fraener

[fraener]

7/9/25

such an early day today which went rough for me. when i arrived to feed the hounds brody had messed the bed and somehow injured himself in the process, so the room was smeared with blood and shit. luckily he was in high enough spirits but it was a terrible hour before breakfast. on my way home my clover urge from last night finally resolved and i found 6 of them in places id looked before. when i came home i fell asleep from 11-12:30, then woke and had lunch, tried not to fall asleep again. made some new charms im excited about and hung rose and rowan and poplar from the ports to keep the house hidden. my fingers ache a little where i was nicked by the rose thorns. particularly happy with a luck charm i made. a good 2 hrs on the phone with darling p last night. we spent some of it on a video call, at which point i told him about me and d. his expression turned dark and he looked away from me then, a bitterness crept into his voice. he said rather ruefully "i dont know what h is talking about, anyone who knows d knows he isnt that special. hes a total dork. a dorky stoner." i couldnt believe he was jealous! it was sort of reassuring, but at the same time i felt a little pang for the fact that were withheld from one another right now. i do love him so dearly, i love his earnest nature and sensitivity. i love his moods and his warm expression and the way his voice gets soft when he feels tenderly. its hard to be away from him like this, still talking and wanting. hes still deep in his self flagellation wrapped in discovery, his monkhood passage. how id like to gather him up, i want to show him i love him in the ways i know how. i want to cook for him and read to him and work the knots out of his hands and shoulders and i want him to insist on doing my dishes and cry on my shoulder and curl up in the crook of my body again. i dont think either of us can really put it back, what we took out. im just around the corner from forming a thought about how i find most comfort in giving others comfort...haha. and theres the matter of d, god my heart feels full. i feel engorged, like ive eaten a most opulent meal, like currants and cream, like crisp fish fat and peaches and custard and dark raspberry wine and bread and butter and hot brie. and t calling to ask me something but not catching my call when i rang back...ill have to find i think the line between balancing my lovely rotating cast of lovers and my desire to dedicate myself to my work. sometimes youve got to take a break from eating, even when youve been starving...ohhh me and my lovely lovely meals. watching dracula also i can see why its both p and d's favorite movie haha. all that good luck coming my way and i dont know what to do with it really, trying to think about what it is id like to direct it towards. i think i ought to start an etsy after all...my first ever gallery opening tomorrow night. waiting with baited breath and a little scared! or not scared, but nervous, feeling underprepared if i get any inquiries. but hopeful, distracted, exhausted, praying for rain before the terribly hot week were creeping towards...

[fraener]

7/8/25

a raucous lay with my beautiful lover for hours this afternoon during which i managed to get completely coated in blood but very little on the sheets which was a big relief. a kind of completeness now that ive imbibed of him properly. have started tentatively playing the cello again, went to the wonky tonk with my saw and chatted happily with a and gave L a four leaf clover. she said she needs to be around witches right now and i could have no idea how perfect it was for me to give her that clover in that moment. a told me he was going to wear a really crazy outfit to get out of jury duty but apparently he wasnt allowed and was excused after all anyways. today after when d and i held each other before saying goodbye he said he wanted me to be with someone else so he could feel like i was choosing him when i wanted him and not just going after him because hes the only option. he also said, "I'm so excited to be a part of your rotating cast of lovers." that moved my heart so much. hell be gone for 2 weeks and very busy until after my birthday once he comes back but i feel a little relieved, likely ill still see him once a week or so. hes so perfect and i feel so incredibly lucky to be loved now, i am sure i am loved, by someone with seemingly the same compass as me. a big container of raspberries im trying to decide what i ought to do with, from the little library where i got the day lilies the day i began finding clovers. i looked for one today for a while this morning, early when i let the dogs out. ive got to go again soon but i might wait until a little later, 7 or 8 or something. feeling wonderful today, happy beyond relief, tired beyond belief

[fraener]

7/6/25

a mixed bag of beautiful days since the third. throat slowly healing, weather warm and quite mild. firstly the circus with t, so beautiful it made me cry. an aerialist that looked like the moon, a person being held in the air and soaring by just their hair, a juggler, a cockroach, a laughing baby thrown high. ran into L and gave her a hug about her brother. saw a twice that day, once when he went to comfort her with d and then again on the other side of the big top. met t's ex who was very beautiful and her funny little roommates. then the next, popped by the coop in the afternoon to get some things for the fiddle fest and ran into m outside, he said he had just woken up and walked over. apparently he lives at mahayana and has for the last 4 years, meaning we would have just missed living across the street from one another. funny how this little town is. got a call from d and found id be camping, he was so shocked when i told him he didnt have to feel responsible for me and if he wanted to stay with his friends as long as i could find another ride back to town there wasn't any reason for us to go together. then an intense phonecall with h where he apologized for the way he treated me and told me i had always treated him well and he had been so awful to me as a means of control because it was true that he just couldnt handle me having multiple lovers. cried my eyes out and felt quite exhausted and really didnt want to set things up for r's show at s.s's house but rallied and did so anyways, i thought it was a fine success though s.s was being a bit obnoxious. just shouting a lot and sort of trying to herd everyone similar to how k.k does. some drunk obnoxious kids showed up and one of them fell over a drum kit. r was a bit shifty with me but j was sweet to me and we chatted away for a long time and i got to meet their friend g. really incredible music from them all, what sweethearts. i skittered away late in the night and the next morning woke late from an incredible dream about mother hulda and a white church on red sand. ofc today i get a long and accusatory email of all things from s.s where she's upset that i played her clavichord that i asked if i could bring out and play to which she did say yes, was mad that i "let" other people touch it, was mad that people left cigarette butts in her driveway although i thought it really would have been smarter to ask that people dont smoke. just blaming me for a lot that didnt really have much to do with me so much as it did that she chose not to assert herself or express how she was feeling in the moment...i want my lamp and extension cords back!!

