrong with the kiln. prayed about it, made s check it, made a bit of a fool of myself. long shower and strawberries and the last bit of brownie for breakfast. glad to report ive figured out how to eat a pint of strawberries alone. spent the night thinking of what it would be like with p for us to entice and deny one another terribly, he loves to bring it up subtly over the phone, im thinking of what it would be like for him to see me unbuttoning my shirt, come and complete it and walk away. we never had a dance of tension. he talked last night about how he was frustrated with himself for always needing to make a definitive decision about how he feels about things. i think his firm decision made us lose out on a lot of the magic we could have had to begin with, but maybe theres still room now. s.s gave me a suggestion to a place to learn armenian. supposed to go to s.k's show with m on friday, i asked him if he wanted to hang out before or after at all around a week ago after i ran into him and he didnt say a word in response. each time i feel a little more annoyed and disinterested despite the fact that the energy is so different in person. i think id like to harvest rose today. i want to do more shielding and hiding protections on my house too, need to get it all in order. also want to eat red meat.

i got weaker through the day though, spent most of it in bed again. spent a very weak silent car ride with h to run errands which hurt beyond belief. he offered to do them for me but i couldnt convince myself to let him do that then...probably better that i didnt anyways since so much went wrong while we did. again he didnt tell me he loves me when he left. he hugged me for a long time when he was leaving and it brought me to the edge of tears, almost insisted that he wanted to help me but stopped himself before he let the words out when i thanked him for driving me and apologized for it. when i closed the door i collapsed into forceful blinding tears. i wanted to scream. instead i very carefully put the eggs in the fridge, washed my hands and set myself gently down on the bathroom floor. cried like that a long time, then sat there, then got up and cried some more in bed instead. forced myself to eat some salmon, a potato, a good fistfull of arugula. all i want is to be held by h but its h who is hurting my heart. i feel inconsolable and lost. why are we doing this?? i keep turning around and thinking why are we doing this??? this is the stupidest thing in the world. all of the irony in the fact that all hes ever needed to do is make a commitment. to the truth, to trying, to being on my side...foolishly i want to write him a letter. my heart is broken in such a strange way. thinking about the strange and lonely winter ahead. i wonder how quiet my departure will be, i wonder if i will spend another christmas alone...i wonder about this instinct in me to just cut and run. i want to destroy everything here with a fervor. i dont want to see this town or these people ever again. i dont want any shred of this place to stick to me, i want to run and run until no one can find me and i can live a completely different, unidentifiable life. its strange to watch it at a distance, like fire on the hill. thinking back more frequently on the end of me and m all those years ago. how it was survival then, my escape desperate and wrapped neatly in some level of amiability until i finally exploded. i cant hold that type of thing inside of myself anymore, ive lost my patience in that way. why am i forcing myself to do something i dont want to do? i know how ive hurt, but equally i know how ive been loved and have felt overjoyed. i havent ever loved anyone the way ive loved h. and i know from all my other loves, i never will. why is it now in my life that it has become so impossible to let anything go? god am i grieving. in stops and starts, grieving.

[fraener]

6/10/25

a lot of time has passed since my last entry. maybe an aversion to reflection in these past weeks. blood came early this month, today, and im finding that id like to catalogue what it is i feel strongest in that first day because i think it indicates my truest feelings unfiltered. so today i will say that despite all of the hurt h has caused me, and despite our long conversation the other day which was a digesting of our relationship and the fact that i told him i could not see a way to continue a sexual relationship with him at this time, despite what he took responsibility for, despite the fact that he admitted to not being able to love me fully since g all those years ago, despite the fact that he has stopped kissing me goodbye or telling me that he loves me...i dont feel any differently for him than when i first fell in love with him, i still want him so much, i still love him more than anything, and its terrible that i cannot have the person i had at my side before g. i want to find that person again, i wish there was some way for him to be able to love me like that again. ive also decided i really do want to move to pland. ive never let myself do something stupid like that before and i never had my youth to exercise so id like to try it for a couple of years. not sure what comes after but its good to have something to work towards now. i dont have much else to say at the moment. i love h, i want to move to pland, this place does not have much for me as it stands. im feeling the cool edge of solitude coming down to me again, like it did then, the privacy and strange power of celibacy and loneliness, internal retreat...i dont think anything will happen with m- dont even think well be friends at this point. just another r in town. its odd how i keep having these stops and starts like this. like each opportunity somehow proves false, as if i have any other road to follow...well. still no stonefruit of garlic scapes but maybe by this week. everything feels late and strangled. hopefully things pick up, lest my fallow season of departure persists...

grief coming over me in the evening. sudden realization through an exchange with h that he simply doesnt think of me like i do him anymore. he really hasnt since that first year. cried my eyes out on the bathroom floor. i dont know how to let go because ive been fed breadcrumbs for so long there IS an expectation ill get just a little more, it will change, hell do what i want this time, etc. really hard to behave normally with someone when they lied to you for years and held you at arms length for years and forcing a transactional dynamic purposefully all while insisting they love you and want to be with you and would do anything to make that happen and have no problem with you and dont know what youre talking about when you point it out! this is one of the most difficult things ive had to do. its odd its like my relationship with my mother in a lot of ways. it took me so long to stop expecting certain things because it just didnt make sense for someone in that position to not offer them to me. i still havent got clear where h and i are at, i told him we shouldnt call it "dating" anymore because it seemed to put too much pressure on him which he agreed with. adjusting the relationship into nonexistence. i dont know what i want right now but i know its not this. worth it to say though i ended the day well though, laying in the warm grass beneath the huge full moon in the dark below the apple tree on the phone with p talking about the power of celibacy and our respective interests in denial...too far for words is my affections for p. i wish i could take him inside of me like i were a coat or a house or a skin or a womb. my beautiful mirror. thinking of the other sweeter things these days, talking to my grandma on the phone, getting into this big juried show, finding graveyard oak galls, a snake crawling out of the hull of the canoe, the unwavering massiveness of pland, the heat, the scent of slow flowers filling my room at night. my heart is starting to feel like a scab im picking early. love here behind my tired sore eyes and headache and grief. feeling raw and expectant and like everything is moving in slow motion.