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[fragmentedartist]

My (Our) Life

I’ve wanted to share our story for so long. So so so long. Or have I? One of me does. Another me is still scared. Many of me are still scared, actually. But we will persevere like we always have.

But that isn’t even the main issue. The first issue that comes to mind is that we don’t even have a solid, linear timeline of life. Nearly all of our memories are broken up into tiny snippets with no timestamp, called memory fragments (that’s what the psychologists tell us). Like a shattered mirror made up of thousands of tiny shards of glass. It’s hard to know where each one goes. Slowly over the past 2 years we have been piecing these shards back together.

Ever since I was young, I have been making timelines of my life. I’m able to put together big events like the year I was born, the years my siblings were born, the year I got my dogs, the year I started middle and high school. Even unpleasant memories like the year my parents divorced or the year a pet died. However, other than those key memories, every single timeline seems to tell a different story, now that I look back. Almost like I was living a different life in each one. I used to wonder, “Which ones are more accurate, then? I don’t remember this event, did it really happen?” Looking back now I realize, each timeline is true. But not every timeline is MY WHOLE truth. So how do I know my truth?

My therapist has assigned us a project to work on. One that may take a very long time. I am to create a timeline of OUR life as a whole. “How would I even do that?”, I wondered. I later realized, it would involve each and every fragment of my identity to write their own timeline. “What a daunting task”, I thought to myself. For months I put it off. However, over the past few weeks, me and one of the others in my head decided we would work on it together to start off. So far, the 2 of us have created our timeline of important events. Over time, another insider also agreed to write one, though she has not come around to do it. Yet.

This is our current journey. There’s a long, arduous road ahead of us. But, like always, we march on.

[fragmentedartist]

I’m Learning to Let Go

When I say “let go” I don’t mean forgetting. I’ve already done that my whole life. When I say “let go” I don’t mean forgiving those that have hurt me. When I say “let go” I don’t mean leaving everything behind again. When I say “let go” I mean I am allowing myself to tell my story for the first time. I mean allowing myself to stop pretending. I mean REALLY letting go of my need to hide, my fear of being rejected for my past, my fear of people not believing me, my fear of people thinking I’m insane. I’m letting go of that person everyone wants and expects me to be. I’m letting go of what’s expected and grasping onto what is true. When I say “let go” I mean TRULY let go. Fear cannot and will not hold me back forever.