d came over while i packed and teased me for working slowly through what i had to do, but then fucked the shit out of me so i didnt care so much. we drove out late to p.t for the fiddle fest and stayed up all night, i bounced back and forth between being at d's side and wandering myself. i didnt want to get in the way of him at all so i tried to make myself scarce but accessible. i went and painted on the beach for a while by myself, hung out with a baby that wanted to tell me all about the fiddle, played a huge two man woodsaw. d played honky tonk with k.s and they held one another like star crossed lovers round the shoulders and in each others eyes. it was sweet to see but it did remind me of the fact that im on the outside of d's world and that's likely where ill remain. that, and all the odd looks people gave me, and the pointed questions about what i was doing there, and the times they gave d their condolences about e and then looked right at me when he said he didnt want to talk about it. but it was fun even so, it was something new and novel. the wind was incredible, it was so cold. around 1:30 my period started and we ventured out for a place to sleep outside and settled along the treeline on a small berm under a maple, curled up together in the same sleeping bag. made him gasp, held him as he fell asleep. watched the milky way turn above us and listened to the high wind from which we were sheltered. in the morning i awoke around 4 with the birds, kept opening my eyes to see a curious family of 4 little wrens who all had something to say and were looking over us and discussing us. i dreamt about mountain lions and then woke again at 8. we werent caught, thankfully, and we spent the morning wandering and looking for people but the party was very much over by then and most people had already shuffled home. over the cliff behind the battery i took him in my mouth until the brink and buttoned him up again, just to drive him a little crazy. an irishman with kind eyes played the fiddle with d again this morning after all and i was rejoined by the baby who wanted to tell me more about the fiddle and the flowers he was collecting. the drive home was long and quiet, i slept an hour and woke to find s quiet and d fast asleep. he slept until we got home and all i thought about was how i didnt feel as if i belonged in their little world. wrong bracket, wrong place, wrong time, wrong person. but d thanked me when we were alone, for coming and being ok with being dropped into his world like that. i want him to know that i care, i hope he does too. he even held my hand a little when we werent around anyone else. it reminds me of g a little bit, like another thing i guess i ought to feel ashamed about or maybe angry by that the person im seeing wont hold my hand in front of others, but i have to just let it go like i did then. another watercolor wife, another dirty secret, fetish. but at least im playing the cello and painting again. trials and truths.

[fraener]

7/3/25

feeling a little better in my throat today for some reason. yesterday made the harrowing journey to the walk in clinic to which the doctor after 2 long hours said "we don't know why but youre having a bad case of tonsilitis, i think it will resolve on its own and you shouldnt take antibiotics." pus filled tonsils with no obvious cause since i dont have a fever and i dont feel particularly ill and i dont have any other symptoms. while i waited i sat behind this beautiful pond on the backside of the parking lot facing the preserve. it was fenced off but i could see dragonflies and things zipping around, the red ones and the ones with the black wings with white spots. i feel pressureless and quiet. i want to go and look at some other ponds, i want to read with my feet in the water, i want to eat good food and reset slowly. more dogsitting next week but it made me feel strong even though i was tired. and 200 bucks is good money. spent the evening with d, he made me dinner and i held him while he fell asleep before slipping away. he gave me a little piano lesson and put my snack in the fridge for me when i forgot about it. i ran my fingers through his hair for more than an hour i think, and made him finish, and held him after then too. we asked each other how the other puts on their shoes. he said, "you pay attention to the parts of me that no ones paid attention to before." sometimes when he says things like that i dont know how to verbally receive them- i like it very much, very glad to hear it, it makes me sigh. some part of me wishes deeply that wed fall in love. waiting and crossing my fingers to see if i dont catch his cold sores, weve been having a little bit of potentially dangerous contact here and there. tonight the circus on the water with t, tomorrow r playing at s.s's house. i think i might go and get eggs, maybe make a quiche for me and d to eat on saturday. feeling tired, wanting to rest and avoid people for a little while. as much as i like d i think we might be spending a little too much time together so im looking forward to the week hes gone. i dont really know the exact dates but i imagine hell let me know when hes going, when hes getting back. im not sure why i feel apprehensive to ask. oh well. low grey day, day to do the laundry, day to turn the sheets over and do the dishes, day to nap.

[fraener]

7/1/25

july the first...it feels like summer in earnest now. i think the seasons are shifting backwards a bit, my room is hot and i know it will be just as hot well into october. the witchs sand tray in class this week, and c.b put a variety of hats on everyone and showed us the lingerie of the dead actress she was briefly possessed by and i played her pump organ which it turns out you can just find around for free! theyre all beautiful and i want one desperately but practically im not sure i could justify it, especially since ive got one that folds up already and not a single bit of space anywhere for something like that. theres a bit of fresher air trickling in through the open window now, sweet summer morning. im nearly through all my dishes, not even a full rack left. i rewatched harold and maude and it gave me a bit of confidence, like i can allow myself to be changed by this new set of circumstances. house is slowly shaping up and this week i get to see many who are dear to me, especially exciting for r to be here on friday. i'm having some kind of issue in my throat, lots of white crud stuck in my tonsils and a sore throat and swollen glands but ive been gargling salt and oregano spirits and massaging my neck and it feels as if its helping and the white crud is lessening.

this sunday was a good sunday. normally i dont like them but d and i went to the secret beach and talked about theater and ate fruit and fucked again, animalistic and hungry as we are, under the trees in the shade on the shore. his face is so different when its tender and genuine, im becoming rather fond of watching his expression change to a smile, head tilted back in ecstasy, eyes closed. or the genuine sweetness on him when i pulled a chair near him behind the horn section yesterday, smiling bashfully behind the trombone mouthpiece in his little cap and white shirt. beautiful evenings filled with smoke and candles and incredible heat and the smell of his sweat. i threw a butter crock yesterday and am trying to make it work, did it all by eyeballing so the fit is very tight. signed it with "to d with pleasure..." my thighs right up were covered in deep red clay because i didnt wear an apron and as i washed it slowly from my skin in the shower and applied olive oil after i thought of him, thought of the simplicity of what is right before me that can be done in pleasure, thought about how even just washing clay from my thighs can turn me on. hoping the crock doesnt fuse or some other terrible fate befalls it because he said quietly, incredulously in the dark on the drive home from the black and brass and chestnut of the evening we had in music "...you made a butter bell??" im beginning to think he felt ignored for a long time, everything that feels like an opportunity for me to kindly and justly share what i have to spare is a big shock to him, he always says "youre so nice to me!" i think were getting different things out of it and i can feel an odd bitterness in me, a desire to not let this stand so tall in my life, and it isnt- but watching him be changed is moving something down below me. an almost envy at his ability to allow this to be significant. he says he wants just the summer together and then we ought to break each others hearts in agreement. "we both turned the keys to open it, i think we should turn the keys together to close it." and he said just because it comes to a close doesnt mean it cant be reopened. although, i can tell, both that we wont likely have another chance, and had it been under other circumstances, i think we could have fallen very much in love. going to the fiddle festival at the eastern tip of the sound this week. i think its clear hes going to leave me in the dust there but im hoping i can find ways to entertain myself. i was a little disappointed because i thought he wanted to take me to show me around but he keeps saying well "split ways but will find each other" and what hes really excited about is the dance in the evening. i think i ought to look good and i think i ought to go and chat up other fiddlers for the day, maybe bring my paints, maybe the saw. its right on the sea so ill have a good time no matter if im alone or in good company. every day feels spacious since i stopped talking to h, every day a little kinder and a little wider. d said sunday on our way home "i feel like im on vacation" something we can really agree on!

[fraener]

6/27/25

late in the evening now, quiet. ive got the light low and i had curry for dinner, the usual i make at home. im a little hungry again after all. watched harold and maude again after many years. felt appropriate to navigate with through this next chapter of my life. saw d this morning briefly to retrieve my scrying kerchief, he has a cold sore so i kissed just the corner of his mouth. he said because hed already said wed see one another on sunday i wasnt allowed to go down on him and that it would be emotionally inappropriate to let lust drive the bus. he mimed being in control and then letting lust drive the bus as the bus spinning out and crashing. then he lifted me in the air, carried me to the piano, and slammed me down on the keys, then ran my ass across the keyboard to play an upward glis. he told me if i didnt feel the same fulfillment from our midsummer days it was alright, but with reproach sneaking around somewhere behind his voice. we began to make plans to go to a cathedral service together. im trying still to put my finger on what it is about him, maybe just that hes so similar to lovers ive had before, maybe because he fits into the pattern so perfectly, maybe because he and i are so similar in many ways- and yet his hands, his perfectly crooked teeth, his dark grey eyes with the little gold ring around the center. the freckle on his upper lip, the small scar on his chin, the way his silver hair turns coppery in the sunlight. i think i can admit now late at night i do want to let myself fall for him, let him move my heart, let me be changed by him. yesterday i told h i didnt want to talk to him for a week or two. the cards say it was the right thing to do, retreat inwards to heal my torment. trance revealed the type of binding i ought to do on him using queen anne. i dont want to do the cold stones, but i am considering it. skirted wool with bg yesterday, spoke to e on the phone, spoke to f on the phone. all of them said i ought to just get away from him. bg shared some very vulnerable things about herself with me about her episodes, i feel very special to know. shes a very good friend to me. she brought me two small roses and told me she loves me. still going to need a little searching i think inside for the ability to fall, and not see d more than once a week at most, not be given obvious or particularly regular access...letting us feel it out as it goes. i know neither of us wants the other to become furniture, though we might have different ways of approaching that goal.

[fraener]

6/25/25

having a hard time with this one. didnt go get my stuff from portland today. celebrations and grievances all at once. saw an under the bridge show with s, gained the ability to find four leaf clovers, cant stop finding them. started reading a tom robbins novel. harvested some things on midsummer eve, went to the wonky tonk, taught a drunk man to play the saw, ended the night fucking d on his lawn under the shooting stars in a heap of blankets and pillows and apple tree refuse. midsummer day spent in a sleepless fugue, the evening running my fingers through d's hair and cooking him pasta and rubbing his work sore back and fucking some more. i cant call it anything else really, its fucking. its violent and depraved and desperate and pure like a hot coal. needs must when the devil drives. he slept the night in my bed, doesnt take up much room but wants to hold onto me while he sleeps. fucking again in the morning. he smells like peaches and frankincense and brown sugar and camphor and linden. he smells familiar and sweet and sharp and tastes delicious at every interval. he continuously chainsmokes spliffs he rolls from a very worn taped up bag of tobacco. he wants to cook for me and he has an old fashioned appendix scar on his belly and growls and bites and hes huge. hes so similar to o and i.b that its tripping me up a little, i feel like i already know him and i keep forgetting his name when were in the throws of one another and sleep. easy to be around him, i feel unashamed and unpressured and unfettered with him. he wants to take me to the northernmost town on the peninsula to a fiddle festival and to teach me the piano. yet. still my heart feels raw, i am still in my desperation for solitude. saw h today and we had another terrible fight, par for the course. i couldnt believe him when he said he wanted to stay close and still show up for me if i was sleeping with someone else and not him, and i was right to do. i dont even really want to record it. i might try talking to him again in a few days but i asked to go home after the final thing he said- "this is really really hard for me and youre just fine. you get to just be fine and get to fuck someone and i dont." i told him i didnt want to talk about it anymore and didnt say a word in the car. i was so excited to see him and so happy to be around him and it was just another afternoon of hearing tell me how upset with and envious he was of me. i just feel broken completely. i can see d sent me something sweet about feeling furthered and encouraged by my attention, i wish i could say the same. i wish i could collapse into that with him. maybe i can after i get a good night of sleep. i feel like i need to retread totally and hide and lick my wounds still. heard back from the coop, they want to interview me but dont have any slots open on the schedule at the moment and arent hiring anymore. going to go for a walk i think and maybe do some bindings and collect some poplar and rose to hang in the windows. or ill just go to bed, not sure. not feeling sure of much at the moment but clovers, the deep love of friends, the assurance that the sun will in fact rise tomorrow, owls, and the fact that my kiln works after all.

[fraener]

6/22/25

the most beautiful rainy day yesterday to quell all the terrors of the week. left the window open all day and in silence washed my sheets tidied my room and the livingroom vacuumed the rugs and the couch swept did some dishes took a bath and made salmon and a beautiful blueberry cherry crisp with basil and thyme and sage. my mind was totally blank the whole time and i didnt listen to any music, talk on the phone, watch tv. a little tv at the end while i was cooking just to keep me company. went to the coop twice trying to get yogurt to no avail...also still havent heard back from them for an interview lol. ive mostly forgotten about it at this point, planning for a year back at the spice shop and teaching again. k.g brought me two boxes each of black and gold clay! took my items down to pland, successful first bisque came out beautifully save for the explosion that occurred with my big pitcher...though i think i like it better now than i did! i do wish i could be as free feeling as i did yesterday, every day. went to the grotto with h after he was throwing a bit of a fit all day cause he had us drive n down and back up again and i was annoyed with it. i was planning on staying, had packed a bag but decided not to at the last minute because i hadnt been prepared for the rains. im a bit glad i came home cause i got so much done behind my back, i felt like i had finally completed so much there was an openness in my time. thank you to the parts of me that took a step back yesterday and let me run free...i want to get back into reading. picked the dispossessed up again and was reading a bit last night, feels good and i forget. feels better than watching tv etc. strange dreams upon me again, heard a nighthawk last night, having a thing with owls including my beast paw dream and finding an owl claw on ebay listed as a "coyote paw" and running into the owl in the ravine a few times. the stream was running again yesterday for the first time in a couple of months, some relief there. a lot of days with e this week which was nice. up to staircase where she and n were camping, watched h swim even though it was freezing and windy outside. the river was the most incredible blue, we ate huckleberries and salmonberries on the trailside up the mountain. h and i almost had sex but it was pretty unpleasant out, really windy and dusty where we were. he was upset about it later, that it didnt happen. i think he felt led on because i had felt him up in the car before. walking around with t, i can tell theyve got some kind of thing for me. when they came into the house they tackled me down onto the bed and their weight was a comfort on top of me. theyre a little too curious about my sex life to be uninterested. i caught a glimpse of their belly hair and thought it sweet. thinking about how to proceed. r is coming on the 4th, i got him set up i think to play at s.s's house. i think i will sleep with him this time if the mood strikes me! saw m at the grocer again yesterday but used a different checkout line. he twisted around to say hello and goodbye. not that i care much anymore, i feel as if ive been obvious enough. another grey day...thinking of running around with s in the evening. finally found my light gels, sturgeon whistle and crow skull so ive got plenty to do. guts feeling fragile from eating too many cherries and kicking up dust yesterday. feeling a little better though, like much of my grief has passed me by! also went for a walk today and found a copy of still life with a woodpecker a free bundle of daylilies and 3 four leaf clovers. luck returning like a flood. also found lots of 4 leaf clovers and some 5 leaf clovers at the garden gate. going to run around with s later, have to eat some salad first. feeling sweeter and sweeter by the minute. p sending me cute pictures from across the world and im laughing at all kinds of things. laughing in the garden, laughing at the jokes people tell me, laughing at things im reading, laughing at myself. better and better off!!!

[fraener]

6/15/25

awake now after a late late night at b.k and s.k's cookout. class yesterday was lovely, lots of far and familiar faces, jokes and explorations. the other class has been making milk hares and fetches. making me want to carry on all the way through to year 3! also its been a full cycle since i last got laid. everyone seems on some budding new romance but me...fallow period i suppose, or maybe im just not interested in what i was before when this last came to pass- at least then i had i.b. scrying yesterday on how to unfuck my luck did show me a snake and a heart so theres something about that in there. im sore from singing and the midsummer fire smoke. had a dream where i suddenly knew exactly how to find 4 leaf clovers. i wish i could be touched by someone i knew and trusted or at least admired for who they were. im tired of objectification. got to get my ducks in a row to bisque everything tomorrow!! s is bringing her cups and things to load in today. ive got to finish it all off and then probably put some things in the oven for a little while, haha. i want more friends, better friends, friends i can work on projects with who are my age. i love my older friends a lot but its harder to build connections with people that are 15+ years older than me outside of the group activities we do together. but i think it can happen with s.k. she was pretty drunk last night and shared just a sentence- "we found this when allen and i were dating...its so weird for us to be talking again and now were doing this movie thing-" i think he was one of her great loves. they both seem to have a lot of affection for one another. its sweet, shes friends with z.b way back from cleveland, r and i are like the new generation of this sort of beautiful tender disparate group of artists making incredible things and having fun together. i love how i can see it all interconnecting, love how we all know one another tangentially, love how bright and small this world is. i hope i can still have it in pland. but im proud of myself for singing karaoke songs and for laughing and talking and befriending. trying to come out of my shell and let myself get sick and be scared and love and be vulnerable in front of other people. i think it might be working. trying to find the little path that the playing cards showed me, trying just to do what feels right. saw m today when buying garlic scapes for my dinner, he apologized again and asked how the movie was, if i really liked garlic scapes, how my day was. cards gave me number 15, 5 of clubs and number 4 when i asked about whether id get him, whether it would be soon, whether it would be good. superficiality and objectification, a full barn/hard work pays off, abundance and joy/fertility. tried the app again and yet again no one on there that i really found at all interesting or attractive (but ofc for c, who REALLY wanted me to know theres absolutely no way they would EVER consider me even HYPOTHETICALLY a person of interest and that the mere implication that they manufactured made them uncomfortable lol). straight up not a single person in oly that i want or who wants me.....feeling incredibly discouraged and low today, too depressed to really do anything at all. the social hangover is strong i guess.

[fraener]

6/13/25

felt a bit more tired again today but stable. r.r, a.p and z came by to say hello. i hadnt seen r.r in so long- hes much more beautiful than i remembered! still so annoying too. i have a lot of fondness for him. his hair is grown out to shoulder length and hes back to wearing the type of clothes he did when i first met him. i feel like im walking backwards! a.p broke up with v at the same time h told me he didnt think we could be together anymore...were always right side by side in all we do no matter how far we are apart lol i love her so much. we laughed and laughed about that and promised to call one another. went to s.k's movie and it was soooooo so so great and funny and scary and beautiful. m stood me up! didnt even text me lol then got defensive about it when i said guess ill see you at the store. but i went with c and their sibling to the voyeur and met some folks again i met a loooonnng time ago at a spoonbender show. couple of cute boys in the mix and s.k+b.k inviting me over tomorrow night for snacks after class. short entry despite it being a long and wonderful day but its cause i didnt have much time to write about it! ill save the details: eating capra goat yogurt with honey and maple syrup and blueberries, telling p about it and sending him more music, forcing myself to throw a little, freaking out about my deadline, seeing a man with the same name as me writhe in the mud, seeing s.k cry over their beloved dead, tall and beautiful dark curly boy named enzo laughing next to me and telling me to play music with him if i come to ny. buying salt and laughing with a beautiful woman about how we cant go back to other salt (where will i get my salt when i move!!). raspberries ripening in the thicket. cold weather, a mild headache, joy and accolades. suddenly seeing just how many people in the world DO love me and are still thinking of me even when im very far away. im really ready to be with friends again...finally after so long!!

[fraener]

6/12/25

i think a long and mostly dreamless sleep. woke feeling much better this morning, fond and warm. taking a minute now to write before i dive into the last leg of making things for that firing. hoping to run the bisque on monday or tuesday...maybe stretch it a little longer. talked a bit more with p last night. something to look forward to, holding him tight again and counting his moles again and his big sweet smile. it turns out we both bought a clarinet when we turned 26- i guess mine was a couple months earlier than his, not on our birthday but in june. he said he wants to be close again, sleep in my arms, misses me. i read back through my journal last night and felt quite sad about everything and quite happy too. im finding the little edge of magic again. something slipping around the corner too fast for me to see. following suit. things with h are hard and i dont know how to proceed but looking back i didnt often write when i was happy with him, only when i was unhappy. thinking of what p said last night, "it's such a tragedy to forget anything so i want to give myself the ability to remember...but its hard to know what details i should write down." so ill say i loved hearing h play guitar in the incredible heat of e's living room while she and n toiled in the kitchen to bring us something sweet to drink. blended watermelon with herbs we collected from the alleys and lanes behind her apartments. and even his sadness, and even his defensiveness. sometimes i feel like were too far in deep to see one another enough to love one another. thinking again about s telling me to give everything more room, giving something more room gives it more room to exist in. a climbing melody inside me. dreaming of playing the clarinet and freedom and pressureless assurance of love, even if far and few between. missed my call with the insurance company, who wanted to sell me a death package. my life isnt set up in such a way where it would make much sense for me to have life insurance. if only thats what it was really for, not sure why they call it that. supposed to go with b tonight, not sure what well get up to yet. not a word or glimpse of m, nagging me at the back of my mind just a little. will he show tomorrow night? maybe not! o is so excited for me to move to pland. i think ive made the right decision about this. i have no reason to stay in oly! like what on earth would i be here for...i guess the woods, i like my housing, i like one of my jobs. but im so crushingly lonely and bored!! itll be hard to be away from p but he doesnt want to stay in oly forever either. and h. i dont know if hell really come with me or not. but i feel like i have some little hope because ill be with o again and we can play and laugh and paint and eat good food together again. and so many others. purple peas are fruiting in the garden, throwing some stemware today, trying to chug along through the work. feeling pretty great today after letting so much grief out yesterday, just like i blew my nose or something!

[fraener]

6/11/25

another terrible whale dream last night under the full moon and my blood. grandparents said they still want me to move out to the mountain, trying to imagine what that would be like for me. i feel as if id have to do it alone, although they said i shouldnt. i dont really have anyone in my life who would do that with me i think! but ill keep considering it. cold grey morning after i saw the sun rising and little wisps of clouds at 4. feeling bloodless. woke in a frenzy and moved my work into the shed and in my stupor mistakenly thought something was wrong with the kiln. prayed about it, made s check it, made a bit of a fool of myself. long shower and strawberries and the last bit of brownie for breakfast. glad to report ive figured out how to eat a pint of strawberries alone. spent the night thinking of what it would be like with p for us to entice and deny one another terribly, he loves to bring it up subtly over the phone, im thinking of what it would be like for him to see me unbuttoning my shirt, come and complete it and walk away. we never had a dance of tension. he talked last night about how he was frustrated with himself for always needing to make a definitive decision about how he feels about things. i think his firm decision made us lose out on a lot of the magic we could have had to begin with, but maybe theres still room now. s.s gave me a suggestion to a place to learn armenian. supposed to go to s.k's show with m on friday, i asked him if he wanted to hang out before or after at all around a week ago after i ran into him and he didnt say a word in response. each time i feel a little more annoyed and disinterested despite the fact that the energy is so different in person. i think id like to harvest rose today. i want to do more shielding and hiding protections on my house too, need to get it all in order. also want to eat red meat.

i got weaker through the day though, spent most of it in bed again. spent a very weak silent car ride with h to run errands which hurt beyond belief. he offered to do them for me but i couldnt convince myself to let him do that then...probably better that i didnt anyways since so much went wrong while we did. again he didnt tell me he loves me when he left. he hugged me for a long time when he was leaving and it brought me to the edge of tears, almost insisted that he wanted to help me but stopped himself before he let the words out when i thanked him for driving me and apologized for it. when i closed the door i collapsed into forceful blinding tears. i wanted to scream. instead i very carefully put the eggs in the fridge, washed my hands and set myself gently down on the bathroom floor. cried like that a long time, then sat there, then got up and cried some more in bed instead. forced myself to eat some salmon, a potato, a good fistfull of arugula. all i want is to be held by h but its h who is hurting my heart. i feel inconsolable and lost. why are we doing this?? i keep turning around and thinking why are we doing this??? this is the stupidest thing in the world. all of the irony in the fact that all hes ever needed to do is make a commitment. to the truth, to trying, to being on my side...foolishly i want to write him a letter. my heart is broken in such a strange way. thinking about the strange and lonely winter ahead. i wonder how quiet my departure will be, i wonder if i will spend another christmas alone...i wonder about this instinct in me to just cut and run. i want to destroy everything here with a fervor. i dont want to see this town or these people ever again. i dont want any shred of this place to stick to me, i want to run and run until no one can find me and i can live a completely different, unidentifiable life. its strange to watch it at a distance, like fire on the hill. thinking back more frequently on the end of me and m all those years ago. how it was survival then, my escape desperate and wrapped neatly in some level of amiability until i finally exploded. i cant hold that type of thing inside of myself anymore, ive lost my patience in that way. why am i forcing myself to do something i dont want to do? i know how ive hurt, but equally i know how ive been loved and have felt overjoyed. i havent ever loved anyone the way ive loved h. and i know from all my other loves, i never will. why is it now in my life that it has become so impossible to let anything go? god am i grieving. in stops and starts, grieving.

[fraener]

6/10/25

a lot of time has passed since my last entry. maybe an aversion to reflection in these past weeks. blood came early this month, today, and im finding that id like to catalogue what it is i feel strongest in that first day because i think it indicates my truest feelings unfiltered. so today i will say that despite all of the hurt h has caused me, and despite our long conversation the other day which was a digesting of our relationship and the fact that i told him i could not see a way to continue a sexual relationship with him at this time, despite what he took responsibility for, despite the fact that he admitted to not being able to love me fully since g all those years ago, despite the fact that he has stopped kissing me goodbye or telling me that he loves me...i dont feel any differently for him than when i first fell in love with him, i still want him so much, i still love him more than anything, and its terrible that i cannot have the person i had at my side before g. i want to find that person again, i wish there was some way for him to be able to love me like that again. ive also decided i really do want to move to pland. ive never let myself do something stupid like that before and i never had my youth to exercise so id like to try it for a couple of years. not sure what comes after but its good to have something to work towards now. i dont have much else to say at the moment. i love h, i want to move to pland, this place does not have much for me as it stands. im feeling the cool edge of solitude coming down to me again, like it did then, the privacy and strange power of celibacy and loneliness, internal retreat...i dont think anything will happen with m- dont even think well be friends at this point. just another r in town. its odd how i keep having these stops and starts like this. like each opportunity somehow proves false, as if i have any other road to follow...well. still no stonefruit of garlic scapes but maybe by this week. everything feels late and strangled. hopefully things pick up, lest my fallow season of departure persists...

grief coming over me in the evening. sudden realization through an exchange with h that he simply doesnt think of me like i do him anymore. he really hasnt since that first year. cried my eyes out on the bathroom floor. i dont know how to let go because ive been fed breadcrumbs for so long there IS an expectation ill get just a little more, it will change, hell do what i want this time, etc. really hard to behave normally with someone when they lied to you for years and held you at arms length for years and forcing a transactional dynamic purposefully all while insisting they love you and want to be with you and would do anything to make that happen and have no problem with you and dont know what youre talking about when you point it out! this is one of the most difficult things ive had to do. its odd its like my relationship with my mother in a lot of ways. it took me so long to stop expecting certain things because it just didnt make sense for someone in that position to not offer them to me. i still havent got clear where h and i are at, i told him we shouldnt call it "dating" anymore because it seemed to put too much pressure on him which he agreed with. adjusting the relationship into nonexistence. i dont know what i want right now but i know its not this. worth it to say though i ended the day well though, laying in the warm grass beneath the huge full moon in the dark below the apple tree on the phone with p talking about the power of celibacy and our respective interests in denial...too far for words is my affections for p. i wish i could take him inside of me like i were a coat or a house or a skin or a womb. my beautiful mirror. thinking of the other sweeter things these days, talking to my grandma on the phone, getting into this big juried show, finding graveyard oak galls, a snake crawling out of the hull of the canoe, the unwavering massiveness of pland, the heat, the scent of slow flowers filling my room at night. my heart is starting to feel like a scab im picking early. love here behind my tired sore eyes and headache and grief. feeling raw and expectant and like everything is moving in slow motion.

[fraener]

6/1/25

first day of june...productive one. finished my application and resume for the coop and sent it in this morning, went to the market with h to check for stone fruits and got some nettle kraut and salad greens, then came home and spent the afternoon rewiring the shed and setting up to test the kiln. its running empty right now, no furniture or anything, just seeing that the plug doesnt get too hot. running it on 4 power seems to be fine at least for a bisque, a slow come up is better in most cases anyways. only after an hour and a half it had already hit 840! mess of arugula and a potato and kraut and sausages for dinner and im dreaming of the 4 dollar peach i bought a bit earlier...still cheaper than a premade smoothie would have been but ohhh. final rehearsal for eeme tonight, concert tomorrow. i went to the devil museum yesterday with c and r and procured some funny postcards. finished my sgraffito projects yesterday, working on that big jug with the hands now. i got a little sad here and there, friday night i spent some time with t in b's house. i dont know that i want to be the type of person hes attracted to...seems like its really mostly butch lesbians and trans guys. also worried that j might be seeing my old and terrible boss and i dont want to be anywhere near her pussy at any point by any proximity. im definitely just gay, man attracted to men. occasionally ill have a crush on a woman or something along those lines but its very rare. i felt sad about h again this morning, very sad. and last night too. looking back on old pictures of him hurt my heart a little until i scrolled through the whole 3 years and felt a little more like the person i loved had phased out and someone new had phased in, someone that couldnt get along with me as well as that first h did. turned r down and didn meet him, felt tired by his advances. havent made any attempt to contact m and he hasnt contacted me, think i ought to give that up too. fallow in the fruitful time of year...although, the fruit is behind, too. all delayed. i can manage being unreasonably horny for a few days out of the month and not really thinking about it the rest of the time. though, id really prefer to get laid. no poem this week yet, talked for a long time the other night on the phone with p about his adventures and our parallels. s keeps sending me beautiful audio clips of different places in vienna. today it was a grocery store in lisbon. i cant believe hes moving away, im going to have the loneliest birthday ever. got into the leo gallery show too!! my big figure pot. i'll be able to do more big pots with my new kiln, im so excited to get back into doing those...such a wonderful feeling that is. maybe i can sell them to the gallery downtown. learning to eat a pint of strawberries alone. thinking about the apps....dont want to but am quickly hitting what feels like dire straits. just one date in the real world!! please!! just one good date!!

[fraener]

5/28/25

finally over the hill with the anxious days. im not sure how to tend myself through that period of my cycle, but this morning i woke up happy with a song stuck in my head from a dream of sitting at a dining table with my beloved dead from my moms side of the family for a wedding. m was sitting next to me and i was laughing with a full heart. now a period of waiting, trying to live well in each day...another part of life i cant fast forward through, ive got to work hard in the soil of this here to learn how to fulfill myself without letting the weather of my relationships or potential connections have such an effect over me. i heard from p but i cant seem to get the app he uses to work on my phone, i might try it on the computer instead. scrubbed the bathroom today to almost my most ideal level of cleanliness, still have to mop and scrape wax and find a way to really get the tub cleaned of the hard water buildup. going to the shore with bg and maybe to the hardware store later with h... feeling sweetly energetic and well rested today, somehow. put the comforter away since its nearly june, this house is a lot colder than my last place so it took me a while longer this time. restored. a sweet afternoon with poor bg where she opened up to me a little in the dappled light running back and forth across the sand. i fed her chocolates and rose lemonade and listened intently while we sorted rocks. then the first tiger swallowtail of the season, the wind and sun, the itch to make something, the itch for more hours in the day again. funny how suddenly that mood can appear! and tomorrow back in the studio with the kids, a day to watch beauty at work. a simplicity in knowing that im making good impact, drawing attention gently down to the right things, i loved their silence. in all honesty i dont really have time to go to the hardware store tonight and im not sure i want to, but i suppose i will...got to get the kiln up and running asap. the firing is just three short weeks away now and i've not made nearly enough things!! and then also, the peculiarity of r posting a video of herself on the kick wheel days after i posted mine...as if i wouldnt notice...thinking back on when argenon told me not to take that binding spell for granted and im finally starting to see why. made out hard with h in the front seat of his car after getting a little frisky in the hardware store, then threw the tallest largest cylinder ive ever thrown in the deep dusk by lamplight. now at 11 its finally all the way dark, the last streaks of indigo having passed and still no presence of the moon. the opossum made his way through the yard right past me when i was getting started. arms are sore because i was standing to throw at many points, the low light gave me so much freedom to simply move...trimmed my little drinking glasses which have such a lovely classical shape to them. the little pitcher and the glasses are wrapped up on the bathroom counter right now cause i couldnt justify doing sprigging and sgraffito tonight after all...beautiful 10 inch jar still on the wheel waiting to be shaped tomorrow afternoon. going to sprig a pair of hands onto it. running out of time...got to get the kiln running verrrrry soon so i can glaze and be ready for solstice. want to focus most of my time now on just getting some work done for that firing, properly this time. that and cleaning up the house. and maybe a little bit of finding someone to fuck. a truly lovely day all in all!

[fraener]

5/27/25

woke up deep in my moods after seeing the replies from r. the desire to matter beyond what someone sees in my body. no word from m, maybe i ought to start believing he doesnt have any interest at all and is just being polite. i dont want him to feel trapped or forced to know me. i think ill give it up, even forget the 13th(to which im already beginning to invite other people i know so we can be sure it isn't a date). i sent him a message saying it didnt seem like he was interested since he couldnt seem to say it himself. people are terrified of this thing i cant stop trying to walk towards. what does it mean to build a relationship! what are the components, where is it intimate and where is it distant, why are you doing it??? and yet the ace of hearts, and yet discouragement. trying to get t to go with me on wednesday, a walk with r to clear things up thursday, maybe a fire at b's friday, then the devil museum on saturday. i discovered a path that was closed for the last few years has reopened recently. everything happening in strange cycles of reverse. god im having a hard time taking care of myself lately. i suppose im deep in grief over a great many things. it shouldnt be so hard to go outside in may and june. lacking joy amongst other things. whats the point of picking up- anything? went down through through the sun and pollen to hang flyers around town, saw an owl and a crow fighting in the ravine and a massive snake on the train bridge. took the bus home and slept deeply for an hour or so. first waking thought was god, i really have to do the rest of this day? im lonely again. feeling fallow. the iching says its just going to take an incredible amount of effort and patience with m if i want anything. i think its fair, he seems like someone who maybe got hurt pretty badly some time. i dont want to see him cry or get angry with me. for some reason thats easier to picture than picturing him laughing. yet its always that difficult road i want more than anything else, theres so much to learn in something dodgy. i dont want r because i want to be allowed to be significant. i cant describe how many times ive already just been someones masturbatory fantasy, watercolor wife, devils plaything, what have you. im tired of the only commerce of self that i seem to be rich in is being an object for people to get off with. fetishization is NOT doing it for me anymore. i already know im hot, now am i likeable??? am i relevant???? trying to decide if im really going to bus out to the college tonight to see the sea or not. im a little scared to go alone. maybe ill end up staying in and cleaning instead, i dont know.

ok i think its worth noting he replied, gave me his number, told me he was headed for pland for a few days and all that self doubt dissolved. did a full rack of dishes before opening the message because i was so scared. got to get it in my head IM the one getting in my own way. assigning WAY too much significance to this i gotta chill the fuck out lmaooooo. for now from my distance at the very least i want to have him like im pulling the pit out of a half apricot with my tongue...my own little fox... well still a sorta lonely night tonight alone with my ovulation mood swings and anxieties and all but tidying slowly and distractedly and thinking of the futureee

[fraener]

5/26/25

another long day lulling in bed. therapy this morning, looking at whatever came up. examining the act of being in body and how dangerous that feels. m left me on read regarding my invitation to the beach so im feeling discouraged despite the ace of hearts, eight of diamonds and seven of clubs i pulled when i asked about it. the iching said id be unsuccessful and im approaching things the wrong way. i dont get the impression that he dislikes me but maybe that hes more interested in observing me at a distance than getting to know me personally. i feel guilty about going to the grocery store more than once a week now, like im worried ill run into him. i dont want it to mean anything, its truly coincidental. i dont know why i dont feel as if i should just give up- im not usually wrong about these things but its been hard for me to trust my instincts lately. s says he doesnt seem good, she got a bad impression. shes got better trust in her instincts than i do and is right more often than even i am, so maybe i should follow her advice. weve determined we both need to be free and experiment this summer. we went to a puppet and animation showcase together this evening and then walked for a couple of hours, the neighborhood zipping past us, path impossible to recall but measured in the thrum of use in my legs. saw the names of people i know of in the credits of the animations and it was great to once again feel that the world is in fact accessible, small, interconnected. ran into w and they pulled me in by my tie which made me feel a little crazy. i want to see some new pleasures this year, follow my wants. had h put my food away for me which i feel bad about. i dont think i should do something like that again, even if it means letting the food go bad. supposed to run flyers tomorrow, at the very least it will give me something to do. im meant to pick my work up from tcm0fa too. sitting in want! and looking over my interactions with r whos offered to give it up...its not necessarily that i want him to stop so much as im just curious. i feel like im observing a bug in a jar. his wit isnt as quick as mine most of the time but sometimes he really hits the ball out of the park. thinking about my little swan reoccurrences in the last week. transformation, true love, supernatural spirits. i dont know. i feel tired and hurt and starved all at once, reaching and recoiling simultaneously. have faith, walk away. feels like change is happening in slow motion this time around, like every day is a week and i still dont get any farther than i did the day prior. i keep thinking i could fast forward through this part. ive been sleeping a lot but i can feel that its stopped being good for me. ill have to find another way to pass the time...i dont know what i want other than simple pleasures. i want to touch someone who ive never touched, i want to eat fruit, i want to let my hair lighten in the sun, i want to see something ive never seen before each week at the very least, every day if i can manage it. i want to be lost in creation again. i do want to disappear, against h's best wishes. when r comes through town i think id like to try again with him, even if its just a tumble in the afternoon before the show. hes not a good kisser but maybe i could get around it. that is, if hes allowed to love freely...ive got my freedom again but i feel apprehensive to exercise it. or, like i dont have anywhere to use it. strange stalemate. i dont think i want to be loved right now but i want passion. scaring all my prospects off!